AlwaysHungry
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I nominate Todski for this one ("A Little Like LSD").
Double Blind 4 - Poems and Critiques Only
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legerdemer
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(I lost my first round of comments to the net rats, here's my second attempt...)
Lovely poem that sucks you right in.
But...
I would suggest the first stanza is unnecessary, given the title, and slows down that sucking in sensation which I think is so important to this one. I'd delete it.
bekoning -> beckoning
Some rewording suggestions for this following stanzas, again going for greater immediacy:
we are lycanthropic
and vampiric
sustained by aura
and passion
feeding off sensation
striving to be lost in those little deaths
...
she shows me there are no limits to
pleasure
A lovely, visceral trip with a beautiful landing...
greenmountaineer
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Me too.
Never having taken the stuff myself, it was still the preferred taboo of my generation. Perhaps for that reason, the poem was very evocative for me.
In that regard, I'm thinking "spatially" as in "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds" where we go far out only to have to come back in. I'd write some long lines to almost the length of the linear page, only to come back in with a short line; for example,
the sky is starry night blackswirlsintoblue white light beacons burning pyres of
sanity's flames
I might even add some short gibberish as I did in the joining of words the reader would still understand, keeping in mind it is visual, not aural. So I wouldn't change that if I preferred reciting over reading.
AlwaysHungry
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I tried to google "gelcoe power" and came up empty handed. I am mystified by that one.
I guess whoever wrote this mispelled gelcoe instead of
Jelcoe, moght make a bit of a difference on google
AlwaysHungry
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Last edited:
greenmountaineer
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I have mixed feelings about Mer's suggestion to delete the first stanza. Given the title, she makes a valid point, but at the very least, "the party in my mouth spreads.." is a great opening line if the others are deleted.
I would delete the last two lines of
"her jacket feels like sex on my finger tips
like my hand is having an orgy on
ripples of fabric"
In large part because I think
"her jacket feels like sex on my fingertips
and there's a dragon between her teeth"
packs a powerful 1-2 punch as a couplet.
Although I'd keep the simile in the first line above, I thought there were a few too many "likes" in the poem and would suggest the poet re-configure some into metaphors, if possbible.
A minor point to some perhaps, but not to editors, "it's coal" should be "its coal."
I would downplay "soft lips." The image of softness didn't work for me with the dragon between her teeth, and the sex is primal, almost feral.
The "of" in "feeding off of sensation" seems unncessary.
"primordial" is misspelled.
All in all, a very evocative poem. I really enjoyed reading it.
I would delete the last two lines of
"her jacket feels like sex on my finger tips
like my hand is having an orgy on
ripples of fabric"
In large part because I think
"her jacket feels like sex on my fingertips
and there's a dragon between her teeth"
packs a powerful 1-2 punch as a couplet.
Although I'd keep the simile in the first line above, I thought there were a few too many "likes" in the poem and would suggest the poet re-configure some into metaphors, if possbible.
A minor point to some perhaps, but not to editors, "it's coal" should be "its coal."
I would downplay "soft lips." The image of softness didn't work for me with the dragon between her teeth, and the sex is primal, almost feral.
The "of" in "feeding off of sensation" seems unncessary.
"primordial" is misspelled.
All in all, a very evocative poem. I really enjoyed reading it.
legerdemer
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I also like the line in the first stanza about "the taste of licking batteries" a lot - that line on its own conveys so well the electricity of the moment(s). Perhaps the poet (yea, Tods) could save both of those.
And I like gm's further suggestions about the third stanza - shortening it would again pack a bigger punch.
(Although I had one acid dropping experience in my day, it was completely forgettable (too little? Too weak?). The experience that remains indelible is taking mescaline during a canyon hike in the southwest a long, long time ago. Amazing sensory experience! I tried to convey some of that in a past story, long ago deleted and lost. Perhaps I'll try again in poetry.)
Lyricalli
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DB4-5: Another Icarus? - legerdemer
Another Icarus?
Weaver of words, of sentences
with colors spare, vivid and sure
on a thorned loom, its warp weighted with
impossible dreams
……………………..roped in hemp,
….fraying yet sturdy.
Weave your weft of aspirations
from spiderweb silk
….reach higher
………..borne by air currents
..skywards
…………..with eagles and ospreys
until, nearing that flaming orb
feathers singed by wistfulness
….you plunge
Down
Another Icarus
Laden with lacunae and paucities,
……. with untouchable milestones
flagellant upon your own
…blindness
Perfection is too cold
…soulless—
…….tone deaf,
………..it leaves you mute
but your weavings are too beautiful,
…..too warm, throbbing
……..translucent with meaning
transcendent with insight
…the imperfections left
barely visible
but so you
full of hope
…….of yearning
of lust
….indelible
…….burbling with need
to share
Leave gravity behind,
grasp eagles’ wings and
…….…….…….…….……..……..soar!
Another Icarus?
Weaver of words, of sentences
with colors spare, vivid and sure
on a thorned loom, its warp weighted with
impossible dreams
……………………..roped in hemp,
….fraying yet sturdy.
Weave your weft of aspirations
from spiderweb silk
….reach higher
………..borne by air currents
..skywards
…………..with eagles and ospreys
until, nearing that flaming orb
feathers singed by wistfulness
….you plunge
Down
Another Icarus
Laden with lacunae and paucities,
……. with untouchable milestones
flagellant upon your own
…blindness
Perfection is too cold
…soulless—
…….tone deaf,
………..it leaves you mute
but your weavings are too beautiful,
…..too warm, throbbing
……..translucent with meaning
transcendent with insight
…the imperfections left
barely visible
but so you
full of hope
…….of yearning
of lust
….indelible
…….burbling with need
to share
Leave gravity behind,
grasp eagles’ wings and
…….…….…….…….……..……..soar!
Last edited:
AlwaysHungry
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I know who wrote this one.
Magnetron
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Two buts don't make a right.
And honestly, the staggered wording effect adds nothing. It is more of a distraction than anything. I actually find myself questioning why this line is staggered differently from that line and so on.
I know other authors who do it and it's the same. Doesn't enhance their writing one single bit.
It can be effective with an indented word here and a staggered line there, but but do it too often and the "special effect" becomes no longer special.
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legerdemer
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Piscator
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and if reading while driving - fines may ensue
greenmountaineer
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The poet right off contrasts her narrative with the highly suggestive title. I liked the way she did that. It peaked my interest about whatever was coming next.
Because the myth is so well known, "flaming orb" felt like a cliché to me. I think there's a better way to suggest reach exceeding grasp, or keeping the line without "nearing that flaming orb" sounds better to me.
"Perfection is too cold" seemed odd to me, given the sun and melting wax, although it is an important seguay to the poem's conclusion which, pun unintended, I found to be uplfting.
I thought some about Mag's comment. Although I didn't find the short staggered lines as distracting as he did, I do agree with his point about too much of a good thing. I didn't see point of it with some lines. I'd pare it back a little. For example,
"you plunge
Down
Another Icarus"
is very effective IMO.
I could be wrong here, but I think "less is more" in that it gives greater focus to those short lines that remain.
To repeat, I really liked the spirit of the ending and, for that matter, the whole poem worked well towards that conclusion.
Because the myth is so well known, "flaming orb" felt like a cliché to me. I think there's a better way to suggest reach exceeding grasp, or keeping the line without "nearing that flaming orb" sounds better to me.
"Perfection is too cold" seemed odd to me, given the sun and melting wax, although it is an important seguay to the poem's conclusion which, pun unintended, I found to be uplfting.
I thought some about Mag's comment. Although I didn't find the short staggered lines as distracting as he did, I do agree with his point about too much of a good thing. I didn't see point of it with some lines. I'd pare it back a little. For example,
"you plunge
Down
Another Icarus"
is very effective IMO.
I could be wrong here, but I think "less is more" in that it gives greater focus to those short lines that remain.
To repeat, I really liked the spirit of the ending and, for that matter, the whole poem worked well towards that conclusion.
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Lyricalli
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DB4-6: Timeless - greenmountaineer
Timeless
Let's not talk of time, My Love,
the mind's phantasm.
When I am inside you,
there is no time.
The earth is flat.
Sun up, sun down,
it goes around the planet.
Though abecedarians
we may be,
this is our role,
what the brain was wired to be
before we were told
to be saintly.
Come to bed, eternity.
Timeless
Let's not talk of time, My Love,
the mind's phantasm.
When I am inside you,
there is no time.
The earth is flat.
Sun up, sun down,
it goes around the planet.
Though abecedarians
we may be,
this is our role,
what the brain was wired to be
before we were told
to be saintly.
Come to bed, eternity.
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Magnetron
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KatieJones
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It sounds like the narrator of the poem is saying society has made sex complicated with rules and perhaps religion when in fact it is a natural act. And that when he/she shares this act with their new partner they feel like time stops. 
... use of phantasm makes sense when you stop seeing imaginary periods.
... use of phantasm makes sense when you stop seeing imaginary periods.
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AlwaysHungry
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I think that the word "phantasm" is being used to describe the concept of time.
KatieJones
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Ah, you're right! I assumed there was a period before My because of the capitalization. My bad.
Magnetron
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That's all I did grasp.
greenmountaineer
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There's something to be said for simple love poems. The words in "Timeless" are simple, except for "abecedarians," which ironically means one learning simple abc's. It felt out of place to me for that reason.
I think the second stanza was intended to suggest everything but love is an illusion, only love is eternal, and the act of love gives us a glimpse of that if we keep it simple. That being the case, it needs more to bring that idea into sharper focus.
I think the second stanza was intended to suggest everything but love is an illusion, only love is eternal, and the act of love gives us a glimpse of that if we keep it simple. That being the case, it needs more to bring that idea into sharper focus.
The problem I have with this piece is my own vocabulay did not match up with the writing, I had to keep looking up words then starting the read again, ok it makes it non-cliched for the most part, and I've no isssue with looking for the odd word if I can garner its general meaning within the context of the poem,
However multiple words that had to be looked up during the course of the read before proceeding kinda killed the write for me.
I can see the use of staggered lines as an attempt to induce a free fall as icarus fell, during the course of the write, and the end contrast of fligh was planned out well.
But to free fall words I think it need to be simpler and well worded with clever end of lines to keep a reader chasing the words down the page.
I think the poem has wonderful bones
But I stress
FOR ME only, the over extension into rarely used wording and phrases was dipped into, too often to keep my mind where it needs to be to focus on the write.
(I wish I was smarter so I could enjoy the write
)
Magnetron
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I *eventually* deduced that this could be the reasoning for the staggering.
Not only simpler, but such would likely benefit more from the poem being centered on the page.
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