Don't Know What to Think

As I start typing this, I don't know whether I'm even going to dare post it. I don't know anyone well enough to talk to about this except hubby, who's at work, so I'm putting it out here. (Because it makes sense to share with strangers something I'm afraid to share with people I know...)

For several years now, I've considered myself submissive. I've never *explored* submission; I did meet with a Dom about five years ago and we discussed him taking me as a sub, but then I met the man who's now my husband. My husband has no interest in BDSM; he'll get dominant with me in bed if I ask, but that isn't quite the same thing.

A few months ago, hubby gave me permission to explore my submissive side by finding a Dom. Which didn't happen, because the sites that people I know in the lifestyle recommended to me ended up being me getting a bunch of "Hey, whore, I'll make you do what I say" types of private messages. Plus contact from one Dom who kept telling me I should have a massage, which just annoyed me. So "exploring my submissive side" fell by the wayside due to my lack of ability to find someone who wasn't just looking to be abusive.

Now I've become friends with this guy. A nice, submissive guy. From a few things he's told me about his past, I think he actually was a sub at one point, to a Domme. I've never considered myself remotely dominant, but something in me wants to dominate this guy. And that's kind of scaring me, because it isn't a part of myself that I even knew existed until now.

I think I just need someone to tell me that it's okay to think this way. I was abused as a child and in my first marriage, and while I know damn well that domination is nothing even close to abuse, I'm having trouble reconciling this part of myself with what I've always thought of myself, because I don't want to be abusive. And I don't know that I would ever even act on these thoughts with this guy; for one thing, I would have to have hubby's consent, and I'm afraid to even talk to him about it, and for another thing it has the potential to be very awkward if anything did come of it because hubby and I both work with the guy. But even keeping it on a purely fantasy level, I'm kind of afraid of what it says about me that I want to be dominant with him.

It's okay, Karenna. You're growing and changing. it happens to the best of us.

Thanks, Stella. I was just getting used to it being okay to want to submit to someone, and now I've thrown myself for a real loop.

Hi, KarennaC! Maybe you're somebody who can rise to the occasion and be whatever the situation requires. That's a pretty valuable trait, in my little opinion.

Hi, Ahlam. Yeah, I think so... I've just never seen myself as a switch. I've always gone out of my way to avoid causing anyone pain or even being assertive, let alone aggressive, so it's kind of a mind screw to realize part of my brain thinks that way.

I consider myself a Dom and there was a point in my exploration where I needed to see things from a submissive perspective in order to make any further progress. It was quite brief, and as it turns out I have no need to be dominated, but without it I would still be stalled. You seem to need more community support than anything else. Have you tried Fetife?

Yeah, FetLife was where I encountered all the wanna-be Doms who called me names and told me they'd force me to do what they said. I know it's supposed to be a good place for people in the lifestyle or interested in it, but I've yet to manage to find anything other than more aggressive versions of the crap I got on vanilla dating sites. I definitely need community, though.

Sorry to hear that. I was thinking more along the lines of a local munch.

I tried to find out about munches in my area. Given that I'm near a major city, there must be some. The only ones I could find any information on were one that meets at night about 15 miles from me, and one that meets during the day but it's over an hour away. I prefer not to go out at night, and I have kids...

I would come clean with your husband and take it from there. Maybe things can work out better than you think or maybe you can just use it as a good fantasy. I understand your frustrations in finding a good dom. I'm male and it turns me off watching femdom where the women are talking down to their subs like a dog or telling them what a puny dick they have. I like to be dominated but most of that stuff is just a turn off.

Thanks, subwannabe. I do intend to talk to my husband about this. He doesn't share the same interests I do, but if something is appealing to me, he enjoys seeing me enjoy it, if that makes sense.

And I know the degradation thing works for some, but it isn't high on my list.

It seems to me that exploring one's submissive side is essentially the same thing as exploring sexual power play but with more prejudgment involved. Should you take on this submissive fellow in some form of relationship, I suspect that you'll learn plenty about yourself. You may find that your initial beliefs about yourself were accurate or you may find that new aspects of yourself bubble up to the surface. Either way, it's just an exploration with unknown results out there in the future.

That said, since this relationship would be, at least at first, something of an experiment, it would be best if your partner were well aware of your state going in - and I assume you will or may have already talked about this with him.

And, since you're asking for permission, though I don't really have it to give...consider this a special Valentine's Day gift from me to thee: you have my permission to try your hand at dominating your friend.

Thanks, Midwestyankee. I'm not exactly considering doing anything with this guy... the desire to has taken me so off-guard that I came here for advice and have left it at that so far. Even though the guy implied that he had a Domme in the past and that intrigued me, as did some other submissive-ish comments he's made in our conversations, it didn't fully click with me until this morning that part of me wanted to respond to that. I certainly wouldn't start anything with him without being sure he and I were on the same page (AFTER making sure hubby was okay with it...), but at this point I'm still trying to get my head around the fact that I have this interest in him. I doubt I will act on it, if for no other reason than I wouldn't have the first clue how to bring it up with him as a "Hey, would you consider..." sort of thing instead of a "You know, when I lived in Chicago..." and me replying, "Hmm, sounds like you had fun, is that something you're into."

Am I making any sense at all?

KarennaC said:

Thanks, Midwestyankee. I'm not exactly considering doing anything with this guy... the desire to has taken me so off-guard that I came here for advice and have left it at that so far. Even though the guy implied that he had a Domme in the past and that intrigued me, as did some other submissive-ish comments he's made in our conversations, it didn't fully click with me until this morning that part of me wanted to respond to that. I certainly wouldn't start anything with him without being sure he and I were on the same page (AFTER making sure hubby was okay with it...), but at this point I'm still trying to get my head around the fact that I have this interest in him. I doubt I will act on it, if for no other reason than I wouldn't have the first clue how to bring it up with him as a "Hey, would you consider..." sort of thing instead of a "You know, when I lived in Chicago..." and me replying, "Hmm, sounds like you had fun, is that something you're into."

Am I making any sense at all?

Click to expand...

KarennaC: "I'm enjoying our conversations. How about you?"
SubmissiveGuy: "Absolutely. We seem to be clicking for sure."
KC: "Good. Now I have something I want to ask of you. Are you ok with doing something just because I ask for it?"
SG: "Sure, as long as it's legal and ethical."
KC: "Great. Take off your shirt."

And then go wherever you want to go. After some time of taking charge in whatever way makes sense to you at the time, take a break and debrief it with him:

KC: "So...how do you feel about what we just did?"
SG: "Hmmm..."

One of the easiest ways to find out if someone has a submissive bent is to give them an order while you're together. It can be put as a request, but only if it's a very direct request, as above. Then see how they respond. Not all submissive guys will respond to all dominant women (and vice versa, of course) so it's possible that while he's submissive in general, he still might not respond to you that way. But if he does, it could be a fun exploration for both of you.

Thank you. You make it sound so easy...

I told him this morning that I was revising a BDSM scene in one of my works-in-progress and he asked me to send it to him...even after I told him it was male/male, he wanted to read it. Which could be another way into the conversation. After he's read it, ask him what he thought of it and if he identified with either character.

KarennaC said:

Thank you. You make it sound so easy...

I told him this morning that I was revising a BDSM scene in one of my works-in-progress and he asked me to send it to him...even after I told him it was male/male, he wanted to read it. Which could be another way into the conversation. After he's read it, ask him what he thought of it and if he identified with either character.

Click to expand...

Sounds like a good plan. I hope it works and that you get to go on this journey.

Thanks. Me too.

not surprising

All humans have an ability to enjoy a wide variety of behaviors. It seems to me that those of us who were abused often have the ability to go beyond what others consider "normal" for their kicks. It would not all surprise me if one who has been abused could enjoy being dominant. Seems to me as long as you avoid criminal behaviors and those who are important to you are OK, have at it.

nfrrdscnnr1 said:

All humans have an ability to enjoy a wide variety of behaviors. It seems to me that those of us who were abused often have the ability to go beyond what others consider "normal" for their kicks. It would not all surprise me if one who has been abused could enjoy being dominant. Seems to me as long as you avoid criminal behaviors and those who are important to you are OK, have at it.

Click to expand...

It isn't really about abusive pasts or not, I don't think.

There is a capacity in many people to go beyond. If we have that, it becomes one of the tools we use to deal with life-- whatever life gives us. You'll meet a lot of those people here because here is where that kind of person comes to hang out.

It's only about abusive pasts (for me) in that my abusive past leads me to be afraid of being dominant to someone else.

Miss Karenna,

I just wanted to ask you to consider exploring with your husband not someone else, and to let you know that what you're feeling is all right. I just recently figured out that I too have a dom side. It's scary. I've always been a sub, hell I just found out I do qualify as bi. Here's the thing though, and I'm incredibly lucky to have someone like my fiancee to guide me: BDSM doesn't have to be all "shut up slut" and "whip his dick" kind of shit. When I got into this world oh not too long ago, I was confused as hell. Even about what a dom is. One ass hole even tried having me listen to dog porn audio to humiliate me (didn't work) but it does work apparently with others. I even went with a stranger one night and let him tie me up. Thankfully, he didn't abuse that privilege because looking back I cringe. That could've been my last night on earth! When I met my fiancee he started exploring with me, all my sides. And that's when we figured out I am mostly sub and some dom. The dom side still scares me, but it's powerful and fun. Lucky for me he's a switch too Every part of my sexual relationship with my dom is unbelievably loving, it's just that we expand on my feelings of wanting to be owned or his feelings of wanting to be controlled. I think that if you posed the idea to your husband that you don't want to explore with anyone but him, and you two get into it together with love on the mind, it'll be all right and will build up your relationship to a new level. He will like it. You just gotta show him why, and that he doesn't have to be abusive to be your Master. Maybe write a story for him of what you'd do for him as his Mistress, see if he likes the feelings you give him? You don't have to be sadistic, I am by default and I temper that because I have a background the same as you. I don't indulge in feelings that aren't healthy for me.
Just a few ramblings from someone such as yourself

My lil secret, a word to the wise: Karenna did NOT ask for marriage advice.

If you had actually read what she posted, you would have known that she has already talked to her husband and had come to her own conclusions, and none of us have any right to tell her different-- we are not there, you see.

I love it that your heart is in the right place-- if you stick around here I think you'll have a lot to contribute. But-- and this is a mistake everyone makes unless they pay attention-- it's really easy and really unproductive, to give advice that people don't ask for.

My lil secret... thank you for the thoughts, but, well, Stella pretty much said it. (Thank you, Stella!) I have considered exploring with my husband. He is not willing to do so. I think he would be more willing to allow me to explore with someone else than to do it himself.

While I want to explore my own sexuality (never having had the chance to do so previously), I do not want to push him to "explore" things in which he has no interest or that make him uncomfortable. That wouldn't be fair or right. I've had it done to me, been pushed into things that made me feel awful, and I would rather never learn about these aspects of myself than persuade my husband to do something he doesn't want to do.

"You just gotta show him why"... I know you didn't mean it this way, but to me that says, "Oh, just keep pushing even though he's saying no, and eventually he'll give in even if he doesn't want to." Again, I know that isn't how you meant it. But I have *told* him why I feel the way I feel, and although he is supportive and accepting of my feelings, he is not open to joining in on them. Continuing to push him on the subject will *hurt* our marriage, not help it.

My lil secret, I'm glad you've found someone compatible with whom you can explore. It sounds like you and he have a very good, very open-minded relationship.

Oh, and just caught the "write him a story" part... My husband refuses to read my stories. He says he doesn't want to hurt my feelings if he doesn't like them. (Besides, at this point in my writing career, I write primarily male/male romance... I could write a Male Dom/male sub story, but not Domme/sub. The writing part of my brain doesn't work that way.)

Hm.

a)
Well, if a guy would have asked if he should start something with his female coworker, most would have said that it's a bad idea. For some strange reason nobody said so in this case, so let me be the party pooper. Don't start something with a coworker, especially not when he is also the coworker of your husband. Especially not when it's about stuff that makes you both susceptible to blackmail.

b)
Submissive males are (in my humble opinion) often...a huge emotional drain, if you lack the necessary emotional distance for such a relationship. In my opion you should not get your dominant feet wet with someone you like.