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I don't read much incest because it's hard for it to avoid "this person has a screw loose" in my mind; yours hit that gong with me hard. The mother goes off on the father for being vapid and self-centered and then she tops him in her descriptions of herself on how great and perfectly put together she is--and on top of that she puts up no struggle against having sex with her own daughter. A "she's got a screw loose" story for me that I can't shake and the story keeps validating and emphasizing as it unfolds.

That said, you write very well and do sex scenes well, although you include unnecessary setting detail that doesn't add to the story--so, for me, it detracts from the story. Since you don't make anything of their excellent Spanish in the story, it just comes off as snobbish (which isn't helping in making me sympathize with the protagonist) to mention it. And how does giving a long string of adjectives for tequila serve or move the story in any way?

Most numbers are written out in fiction, and it can become disconcerting when they aren't. Thus "I was only 19 when I gave birth to her. As a 33 year old woman, it was hard to explain to a then-14 year old girl why . . ." should be "I was only nineteen when I gave birth to her. As a thirty-three year old woman, it was hard to explain to a then-fourteen-year-old girl why . . ."

You stories should be well received here, as indicated by the number of "favorites" this one has already received.
 
This was a pretty decent piece. It hits a lot of the sweet spots, the father who's not 'taking care' of mom so of course where does she turn?

Pilot mentions the 'screw loose' mentality, which is true in the sense that...in real life this doesn't happen and its not rational.

But this is an erotica site and a taboo story so I wouldn't worry too much about the logic of the motivation. Incest is an implausible kink so its difficult to really establish a solid reason for this, especially in a one page story.

The story was simple and the sex was hot.

There is also a shortage of decent mom/daughter stories so this is was a nice treat.

I'll chime in with you should write out your numbers.

In general great start and best of luck here.
 
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The point I was making was that it needlessly goes too far in alienating me from the mother (and doesn't make the daughter look too balanced either). We only have her word for it that the father is a creep when she dances on his head and tells that she's wonder woman. It's all telling, not showing. I don't even get to the decision to fuck her daughter before I'm thinking that maybe it's the father who should have fought for custody of the girl. Since the girl does the come on and there's little transition/explanation on how they get to the sex other than both of them are hot (which makes them vapid and incomplete in development if that's as far as the attraction is developed), I've been made predisposed to believing that leaving her with the mother was a bad idea.

So, I think the writing is first rate, but the storytelling could be improved. We should find out the father's deficiencies from someone (or in a "showing" somehow) other than the mother telling us about them--a mother who then tells us her own shit doesn't stink and who, eventually, is instantly ready to have sex with her daughter when the daughter comes calling.

On the sex, there's no transition preparing the mother to accept it. She just falls into it, SHOWING us (along with the daughter) that there's no second thinking in this family about fucking around in the family. How to soften this? It could at least have a friend of the daughters along on the trip with them and the mother, who the reader has already been informed is into women (possibly as a reason for the breakup of the marriage) having some sort of transition into realizing that she thought she'd be into the friend but she's actually sexually attracted to her daughter.

We're into the difference between erotica and porn. It requires a little more effort to move closer to believability and rationale, but it's worth it to try.
 
sr71plt said:
The point I was making was that it needlessly goes too far in alienating me from the mother (and doesn't make the daughter look too balanced either). We only have her word for it that the father is a creep when she dances on his head and tells that she's wonder woman. It's all telling, not showing. I don't even get to the decision to fuck her daughter before I'm thinking that maybe it's the father who should have fought for custody of the girl. Since the girl does the come on and there's little transition/explanation on how they get to the sex other than both of them are hot (which makes them vapid and incomplete in development if that's as far as the attraction is developed), I've been made predisposed to believing that leaving her with the mother was a bad idea.

So, I think the writing is first rate, but the storytelling could be improved. We should find out the father's deficiencies from someone (or in a "showing" somehow) other than the mother telling us about them--a mother who then tells us her own shit doesn't stink and who, eventually, is instantly ready to have sex with her daughter when the daughter comes calling.

On the sex, there's no transition preparing the mother to accept it. She just falls into it, SHOWING us (along with the daughter) that there's no second thinking in this family about fucking around in the family. How to soften this? It could at least have a friend of the daughters along on the trip with them and the mother, who the reader has already been informed is into women (possibly as a reason for the breakup of the marriage) having some sort of transition into realizing that she thought she'd be into the friend but she's actually sexually attracted to her daughter.

We're into the difference between erotica and porn. It requires a little more effort to move closer to believability and rationale, but it's worth it to try.
Click to expand...

I agree with most of what you say, but I don't think I take it as seriously and that is probably because I have the 'kink' whereas you don't so things like what stuck out to you don't bother me quite as much. I guess I can "let it go"

I get the sense this story sort of tweaks you with what you consider 'wrong' with the genre because a lot of stories have the issues you mention.

What this does for me is enforce my opinion-note my opinion-that this is where a one page story lacks in a category like incest.

For the implausible kink you need more time to develop the characters and the motivation, but also to ease into the taboo encounter because it should not happen like a switch being thrown, "Mom's hot, why not" there needs to be time to build that conflict and a page just isn't enough to come up with all that.

In a more straightforward genre one page is fine it does not take nearly the time to explain why a person would want sex with a woman/man/couple than it does something this taboo.

Its why my stories are longer, they slow burn their way through the motivation and the crossing of the line. But again all this is my opinion and my style.
 
I don't think the story needs to be longer (I've already mentioned the presence of irrelevant detail). I'd slice the part of the father down to almost nothing. He left the picture is enough. (Although it would serve the story to foreshadow that the mother likes women rather than men.) And I wouldn't bother to make the mother superwoman in all walks of life. That's a fourth of the wordage right there. But what I'd then add in was more plausible motivation that got the mother and daughter into sex. Another approach would be to cut out the tap dance on the father's head altogether and make the mother be a selfish bitch on the make from the beginning. I would find that plausible in the character and wouldn't bother me in the story. Then it probably should be her who makes the move on the daughter, because, as it now stands, it's suddenly the daughter with no scruples/hesitations at all. How did she get to that point? That needs some preparation.

It isn't a no hesitation predator or no barriers against sex in the family that bothered me all that much with this one. It's the similarity to the Internet game of someone coming on, running down their mate, and ending on the note of "let's you and me both get this bastard." It's a game that often works on the Internet--with no evidence of who is really at fault to what extent in that relationship. You're only hearing one side. So, the basic problem with me with this one from the get go was the use of first person by someone running someone else down without evidence, running herself up, and then showing no barriers or second thoughts to having sex with a suddenly aggressive daughter, who, barring any other preparation, must have been raised to be like that by her mother.
 
I really don't like the idea that you have to throw a lot of words at the reader to get character motivations and foreshadowing lodged in their minds. And that's basically what I think wasn't done as well as it could have been in this story--it gave wordage to the minor rather than the major issues.

For instance, you don't have to spend a Lit. page establishing that the character you want to put in a sex scene will take sex from a man. You can do it in phrases. The bald "Gail is a call girl," or she enters a bar alone, perches on a stool, and looks around for someone likely, or "Yes, I've been with a man before." That sweeps away all the need for establishing "will she/won't she?" as well as the Gestalting in transitioning from innocence. Saves a whole lot of wordage.

In this case, a lot of the stuff on the father and mother up to the point of getting it on could be tossed out. A phrase of a divorce happening because the mother decided she liked women more than men and then another one on the daughter being home and causing tension because she was tossed out of Mount Holyoak College for being caught having sex with another woman student and now the mother and daughter are dancing around talking about it would be just about all you would need to bring plausibility to them falling into sex when circumstances favored that. Very few words are needed to establish motivations and/or foreshadow a natural transition into sex.

But in putting a sex story together the motivation for getting there needs to have as much thought and effort put into it as the description of the sex scene gets.
 
I have been in nudist societies and situations, and, as mom says in the story, sexual situations rarely follow from casual nudity. Even adding the masturbation, there seems to be slim motivation for breaking this time honored and genetically sponsored taboo. Especially when mom and daughter had been doing this naked, nude thing for a long time. Now if mom or daughter had been lying in the weeds waiting to pounce for all these years. . . oh that's right, daughter said that. But the reader feels none of he compulsion. I see what Pilot means and I also do not read incest because it seems to me the motivation is always flimsy.

In addition, making much ado about daughter turning 18 makes my reader's ears go boing!

When mom is watching daughter fuck herself, we the reader, get the idea, but we don't get to see or feel, but thanks at least for the smell.

You can write, no doubt, but it needs work.

Also be careful with the difference between naked and nude.
 
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