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Please critique

It's short and simple, but very good.

A couple of little things near the end - be careful about talking when your mouth is full :) and what's that about breasts being in place - where else would they be?

And if, as you say, your pussy starts to flow, wouldn't you want him to return the favour, rather than just sending him away?

Does it lack emotion? Maybe, but that doesn't matter for a quick coupling.
 
Lacks emotion? Yes, but to be expected given the length of the piece. As a result, it's all a bit sad and soulless. Maybe that's the point.

Some clunky language. "...make sure my breasts are in place..." What, on the shelf by the printer? Needs a tighter edit, as others have pointed out - spelling, minor grammar mistakes, nothing too serious.

I suggest you write more next time, this is a scene, not a story.
 
I thought, all things considered, that the dialogue was decent. It was a fun scene. It was a stroker - the characters are basically sketches, but it was an enjoyable enough read. It's harder to make characters connect emotionally, with each other or the reader, when your story is this short. Not impossible by any means, but it can be a bit more challenging.

This may be a matter of personal preference, but I find the use of present tense to seem a little awkward. It's kinda tough to do really well. Also, and again a matter of preference, please, please, please don't go with the trope of describing breasts by bra size, especially if it is told from the female's perspective. There are more organic and fun ways to describe them.
 
Meh

One challenge is to create a story that's *somewhat* believable. There are people who will skip the voting or not comment because they couldn't connect with the characters.

You don't have much time to create characters so they have to grab you. And it helps when they would do something believable.

In this case, it gets right into some sex that isn't badly written ... it just shows up too quickly. We go from a cleaner somehow having his chest exposed to a executive-type woman blowing him just because he has a tryout? Nah.

The idea is good. There's a story there. You just hurried up to get to the orgasm and you skipped some potential connection between the two. It sounds silly because this is all for jerking off but the people who would favorite a story and revisit it are the ones who want to read about something. They want more than just the fucking.

Make sense?
 
Thanks everyone for the critique. I see everyone’s points and agree with them. This was my first time doing something of this genre, which this isn’t easy.

Once again. Thank you.
 
Do you mind if I ask you why you chose to use present tense? It seems many new writers do, and I am curious why. Personally, I find it limiting to the writer and an impediment to my enjoyment as a reader.
 
I find it more enjoyable. I like to project myself into the scene and write within the imagination of the scene. So, to me past tense takes me out of the moment.

I like to read in present tense as well.
 
RedJaime said:
I find it more enjoyable. I like to project myself into the scene and write within the imagination of the scene. So, to me past tense takes me out of the moment.

I like to read in present tense as well.
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Thank you for your reply.

I think, as a writer, that I would find present tense limiting in giving my characters enough nuance. My pov characters tend to reminisce and ruminate more than most, I suppose.

Good luck with your writing!
 
Present tense has power for stories that have events that are unfolding with dramatic tension, and where that tension is the driving force of the story. If POV character gets in an uber, but it turns out the uber is a getaway car for a bank robbery and we follow that POV for the insanity of the next six hours, that's a time where present tense has a lot of power. It's visceral, but it requires action.

Mary and Alvin is as much about Mary and Alvin as it is the about your love affair with the state of Maine. I can't imagine it would be a good fit for you.
 
AwkwardMD said:
Present tense has power for stories that have events that are unfolding with dramatic tension, and where that tension is the driving force of the story. If POV character gets in an uber, but it turns out the uber is a getaway car for a bank robbery and we follow that POV for the insanity of the next six hours, that's a time where present tense has a lot of power. It's visceral, but it requires action.

Mary and Alvin is as much about Mary and Alvin as it is the about your love affair with the state of Maine. I can't imagine it would be a good fit for you.
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That's a good example of how it might be used effectively, thank you.

No, it would not be a good fit for me. My characters are much too introspective. Luckily, I am under no misapprehension that I have a monopoly on how to write. Thanks for helping me learn.
 
MelissaBaby said:
That's a good example of how it might be used effectively, thank you.

No, it would not be a good fit for me. My characters are much too introspective. Luckily, I am under no misapprehension that I have a monopoly on how to write. Thanks for helping me learn.
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Melissa, I apologize. I misread your question. ^^ She’s right with the excitement part. I never wrote this genre and knew a short clip would be better for me in present tense. I wrote and failed on a couple of sci-fi/ action books in present tense.

Present tense is hard to use over multiple years in your book. For example a couples marriage for 10 years. I’ve an idea for a book in this genre and I am thinking about switching as well.
 
RedJaime said:
Melissa, I apologize. I misread your question. ^^ She’s right with the excitement part. I never wrote this genre and knew a short clip would be better for me in present tense. I wrote and failed on a couple of sci-fi/ action books in present tense.

Present tense is hard to use over multiple years in your book. For example a couples marriage for 10 years. I’ve an idea for a book in this genre and I am thinking about switching as well.
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No apology necessary, thank you for your reply.

It is just a subjective impression, but I see a lot of new writers here write in present tense, but it seems that few continue to use it as they grow more experienced. That bolsters my belief that it is too limiting for most purposes. When it is right, as in Awkward's example, of course it is right.
 
When I think of novels or published material that I like, there's very little I can think of that is written in present tense. Again, I acknowledge that it's a matter of preference, but for me, present tense works best in the high drama situations mentioned upthread, or in stories that mess with time, or in stories that blend fantasy and reality in a way to make unreliable narrators more nebulous.

Some stories I can think of that use present tense effectively include Rabbit, Run by Updike, and Roger Zelazny's deliciously odd Creatures of Light and Darkness. Chuck Palhaniuk has written some stuff in present tense (and while I have the floor, is it just me, or has Fight Club aged pretty poorly? I realize I'm not 19 anymore, but... Yeesh.)
 
MelissaBaby said:
No apology necessary, thank you for your reply.

It is just a subjective impression, but I see a lot of new writers here write in present tense, but it seems that few continue to use it as they grow more experienced. That bolsters my belief that it is too limiting for most purposes. When it is right, as in Awkward's example, of course it is right.
Click to expand...

My first real story was supposed to be in present tense, but I ended up doing this weird amalgamation of past and present tense that switched whenever one choice made the language prettier. "I choose" is less pleasing than "I chose", so the next few paragraphs would be in past tense.

It was an artistic choice that was completely up its own ass, and that I have spent years trying to untangle and remove in edits.
 
MelissaBaby said:
No apology necessary, thank you for your reply.

It is just a subjective impression, but I see a lot of new writers here write in present tense, but it seems that few continue to use it as they grow more experienced. That bolsters my belief that it is too limiting for most purposes. When it is right, as in Awkward's example, of course it is right.
Click to expand...

I agree with you regarding new writers do it. My theory behind it is they grew up watching movies and reading second so present tense is more “natural” to them. Just a theory though.
 
Polyacrylate said:
When I think of novels or published material that I like, there's very little I can think of that is written in present tense. Again, I acknowledge that it's a matter of preference, but for me, present tense works best in the high drama situations mentioned upthread, or in stories that mess with time, or in stories that blend fantasy and reality in a way to make unreliable narrators more nebulous.

Some stories I can think of that use present tense effectively include Rabbit, Run by Updike, and Roger Zelazny's deliciously odd Creatures of Light and Darkness. Chuck Palhaniuk has written some stuff in present tense (and while I have the floor, is it just me, or has Fight Club aged pretty poorly? I realize I'm not 19 anymore, but... Yeesh.)
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Hunger games as well and red rising series but too your point they have a lot of action
 
So many authors are dying for 'feedback', and part of the problem with providing it is that potential criticism often boils down to simple variation in personal preference.

Thankfully I think your story has nothing to do with this. Dull, unimaginative, uninspiring; it's tempting to say that the combination of first person and present tense was a tremendous turn off, but to be fair that might have just been because of awkwardly worded and cringe-worthy sentences that were all over the place.

For an example, "It's hard to be quiet in my gorgeous heels" could have instead been something along the lines of: "She cursed silently to herself; it was virtually impossible to engage in discreet maneuvers when wearing heels, and vowed to never wear them again if she could just finish the night unscathed".

The grammar fails and tense fails are also all over the place, which among many other qualities, also kills the read. For another example, "I say while brushing my self off, hopefully my face isn't too red." Like really?
 
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beerlovr88 said:
So many authors are dying for 'feedback', and part of the problem with providing it is that potential criticism often boils down to simple variation in personal preference.

Thankfully I think your story has nothing to do with this. Dull, unimaginative, uninspiring; it's tempting to say that the combination of first person and present tense was a tremendous turn off, but to be fair that might have just been because of awkwardly worded and cringe-worthy sentences that were all over the place.

For an example, "It's hard to be quiet in my gorgeous heels" could have instead been something along the lines of: "She cursed silently to herself; it was virtually impossible to engage in discreet maneuvers when wearing heels, and vowed to never wear them again if she could just finish the night unscathed".

The grammar fails and tense fails are also all over the place, which among many other qualities, also kills the read. For another example, "I say while brushing my self off, hopefully my face isn't too red." Like really?
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Thanks for the input!
 
RedJaime said:
I agree with you regarding new writers do it. My theory behind it is they grew up watching movies and reading second so present tense is more “natural” to them. Just a theory though.
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I've read several books written in present tense by seasoned authors (occasionally in second person too) so I think it can be used effectively with practice. I even wrote one as an experiment but I leave judgment of quality up to the reader. It's a very short stream-of-consciousness story I wrote in a couple of hours and edited as little as possible, called The Sweetest Bad Boy In Town.
I read your story, but like many have said there isn't enough length to say much other than keep writing :)
 
beerlovr88 said:
So many authors are dying for 'feedback', and part of the problem with providing it is that potential criticism often boils down to simple variation in personal preference.

Thankfully I think your story has nothing to do with this. Dull, unimaginative, uninspiring; it's tempting to say that the combination of first person and present tense was a tremendous turn off, but to be fair that might have just been because of awkwardly worded and cringe-worthy sentences that were all over the place.

For an example, "It's hard to be quiet in my gorgeous heels" could have instead been something along the lines of: "She cursed silently to herself; it was virtually impossible to engage in discreet maneuvers when wearing heels, and vowed to never wear them again if she could just finish the night unscathed".

The grammar fails and tense fails are also all over the place, which among many other qualities, also kills the read. For another example, "I say while brushing my self off, hopefully my face isn't too red." Like really?
Click to expand...

Out of curiosity, what's your issue with first person narration?
 
Polyacrylate said:
Out of curiosity, what's your issue with first person narration?
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Excessive use of the first person comes across as painfully self-absorbed, which was my criticism of the latest book I read, Dead Until Dark, which overwhelmed me on the self-absorption part even though I enjoyed watching the show that it inspired. I this, I that, I everything.... anything and everything was always about her.

Virtually all of my favorite authors (Martin, Follet, Maugham, Willocks) used third person past tense with their work. The one exception would be Doyle, who circumvented my typical criticism of first person narratives because the first-person narrator (Watson) talked almost exclusively about another person entirely (Sherlock).

Again though, it's difficult to criticize or provide feedback because so often it's merely a matter of personal preference. For every female who was so obsessed with Sookie's romance with Bill that they couldn't put the book down, there's also people who wouldn't have had the patience to suffer the 'slow build up' aspects that the authors I mentioned incorporated when writing their epic tales.
 
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"Excessive" use of first person? You don't normally skip around with POV. It should either be all first person or not first person at all. And first person is just fine for erotica. It's the most intimate POV and erotica, by definition, should be intimate.
 
sr71plt said:
"Excessive" use of first person?
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Yes. Some authors have a first person narrator, but then there's large 'gaps' or 'breaks' if, say, the featured protaganist is merely observing a dialogue or actions between 2 separate characters entirely, in which case there's large chunks of the story that isn't any different from a third person narrative.

Again I would cite Doyle as an example; there's a first person narrator but still many paragraphs go by without saying "I" every other word in every sentence, such as authors here who tell stories like this: "I felt great because I thought he was cute. I was still worried that we were taking things too fast, but then I remembered what he had promised earlier; that I'd always be his priority". Excessive.

sr71plt said:
And first person is just fine for erotica. It's the most intimate POV and erotica, by definition, should be intimate.
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Right, it's a matter of preference. And speaking of that preference, I will say that 3 of the authors I mentioned have erotic scenes in their novels, and part of the reason I found them so exciting was because they expertly incorporated an element that so many authors here like to neglect: emotion and character development. So even if first person was 100% fine and the OP could clean up the tense usage and awkward wording, by the OP's own admission there was still plenty of room for improvement in these categories as well.
 
beerlovr88 said:
Yes. Some authors have a first person narrator, but then there's large 'gaps' or 'breaks' if, say, the featured protaganist is merely observing a dialogue or actions between 2 separate characters entirely, in which case there's large chunks of the story that isn't any different from a third person narrative.

Again I would cite Doyle as an example; there's a first person narrator but still many paragraphs go by without saying "I" every other word in every sentence, such as authors here who tell stories like this: "I felt great because I thought he was cute. I was still worried that we were taking things too fast, but then I remembered what he had promised earlier; that I'd always be his priority". Excessive.
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Sorry, I think this is nonsense and counsel those requesting help here do some research on those giving advice. At the minimum, the adviser's story file here can be consulted as representative of their experience and skill. There should be very limited attempts to use varying POVs in a story and doing so successfully would need considerable writing skill. And first person POV is a legitimate POV choice, especially for erotica.

Not going to argue that further here. Just suggest the OP be alert and beware.
 
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