Feedback request for "The Loyals", an SPH/Cuckold story

Hi Literoticans,

I've just started writing a new series called The Loyals which follows a couples exploration of the SPH and interracial cuckolding fetishes. The first part was published this morning and I would love to get some feedback from anyone who might be interested in that genre.

I've not written much before so I'm still finding my feet. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.

It's quite a long story, I have a rough idea of at least seven chapters and it would build up gradually to an intense ending. What I'm really looking for is whether it is a good fit for Literotica of whether I have gone too slow on the first chapter.

Here it is: https://www.literotica.com/s/the-loyals-ch-01

Would love to hear your thoughts.

Thanks,

Alex

Hey Alex, I read your story, and I liked it a lot! I think it's well written, easy to follow, and hot. I like the length, too; I prefere short chapters like this. The premise is not very original, but that doesn't bother me. I appreciate a common fantasy executed well. And I don't think your story was disrespectful, in a way these fantasies about black men often are.

Some critisism, but all of them are just minor points. As I said, I liked your story a lot!

- your protagonist doesn't have a name. It works for this chapter, but it will be awkward when you need him to have one in a later chapter.

- You never specify the protagonists ethnicity, and Sarah's ethnicity only comes up well into the story. This seems odd, given that we're talking about an interracial fantasy. Now, I assumed that both of them are white, and you could make the argument that this particular fantasy is so common that it doesn't need further clarification. I'd disagree, I think it's poor writing to just assume "white is the standard" in a story where the characters ethnicities explicitely matter.

- You could consider dropping a hint early on that the story takes place in the early aughts. I doubt that anybody goes to brick and mortar stores to buy porn dvd's anymore.

- I love that you take your time to describe everything, both the scene and the characters thoughts and feelings. However, sometimes your writing borders a bit on the overwrought. You especially tend to overuse adverbs. Then again, I know I have the same problem, so pot kettle black, I guess

- "So, what do you into?" is a typo, I assume.

- The characters have been together for a decade plus, and he's never let her see his erect penis? That seems highly improbable, and it's the only thing that took me out of your story. I get that he's insecure about his dick, and that's ok. But something like "I realised I couldn't remember the last time I had allowed Sarah to get a good, frank look at my dick" would work better.

Looking forward to reading more!