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Sad!

So simple, yet so profound.

Words of wisdom from that famous philosopher, Willie Nelson, on his 75th
birthday:

"I have outlived my dick."
That one is a real pisser DP, sad, really sad. I just wished mine could keep up with my mind. Oh well.
DG
 
Thanks DP

Not much to look forward to, is it? :(

I just want to thank you for helping me with the humor. As you know I have a lot more but most have pics or videos. I have no idea how to post them, so I'll stay with my little humorous jokes.
Thank you good friend
DG
 
I just want to thank you for helping me with the humor. As you know I have a lot more but most have pics or videos. I have no idea how to post them, so I'll stay with my little humorous jokes.
Thank you good friend
DG

I receive some every week and this is a place to share the better ones. :D
 
What's the last thing that passes through a bug's mind when it hits a windshield?

Its asshole. ;)
 
One more by George Carlin

Subject: AM I A BAD AMERICAN?

YES, I'M A BAD AMERICAN by: George Carlin

I Am Your Worst Nightmare.

I am a BAD American.

I am George Carlin.

I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family,
not some mid level governmental functionary be it Democratic or Republican!

I'm in touch with my feelings and I like it that way!

I think being a minority does not make you noble or victimized,
and does not entitle you to anything.

I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, do it in English.

I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God
when and where they want to.

My heroes are John Wayne, Babe Ruth, Roy Rogers, and
whoever canceled Jerry Springer.

I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.

I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time watching
or arguing about it.

I've never owned a slave, or was a slave,

I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by theTurks
and neither have you! So, shut up already.

I believe if you don't like the way things are here,
go back to where you came from and change your own country!

This is AMERICA.

I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson preaches,
where he gets his money, and why he is always part of the problem and not the solution.

Can I get an AMEN on that one?

I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry rear if you're running from them..

I also think they have the right to pull you over if you're breaking the law,
regardless of what color you are.

..and, no, I don't mind having my face shown on my drivers license.

I think it's good..... and I'm proud that 'God' is written on my money.

I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation in the world for the next four years.

I dislike those people standing in the intersections trying to sell me stuff
or trying to guilt me into making 'donations' to their cause.

I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents.

..and what is going on with gas prices... again?

I believe 'illegal' is illegal no matter what the lawyers think.

I believe the American flag should be the only one allowed in AMERICA!

If this makes me a BAD American, then yes, I'm a BAD American.

If you are a BAD American too, please forward this to everyone you know.

We want our country back!

We NEED GOD BACK IN OUR COUNTRY!

Amen George! Rest in Peace
DGHear
 
Bump

Hi there! DG Hear. For those of you who read this thread and enjoy some of the humor. When it gets to the bottom of the page or on page two, can you just give it a bump? It will get more A/H er's to read it. I believe humore is good for us all. I'll try to keep submitting humor as often as possible. It just lets me know others are reading it and makes it easy to find. Please don't be afraid to submit your own also. This thread is for everyone.
Thank you
DG
 
Hi there! DG Hear. For those of you who read this thread and enjoy some of the humor. When it gets to the bottom of the page or on page two, can you just give it a bump? It will get more A/H er's to read it. I believe humore is good for us all. I'll try to keep submitting humor as often as possible. It just lets me know others are reading it and makes it easy to find. Please don't be afraid to submit your own also. This thread is for everyone.
Thank you
DG

Up for Musician jokes?

I know many - in every category. Enough to offend every instrumentalist and vocalist.

:eek:
 
Great!!!

Up for Musician jokes?

I know many - in every category. Enough to offend every instrumentalist and vocalist.

:eek:
Offend me Sweetheart!!! I play an accordian. Give me your best. Offend some others while you are at it. LOL

Love it.
 
Irish Gas Station

IRISH GAS STATION

While driving home from the golf course, Tiger Woods drives his
new Mercedes into an Irish gas station. An attendant greets him in
typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro is.. "Top o' the mornin'
to ya."
As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket.

"So what are those things, laddie?" asks the attendant.

"They're called tees," replies Tiger.

"And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?" inquires the Irishman.

"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replies Tiger.

"Aw, Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!" exclaims the Irish attendant.
"Those fellas at Mercedes think of everything!"
 
Accordion Jokes

If you drop an accordion, a set of bagpipes and a viola off a 20-story building, which one lands first?
Who cares?

What's the difference between an Uzi and an accordion?
The Uzi stops after 20 rounds.

What do you call ten accordions at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.

What's a bassoon good for?
Kindling for an accordion fire.

What's a accordion good for?
Learning how to fold a map.

What do you call a group of topless female accordian players?
Ladies in Pain ( :D )


Bumper Stickers:

1. Play an accordian--go to jail!
2. Three rows and you're out!


Minimum safe distances between street musicians and the public:

* Violinist: 25 feet
* Bad Violinist: 50 feet
* Tone Deaf Guitar Player who knows 3 chords: 75 feet
* 15 year-old Electric Guitar Player with Nirvana fixation: 100 feet
* Accordionist: 60 miles
 
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Sm,ile!!!

If you drop an accordion, a set of bagpipes and a viola off a 20-story building, which one lands first?
Who cares?

What's the difference between an Uzi and an accordion?
The Uzi stops after 20 rounds.

What do you call ten accordions at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.

What's a bassoon good for?
Kindling for an accordion fire.

What's a accordion good for?
Learning how to fold a map.

What do you call a group of topless female accordian players?
Ladies in Pain ( :D )


Bumper Stickers:

1. Play an accordian--go to jail!
2. Three rows and you're out!


Minimum safe distances between street musicians and the public:

* Violinist: 25 feet
* Bad Violinist: 50 feet
* Tone Deaf Guitar Player who knows 3 chords: 75 feet
* 15 year-old Electric Guitar Player with Nirvana fixation: 100 feet
* Accordionist: 60 miles
Loved it. When I was a kid practicing I asked my mother what she wanted me to play?
She said, "Over the Hill and Far, Far, Away.

She also said she liked my playing much better with my bedroom door shut.

...and they said Rodney Dangerfield got 'No Respect."

Great shit Sweet Sarahh!
DG
 
Are you a good Speller?

This is weird, but interesting!
fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too

Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can. (I think more than that can read it)

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad it or tlel semonoe

DG Haer, haha.
 
Politically Incorrect but I found it funny.

Idiot Quote of the Century

'My friends, we live in the greatest nation in the history of the world. I hope you'll join with me as we try to change it.'

- Barack Obama

Sorry by this was funny.
DG
 
Idiot Quote of the Century

'My friends, we live in the greatest nation in the history of the world. I hope you'll join with me as we try to change it.'

- Barack Obama

Sorry by this was funny.
DG

It is, agreed.

However, this is such small potatoes in comparison to the dozens of websites devoted to all of the Bushisms out there.

I mean, he even eclipsed the Quayle-isms.

I wonder if there will ever be another president who said as many stupid things.
 
Guitar Jokes

What does it mean when a guitar player is drooling out both sides of his mouth?
The stage is level.

How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?
Twelve. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it better.

How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
Give him some sheet music.

What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common?
Both suck when you plug them in.

How do you make a bass player turn down the volume?
Put a chart in front of him.

How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
None--they just steal somebody else's light.

What do you call two guitarists playing in unison?
Counterpoint.

What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?
He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it. :D:D:D

What's the best thing to play on a guitar?
Solitaire.

How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?

1. None. They let the keyboard player do it with his left hand.
2. Don't bother. Just leave it out--no one will notice.
3. One, but the guitarist has to show him first.
4. Six: one to change it, and the other five to fight off the lead guitarists who are hogging the light.

In the 22th century, how many guitar players will you need to replace a light source?
Five. One to actually do it, and four to reminisce about how much better the old tubes were.

Did you hear about the electric bass player who was so bad that even the lead singer noticed?
 
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Piano Jokes

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.

What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?
A flat major.

Why is an 11-foot concert grand better than a studio upright?
Because it makes a much bigger kaboom when dropped over a cliff.

Why was the piano invented?
So the musician would have a place to put his beer.

The audience at a piano recital were appalled when a telephone rang just off stage. Without missing a note the soloist glanced toward the wings and called, "If that's my agent, tell him I'm working!"
 
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Percussionist Jokes

Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
So you don't have to retrain the drummers.

What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians?
A drummer.

What did the drummer get on his IQ test?
Drool.

How do you know when a drummer is knocking at your door?
The knock always slows down.

How do you get a drummer to play an accelerando?
Ask him to play in 4/4 at a steady 120.

Why do bands have bass players?
To translate for the drummer.

Did you hear about the time the bass player locked his keys in the car?
It took two hours to get the drummer out.

How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?

1. "Why? Oh, wow! Is it like dark, man?"
2. Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can't just be pushed in.
3. Two: one to hold the bulb, and one to turn his throne (but only after they figure out that you have to turn the bulb).
4. Twenty. One to hold the bulb, and nineteen to drink until the room spins.
5. None. They have a machine to do that.

Why is it good that drummers have a half-ounce more brains than horses?
So they don't disgrace themselves in parades.

What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
With a drum machine you only have to punch the information in once.

Heard backstage: "Will the musicians and the drummer please come to the stage!"
 
Brass Jokes

Trumpet Jokes


How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five. One to handle the bulb and four to tell him how much better they could have done it.

What's the difference between a Trumpet player and the rear end of a horse?
I don't know either.

What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds?
Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.

How to trumpet players traditionally greet each other?
"Hi. I'm better than you."

How do you know when a trumpet player is at your door?
The doorbell shrieks!
Why can't a gorilla play trumpet?
He's too sensitive.

Trombone Jokes


What's the difference between a bass trombone and a chain saw?

1. Vibrato, though you can minimize this difference by holding the chain saw very still.
2. It's easier to improvise on a chainsaw.

How do you know when a trombone player is at your door?
The doorbell drags.

What is a gentleman?
Somebody who knows how to play the trombone, but doesn't.

What do you call a trombonist with a beeper and a cellular telephone?
A optimist.

What is the difference between a dead trombone player lying in the road, and a dead squirrel lying in the road?
The squirrel might have been on his way to a gig.

How many trombonists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but he'll do it too loudly.

How do you know when there's a trombonist at your door?
His hat says "Domino's Pizza"

How do you improve the aerodynamics of a trombonist's car?
Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof.

What kind of calendar does a trombonist use for his gigs?
"Year-At-A-Glance."

How can you tell which kid on a playground is the child of a trombonist?
He doesn't know how to use the slide, and he can't swing.

What is the dynamic range of the bass trombone?
On or off.

It is difficult to trust anyone whose instrument changes shape as he plays it!

French Horn Jokes


How do you get your viola section to sound like the horn section?
Have them miss every other note.

How can you make a trombone sound like a French horn?
Stick your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.

What is the difference between a French horn section and a '57 Chevy?
You can tune a '57 Chevy.

What do you get when you cross a French Horn player and a goalpost?
A goalpost that can't march.

How many French horn players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks.

Why is the French horn a divine instrument?
Because a man blows in it, but only God knows what comes out of it.

How do horn players traditionally greet each other?

1. "Hi. I played that last year."
2. "Hi. I did that piece in junior high."

A girl went out on a date with a trumpet player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was it? Did his embouchure make him a great kisser?"

"Nah," the first girl replied. "That dry, tight, tiny little pucker; it was no fun at all."

The next night she went out with a tuba player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?"

"Ugh!" the first girl exclaimed. "Those huge, rubbery, blubbery, slobbering slabs of meat; oh, it was just gross!"

The next night she went out with a French horn player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?"

"Well," the first girl replied, "his kissing was just so-so; but I loved the way he held me!"

Tuba Jokes

What's the range of a tuba?
Twenty yards if you've got a good arm!

How many tuba players does it take to change a light bulb?
Three! One to hold the bulb and two to drink 'till the room spins.

What's a tuba for?
1 1/2" by 3 1/2" unless you request "full cut."
(Note: in the USA, a 2 x 4 is a two-inch by four-inch piece of wood, which actually measures 1 1/2 inches by 3 1/2 inches.)

How do you fix a broken tuba?
With a tuba glue.

These two tuba players walk past a bar...

Well, it could happen!
 
Woodwind Jokes

Flute/Piccolo Jokes


How do you get two piccolos to play in unison?
Shoot one.

Two musicians are walking down the street, and one says to the other, "Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?"

The other replies, "That was no piccolo, that was my fife."

Double Reed Jokes


Why is a bassoon better than an oboe?
The bassoon burns longer.

What is a burning oboe good for?
Setting a bassoon on fire.

What is the definition of a half step?
Two oboes playing in unison.

What is the definition of a major second?
Two baroque oboes playing in unison.

How do you get an oboist to play A flat?
Take the batteries out of his electric tuner.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the bassoon recital.

What's the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad oboist?
A bad oboist can kill you.

Clarinet Jokes


How many clarinetists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but he'll go through a whole box of bulbs before he finds just the right one.

What's the definition of "nerd?"
Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.

What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?
Gifted.

Saxophone Jokes


You might notice that there are very few jokes about the clarinet. This is out of sympathy. The clarinet has already been the butt of so many jokes - the saxophone, for instance.

How many alto sax players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five. One to change the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would have done it.

What's the difference between a saxophone and a lawn mower?

1. Lawn mowers sound better in small ensembles.
2. The neighbors are upset if you borrow a lawnmower and don't return it.
3. The grip.

What's the difference between a baritone saxophone and a chain saw?
The exhaust.

The soprano, not being smart enough to use birth control, says to her saxophonist lover, "Honey, I think you better pull out now."
He replies, "Why? Am I sharp?"

Small wonder we have so much trouble with air pollution in the world when so much of it has passed through saxophones.
 
Cute Stuff Sarahh

I was wondering what instrument you played. Just by know the name of all those, I figure you were in the school band.

By the way, how come you had to change so many light bulbs?
DG
 
PHONES IN CHURCH

A man in Topeka , Kansas decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco and started working east from there.

Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes.

He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign, which read 'Calls: $10,000 a minute.'

Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone and the sign. The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to GOD.

The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way. As he continued to visit churches in Seattle , Dallas , St. Louis , Chicago , Milwaukee , and around the United States , he found more phones, with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor.

Finally, he arrived in Ohio , upon entering a church in Cambridge , Ohio behold - he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read 'Calls: 35 cents.'

Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor, 'Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden telephone and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to GOD, but in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads only 35 cents a call.



Why?' !

I love this part...We love Ohio............





The pastor, smiling benignly, replied, 'Son, you're in Ohio now ...... You're in God's Country, It's a local call.'

American by Birth - A Buckeye by the Grace of God.

Come-om now. you know that was cute.
DG
 
Logic

I like this one, it made me laugh.
DG

Two rednecks, Jimbo and Bubba, are sitting at their favorite bar,
drinking beer. Jimbo turns to Bubba and says, 'You know, I'm tired of
going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to
the Community College and sign up for some classes.'

Bubba thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day, Jimbo goes down to the college and meets Dean of
Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math,
English, History, and Logic.

'Logic?' Jimbo says. 'What's that?'

The dean says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?'

'Yeah.'

'Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that
you would have a yard.'

'That's true, I do have a yard.'

'I'm not done,' the dean says. 'Because you have a yard, I think
logically that you would have a house.'

'Yes, I do have a house.'

'And because you have a house, I think that you might logicall y have a
family.'

'Yes, I have a family.'

'I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must
have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you
must be a heterosexual.'

'I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all
of that because I have a weed eater.'

Excited to take the class now, Jimbo shakes the Dean's hand and leaves
to go meet Bubba at the bar. He tells Bubba about his classes, how he
is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

'Logic?' Bubba says, 'What's that?'

Jimbo says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?'

'No.'

'Then you're a queer.'
 
I was wondering what instrument you played. Just by know the name of all those, I figure you were in the school band.

By the way, how come you had to change so many light bulbs?
DG

:D

I have a couple of music degrees, yes.

My first instrument was in the brass family but now I do play them all.

And there are many more music jokes out there - many, many more.

;)
 
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