Humor Thread

Out of Town

I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab.

I grabbed a card on my way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, and long graceful legs all the way up to her rear end . You know the kind. So I'm in my room and figure, what the hell, I'll give her a call.

"Hello?" the woman says. God, she sounded sexy.

"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?"

She says, "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press 9."

Very Optimistic

Three friends had a good friend named Joe and he was, naturally, an eternal optimist. At every bad situation he would always say ''It could have been worse.'' His friends hated that quality about him, so they came up with a story so horrible that not even Joe could come up with a bright side.

So the next day, only two of his friends showed up for a golf date.

Joe asked, ''Where's Gary?''

And one of his friends said, ''Didn't you hear? Yesterday, Gary found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned the gun on himself.''

Joe says,''Well it could have been worse.''

Both his friends said, ''How in hell could it be worse? Your best friend just killed himself!''

Joe says, ''If it had happened two days ago, I'd be dead now!''

Just KID-ding

A team of doctors attended the delivery of quintuplets who were able to walk immediately after their umbilical cords were cut. The senior doctor was asked to explain this unusual occurrence. `I guess they had a lot of practice,’ he said.
`What do you mean, `practice’?’ asked a medical colleague. `They were just born.’
The doctor replied, `Well, it was standing womb only.’

A woman gave up her twins for adoption. One went to a Egyptian family who named him Amal. The other was adopted by a Spanish couple who called him Juan. Years later, Juan traced his mother and sent her a picture of himself. She told her husband that she wished they had a picture of Amal too. He replied, `Once you’ve seen Juan you’ve seen Amal’.
(Once you’ve seen One, you’ve seen ‘em all)

When a pregnant mother and he four-year-old son were shopping, he was asked by a woman if he was excited about the new baby. `Yes,’ he replied, `and I know what we’re gonna call it too. If it’s a girl we’ll call her Mary and if it’s another brat we’re gonna call it Quits.’

Did you hear about the baby who swallowed a safety pin?
Her mother did not panic. It was a Safety Pin.

Is your baby a boy or a girl?
Of course, what else could it be?

Why is it nice being a baby?
It is a nappy time.

Why did the baby’s balloon burst?
Because it saw the lolly pop.

Handy hint: Feed your baby onions so you can find it in the dark.

Our baby looks just like me. But that’s ok, As long as he’s healthy.

They said our baby looked like me. Until they turned him the right side up,

When I was born, everyone was so happy. Even the doctor said, `I think it’s a baby.’

He was so ugly when he was born, that they were debating if they should buy a cot or a cage.

He was such a big baby, that the doctor was afraid to slap him.

He used to be a bottle baby, but when he was ten, he pushed the cork out and escaped.

He’s been hitting the bottle for years. He’ll be two tomorrow.

Most babies born today are very young.

Panic: When your baby-sitter calls to ask you where you keep the fire-extinguisher.

Anxiety: Getting up to see why the baby isn’t crying.

Side Effect of Alcohol.. and Remedies!

1. Symptom: Cold and humid feet.
Cause: Glass is being held at incorrect angle (You are pouring the drink on
your feet).
Cure: Maneuver glass until open end is facing upward

2. Symptom: The wall facing you is full of lights.
Cause: You're lying on the floor.
Cure: Position your body at a 90-degree angle to the floor.

3. Symptom: The floor looks blurry.
Cause: You're looking through an empty glass.
Cure: Quickly refill with your favorite beverage.

4. Symptom: The floor is moving.
Cause: You're being dragged away.
Cure: At least ask where they're taking you.

5. Symptom: You hear echoes every time someone speaks.
Cause: You have your glass on your ear.
Cure: Stop making a fool of yourself!

6. Symptom: The room is shaking a lot, everyone is dressed in white and the music is very repetitive.
Cause: You're in an ambulance.
Cure: Don't move. Let the professionals do their job.

7. Symptom: Your dad and all your brothers are looking at you funny.
Cause: You're in the wrong house.
Cure: Ask if they can point you to your house.

Swollen at the Doctor's

Don't laugh!" said the patient, Ed.

"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," Ed said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.

"I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again.

Now...what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Ed replied.

Nice Name

I attended a party this past weekend.

After checking out all the well-dressed guests at the party, I spotted an attractive woman (standing alone) across the room. When I approached and
asked her name, She coyly replied... "Carmen."

Trying to maintain some sort of conversation with her, I responded with "That's a beautiful name, Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself, because it reflects the things I like most in the world - cars and men."

Then she asked, "What's your name?"

"Golftits," I replied.

DG Hear said:

Nice Name

I attended a party this past weekend.

After checking out all the well-dressed guests at the party, I spotted an attractive woman (standing alone) across the room. When I approached and
asked her name, She coyly replied... "Carmen."

Trying to maintain some sort of conversation with her, I responded with "That's a beautiful name, Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself, because it reflects the things I like most in the world - cars and men."

Then she asked, "What's your name?"

"Golftits," I replied.

Click to expand...

Lipstick on the Mirror...
Lipstick in School (priceless)
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips on the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine all the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers. . . and then there are educators.

The Cruise
A fellow went to his travel agent and tried to book a two-week cruise for himself and his lady friend. The travel agent said that all the
ships were booked and reservations were very tight at that moment, but that he would see what he could do. A couple of days later, the travel agent phoned and said he could get them onto a three-day cruise. The guy was disappointed that it was
such a short cruise, but booked it...and went to the drug store to buy Dramamines and three condoms.
The next day the agent called back and reported that he now could book a five day cruise, the guy said, "Great, I'll take it!" and returned to the same pharmacy to buy two more Dramamines and two more condoms.
The following day, the travel agent called yet again, and said he was delighted that he could offer them bookings on an eight-day cruise. The guy was elated and, went back to the drugstore. He asked for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.
The pharmacist looked sympathetically at him and said, "Look, I'm not trying to pry...but, if it makes you sick, why do you keep doing it?"

redpaint said:

The Cruise
A fellow went to his travel agent and tried to book a two-week cruise for himself and his lady friend. ...

Click to expand...

Very very cute! Thanks, redpaint!

What do you get when you mix PMS with GPS?


A crazy bitch who will find you!

Had this before but it's still funny.

New Viagra Names

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.

After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin , Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Stages of Drunkness
0 - Stone cold sober. Brain as sharp as an army bayonet.

1 - Still sober. Pleasure senses activated. Feeling of well-being.

2 - Lager warming up head. Pretzles are ordered. Barmaid complimented on choice of blouse.

3 - Crossword in newspaper is filled in. After a while blanks are filled with random letters and numbers.

4 - Barmaid complimented on choice of bra. Partially visible when bending to get packets of crisps. Try to instigate conversation about bras. Order half a dozen packets of pretzles one by one.

5 - Have brilliant discussion with guy on the next bar stool. Devise fool-proof scheme for wining lottery, sort out Denver Broncos defense problems.

6 - Feel like a Demi-God. Map out rest of life on cocktail napkin. Realize that everybody loves you. Call parents and tell them you love them. Call girlfriend to tell her you love her and she still has an amazing ass.

7 - Send drinks over to woman sitting at table with boyfriend. No reaction. Scribble out message of love on five cocktail napkins and Frisbee them to her across the room. Boyfriend asks you outside. You buy him a Slim Panatela.

8 - Some slurring. Offer to buy drinks for everyone in room. Lots of people say yes. Go round the bar hugging them one by one. Fall over. Get up.

9 - Head-ache kicks in. Michelob tastes off. Send it back. Next bottle comes back tasting same. Say, "That's much better". Fight nausea by trying to play old Space Invaders game for ten minutes before seeing out of order sign.

10 - Some doubling of vision. Stand on table shouting abuse at all four bartenders. Talked down by bartender's wives, who you offer to give a baby to. Fall over. Get up. Fall over. Impale head on corner of table. Fail to notice oozing head wound.

11 - Speech no longer possible. Eventually manage to find door. Sit and take stock. Realize you are sitting in pub cellar, having taken a wrong turning. Vomit. Pass out.

12 - Put in cab by somebody. Give home address. Taken home. Can't get key in door. Realize you've given address of your local gym. Generally pleased at way evening has gone. Pass out again.

This is bad!
DG

Nymphomaniac in My Car

A guy sees his buddy in a bar and says, "You're not going to believe this,but I've got a wild nymphomaniac in my car out in the parking lot. She's wearing me out! Can you go out to the car and keep her busy? The dome light is off, so she won't know you're not me!"

His friend agrees and goes out to his car.

They climb into the back seat and start going at it.

A few minutes later, a cop sees them and starts banging on the window, shining his flashlight inside. "What the hell do you two think you're doing?"

The guy says, "Oh, there's nothing wrong, she's my wife."

The cop says, "Oh, sorry,I didn't know."

The guy says "Neither did I until you shined that light in here."

Screw or Swim

Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the counter with a great big smile on his face.

Dave says "John what are you so happy for?"

"Well Dave, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxing my boat, just waxing my boat, and a redhead came up to me... tits out to here, Dave, tits out to here!

She says "Can I have a ride in your boat?" I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave. I turned off the key and I said 'Its either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Dave, she couldn't swim!!."

The next day Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the counter with a bigger smile on his face.

Dave says "What are you so happy about today John?"

"Well Dave... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxing my boat, just waxing my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blonde came up to me... tits out to here, Dave, tits out to here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' "Sure you can have a ride in my boat." So I took her way out, Dave, way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said 'Its either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim!!, Dave, she couldn't swim!!!!."

A couple days pass and Dave walks into a bar and sees John down there crying over a beer.

Dave says "John, what are you so sad for?"

"Well Dave, I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxing my boat, just waxing my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me... tits WAY out to here, Dave, tits WAY out to here. I had more wood than my boat does. She says "Can I have a ride in your boat?" "Sure you can have a ride in my boat." So I took her way out, Dave, way WAY out... much further than the last two. I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said 'Its either screw or swim!!'. Then, she pulled down her pants.... she had a dick, Dave !!! She had a great BIG dick!!! .....

.... Dave, ..... I CAN'T SWIM!!!"

The Final Blowjob

A woman recently lost her husband. Their marriage had been a very
lousy one, and she was relieved that he was finally gone.
She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.

Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter.

Then she started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the
ashes, she said, "You know that fur coat you promised me?"

She answered by saying, "I bought it with the insurance money!"

She then said, "Remember that new car you promised me?"

She answered again saying, "Well, I bought it with the insurance
money!"

Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Remember that
blow job I promised you? Well ...... here it comes..."

How Women Get to Heaven

A small boy walks into his mother's room and catches her topless.
"Mommy, Mommy, what are those?" he says pointing to her breasts.

"Well, son," she says, These are balloons, and when you die, they
inflate and float you up to heaven."

Incredibly, he appears to believe this explanation and goes off quite
satisfied. Two days later while his mother is making tea, he rushes
into the kitchen. "Mommy, mommy, Aunt Eliza is dying!"

"What do you mean?" says his mother.

"Well she's out in the garden shed, lying on the floor. Both of her
balloons are out, Dad's blowing them up, and she keeps yelling,
"God, I'm coming! God, I'm coming!"

Caution: Slippery And Wet


Man: Doctor, Doctor, I've got water on the knee, water on the elbow and water on the brain:
Doctor: `I suggest you get out of the shower'

Doctor: Did you drink carrot juice after the hot bath?
Woman: No, Doctor, I haven't finished drinking the bath yet.

Q: Why did the robber take a bath?
A: Because he wanted to make a clean getaway.

Q: What is a ringleader?
A: The first person in the bath.

Q: Why did the toiler paper roll downhill?
A: To get to the Bottom.

Handy Hint: Keep your bathtub in the living room, so you won't have too far to walk when the door-bell rings.

The only time the world beats a path to your boor is if you're in the bathroom.

Some days I have to take three or four baths to get the phone to ring.

Does reading in the bathroom qualify as Multitasking?

I'd like to give him a gift he needs, but I don't know how to wrap a bathtub.

men, women and coffee

First Woman: I like my men like I like my coffee.. Rich and Strong.
Second Woman: I like my men like I like my coffee. Ground and in the Freezer..

Man passing by: I like my women like I like my coffee. Cold and Bitter.

(ducking flying saucers while posting this one.. lol)

Q: Why does the Bride always wear white

A: Well... aren't all Kitchen appliances that colour...