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Old 04-13-2018, 04:35 PM   #1
Emirus
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Talk to me. Please!!

My first story was recently published. Itís called Cherry 🍒 and itís in the T & C category. At the time of writing it has had nearly 5000 views in 7 days, quite a lot of votes, but only two comments. I asked for constructive comments to help me improve and one person did this but the other person just said that they considered it was in the wrong category and apparently gave it 3⭐️ because of that.

I really do want to know peoples opinions about it, good or bad, because I donít want to be an ok writer I want to be a very good one. So if anyone on here would like to give me their constructive opinion, even anonymously, I would be very grateful.
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Old 04-13-2018, 04:56 PM   #2
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You may wish to provide a link to your story.
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Old 04-13-2018, 05:45 PM   #3
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Cherry

https://www.literotica.com/s/cherry-20
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Old 04-13-2018, 07:14 PM   #4
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It's also non-con.

You need to tell people that, before inviting commentary in the feedback forum.

And because of that, for me, it was a distasteful little story, demeaning, ugly, a turn off, an extremely unpleasant protagonist. I skimmed through to the end to make sure it had the site's obligatory "but the victim must eventually like it" trope - which unfortunately it did. I didn't score it, and now need a shower to wash my mind of it.

Oh, and don't rely on spell check. 'Passed' and 'past' have two quite different meanings, I suspect there are more errors like that, but once I realised it was celebrating rape and ending with a blackmail set-up, well, one doesn't care much about spelling any more.

Learn better punctuation.

Your dialogue is stilted and unnatural.

You characters have no motivation.

There! You begged for attention. Be careful what you ask for; and next time, fucking tell people it's non-con first, okay?
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Old 04-13-2018, 07:45 PM   #5
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Originally Posted by Emirus View Post
The intro part ď I discovered Literotica 4 years agoĒ before your story begins kinda feels like it belongs in your profile instead of in a story you are trying to share with the readers out there. The site provides a link at the top of your story so readers can checkout your information about you.

Initially, you mentioned ďShemaleĒ. Iím not going to get into specifics because I am an openly, identifying Transvestite.

The term ďShemaleĒ to me invokes thoughts of the ďporn industryĒ and/or sex workers. I canít relate to it in the least, but thatís me. Iím not saying your story isnít potentially great, just that it isnít reaching me as a target reader. It may have a different meaning for others, but itís an immediate turn off to finish reading your story for me, honestly.

There are other words that have interchangeablity here: Transgender, Transexual, T-girl, T-gurl, sissy, faggot, Transvestite, femboy, Drag Queen, Cross dresser, Trans, etc. All of them have certain people that pick up on the word choice and usage in a story. Iím guilty of it.

When you submit stories, keep in mind the type of audience you are trying to attract as readers. For the most part, if you stick around long enough submitting stories, your fan base will generally reflect this fact in some ways.
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Old 04-13-2018, 08:09 PM   #6
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Originally Posted by electricblue66 View Post
It's also non-con.

You need to tell people that, before inviting commentary in the feedback forum.
Thank you for that. I won't be reading it then.
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Old 04-13-2018, 08:22 PM   #7
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I won't address the content, because it's not the sort of thing I am interested in reading, but I'd be happy to share some comments about the writing.

First of all, as the commenter noted, you need to improve your punctuation. I found this essay to be of great help, perhaps you would as well: How to Punctuate Like a Pro.

Learning proper punctuation is easy, it's just a matter of memorizing a few rules.

I think the word I would use to describe your writing is "undisciplined". I think you would do well to tighten up your style, make it a bit leaner and more direct.

"He would also be wanting to get inside" reads better as "He would want to get inside"

"with a gesture of her hand, invited him in" could be "she gestured for him to come in". We know she gestured with his hand, you don't need to tell us that.

"He stuttered a little and then mumbled" That made me wonder just how one would discern when the stuttering stopped and the mumbling began.

You told the story, and are getting a decent response. But I think you could take a little more care and become a much better writer. If I could make a suggestion, read your story outlaid when you've finished it. How does it sound? Do the sentences flow smoothly? Are you using words repetitiously? Is the dialogue natural?

I see the makings of a good writer in your story. But if you want to bea good writer, you need to discipline yourself. Good luck!
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Old 04-14-2018, 02:21 AM   #8
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Originally Posted by Kantarii View Post
The intro part ď I discovered Literotica 4 years agoĒ before your story begins kinda feels like it belongs in your profile instead of in a story you are trying to share with the readers out there. The site provides a link at the top of your story so readers can checkout your information about you.

Initially, you mentioned ďShemaleĒ. Iím not going to get into specifics because I am an openly, identifying Transvestite.

The term ďShemaleĒ to me invokes thoughts of the ďporn industryĒ and/or sex workers. I canít relate to it in the least, but thatís me. Iím not saying your story isnít potentially great, just that it isnít reaching me as a target reader. It may have a different meaning for others, but itís an immediate turn off to finish reading your story for me, honestly.

There are other words that have interchangeablity here: Transgender, Transexual, T-girl, T-gurl, sissy, faggot, Transvestite, femboy, Drag Queen, Cross dresser, Trans, etc. All of them have certain people that pick up on the word choice and usage in a story. Iím guilty of it.

When you submit stories, keep in mind the type of audience you are trying to attract as readers. For the most part, if you stick around long enough submitting stories, your fan base will generally reflect this fact in some ways.
Thank you for taking the time to respond and for your helpful advice all of which I have taken into account. It was not my intention to insult anyone and if I have then I apologise. I did think for a long time about how to address her character and even after deciding on shemale was still uncertain. I have another (unfinished) transexual and male story that has an entirely different plot built around two people that want to be together and had no intention of using the word shemale in that story even before reading your comments.

I think that youíve made an important point about keeping in mind the type of audience Iím trying to attract and itís something I had never previously considered. I do enjoy reading stories in different categories and intend writing stories for readers with different interests and will definitely take that advice into account.

Transvestism has no interest for me and transsexual relationships only in my fantasies. I have never, to my knowledge, ever met anyone who is transsexual but have met several people who are transvestites and again, to the best of my knowledge, have never been insulting in my behaviour towards anyone nor would I want to be. I hope that statement has come across as I intended.

I would never normally read a transvestite story but because of your response Iíve just read all three chapters of Best Friends Forever. I found it very interesting as a story about two close friends one of whom happened to be a transvestite and it also has a plot that would seem to indicate several more chapters. I doubt that I will return to it but am glad I read it as it did make me think.

Thank you again for your comments.
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Old 04-14-2018, 02:44 AM   #9
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Originally Posted by MelissaBaby View Post
I won't address the content, because it's not the sort of thing I am interested in reading, but I'd be happy to share some comments about the writing.

I think the word I would use to describe your writing is "undisciplined". I think you would do well to tighten up your style, make it a bit leaner and more direct.

I see the makings of a good writer in your story. But if you want to bea good writer, you need to discipline yourself. Good luck!
I havenít quoted all your comment but I have taken in every word of advice you have written. Iíve looked at your stories and realise why you stated that itís not the sort of thing you are interested in reading and therefore appreciate even more that youíve taken the time to give me some constructive advice.

There are several very different categories of stories Iím interested in reading but I must admit Iíve just skipped over Novels and Novella. But I have just read the first chapter of My Fall and Rise and, particularly as you have now concluded the story, intend to binge read it all.
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Old 04-14-2018, 02:48 AM   #10
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Originally Posted by DaddysLilLolly View Post
Thank you for that. I won't be reading it then.
So because someone else posted that, in their opinion, my story was in the wrong category you didnít bother to read it but still felt the need to comment?
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Old 04-14-2018, 03:10 AM   #11
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Originally Posted by electricblue66 View Post
It's also non-con.

You need to tell people that, before inviting commentary in the feedback forum.

There! You begged for attention. Be careful what you ask for; and next time, fucking tell people it's non-con first, okay?
It would be very easy to dismiss your comments as the those of a person with a personal dislike of myself but weíve never met so that canít be right. Perhaps itís the content of the story you find unsettling because it is different from the stories you write? But I have read your comments and I will take them into account as I will with all other comments.

I wasnít sure which of the two categories to put it in and, according to you, I chose the wrong one. That has really nothing to do with me asking for CONSTRUCTIVE criticism of my story. If you think I ďbegged for attentionĒ then you obviously didnít read my request correctly.

All your comment was aggressive but particularly your last paragraph. Why did you feel it necessary to use such language? Is that the way you usually speak in your private/public life? Itís a good thing that I have a thick skin as regards people like yourself because I think that many aspiring writers would give up after you commenting on their efforts.

There was an anonymous comment at the end of my story very much like yours but it canít have been you because the writer apparently gave it 3⭐️
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Old 04-14-2018, 04:33 AM   #12
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I wrote quite a comprehensive comment but I have been having "spinning circle" issues on this site for a fortnight, when I tried to post it,guess what?
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Old 04-14-2018, 05:41 AM   #13
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Originally Posted by suboots View Post
I wrote quite a comprehensive comment but I have been having "spinning circle" issues on this site for a fortnight, when I tried to post it,guess what?
You wonít be surprised to hear that I would value your opinion. Preferably posted on here but if not you could always send it to me direct. Thanks for responding 👍.
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Old 04-14-2018, 06:07 AM   #14
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Thank you for that. I won't be reading it then.
Oh, please. Your AV is a woman in bondage and its not like we don't know who you used to be.
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Old 04-14-2018, 06:10 AM   #15
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I wrote quite a comprehensive comment but I have been having "spinning circle" issues on this site for a fortnight, when I tried to post it,guess what?
You should post this in the tech forum.

Not that anything will ever be done about it, but at least others are aware its yet another issue.
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Old 04-14-2018, 06:59 AM   #16
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Originally Posted by Emirus View Post
I havenít quoted all your comment but I have taken in every word of advice you have written. Iíve looked at your stories and realise why you stated that itís not the sort of thing you are interested in reading and therefore appreciate even more that youíve taken the time to give me some constructive advice.

There are several very different categories of stories Iím interested in reading but I must admit Iíve just skipped over Novels and Novella. But I have just read the first chapter of My Fall and Rise and, particularly as you have now concluded the story, intend to binge read it all.
Many people on these forums have been kind and offered me helpful advice. I am happy to do so for others.

I hope you enjoy my writing.
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Old 04-14-2018, 07:53 AM   #17
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Thank you for taking the time to respond and for your helpful advice all of which I have taken into account. It was not my intention to insult anyone and if I have then I apologise. I did think for a long time about how to address her character and even after deciding on shemale was still uncertain. I have another (unfinished) transexual and male story that has an entirely different plot built around two people that want to be together and had no intention of using the word shemale in that story even before reading your comments.

I think that youíve made an important point about keeping in mind the type of audience Iím trying to attract and itís something I had never previously considered. I do enjoy reading stories in different categories and intend writing stories for readers with different interests and will definitely take that advice into account.

Transvestism has no interest for me and transsexual relationships only in my fantasies. I have never, to my knowledge, ever met anyone who is transsexual but have met several people who are transvestites and again, to the best of my knowledge, have never been insulting in my behaviour towards anyone nor would I want to be. I hope that statement has come across as I intended.

I would never normally read a transvestite story but because of your response Iíve just read all three chapters of Best Friends Forever. I found it very interesting as a story about two close friends one of whom happened to be a transvestite and it also has a plot that would seem to indicate several more chapters. I doubt that I will return to it but am glad I read it as it did make me think.

Thank you again for your comments.
I invest a lot of time in scripting out a plot and humanizing the characters I create. The storyline isnít complete yet as Chapter 4 posted today. All my stories contain TG/TV/TS/CD characters because they are colorful additions to the stories I choose to write. They arenít for everyone as most are drawn off my real world experiences and neednít delve into the world of ďfantasyĒ.

If it took only three chapters to make you think, then I have succeeded as a writer. I want my readers to think, to analyze what Iím writing, to take a hard look at things that have shaped me into the person I am - to see I am a human being, too. Then, maybe, they will understand me on some small level.
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I AM FANTASY!
I am the shadows in your mind ... The gateway to your fantasies...
I am your dreams made reality ... And, the lust in your eyes...
♫♪ But, what's puzzling you is the nature of my game! ♪♫
*****************************************************************
Do T-girls & Transvestites Interest You? Checkout my Stories.

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Old 04-14-2018, 12:42 PM   #18
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So because someone else posted that, in their opinion, my story was in the wrong category you didnít bother to read it but still felt the need to comment?
I choose not to read your story because it is a rape tale.
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Old 04-14-2018, 12:43 PM   #19
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Oh, please. Your AV is a woman in bondage and its not like we don't know who you used to be.
BDSM and rape are not the same thing.


You know who I am, huh? You don't know me at all.
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Old 04-14-2018, 02:42 PM   #20
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You know who I am, huh? You don't know me at all.
You mean other than you being the recently "departed" Mod, EquinoxRising, in which garb you, for a time, would double post in yet another alt, agreeing with yourself as Mod, and slamming other posters--all on the same thread? Not knowing that you?

On the OP story, I looked at the thread because I have an "irritation" with comments that the reader has to like the protagonist (or any of the other characters). That's pretty shallow reading, I think.

In this one, though, I agree that noncom is more of a dominant category and that deeper study of grammar before submitting would be helpful. A lot of issues with commas, direct address, quotation punctuation, gerund clause ("ing") punctuation, homonyms, etc. I didn't read far into it, because it did get "hmmm," but I look for stories with complex, and even unlikable and dominating, characters rather than running away from stories on that issue alone.
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Old 04-14-2018, 03:45 PM   #21
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In this one, though, I agree that noncom is more of a dominant category and that deeper study of grammar before submitting would be helpful. A lot of issues with commas, direct address, quotation punctuation, gerund clause ("ing") punctuation, homonyms, etc. I didn't read far into it, because it did get "hmmm," but I look for stories with complex, and even unlikable and dominating, characters rather than running away from stories on that issue alone.
Thank you for your comments. Others have brought up grammatical errors and Iíll take your comments into consideration along with them.

When you say ďI didnít read far into it, because it did get ďhmmmĒ did you mean that you didnít read the entire story? I also donít know what you mean by ďhmmm.Ē You say ďI look for stories.....that issue aloneĒí and that sentence also has me confused.

I have several stories covering 4 different categories at various stages of writing and chose to submit Cherry specifically because it was the shortest and a simple plot.
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Old 04-14-2018, 04:28 PM   #22
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Thank you for your comments. Others have brought up grammatical errors and Iíll take your comments into consideration along with them.

When you say ďI didnít read far into it, because it did get ďhmmmĒ did you mean that you didnít read the entire story? I also donít know what you mean by ďhmmm.Ē You say ďI look for stories.....that issue aloneĒí and that sentence also has me confused.

I have several stories covering 4 different categories at various stages of writing and chose to submit Cherry specifically because it was the shortest and a simple plot.
By "hmmm," I meant it had lost eroticism for me. I can hold with noncon, but not so much with "no longer erotic" on Literotica. Pain and/or humiliation without arousal don't do it for me. That's not a reason why anyone shouldn't post such stories here, though. There are other readers who will like it.

On what I look for in characters in a story, I have no requirement to "like" them and don't urge writers to fall into the trap of assuming they can only write likable characters here--just because time and again commenters on the board cite "don't like the character" as a total negative. I look for characters who are interesting, complex, and who are developed well. Unlikable characters can just as easily hit my buttons as likable ones can. In fact, I have a little resistance to saccharine in a story. Your story, outside the grammar issues, could, I think, have maintained both its simplicity and complexity by better use of eroticism--and that has nothing to do with whether the protagonist was "likable" (for me).
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Old 04-14-2018, 04:47 PM   #23
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It's stroke and it's geared to a very particular sort of audience (and your intended audience is very clear by your story's short description which appears on the T&C page). From what I've noticed on Literotica stories like these tend to get more likes and views, but score lower.

If it's what you like, and you enjoy writing and sharing with the world, keep writing it. 'Your people' will find you. Author's Hangout draws writers from all different categories and precious few of us ever seem to write pure wank material and not many of us are BDSM or T&C authors, so we will not be a good representative view of your readers.
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Old 04-14-2018, 04:49 PM   #24
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By "hmmm," I meant it had lost eroticism for me. I can hold with noncon, but not so much with "no longer erotic" on Literotica.........Your story, outside the grammar issues, could, I think, have maintained both its simplicity and complexity by better use of eroticism--and that has nothing to do with whether the protagonist was "likable" (for me).
Thanks for the explanation. Definitely a point Iíll take into consideration in the future.
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Old 04-16-2018, 02:37 PM   #25
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The term ďShemaleĒ to me invokes thoughts of the ďporn industryĒ and/or sex r me, honestly.
Anecdote time! And may God have mercy upon you all.

I was walking home from school in the 8th grade when I chanced upon a brightly colored pamphlet upon the sidewalk. Glancing at it revealed unto me a naked boob. After about an hour agonizing over how to pick up the pamphlet without fainting from a shame attack, I absconded with the treasure.

Turns out it was an advertisement for pornographic magazines of, shall we say, rarified content. Please note that the closest I had come to anything even remotely trans at that point was the character Klinger on MASH.

That pamphlet was the first time I saw the term ďshemaleĒ and images of people purporting to be shemales. There was also a sample of Hermaphrodite Magazine, and Monster Cock Magazine, that featured a rotund man with a deformed penis about the size of a Folgers Coffee can. The last section of the pamphlet featured BDSM and fetish outfit stuff. What stuck in my mind, though, was a fetish model with a feminized face of Mick Jagger and wearing a full body rubber suit, named ATROCITY. (That was the fetish modelís name, not the suitís.)

But thatís not what the anecdote is about. Itís about playing the Shadowrun (pen & paper) RPG in college.

So I was playing a elf Suburban Shaman and who was trying to schmooze in a nightclub (the dance music consisted of a Jumbotron screen of a black army boot stomping on a muddy face over and over). Anyway, I hoped to find an interesting contact etc., so I rolled my characterís social skill, and failed spectacularly in a game where such skill failures can be lethal.

Well, if I was going down by fatally screwing up schmoozing in a nightclub, I was going to go spectacularly. So, ad libbing maniacally, I clasp my hands to my bosom and croon: Ah, Atrocity, there you are!

We skipped the details but my dumb elf was found the next day with temporary retrograde amnesia and a little soul damage.

The GM took Atrocity and ran with her. She became an occasional background character and one day our dumb heroes were tricked into stealing the master production file for ATROCITY 8, which apparently would have made manyeyedhydra say, ďGuys, there are such things as limits.Ē

I never explained that Atrocity was an actual person, nor did I ask if the GM in fact knew this without prompting.
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