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A Cheater's Regret

Hi J_Bonham, I just read through both parts of your story. I will first say that this is not my normal category, and I expected to not like what I would be reading. I was wrong. This brought up that small side of me that I have never explored. The stories were believable, the character's struggle, fear, and passion was full on real. You did a great job letting us see all sides of her. Part 1 I only saw a few errors, part 2 there was quite a bit more. None of them were distracting from the reading, but they were there and noticeable. There are people who volunteer as editors on here. You can find them on the forum. You definitely have talent and should continue writing. Good job :rose:
 
Both read like reports for your probation officer.
 
So... LeaHarvey was quite laudatory. I'm afraid I can't be. No offense.

I couldn't get past the second paragraph before the grammar, usage, and other issues became too much of a distraction.

You need an editor.

Your first sentence is missing an article. In the last sentence of the first paragraph, it should say 'plain', not 'pain'.

In your first paragraph, you say there are several other people there, but in the very next one, you say her only company are fish. Which is it?

I don't mean to be overly critical, but at that point, you lost me. As a reader, I have to stop.

You may have a great concept, but it's just not ready for prime time.

Get yourself an editor to help with proofing and copy editing and I'm sure you'll have yourself a much better story.

Good luck!
 
monoblanco said:
So... LeaHarvey was quite laudatory. I'm afraid I can't be. No offense.

I couldn't get past the second paragraph before the grammar, usage, and other issues became too much of a distraction.

You need an editor.

Your first sentence is missing an article. In the last sentence of the first paragraph, it should say 'plain', not 'pain'.

In your first paragraph, you say there are several other people there, but in the very next one, you say her only company are fish. Which is it?

I don't mean to be overly critical, but at that point, you lost me. As a reader, I have to stop.

You may have a great concept, but it's just not ready for prime time.

Get yourself an editor to help with proofing and copy editing and I'm sure you'll have yourself a much better story.

Good luck!
Click to expand...

Hence why at work we never publish a story without first running it past one or preferably two other people first - your eye sees what it wants to see, not necessarily what is actually there.

Great feedback on all points, thanks!
 
I tremble with anticipation in the bleak waiting room. There are others here, including a red-haired girl from school, but I feel alone. Alone and unprotected. The silence is broken only by the deafening tick tock of the clock on the bare white wall.

Aching from the hard metal chair, I shift my legs nervously under my skirt. A few feet from me, Tropical fish swim contentedly in an aquarium beside a shedding plastic Christmas tree. Generic holiday decorations break the monotony of the walls. (quotes or italics needed here)Geez, Christmas break is a month away but mindless decorating and advertising are already in full swing. Magazines stacked on a small table seem to have been there since the Jurassic period. I glance at my phone. No reception. I nervously fidget with a few loose strands of my hair. A few weeks ago I was celebrating Thanksgiving with my family, not a care in the world. Now this.

Don't fill every sentence with useless words. Don't qualify everything. Don't tell us you feel nervous, be nervous.

Don't stand (up) sit (down) look (down), unless the geography is important. Obviously you didn't stand (down) or sit (up). You do not have to tell us that the clock is hanging (on the wall) we assume it isn't hanging(on the floor). Frankly, I could not get to the story by swimming through the verbiage.

Learn the difference between an indefinite article and a definite article. A book or The book.
 
Last edited:
robertreams said:
I tremble with anticipation in the bleak waiting room. There are others here, including a red-haired girl from school, but I feel alone. Alone and unprotected. The silence is broken only by the deafening tick tock of the clock on the bare white wall.

Aching from the hard metal chair, I shift my legs nervously under my skirt. A few feet from me, Tropical fish swim contentedly in an aquarium beside a shedding plastic Christmas tree. Generic holiday decorations break the monotony of the walls. (quotes or italics needed here)Geez, Christmas break is a month away but mindless decorating and advertising are already in full swing. Magazines stacked on a small table seem to have been there since the Jurassic period. I glance at my phone. No reception. I nervously fidget with a few loose strands of my hair. A few weeks ago I was celebrating Thanksgiving with my family, not a care in the world. Now this.

Don't fill every sentence with useless words. Don't qualify everything. Don't tell us you feel nervous, be nervous.

Don't stand (up) sit (down) look (down), unless the geography is important. Obviously you didn't stand (down) or sit (up). You do not have to tell us that the clock is hanging (on the wall) we assume it isn't hanging(on the floor). Frankly, I could not get to the story by swimming through the verbiage.

Learn the difference between an indefinite article and a definite article. A book or The book.
Click to expand...

Great feedback! Useless descriptors and commas is a personal weakness of mine
 
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