Curious about polyamory

I am flirting IRL with a married poly guy. One of my friends introduced us, and knows him and his wife, so I know it's not a cheating husband (one of my bright lines).

Poly people: how did you get into it? How do you manage it - what sorts of discussions and decisions do you and your spouse (s?) make? If you were monogamous before, why did you switch? Does jealousy happen, and how do you handle it? Do you do threesomes?

Tell me all!

RedSilk69 said:

I am flirting IRL with a married poly guy. One of my friends introduced us, and knows him and his wife, so I know it's not a cheating husband (one of my bright lines).

Poly people: how did you get into it? How do you manage it - what sorts of discussions and decisions do you and your spouse (s?) make? If you were monogamous before, why did you switch? Does jealousy happen, and how do you handle it? Do you do threesomes?

Tell me all!

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Do a search ... there have been a few recent threads on polyamory that describe it in some detail and would probably answer 90% of your questions. Happy hunting!

I suggest reading the book 'More Than Two'.

RedSilk69 said:

I am flirting IRL with a married poly guy. One of my friends introduced us, and knows him and his wife, so I know it's not a cheating husband (one of my bright lines).

Poly people: how did you get into it? How do you manage it - what sorts of discussions and decisions do you and your spouse (s?) make? If you were monogamous before, why did you switch? Does jealousy happen, and how do you handle it? Do you do threesomes?

Tell me all!

Click to expand...

Recent discussion on related topics: http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=1356764

Common discussion topics with my partner:
- safe-sex rules
- "are you OK with me pursuing this person?"
- relationship advice re. other partners ("Hey, do you think X is interested in me?" "I don't know but I can ask them for you?")
- logistics/scheduling because I have a habit of dating time-poor people who live a long way away
- troubleshooting

Jealousy: two different kinds.

One is instinctive jealousy, the sort that makes you feel bad about the very idea of your partner sleeping with somebody else. Some people seem to be hardwired with this; some are socialised into it but can unlearn it; some never really absorbed the socialisation in the first place. A lot of people don't know which of those three they are, until they try it out.

The other is rational jealousy, the sort that happens when your relationship with a partner suffers because of their other relationship/s. I think just about everybody gets that, when things aren't handled well.

I don't seem to get the first kind, but I certainly get the second kind - e.g. I've been very upset when a long-distance partner cancelled on a long-scheduled Skype date because their near-distance partner decided to show up unannounced and demand their time.

Threesomes: have done, occasionally, it's not a common thing. Even when we have three people who are all dating one another, three in a bed can easily turn into two people focussing on one another and one person being sidelined. I've found it easier to do that sort of quality time one-on-one, for the most part.

Thank you, all three, for your responses!

Beyond what's been said already -- IMO, it comes down to trust, communication (don't keep secrets) and scheduling. Seriously, you'll probably need a calendar eventually. Handling multiple relationships, especially at the beginning, is a challenge.

I'd also suggest reading the book Open by Jenny Block. Her situation is not exactly analogous to yours, but it's very well written and deals with a lot of the poly issues. Could also try the classic The Ethical Slut, by Dossie Eason.

Bob_Aganoush said:

I'd also suggest reading the book Open by Jenny Block. Her situation is not exactly analogous to yours, but it's very well written and deals with a lot of the poly issues. Could also try the classic The Ethical Slut, by Dossie Eason.

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Thanks. After consideration, I decided it wasn't for me. Circumstances may change, of course, but I can't see me being a good partner or non-psycho lover in that situation.

RedSilk69 said:

Thanks. After consideration, I decided it wasn't for me. Circumstances may change, of course, but I can't see me being a good partner or non-psycho lover in that situation.

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Good for you; I think a lot of people just jump in without understanding what they're getting into. Better to wait if you decide it's not for you.

Do your homework. There's a lot of questions to ask yourself and your potential partner(s). I second reading Ethical Slut.

RedSilk69 said:

Thanks. After consideration, I decided it wasn't for me. Circumstances may change, of course, but I can't see me being a good partner or non-psycho lover in that situation.

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At least you gave it some serious thought. The next time it comes up, there may be different people involved, or you may yourself be a different person, able to take multiple partners in stride. You never k now.