a few of mine, diversity and regrets included
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butters
High on a Hill
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the importance of silence
she understood
without words
without looks
the swollen muscle inside her chest
pressed
against constriction of slick rib
the thinnest breath
crept
from nostrils while she
willed the submarine thrums to
stop
behind the door
she understood
the importance of silence
she understood
without words
without looks
the swollen muscle inside her chest
pressed
against constriction of slick rib
the thinnest breath
crept
from nostrils while she
willed the submarine thrums to
stop
behind the door
she understood
the importance of silence
Palba_Noruda
Literotica Guru
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butters
High on a Hill
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thanks for reading and taking the time to comment, pab
do you think i could get away with changing 'constriction' to 'constrict'?
swollen muscle inside her chest
pressed
against constrict of slick rib
vrosej10
Questioning your sanity??
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I love the near rhyme of pressed/crept and the fact those two words are enjmabed identically. Something about the placement of the line in red bothers me but I couldn't tell you why; I think it might be that it is singled out. There is something breathless about this poem that is very appealing.
fridayam
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I adore this, Chip: it feels like an epic novel compresssed into so few words. I would keep "constriction"--"constrict" feels strangely tongue-twistery in the context, though I've no idea why. x
twelveoone
ground zero
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If you ask me it looks like a chipbuddy-senna jawa collaboration
rollin' through the boneyard
laughin' all the way
ah, thanks corndog, I was under the impression the only thing people could learn from me were bad habits
applies 90% IMAGINATION TO chipbuddy-senna jawa collaboration
all you have to do is know 15 different languages and not be fluent in any of 'em epeciarry engrish
poetry comes natural
matsukaze mon amour
twelveoone
ground zero
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probablythanks for reading and taking the time to comment, pab
do you think i could get away with changing 'constriction' to 'constrict'?
swollen muscle inside her chest
pressed
against constrict of slick rib
it bounces against
importance
nicely
to I would question as enjambment
butters
High on a Hill
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thanks, vrose, for your thinking... i will look at that again. i was hoping to suggest the trying hard to stop the noisy pulse, to make a sort of tightness there, a holding of the moment. glad the sense of breathlessness was evoked.
thanks, friday
i know exactly what you mean, which is why i'm asking about it. on-screen i prefer constrict of slick rib but saying it's another thing. it has to be spoken very carefully, and i'm not sure it should be that hard to speak it. :sigh:
butters
High on a Hill
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ok, you lost me at the sharp turn...If you ask me it looks like a chipbuddy-senna jawa collaboration
rollin' through the boneyard
laughin' all the way
ah, thanks corndog, I was under the impression the only thing people could learn from me were bad habits
applies 90% IMAGINATION TO chipbuddy-senna jawa collaboration
all you have to do is know 15 different languages and not be fluent in any of 'em epeciarry engrish
poetry comes natural
matsukaze mon amour
so... i could probably use constrict in your opinion? which enjambment? sorry, i seem to be having a natural hair-colour moment
twelveoone
ground zero
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maybe it was me not following the thread -I thought this was the poemok, you lost me at the sharp turn...
so... i could probably use constrict in your opinion? which enjambment? sorry, i seem to be having a natural hair-colour moment
she understood
without words
without looks
the swollen muscle inside her chest
pressed
against constriction of slick rib
the thinnest breath
crept
from nostrils while she
willed the submarine thrums to
stop
behind the door
she understood
the importance of silence
as for the other thing -don't worry about it it looks like it happened about 2 mo. ago
bflagsst seems to like that poem
so I went and looked it looked like....
it just cracked me up
UnderYourSpell
Gerund Whore
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ok, you lost me at the sharp turn...
so... i could probably use constrict in your opinion? which enjambment? sorry, i seem to be having a natural hair-colour moment
harumph!!
Palba_Noruda
Literotica Guru
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thanks for reading and taking the time to comment, pab
do you think i could get away with changing 'constriction' to 'constrict'?
swollen muscle inside her chest
pressed
against constrict of slick rib
You could just say pressed against slick rib...
Or make the rib the subject of the statement, so it's the rib doing the pressing. That might imply constriction.
butters
High on a Hill
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well, i suppose i could - it doesn't feel right to me, though. that may well be my undoing, as i am frequently too fond of using more words than necessary. it's something i work on all the time
there's something about the word 'constrict' or 'constriction' that sounds enclosing, tight, uncomfortable. i can't help but like the sound of the run-on of soft 'i's in the phrase.
fridayam
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well, i suppose i could - it doesn't feel right to me, though. that may well be my undoing, as i am frequently too fond of using more words than necessary. it's something i work on all the time
It's the heart "the muscle" that is pressing. I would just lose "against" which is perhaps redundant. x
CharleyH
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butters
High on a Hill
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thanks, friday, for you thoughtful comments.
and now i am left more confused by the differing suggestions. i will think about everyone's ideas and try them out to see which feels right for the little thing
butters
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fridayam
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mmm
Can I add an "mmm" to that as well. I did "mmm" this poem when I read it and forgot to "mmm" appreciatively to you. (Thanks CharleyH for reminding mmmmme!"
UnderYourSpell
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mmm
might one 'mmmm' too but also enquire which cheeks?
butters
High on a Hill
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well thankyou, tooCan I add an "mmm" to that as well. I did "mmm" this poem when I read it and forgot to "mmm" appreciatively to you. (Thanks CharleyH for reminding mmmmme!"
aha, whichever take your fancy, both even. writing it, i appreciated its ambiguity
The_Fool
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thanks for reading and taking the time to comment, pab
do you think i could get away with changing 'constriction' to 'constrict'?
swollen muscle inside her chest
pressed
against constrict of slick rib
construct?
butters
High on a Hill
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the jury's out on that one
as for what i wrote above, it's an animal with no name, truth be told... more an image/an action/an ambiguity. i didn't set out to write it - i should have taken it in hand more, and thought about what it really was.
yeah, i tried that idea but though i liked its architectural quality, the cage of ribs, and the sound link with muscle, it was hard work reading it aloud for me... my lips and tongue were having to jump through hoops! thankyou for the suggestion though, mr fool