Humor Thread

Murphy's Laws

1. If anything can go wrong, it will.

2. Nothing is as easy as it looks.

3. Everything takes longer than you think.

4. Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.

5. If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that does will do the most damage.

6. Nature sides with the hidden flaw.

7. It always costs more than first estimated.

8. If you try to please everyone, someone will be disappointed.

9. It is easier to get involved in something than get out of it.

10. Every solution breeds new problems.

11. Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first.

12. If you determine there are four possible ways for something to go wrong and circumvent them, a fifth will promptly develop.

13. If you're feeling good, you'll get over it.

14. It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.

15. If you tinker with it long enough, it will break.

16. By making things perfectly clear, people will become confused.

17. The more complex the idea or technology, the more simpleminded the opposition. (Internet anyone?)

18. The more urgent the need for a decision, the less apparent becomes the identity of the decision maker.

19. If there is a 50% chance of success,that means there is a 75% chance of
failure.

20. Interchangeable parts won't.

21. In any computation, the figure that seems the most correct will be the source of the error.

22. Blame will never be placed if enough people are involved.

23. No matter what happens, someone will credit a pet theory.

24. A fail-safe circuit will destroy all others.

Murphys Law of Thermodynamics: Things get progressively worse under pressure.

And finally:

The Six Phases of a Project

1. Enthusiasm.

2. Disillusionment.

3. Panic.

4. Search for the guilty.

5. Punishment of the innocent.

6. Praise and honors for the non-participants.

Deserted Island

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.

He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship."

As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.

Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"

"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.

He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the castaway, "that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.

Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."

Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.

He opened the flask and took a long drink. " 'Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. " 'Tis truly fantastic!!!"

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!"

Questions and Answers from an AARP Forum

Questions and Answers from an AARP Forum

Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women
who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore---under fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can
finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.

Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is that true? Where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt."

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly---wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.

Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds
when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember these."

Abby Was At A Loss To Answer The Following!

1. Dear Abby
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a
middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid
twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never
seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could
be Lebanese?

2. Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence
on My VCR?

3. Dear Abby,
I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the
baby I'm carrying is his.

4. Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill
for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should
share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money
with him.

5. Dear Abby,
I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when
confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would
never happen again.

6. Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised
in a good Christian home turn against his own?

7. Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?

8. Dear Abby,
My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour
every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

9. Dear Abby,
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until
one night he came home sober.

10. Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going through
mental pause.

11. Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to
send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he
i s a doctor. Now what do I do?

Remember these people can vote ... And drive cars!

DG Hear said:

9. Dear Abby,
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until
one night he came home sober.

Click to expand...

My first job after graduation from college was as a teacher in a high school.

It was a boarding school; we had a dorm, male kids and female kids on alternating floors, and I was also a dorm parent. The man in charge of the dorm, as a whole, had the title, "Dean."

The Dean of that dorm was a case and a half a day man. Beer, I mean. Thirty-five to forty beers, every day. He said there was a lot of truth at the bottom of those bottles.

The point is, I never had met the man sober.

It can really happen.

Just sayin'.

From The Florida Retirement Gazette

I found the thread way back on page 2 again. For anyone who's enjoying some of the humor, please give the thread a bumb if it's on the bottom of the page or on page two. Thank you. DG Hear

FROM THE FLORIDA RETIREMENT GAZETTE


Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.

One lady turns and asks, 'Do you still get horny?'

The other replies, 'Oh, sure I do.'

The first old lady asks, 'What do you do about it?'

The second old lady replies, 'I suck a lifesaver.'

After a few moments, the first old lady asks,

'Who drives you to the beach?'

**********************************************************

Three old ladies were sitting side by side on patio chairs at their Orlando retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled from years past shopping at the local Publix and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.

The second old lady nodded, adding that onions u sed to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.

The third old lady remarked, 'I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about.

*************************************************************

A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a Florida Adult community.

A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench. After a few moments, the woman asks, 'Are you a stranger here?'

He replies, 'I lived here years ago.'

'So, where were you all these years?'

'In prison,' he says.

'Why did they put you in prison?'

He looked at her, and very quietly said, 'I killed my wife.'

'Oh!' said the woman. 'So you're single...?!'

(more to come)

More from the Florida Retirement Gazette

Two elderly people living in a Port Charlotte Retirement Community, he was a widower and she a widow, had known each other for a number of years. One evening there was a community supper in the big arena in the Clubhouse.

The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage to ask her, 'Will you marry me?'

After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered 'Yes. Yes, I will!'

The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. 'Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?'

He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.

First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening pas t. As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, 'When I asked if you would marry me, did you say ' Yes' or did you s ay 'No'?' He was delighted to hear her say, 'Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will.' and I meant it with all my heart'. Then she continued, 'And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me.'

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

A man was telling his neighbor in Sun City Center , 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It only cost me four hundred dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'

'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?'

'Twelve thirty'

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Morris, an 82 year-old man in Miami , went to the doctor at the local Medical Clinic to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma' and 'be cheerful'',
Morris replied.

To which the doctor said, 'I didn't say that, Morris. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur, be careful!'

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

A little old man shuffled slowly into the 'Orange Dipper', an ice cream parlor in Leesburg, and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.

After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

'No,' he replied, 'hemorrhoids.'

Actual call center conversations!

Actual call center conversations!

Customer: 'I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get through;
Can you help?'
Operator: 'Where did you get that number, sir?'
Customer: 'It's on the door of your business.'
Operator: 'Sir, those are the hours that we are open.'
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Samsung Electronics
Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about.'
Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I
Need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and
Telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the
Number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
RAC Motoring Services
Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am
Traveling in Australia ?'
Operator: 'Does the product name give you a clue?'
--------------------------------------------- -------------------------
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe )
'If I register my car in France , and then take it to England , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Directory Enquiries
Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?'
Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in Scotland '
----------------------------------------------------------------------
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: 'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.'
Customer: 'OK.'
Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No.'
Tech Support: 'OK . Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No.'
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this
Point?'
Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: 'OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can
You see the 'OK' button displayed?'
Customer: 'Wow! How can you see my screen from there?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that I need it. So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my file back again?'

Hello operator

This has to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for 'Termination without Cause.'

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
(Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words
Went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared'
Operator: 'Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Operator: 'Nothing??'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: 'Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the S creen?'
Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I
Type.'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where
The power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's
plugged into the wall.
Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that
there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just
one? '
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and
find the other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into
the back of your computer.'
Caller: 'I can't reach.'
Operator: 'OK. Well, can you see if it is?'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean
way over?'
Caller: 'Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's
because it's dark.'
Operator: 'Dark?'
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is
coming in from the window.'
Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't.'
Operator: 'No? Why not?'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power ... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it
licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and
packing stuff that your computer came in?'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it
up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to
the store you bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!'

6 Truths of Life

6 Truths of Life

1. You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue.

2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try it.

3. And discover that The first truth is a lie.

4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot.

5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.

6. There's still a stupid smile on your face.
Sorry about this....
I'm an idiot and I needed company! Gotcha!!!

Received in email:

Men are just so .............um ........... Funny.

Great gift for that special woman in your life? Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer. The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5'' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipsh!t,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ol' thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . %^&*, #$%^, !*#$ . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION.... WHAT THE!!!

I'm pretty sure The Hulk ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the foetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.

A three second burst would be considered conservative?

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I sh!t myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

OMG! Too funny! hahaha!

Julie Andrews Turns 69,

To commemorate her birthday, actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan 's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP.
One of the musical numbers she performed was 'My Favorite Things' from the legendary movie 'Sound Of Music'. Here are the lyrics she used:

> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >> > > > > > >

Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Cadillacs and cataracts ,and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.

When the joints ache, When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Happy Birthday Julie Andrews, whenever it was.

Black hurricanes....

I'll apologize in advance if you are offended by the quote. I did ask a couple of my black friends and they thought it was hilarious, so I'm sharing it with you.
DG


Black hurricanes....

Well, it appears our African-American friends have found yet something else to be pissed about. A black congresswoman (this would be Sheila Jackson Lee, of Houston ), reportedly complained that the names of hurricanes are all Caucasian sounding names.

She would prefer some names that reflect African-American culture such as Chamiqua, Tanisha, Woeisha, Shaqueal, and Jamal. I am NOT making this up!

She would also like the weather reports to be broadcast in 'language' that street people can understand because one of the problems that happened in New Orleans was, that black people couldn't understand the seriousness of the situation, due to the racially biased language of the weather report.

I guess if the weather person says that the winds are going to blow at 140+ MPH, that's too hard to understand!

I can hear it now: A weatherman in New Orleans says...

Wazzup, mutha-fukkas! Hehr-i-cane Chamiqua be headin' fo' yo ass like Leroy on a crotch rocket!
Bitch be a category fo'! So, turn off dem chitlins, grab yo' chirren, leave yo crib, and head fo' de nearest FEMA office fo yo FREE shit

I'm sending this to friends and relatives who like to cook. Here is a

chicken recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing.

Imagine that!!! When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect

for people, like me, who are just not sure how to tell when poultry is

thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try.



BAKED STUFFED CHICKEN

6-7 lb. chicken

1 cup melted butter

1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is good)

1 cup uncooked popcorn (Orville Redenbacher's low fat)
Salt & Pepper to taste



Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush chicken well with melted butter,

salt & pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in

baking pan with the neck end toward the back end of the oven. Listen
for the popping sounds. When the chicken's ass blows the oven door
open and the chicken flies across the room, it's done

***

An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and
asks, 'what kind of car ya got there, sonny?'

The doctor replies, 'a Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!'

'That's a lot of money,' says the old man. 'Why does it cost so much?'

'Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!', states the doctor proudly.

The Moped driver asks, 'mind if I take a look inside?'

'No problem,' replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says,
'that's a pretty nice car, all right...but I'll stick with my Moped!'

Just then the light changes. So the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer
reads 160 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!

He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH !

Something whips by him going much faster! 'What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?' the doctor asks himself.

He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.

Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!

Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 275 mph and he's feeling pretty good until he looks in his
mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN !

Astounded by the speed of this old guy,he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.

Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!

Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.

The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive.

He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, 'I'm a doctor.... Is there anything I can do for you?'

The old man whispers:

'Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror!'

***

An Italian man named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when
he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman. Things progressed
to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some
small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, 'So, you finish?'

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, 'No.'

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she
thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally
ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, 'You finish?'

Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to
him and softly said, 'No.'

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied,
Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength,
he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking,
clawing and ripping the bed sheets.
Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his
head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, 'You
finish?'

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispered in his ear, 'No, I
Norwegian.'

Thank you

Thank you glynndah the Good Witch for contributing to the humor thread. Please come back often. I wonder how many people are going to try that chicken stuffing recipe? Can I use microwave popcorn? How about if I leave it in the bag so I don't blow my oven door off? LOL

DG Hear said:

Thank you glynndah the Good Witch for contributing to the humor thread. Please come back often. I wonder how many people are going to try that chicken stuffing recipe? Can I use microwave popcorn? How about if I leave it in the bag so I don't blow my oven door off? LOL

Click to expand...

Then how are you going to know if it's done?

Let's see?

glynndah said:

Then how are you going to know if it's done?

Click to expand...

The chicken will look pregnant. haha
Thanks again
DG

Here's one for ya's...

What did he say?

Question

Can anyone tell me how to paste a picture onto this thread? I've had some cute cartoons humor and pics of animals with some humorous saying on them. I don't know how to post them. I've asked a number of people with no success. I guess I'm not the brightest bulb in the box.

At least there are a few bulbs as dull as me. If you know how to do it you can post it here, send me a PM or e-mail me at dghear@sbcglobal.net.

Then I'll be able to add to the humor. I know how to copy and paste web-sites, I'm just interested in jpg's or what ever that I receive from others in my e-mail.
Thank you
DG Hear

DG Hear said:

Can anyone tell me how to paste a picture onto this thread? I've had some cute cartoons humor and pics of animals with some humorous saying on them. I don't know how to post them. I've asked a number of people with no success. I guess I'm not the brightest bulb in the box.

At least there are a few bulbs as dull as me. If you know how to do it you can post it here, send me a PM or e-mail me at dghear@sbcglobal.net.

Then I'll be able to add to the humor. I know how to copy and paste web-sites, I'm just interested in jpg's or what ever that I receive from others in my e-mail.
Thank you
DG Hear

Click to expand...

To post a pic so it show on display of the post you have to put it somewhere on the web...like photobucket...once you post it to photobucket you will get a URL which you can paste into the address of the picture window...

That little picture of the mountain with sun in the sky will bring up a window to past a URL which points at the picture.

Thanks

Zeb_Carter said:

To post a pic so it show on display of the post you have to put it somewhere on the web...like photobucket...once you post it to photobucket you will get a URL which you can paste into the address of the picture window...

That little picture of the mountain with sun in the sky will bring up a window to past a URL which points at the picture.

Click to expand...

Will the pic show when someone looks at the thread or will they have to click on an url to see it.
DG

It will show as a picture.

Thanks

rgraham666 said:

It will show as a picture.

Click to expand...

I have someone else hopefully trying it for me. Thanks, Zeb and Rob. Thanks also for posting to the thread. I think we can all use a laugh now and then.
DG

And then the fight started...

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'

And then the fight started.....



My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.

I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started.....



I rear-ended a car this morning.

So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started... .



A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....