Need Help Editing (rejected twice)!

racerXXXXXX

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Jun 4, 2009
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63
Here is the story:

This is a story that my wife told me about the time she got gangbanged while at college. My wife is very sexy looking with gorgeous blond hair and sexy tits, legs and ass, even after having three kids.

She is a stay at home Mom so when the kids are in school she goes to the gym and keeps herself in great shape. She is also quite a sex fiend; she’ll fuck or suck my cock just about any time as long as the kids aren’t around.

In our group of friends she is the only wife that says she actually likes sucking dick. I married her twenty years ago and she has only gotten hotter looking and more appealing over the years.

This is the story she told me about how it happened; She and her boyfriend at the time, a guy named Jeff, had experimented with some group sex situations, she blew him and a couple of his friends (with his approval) on a road trip to another school and another time after a party at her place they had a threesome with one of her female roommates.

They had discussed the possibility of a gangbang almost as a joke to see how many guys it would take to satisfy her legendary sexual appetite. Unknown to her Jeff had arranged the entire thing with three of his buddies.

It was a typical spring weekend night in a small college town in Pennsylvania. Jeff picked her up and they went to their friend Tonys off campus house, three of their male friends were already there; Tony, a well built Italian guy with jet black hair, Jackson (a football player with a massive cock) and another friend named Billy.

They told her that there was going to be get together at Tony’s place and a bunch of other people were coming to party but they had not arrived yet. The five of them were drinking and partying for awhile and the guys were making a lot of sexual comments about how hot she looked and how they would like to “show her what a real man is like” as a way to bust on Jeff. After awhile of partying and messing around someone suggested they all get into the hot tub. The five of them stripped to their underwear (and bra for her) and got into the hot tub with their drinks.

After a few minutes Jeff said “it’s time” and the guys took off their underwear simultaneously and stood up exposing their stiff cocks while Jeff announced to her that her sexual dreams had finally come true. She was puzzled, and he went on to say that their mission was to finally sexually satisfy her legendary sex appetite this evening.

Before she could register exactly what he meant, all four of them converged on her, taking her by the arms and legs and stripping off her bra and panties exposing her naked breasts and closely trimmed pussy. Jeff started kissing her while the other guys worked on her body, touching, grabbing, rubbing and licking every part of her especially her nipples and pussy. She said it was an incredibly hot and stimulating scene.

She motioned to Jeff and Tony to sit up on the edge of the hot tub, the water was just about ass level and she bent over at the waist and she went to work alternating on their cocks, sucking one while stroking the other cock with her hand.

Meanwhile Jackson and Billy were working on her from behind in the warm water. Billy guided his cock into her already wet and slippery box and started hammering away while holding onto her hips. All the while Jackson sucked and pinched her tits and nipples while rubbing his massive cock all over her body.

It didn’t take long before the first load of the evening was dumped into her pussy by Billy, then Tony took his place behind her while Jackson sat up on the edge of the hot tub with Jeff. She pulled Jeff’s cock out of her mouth and before switching over to Jackson’s nine inch cock said:

“Jackson’s cock sure makes yours look small Jeff”.

He smiled and said “it’s never left you unsatisfied has it”,

She shook her head back and forth agreeing with him as she struggled to get her mouth around Jackson’s cock. It was so big around she had to reposition to get her mouth around it and she took as much into her mouth as she could while cupping his balls with one hand and stroking the shaft with her other hand as she struggled to suck his cock.

She said; “I really like this big cock” and stayed on it until it spewed its delicious creamy goop into her mouth and she swallowed it all down.

Just about that time Tony started to pump very hard and fast and she knew he was about to cum too, which he did.

“Only one more dick to satisfy” she said and she motioned Jeff to sit down on the seat in the water, she mounted him quickly and bounced up and down on his cock until he dumped his load in her too.

“Wow, that was great”, she said, “but I don’t think you guys can say you totally satisfied me at all, I satisfied all of you and I didn’t even cum”.

“You don’t think we are done yet, do you”? “We’re just getting started”, Jeff said.

“Well I just assumed since you all came”…

”oh no, we are going up to the bedroom now and we are going to take care of that pussy of yours…we promise…satisfaction…right guys”.

“Hell yes, we are gonna fuck you silly”, they said.

They got out of the hot tub and dried off and went upstairs, all of them still naked with towels wrapped around them and they proceeded to pound a few more drinks and do few more bong hits while standing in the kitchen in nothing but their towels to keep their buzzes going strong. She asked where the bedroom was and told them to meet her there in 5 minutes, as she walked out of the room she heard them all high fiving each other knowing they were all having one hell of a memorable night, she went to the bathroom and freshened up from the hot tub session and then went into the bedroom where the guys were waiting for her.

“This does not seem right”, she said…”too bright, turn off that light Billy and here I’ll turn on this dim lamp”.

She noticed their cocks were all rock hard standing at attention; “from the looks of things [she was looking at their erect cocks] you guys are ready to keep this party going, huh”?

“Okay, let’s see what kind of pussy eaters we have here”, as she bounced down on the bed spreading her legs and demanding a cock be placed in her mouth.

Jeff went right to work on her pussy while Billy offered his cock to her waiting mouth while Jackson and Tony had their cocks stroked by her free hands. She laid down on her back and Billy got onto his hands and knees with his cock hanging over her face and slipped it in her mouth as if it were an inviting vagina, he pushed his swollen member deep into her throat, almost to his balls and then pulling it out and pushing it in time after time, he grunted in ecstasy and the added bonus was that he had just come about 30 minutes ago so he was in full control (my wife still loves sucking my dick while I eat her pussy.

Meanwhile Jeff had two fingers buried in her pussy rubbing her g-spot as he licked at her clit. She started to moan with Billy’s cock in her mouth and her hips bucked faster and faster until finally a low moan erupted from her mouth as she came. Jeff knew not to stop, because he knew from experience she would come again, so he kept on licking and rubbing with his fingers as Billy kept hammering away at her mouth. As she shuttered with orgasm for a second time Billy let go as well, filling her throat with his second load of cum this evening.

She pushed Jeff’s mouth away from her clit and pointed at Jackson’s dick, “I need that thing in me NOW”, she said!

Jackson scurried onto the bed, knelt between her legs and rubbed head of his massive cock up and down her slit to moisten his cock head and it took a few tries but he finally slid the huge black cock all the way in to her soaked pussy, she let out an “oh yes”…and said “that thing feels great in me”.

Jackson too, was in full control of himself from Cumming earlier and he pounded his cock in and out at a nice steady pace while my wife was totally enjoying the flogging. After a few minutes of getting it from the big meat my wife stopped Jackson and asked him to lay down on the bed so she could get on top, she had a plan to cum again. He lay down on his back and she quickly crawled on top giving his cock a quick lick on the way up. She guided his thick black cock back into her box moaning with pleasure as she pushed it all the way in. Then she rode it up and down while the others watched her work her hips on Jackson’s massive cock. It took only a few minutes until she picked up the pace and started screaming as she had another orgasm.

Jackson then turned her around to reverse cowboy position so she could continue to suck the others cocks while he pounded her sloppy wet pussy until he dumped his load in her again.

After Tony and Jeff each came again in her pussy while she sucked on the other cocks some more she was starting to tire out, but noticed all four still had full erections.

“How are you guys still going”? She said. “I fucked the balls off of all four of you and you are ready for more”?

“Well”…Tony said, “we were a little intimidated by the reputation of your sexual prowess so we cheated just bit”.

“What do mean cheated”, she said. “You’ve heard of that new drug Viagra”?

“Yea”.

“We got a hold of some and believe me it works, look at our cocks they are all still rock hard and ready to go again after fucking the hell out of you”!

“Well…you sorry bastards were afraid that four of you big college studs couldn’t keep up with lil ole me, hah, that’s a good one. Well I am still ready to go, let’s see how long those drug assisted cocks will last. Tony you got any lube”?

“Yes I do”.

“Great, get it out we may be here awhile”.

She continued to suck and fuck the four of them deep into the night, finally, exhausted, none of they guys could go any longer and they all collapsed on the beds and sofas. She was satisfied, even with the guys using Viagra, she out fucked them all!

My wife and I don’t fuck around outside our marriage but we do like to talk about the old times and embellish a bit to make things more interesting when we have our fun sex sessions.
 
Ohh-kay...

Now, first off, it would be nice if you could check to see why your story got rejected. Reading through it semi-cursorily, I don't see any hard bans, like underage or bestiality, but I might have missed something.

On a technical level, your biggest problem is punctuation in conjunction with quotation marks. There are a few rules concerning quotation marks, and--alas--you managed to go wrong on almost all of them. Here they are, with examples from your story and corrections following:

1) All dialogue in quotes must end with some sort of punctuation mark.
After a few minutes Jeff said “it’s time_
(should be)
After a few minutes Jeff said “it’s time.
(or)
After a few minutes Jeff said “it’s time!

(For that matter, there ought to be a comma after "Jeff said" as well.)

2) Said punctuation mark must be inside the quotes themselves.
“Jackson’s cock sure makes yours look small Jeff”.
(should be)
“Jackson’s cock sure makes yours look small Jeff.

3) Said punctuation mark must always be a sentence-ender, such as a period, exclamation point, question mark or ellipsis ("dot-dot-dot").
He smiled and said “it’s never left you unsatisfied has it”,
(should be)
He smiled and said “it’s never left you unsatisfied has it.
(or)
He smiled and said “it’s never left you unsatisfied has it?

4) The sole exception to #3 is that a quotation which would normally end with a period but is followed by further description, such as a "he said" / "she said" attribution rider, must end with a comma instead.

You actually got this rule right most of the time.
“Wow, that was great”, she said, “but I don’t think you guys can say you [...]
Aside from the placement of the comma itself, this is correct, as are most of the other instances of it in the story.

These are all little things and could easily be fixed with a Find-&-Replace, but little things matter. As Mies van der Rohe put it, "God is in the details." Or, to quote the common saying, "The devil is in the details." And, with your story's details such a divine battleground, you can see why Laurel & Manu might have decided to make you get them straightened out first. ;)

Hope this helps!
 
I didn't count the words, but there is minimum. Make sure that's not it.
 
The first time I submitted a story here, it was rejected for the reason as described by CWatson.

The reject notice said something along the lines of: 'The convention is that quotation marks are placed after (rather than before) commas, periods, question marks, and exclamation marks.'

After doing the necessary editing, I re-submitted the story and it was then approved.

Actually, I was very surprised to find that I had been making such a rudimentary mistake.
I mean, I read a lot of novels, and it's amazing to think that this punctuation issue obviously hadn't sunk in.

I am grateful to the Literotica editors for showing me the light!
 
As CWatson notes, it's just spinning wheels to conjecture why your story got rejected if you don't provide the reason given for the rejection. A reason is given for rejection--and usually it's in the form of a question that sometimes can simply be answered in a refile statement that the reason for rejection doesn't apply in the specific instance.
 
Thanks for the suggestions. What about the first sentence...can you think of another way to say it?
 
I just checked the rejection reason and it said that the punctuation was the problem so I'll re submit after using your suggestions, Thanks!
 
Please critique my changes...

This is a story that my wife told me about the time she got gangbanged while at college. My wife is very sexy looking with gorgeous blond hair and sexy tits, legs and ass, even after having three kids.

She is a stay at home Mom so when the kids are in school she goes to the gym and keeps herself in great shape. She is also quite a sex fiend; she’ll fuck or suck my cock just about any time as long as the kids aren’t around.

In our group of friends, she is the only wife that says she actually likes sucking dick. I married her twenty years ago and she has only gotten hotter looking and more appealing over the years.

This is the story of how it happened; She and her boyfriend at the time, a guy named Jeff, had experimented with some group sex situations; she blew him and a couple of his friends (with his approval) on a road trip to another school and another time after a party at her place they had a threesome with one of her female roommates. They had discussed the possibility of a gangbang as a joke, speculating how many guys it would take to satisfy her legendary sexual appetite. Unknown to her Jeff had arranged the entire thing with three of his buddies.

It was a typical spring weekend night in a small college town in Pennsylvania. Jeff picked her up and they went to their friend Tony’s off campus house. Three of their male friends were already there; Tony, a well built Italian guy with jet black hair, Jackson (a football player with a massive cock) and another friend named Billy.

They told her that there was going to be get together at Tony’s place and a bunch of other people were coming to party but they had not arrived yet. The five of them were drinking and partying for awhile and the guys were making a lot of sexual comments about how hot she looked and how they would like to “show her what a real man is like,” as a way to bust on Jeff. After partying and messing around awhile someone suggested they all get into the hot tub. The five of them stripped to their underwear (and bra for her) and got into the hot tub with their drinks.

After a few minutes Jeff said “it’s time,” and the guys took off their underwear simultaneously and stood up exposing their stiff cocks while Jeff announced to her that her sexual dreams had finally come true. She was puzzled, and he went on to say that their mission was to finally sexually satisfy her legendary sex appetite this evening.

Before she could register exactly what he meant, all four of them converged on her, taking her by the arms and legs and stripping off her bra and panties exposing her naked breasts and closely trimmed pussy. Jeff started kissing her while the other guys worked on her body, touching, grabbing, rubbing and licking every part of her especially her nipples and pussy. She said it was an incredibly hot and stimulating scene.

She motioned to Jeff and Tony to sit up on the edge of the hot tub, the water was just about ass level and she bent over at the waist and she went to work alternating on their cocks, sucking one while stroking the other cock with her hand.

Meanwhile Jackson and Billy were working on her from behind in the warm water. Billy guided his cock into her already wet and slippery box and started hammering away while holding onto her hips. All the while Jackson sucked and pinched her tits and nipples while rubbing his massive cock on her body.

It didn’t take long before the first load of the evening was dumped into her pussy by Billy, then Tony took his place behind her while Jackson sat up on the edge of the hot tub with Jeff. She pulled Jeff’s cock out of her mouth and before switching over to Jackson’s nine inch cock said:

“Jackson’s cock sure makes yours look small Jeff.”

He smiled and said “it’s never left you unsatisfied has it?”

She shook her head back and forth agreeing with him as she struggled to get her mouth around Jackson’s cock. It was so big around she had to reposition to get her mouth around it and she took as much into her mouth as she could while cupping his balls with one hand and stroking the shaft with her other hand as she struggled to suck his cock.

She said; “I really like this big cock of yours Jackson,” and continued sucking and stroking it until it spewed its delicious creamy goop into her mouth and she swallowed it all down.

Just about that time, Tony started to pump his cock very hard and fast in and out of her soaking wet box and she knew he was about to cum too, which he did.

“Only one more dick to satisfy” she said and she motioned to Jeff to sit down on the seat in the water, she mounted him quickly and bounced up and down on his cock until he dumped his load in her too.

“Wow, that was great”, she said, “but I don’t think you guys can say you totally satisfied me at all, I satisfied all of you and I didn’t even cum.”

“You don’t think we are done yet, do you?”

“We’re just getting started”, Jeff said.

“Well I just assumed since you all came”…

”Oh no, we are going up to the bedroom now and we are going to take care of that pussy of yours…we promise…satisfaction…right guys?”

“Hell yes, we are gonna fuck you silly”, they said.

They got out of the hot tub and dried off and went upstairs, all of them still naked with towels wrapped around them and they proceeded to pound a few more drinks and do few more bong hits to keep their buzzes going strong while standing in the kitchen in nothing but their towels.

She asked where the bedroom was and told them to meet her there in 5 minutes, as she walked out of the room she heard them all high fiving each other knowing they were all having one hell of a memorable night.

She went to the bathroom and freshened up from the hot tub session and then went into the bedroom where the guys were waiting for her.

“This does not seem right”, she said, “too bright, turn off that light Billy and here I’ll turn on this dim lamp.”

She noticed their cocks were all rock hard standing at attention.

“From the looks of things [she was looking at their erect cocks] you guys are ready to keep this party going, huh?”

“Okay, let’s see what kind of pussy eaters we have here.”

She bounced down on the bed spreading her legs and demanding a cock be placed in her mouth.

Jeff went right to work eating her pussy while Billy offered his cock to her waiting mouth. Jackson and Tony kneeled on each side of her and had their cocks stroked by her free hands. Billy got onto his hands and knees with his cock hanging over her face and slipped it in her mouth as if it were an inviting vagina, he pushed his swollen cock deep into her throat, almost to his balls, then pulling it out and pushing it in, time after time, he grunted in ecstasy and the added bonus was that he just came about 30 minutes ago so he was in full control of his cock.

Meanwhile, Jeff had two fingers buried in her pussy rubbing her g-spot as he licked at her clit. She started to moan with Billy’s cock in her mouth and her hips bucked faster and faster until finally a low moan erupted from her mouth as she came. Jeff knew not to stop, because he knew from experience she would come again, so he kept on licking and rubbing with his fingers as Billy kept hammering away at her mouth. She shuttered with orgasm for a second time, Billy let go as well, filling her throat with his second load of cum this evening.

She pushed Jeff’s mouth away from her clit and pointed at Jackson’s dick, “I need that thing in me NOW”, she said.

Jackson scurried onto the bed, knelt between her legs and rubbed head of his massive cock up and down her slit to moisten his cock head and it took a few tries but he finally slid the huge black cock all the way in to her soaked pussy and she moaned, “oh yes, that thing feels great in me.”

Jackson too, was in full control of himself from Cumming earlier and he pounded his cock in and out at a nice steady pace while my wife was totally enjoying the flogging. After a few minutes of getting it from the big meat my wife stopped Jackson and asked him to lay down on the bed so she could get on top, she had a plan to cum again.

He lay down on his back and she quickly crawled on top giving his cock a quick lick on the way up. She guided his thick black cock back into her box moaning with pleasure as she pushed it all the way in. Then she rode it up and down while the others watched her work her hips on Jackson’s massive cock. It took only a few minutes until she picked up the pace and started screaming as she had another orgasm.

Jackson then turned her around to reverse cowboy position so she could continue to suck the others cocks while he pounded her creamy pussy until he dumped his load in her again.

Tony and Jeff each had another turn with her and came again in her pussy while she sucked on the other cocks.

She was starting to tire out, but noticed all four of the guys still had full erections.

“How are you guys still going”? She said.

“I fucked the balls off of all four of you and you are ready for more?”

“Well, we were a little intimidated by the reputation of your sexual prowess so we cheated just bit”.

“What do mean cheated”, she said.

“You’ve heard of that new erection drug Viagra, right?”

“Sure.”

“We got a hold of some and believe me it works great, look at our cocks they are all still rock hard and ready to go again after fucking the hell out of you!”

“Well you sorry bastards were afraid that you four big college studs couldn’t keep up with lil ole me?”

“That’s a good one.”

“I am still ready to go, let’s see how long those drug assisted cocks will last!”

“Tony, you got any lube”?

“Yes I do.”

“Great, get it out, we may be here awhile.”

She continued to suck and fuck the four of them deep into the night. Finally, exhausted, none of they guys could go any longer and they collapsed on the beds and sofas.

She was satisfied, even with the guys using Viagra, she out fucked them all!
 
In looking through the first few paragraphs, I see a few punctuation problems, but not enough to cause a rejection at Lit., I don’t think:


This is a story that[omit the “that”] my wife told me about the time she got gangbanged while at college. My wife is very sexy looking[add comma] with gorgeous blond[blond is male; blonde is female] hair and sexy tits, legs[add comma. Publishing uses the serial comma] and ass, even after having three kids.

She is a stay at home[stay-at-home] Mom[add comma. Two independent clauses] so when the kids are in school[add comma] she goes to the gym and keeps herself in great shape. She is also quite a sex fiend; she’ll fuck or suck my cock just about any time as long as the kids aren’t around.

In our group of friends, she is the only wife that[“who” would be better than “that.” She’s a person, not an object. "That" has crept in, though, so some with accept it.] says she actually likes sucking dick. I married her twenty years ago[add comma. Two independent clauses] and she has only gotten hotter looking and more appealing over the years.

This is the story of how it happened;[period, not semicolon] She and her boyfriend at the time, a guy named Jeff, had experimented with some group sex situations;[a period is better, with the “she” capitalized then] she blew him and a couple of his friends (with his approval) on a road trip to another school[add comma. Two independent clauses] and another time after a party at her place they had a threesome with one of her female roommates. They had discussed the possibility of a gangbang[gang bang as a noun] as a joke, speculating how many guys it would take to satisfy her legendary sexual appetite. Unknown to her[a purist would put a comma here, but it reads OK without one, I think] Jeff had arranged the entire thing with three of his buddies.
 
I resubmitted and the story was approved! I changed the title to "The Winner Is."

Thanks again for the help!
 
Just a few quick notes:

with gorgeous blond[blond is male; blonde is female] hair

This is incorrect. The English language does not use gender the way romance languages do. Blond/blonde are both correct in all instances, it is simply a matter of taste. I prefer, and see most often, "blonde."

After a few minutes Jeff said “it’s time,”

He smiled and said “it’s never left you unsatisfied has it?”

In both these cases, "it's" must be capitalized, because you have a complete sentence of dialogue contained within the quotations (also, don't forget the comma after minutes and unsatisfied!).
 
Just a few quick notes:



This is incorrect. The English language does not use gender the way romance languages do. Blond/blonde are both correct in all instances, it is simply a matter of taste. I prefer, and see most often, "blonde."

What is your authoritative source (other than your own preference) for saying I am incorrect? Most U.S. publishers use the Chicago Manual of Style as their style authority for fiction. The CMS defers to Webster's Collegiate Dictionary for spellings (section 2.51). Webster's Collegiate Decitionary makes the distinction I have on blond/blonde. ("blond or blonde: a person having blond hair--spelled blond when used of a boy or man and usu. blonde when used of a girl or woman.")

If you have an authoritative source (which means more than your personal opinion), cite it. Otherwise I'm not the one being incorrect. If you want to declare guidance given as incorrect, cite your authoritative source for doing so. This isn't the place to claim that your personal preference is the standard.

Your dialogue comments aren't from a section that I edited here.
 
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I sincerely apologize, sr71plt. I am wrong.

Thanks. This sort of choice can certainly be a personal one for posting at Literotica, of course. But for giving guidance on "best choice," I go with the standard authorities when they exist and I can find them.
 
I have a similar issue in that I have been rejected twice, the second time for punctuation in speech, however all the 'speech' in my story is in text form. In a effort to reflect the times I have dropped the punctuation as would be the case in a text. I haven't used text speech as it is a sub Dom story and my main character would neither use nor accept text speech but will drop punctuation to save space and time.
Apparently this is not acceptable. Help
 
Tigerdrew, can you show us a few paragraphs that include speech? In a new thread, of course.
 
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Blonde on Blond with apologies to Dylan.

I got interested in the blond on blonde debate. I never thought it mattered which spelling you used and I seem to have some sort of support for this from the OED. But maybe it's different in the UK. Can I really start a sentence with BUT! Never mind lets not go there as well! Anyway for what it's worth the following is pasted from the OED - the main authority for British English.

"The alternative spellings blonde and blond correspond to the feminine and masculine forms in French, but in English the distinction is not always made, as English does not have such distinctions of grammatical gender. Thus, blond woman or blonde woman, blond man or blonde man are all used. The word is more commonly used of women, though, and in the noun the spelling is typically blonde. In American usage the usual spelling is blond for both adjective and noun."

It's not a big deal - strange how one gets sidetracked into grammer - when reading erotica!
 
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Yes

Britsh grammar can be a bit tricky!

Also, Company Chairman or Managing Director? Uh-uh! That's wrong" They should be rendered as company chairman or managing director. They should not be capitalised.
 
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