How to teach/relax over anxious inexperienced guy.

Hello, I'm hoping for some advice from you lovely people. A little about me first, having been with the same guy for years and only experiencing the same predictable routine for that time I've not realised I wanted or was missing out on a more interesting sex life.
I met someone online who first was a friend but then became an online sexual relationship, he fired up my imagination by introducing me to new ideas through roleplay on messenger and sending me to here where I have had fun reading the stories/threads then chatting with him about them. I've known him almost two years now and recently we decided to meet and have done so a couple of times. Both of us keen to try the things we have been talking about for months.
He is much younger than me, I am his first partner and our connection when we meet is just as lovely as its been online. However, he just can't seem to relax with me, he has a mental health issue which means he finds it difficult to be around people. Able to maintain an erection for a long time he just can't finish, he says its fine but he must be frustrated! That blissful state where the body and instinct takes over seems to elude him, for example kissing, is not becoming those long deep slow tongue tangling kisses that go on forever but feel stiff, slightly awkward, almost like its all considered "I should kiss her here and touch her there".
I'm hoping you may have some advice for me on finding ways to help him relax, which hopefully would help with the finishing problem as well.

A moderate amount of alcohol, if it doesn't conflict with his medication. I'll assume pot brownies aren't legal where you are. Other than that time and familiarity are the real cures for anxiety, but you can try positions where you aren't looking at him, like doggy style or reverse cowgirl or spooning. One of those hour-long recordings of something relaxing like rain and pan flutes probably wouldn't hurt, though it might not help a lot.

But that thing where instinct takes over, that doesn't happen for me, it's not universal nor required for orgasm.

Not saying this is the issue, but maybe something to talk about; Aphenphosmphobia (the fear of being touched) is surprisingly common and debilitating. You can do a search....here's one I just grabbed --> http://www.changethatsrightnow.com/touch-phobia/understanding/

It's difficult for a lot of people to relax with people they don't know very well. Building trust takes time, mostly in real life. Inexperience and mental health issues don't help. Ask your friend what he wants from this relationship and how he sees your role in it.

sunandshadow said:

time and familiarity are the real cures for anxiety

Click to expand...

^True.

OP: you said you were his first so you can't really expect him to know what he's doing. A lot of his actions probably are scripted out in his head. He will find his own groove eventually. Plus, if you are relaxed and the atmosphere is relaxed, and not "staged", that will help. I certainly wouldn't let him know that you notice his awkwardness. That will only make it worse! Just have some patience, he'll catch on soon enough.

If he is on medication, that's probably the problem. Many make it difficult to "finish", for both men and women. It just takes much longer. Increased stimulation, both in duration and intensity, is necessary, whether that means playing out scenes, other games, or toys, or all of the above. Toys help a lot...that, and knowing the person you are with is patient. If medication is the problem, patience and creativity are key.

Thank you for all your replies and advice. I'd thought that him finishing to quickly would be the issue so I was surprised to find the opposite. Medication is probably contributing as suggested, he does take quite a cocktail. But as most people are saying I think time and patience should do the trick.... that and a blindfold. Perhaps if he is not feeling watched that might help him.
However I have not had so much fun in years. He's really opened me up to new ideas and a better feeling of self worth. I love him for it and just want him to feel as good about himself as he makes me.

I am that guy. Not literally, but close enough that I recognise someone like myself being described. Be open, and honest, and be patient, and if he needs reassurance, provide it.
I always liked tactile stimulation but I'm also very anxious and hate my body and feel I'm not well endowed enough and no one could ever want me because I'm too kinky etc etc etc. The one serious relationship I had, which was a complete mess, actually worked because my partner was patient with me. It didn't work out for a whole plethora of reasons (we were both struggling with mental health issues at the time - and I still am), but one of the reasons I'm still wrestling with it was she just accepted everything and was incredibly patient with me.

So yes: patience, familiarity, honesty about each other's wants, openness, and affection will see you through.

Lots of good advice here, and your head seems to be in the right place.

Most of the SSRI medications seem to interfere with 'the movie in the brain", making orgasm difficult to get to. Sometimes intense sexual sensory overload works, but your guy's best bet is to talk to his doctor, who may be able to tune the medication schedule a bit. It is not an uncommon thing, and the doc can often help. Intense sensory overload can involve things he hasn't shared yet.

Guys may be reluctant to share sexual information with a doctor. You can't push too hard on him, but you can gently explain that this is one of the health problems they deal with every day. It is not unusual and there is no shame in looking for help. An example I can give is switching from an extended release version of a medication to a twice daily one, and managing the dosages and times.

I hope you find a way to figure it out.