Beginning scene of a story I'm writing, feedback appreciated!

Hey guys, I started writing a starter for my first attempt at a LIT story, I'm pretty sure I know what I want the story to be about, but any suggestions would be greatly appreciated as I kind've suck. Positivity, yay! Enjoy!

It's always the same, a lonely Friday night, I sit balanced almost precariously on the end of my bed, naked, it seems... better, that way. Almost as if someone's watching me, somebody I want to please, I'm not just playing with myself, I'm... arousing somebody else, too, somebody different, somebody who wants to give me more than a brief scene in bed and an overly dramatic break up. Always the same, getting home from university, wet, from one of a million different places, the unnaturally hot Social Studies professor, remembering my brief stint with one of the boys sitting a row away from me, or, if I'm desperate enough, porn that I looked up on my phone in my lunch break. Once I even masturbated on campus, in one of the toilet cubicles, I'm not proud of that, I'm not proud of anything sexual I've ever done.It's not just because my parents are religious types who claim that 19 years old is too young for such "devilish" things, but because I've had sex with six men so far, and every single one left me less than a month later.

I'm not, unlikable, am I? All six men asked me out, completely of their own accord, I have long, blonde hair, a well developed chest and , as shameful as it may be, you can probably have me in your bed for a car ride and some cheap wine. Nethertheless, here I am, again, masturbating,the stimulation beginning to push the more depressing thoughts from my mind and replace them with more sexual thoughts; the idea that somebody might be watching, and enjoying, the scene. Maybe even a few submissive thoughts, the idea of putting on a show for them, purely for their pleasure, not for mine, being ordered to cum for this perfect person. I want someone who treats me like dirt, full of orders and harsh words, but makes sure I know he cares for me, deep down. I've never been in a BDSM style relationship, I'd like to, but that usually involves a relationship lasting longer than a few weeks so, no luck there.

I push the thought away, and concentrate on finishing myself off. I'm not too far from an orgasm, I can tell, the juices coming thick and fast from the lining of my softly stimulated pussy. The mysterious watching figure comes back into my mind and, as I quite often do, I make it more interesting for him; responding to the burning sensation in my pussy by punctuating the slow brushes and rubs of my fingertips with loud groans. "I'm going to cum" I moan, to no one in particular, "oh, oh, OH, I'm cumming! Faster! I'm cumming!" I curse myself later for being so literal, sounding so stupid, but for now I'm content to let my moans of pleasure echo throughout the room as I reach my climax, blinding waves of warm pleasure blasting through me, a reward for my noble efforts. A half-minute later I'm led spread-eagled on the bed, my heart rate returning to normal as the effects of the pure sexual ecstasy I've became so addicted to wear off and leave behind a mix of exhaustion, happiness and shame.

I get that you're writing in a "stream of consciousness" style, but the excessive use of commas when other punctuation would work better makes it hard for me to take the story seriously. I would personally prefer to see those massive run-on sentences chopped up and pared down.

Also, numbers ten and under (at least) should be written out: six instead of 6 and so on.

I'll make the changes and keep that in mind, thanks!

EDIT: Updated OP with suggested changes

One thing: spell out your numbers. Six men, nineteen years old, etc. Slyc was right about spelling out things under ten, but I think the official guide might even be one hundred. You don't have to do this for addresses, phone numbers, etc., but for this more casual use, you should spell them out.

Without knowing where you feel the story will go, it's hard to advise anything. What you have here is fine, and nothing out of the ordinary on this site.

Is the narrator exploring something? Learning something? So far she just seems like someone's fantasy -- a young, previously-sheltered girl who is becoming enamored of sex. And not just that, a submissive slut who will do anything. Nothing wrong with that, though; this site is about fantasy, after all. But she's not terribly interesting. Speaking for myself, I have no interest in her or what happens to her. This is fine as a stroke story, but if you were aiming for more, you'll have to develop the character more.

Okay great! The number thing's sorted (Thanks for the tip) and I'll work on developing her character more when I write more of this. Thanks for the help, guys!

PennLady said:

I think the official guide might even be one hundred. You don't have to do this for addresses, phone numbers, etc.,

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Yep..

A tip:

Keep in mind I don't claim to be a great writer or anything.

But one thing that's always helped me is to write a story in sort of an essay format. Meaning, each paragraph is its own topic, generally speaking.

This makes the story easier to read in my opinion.

SO if you're looking for feedback, one thing you could possibly do is to break things up a little more so that each idea is separated into its own paragraph.

Other than that, nice job.

Nope, commercial fiction doesn't require nonfiction-type paragraphs, with topic sentences and all. It's more of a rhythm "thing," and, especially for online reading, short paragraphs. A nonfiction style reads very stilted in fiction.

I'm going to be childish and say DAAAAAAYM CONTROVERSY!

TheMalevolence said:

I'm going to be childish and say DAAAAAAYM CONTROVERSY!

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Not really. HeyAll was saying what works for them. Everyone has or develops their own way of working. Some like outlines for everything, some don't and some are in between. Some take weeks to write a story, others can get one out in hours if the muse strikes and they have the time. And sometimes you need to try this and then that to see what works for you.

Hmmm, likeable because she is blonde, has a chest and is easy. Sounds like the perfect girl, from a guy's point of view. Stories where you just put words on paper so you can get to the sex are boring. The beginning is so clumsy, I just skimmed over it...and it made no difference to the story. I thought the character was male until you mentioned it was a her in paragraph 2. "Juices coming thick and fast from her lining". Sounds like a heavy period. I am not sure who your audience is, men or women, but there is no character development, no emotion, she is just doing this and that. Any guy can have her for a car ride and some cheap wine, ok, it's fine if you want to make her easy, but why should we care? Who cares if she has had bad breakups, or feels shame. You have described her as nothing and that is exactly what I felt.

Am I the only one who thinks this woman is a man? Sounds like a man's approximation of a woman. i was surprised further down to discover that she was a woman talking about going out with men. I thought (he) was going to say he was ashamed of being picked up by men. She needs to be a bit softer, a bit more female. I know, I know, stereotype. But hell, we have nothing else to go by. By this I mean you have not created a person but a chariacture.

Edits badly needed, I can help with that if you wish. All those run-ons, all those commas, its daunting.

Iceprincess12 said:

Sounds like the perfect girl, from a guy's point of view. Stories where you just put words on paper so you can get to the sex are boring. The beginning is so clumsy, I just skimmed over it...and it made no difference to the story. I thought the character was male until you mentioned it was a her in paragraph 2. "Juices coming thick and fast from her lining". Sounds like a heavy period. I am not sure who your audience is, men or women, but there is no character development, no emotion, she is just doing this and that. Any guy can have her for a car ride and some cheap wine, ok, it's fine if you want to make her easy, but why should we care? Who cares if she has had bad breakups, or feels shame. You have described her as nothing and that is exactly what I felt.

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THIS.

I agree the breakups and the other character labels you use are all meaningless because they are just labels. Worse, they are idealised male fantasy slut labels which are boring. I disagree that you need to cut these sections. Instead transform these labels into attributes about the character which mean something to the story, and if you can't, cut it. http://www.overthinkingit.com/2010/10/11/female-character-flowchart/

And where is the story conflict? If there are no obstacles to her next fuck then what is point of 2nd paragraph exposition dump? Decide what you want: a story with a purposeful narrative or a straightforward fuck story with a bimbo-slut(hey, this is an erotic website, each option is valid and has a receptive audience). From what I have read I believe you can write a captivating account of a conflicted nymph, but not if you write your story a boring straightforward way.

I think the comments about character from Iceprincess12 and litmlove are helpful (though it is difficult to tell where anything is going from this small a sample), and that in general the comments about formatting and run-on sentences are good to take on board. "You have to know the rules before you break them," as the old saying goes.

The other thing that stood out to me was this:

Iceprincess12 said:

"Juices coming thick and fast from her lining". Sounds like a heavy period.

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Between this, the "burning sensation" (which I'm reasonably sure would be a sign of something other than orgasm in most people) and the moaning-to-no-one-in-particular, I didn't feel like this was written by someone who understands how orgasms work. If you're going to write erotic content from a female POV, I recommend seeking out some published work by female writers and taking a few cues from them.

TheMalevolence said:

It's always the same, a lonely Friday night, I sit balanced almost precariously on the end of my bed, naked, it seems... better, that way. Almost as if someone's watching me, somebody I want to please, I'm not just playing with myself, I'm... arousing somebody else, too, somebody different, somebody who wants to give me more than a brief scene in bed and an overly dramatic break up. Always the same, getting home from university, wet, from one of a million different places, the unnaturally hot Social Studies professor, remembering my brief stint with one of the boys sitting a row away from me, or, if I'm desperate enough, porn that I looked up on my phone in my lunch break. Once I even masturbated on campus, in one of the toilet cubicles, I'm not proud of that, I'm not proud of anything sexual I've ever done.It's not just because my parents are religious types who claim that 19 years old is too young for such "devilish" things, but because I've had sex with six men so far, and every single one left me less than a month later.

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This is poorly written. Commas everywhere, as if you're trying to spill every thought into a single sentence, and a generous amount of haphazard writing. Try to use periods more, if you can. It gives direction and a mental pause to your reader.

This para is haphazardly written. Thoughts are going haywire and you're confusing the readers. Try to stick with a single train of thoughts, and if you have to jump onto a different bandwagon, make sure you join those bandwagons with a coherent line of well-written thought.

That said you have a wee bit of grip towards the end, but your writing style is....I don't know what to say....incoherent? Bizarre? Trying too hard to sound like a female?

I don't know.

I'm not, unlikable, am I? All six men asked me out, completely of their own accord, I have long, blonde hair, a well developed chest and , as shameful as it may be, you can probably have me in your bed for a car ride and some cheap wine. Nethertheless, here I am, again, masturbating,the stimulation beginning to push the more depressing thoughts from my mind and replace them with more sexual thoughts; the idea that somebody might be watching, and enjoying, the scene. Maybe even a few submissive thoughts, the idea of putting on a show for them, purely for their pleasure, not for mine, being ordered to cum for this perfect person. I want someone who treats me like dirt, full of orders and harsh words, but makes sure I know he cares for me, deep down. I've never been in a BDSM style relationship, I'd like to, but that usually involves a relationship lasting longer than a few weeks so, no luck there.

I push the thought away, and concentrate on finishing myself off. I'm not too far from an orgasm, I can tell, the juices coming thick and fast from the lining of my softly stimulated pussy. The mysterious watching figure comes back into my mind and, as I quite often do, I make it more interesting for him; responding to the burning sensation in my pussy by punctuating the slow brushes and rubs of my fingertips with loud groans. "I'm going to cum" I moan, to no one in particular, "oh, oh, OH, I'm cumming! Faster! I'm cumming!" I curse myself later for being so literal, sounding so stupid, but for now I'm content to let my moans of pleasure echo throughout the room as I reach my climax, blinding waves of warm pleasure blasting through me, a reward for my noble efforts. A half-minute later I'm led spread-eagled on the bed, my heart rate returning to normal as the effects of the pure sexual ecstasy I've became so addicted to wear off and leave behind a mix of exhaustion, happiness and shame.

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Much better than the first paragraph. I can see a train of thought which is quite clear. Also love the dark theme that you've set up, which I like immensely in a story.

A few typos I've spotted like "Nethertheless" and other minor shenanigans such as comma use. A thorough readout might weed it out.

Don't know where you're going with this, but it's more than decent except for the first paragraph. You need to work more on that. If I were let free on it, I'd try something like this:

I sit balanced precariously on the edge of my bed, naked. It seems better that way. I pretend as if someone's watching me, somebody I want to please. It's not that I'm just playing with myself, I'm arousing that somebody else too...somebody different, somebody who wants to give me more than a brief scene in bed and an overly dramatic break up.

It's always the same. Getting wet in my uni, from one of a million different places, fantasising about the unnaturally hot Social Studies professor, remembering my brief stint with one of the boys sitting a row away from me, or, if I'm desperate enough, a sleazy porn that I looked up on my phone during lunch break. Once I even masturbated on campus, in one of the toilet cubicles.

I'm not proud of that.

I'm not proud of anything sexual I've ever done. It's not just because my parents are religious types who claim that 19 years old is too young for such "devilish" things, but because I've had sex with six men so far, and every single one left me in less than a month.

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I'm not a grammarian, but I hope you get the drift. Anyway, good luck with your writing.

Bard.

I'd love to give feedback on this snippet, but looks like the OP is absconding.

Oh well...

People who ask for feedback, but then don't respond to it, sigh. I don't care if they disagree or hate it, but I feel like it's a waste of my time, so I skip those people if they ask for feedback again.

Lyerin said:

I'd love to give feedback on this snippet, but looks like the OP is absconding.

Oh well...

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Iceprincess12 said:

People who ask for feedback, but then don't respond to it, sigh. I don't care if they disagree or hate it, but I feel like it's a waste of my time, so I skip those people if they ask for feedback again.

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Relax, Ladies! We're doing one of the most thankless jobs on the forum, so it is to be expected.

The Soulful Bard said:

Relax, Ladies! We're doing one of the most thankless jobs on the forum, so it is to be expected.

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I thought being a sex toy was the most thankless job...hmm, I stand corrected.

He posts a lot though, so it's not like he isn't around. No matter, he won't miss one less person giving feedback.

Iceprincess12 said:

I thought being a sex toy was the most thankless job...hmm, I stand corrected.

He posts a lot though, so it's not like he isn't around. No matter, he won't miss one less person giving feedback.

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Well, I doubt if anyone here would give him a feedback in the future. It has happened before.

The Soulful Bard said:

Well, I doubt if anyone here would give him a feedback in the future. It has happened before.

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You tricked me! I have spent a frustrating minute trying to click on your underlined word. Even looking for other links to click, just in case my ipad is having issues, grrrrr.

The good thing is we are not losing an exceptional writer