1st story feedback request

Hi all.

My first story went up a few days ago and it's had a few reads. I really appreciate some honest pull-no-punches feedback.

Thanks in advance for your time and interest.

https://www.literotica.com/s/thursday-5

This is a very sweet story that heats up perfectly. Nice work. It's on the basic side, but I think that lots of readers will like the simple, relatable premise. The sex is effective, and the fucking language matches the tone of the romance language — nothing discordant or jarring, which is a problem in many stories that begin with a more subtle romantic tone.

One thing had me scratching my head: "That particular piece of news he had shared with her the previous summer. Exactly how she felt remained a mystery to him but it was clear that there was something there." How? How do you tell someone you love them and remain, for a year, unsure as to how they feel about it? I don't get this. What happened in the meantime?

Some line-by-line stuff:

"I wonder if she can hear my heart pounding from there." he thought — needs a comma there, not a period. By the way, who's "he"? Can he have a name?

And again: "I'm really glad you're here." he said as he stood to get refills, "I know it's hard for you to find the time." — in this one, you want a comma in place of the first period, and a period in place of first comma! Do some reading up on how to punctuate dialogue in fiction. It's your biggest style issue by far, and fixing it will make your readers much happier.

Aside from the grammar, the typos and the punctuation mistakes, you start off with a timeline issue. You say that tonight she is driving you home, yet the next paragraph references the late afternoon sun.

Being a short story I understand the need to rush things along but you needed more character development. You were trying to tell a story and it almost came across. As mentioned above the question of her knowing but never telling him her feelings raises an eyebrow.

Flow in a few places is wrong.
"The whispering purr as the zipper began to move was the loudest thing he'd ever heard. Time stood still as both of their lives changed."
It was just a zipper. Save the time standing still stuff for later when there is actual meaning or make it a magical zipper than can stop time. Or was the zipper going down the real life changing moment?

"I was surprised when I first saw it too." he said.
This is one sentence. End your dialogue with a comma before the closing quotation mark before your he said/she said. Your way you just made he said. a standalone sentence.
"I was surprised when I first saw it too," he said.

Otherwise it was a nice story that I'm sure peeps in EC will like. Welcome to the world of publishing.

Mav

Sir_Maveric said:

Aside from the grammar, the typos and the punctuation mistakes

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Which were everywhere and impossible to miss.

A child might be able to enjoy a kid's show despite its poor acting, predictable plot and lack of depth, and I only mention this because I think it's this childlike mentality that's going to be needed to look past these egregious previsions of the English language and enjoy the OP's story.

thewinedarksea said:

One thing had me scratching my head: "That particular piece of news he had shared with her the previous summer. Exactly how she felt remained a mystery to him but it was clear that there was something there." How? How do you tell someone you love them and remain, for a year, unsure as to how they feel about it? I don't get this. What happened in the meantime?

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Since we're talking about a workplace relationship, it's easy to imagine the year long silence. If he pushes it, he's liable to get a visit from HR. Given her prior experience with obsessive relationships, the most rational response may well have been to maintain her distance. There are tantalizing hints in the story, but only hints.

This reads like a slice of life story, in which we're seeing the denouement without knowing what led to this moment. The purple prose is perhaps even appropriate, since the story is being told from the man's POV and he's clearly infatuated.

Your next story should, perhaps, be a prequel to this one. While it wouldn't have a lot of sex in it, it would be interesting to see their interactions in the office and, perhaps, outside it. Clearly, there's a backstory. She wouldn't have had her hand on his in the truck otherwise.

A promising start. But do be careful with your punctuation.

I liked your story a lot and think you did very well with your first story. Here are some suggestions to consider:
* I didn't like the I-told-her-a-year-ago-that-I-loved-her part of the story. Write what you want, but I think it would have worked much better if it was an unspoken part of their relationship
* You lean too much on his announcing and not showing us why he loves her. What is it about her that makes him love her? Is it her sense of humor? Her enjoyable conversation? Her sense of style? Her common sense? It was only when she was naked that I felt specifics were given about what the MMC found attractive about the FMC
* Similarly, we know almost nothing about the FMC beyond she's a coworker. What's the age difference? What's her education level? Why is she driving a truck? As the MMC is divorced, it would have been easy to tell us about the FMC by contrasting her with his first wife
* I would have been interested in you exploring what a divorced person feels when he falls for a person again. The story reads more like he's never been married before

I'm very grateful for your feedback.

The story is based on actual events and I wrote it for "her". She made me promise not to use names. I probably should have made some up prior to submission here.

I know there are probably some other elements of the story that don't necessarily work in a piece of fiction but they were actual events. Life doesn't always imitate art and vice versa. Again, I admit I could have polished and tweaked it a bit more for a general audience instead of the audience of 1 for whom it was originally written.

8letters said:

I would have been interested in you exploring what a divorced person feels when he falls for a person again. The story reads more like he's never been married before

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Yes, that's it. There's an innocence about your narrator that was quite engaging. The mystery about the woman worked for me - I wasn't fussed about the lack of exposition for her, because the vignette was about him.

I did laugh at the zipper moment, his whole world revolving around a single sound. I've got a story where the whole world stops rotating, then starts again in a single heart-beat, so yeah, bring on The World's Most Important Moment.

I was telling someone just the other day of a woman in a leather dress, with a diagonal zip from its collar to the hem - zips are important, Sir Maveric, very important .

Grammar glitches? Hardly a hanging offence - tidy them up, you'll be fine.

electricblue66 said:

I was telling someone just the other day of a woman in a leather dress, with a diagonal zip from its collar to the hem - zips are important, Sir Maveric, very important .

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Agreed they can be and moments like that can be very powerful. In your example a diagonal zipper has more significance than a regular zipper on a dress. Diagonal on a leather dress from collar to hem is meant to impress and impart certain feelings. In this story it wasn't described well enough. Simply stating that a zipper being lowered changed two lives doesn't give me, the reader, enough to make it believable. How did they change?

IMO the true moment their lives changed in this story is when she decided to willingly go upstairs. From what was written that was the obstacle to get over. Once the offer was accepted the rest was inevitable. After admitting that he had pushed in the past meant her accepting this time things had changed. This is why I indicated that sentence was in the wrong part of the story.

But as I said, this is just my opinion. Others may read the same thing and impart their own experiences and feelings and come away with something different.

Sir_Maveric said:

Agreed they can be and moments like that can be very powerful. In your example a diagonal zipper has more significance than a regular zipper on a dress. Diagonal on a leather dress from collar to hem is meant to impress and impart certain feelings.

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That's the truth, for sure. The woman in that green leather dress is permanently etched in my brain, the gorgeous long-waisted thing. Every time I saw her standing by my desk (we worked together) I wanted to undo that zip, slowly, and discover what would be revealed, beneath. I could never decide, zip down from the shoulder, or unzip up from the thigh. Either, would have been... exquisite delight.

electricblue66 said:

The woman in that green leather dress is permanently etched in my brain

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Mine is an eighth grade geography teacher. Short dark skirts with a hidden zipper on the side. White see through blouses barely hiding the white lace bras that did nothing to cover the dark stained treasures beneath. I knew even back then that the teacher's lounge was a magical place, and I always wished I could have a golden invitation. I envied the guy she was really wearing that outfit for. Time has taken her name from me, but she was the love of my high school life.