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Long term Relationships S/D

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KashAlmighty5

Really Really Experienced
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Is there such thing as a loving long consistent S/D relationship? I hear about the lifestyle but I want to know can a couple have a S/D relationship and live happily ever after?? Just want to hear your thoughts
 
You’ll find a longish list of past discussions of D/s relationships on this page of the BDSM Forum Library. The forum library is a terrific resource.
 
Yes.

It's like any other successful relationship. You find someone you like, you talk about interests, goals, bdsm, family, religion, future, what to make for dinner, do you like butt plugs, yada yada.
 
In my relatively short past (about 5 years) of being an active submissive in the lifestyle, the longest relationship I've had was 8 months, and I would sadly say that it was maybe a month or two too long.

Because these types of relationships are so intense, I think they tend to burn hotter than more normal relationships, thus burn out faster.

The average time is usually maybe 2-3 months best guess.

Then again, none I've been in had any established commitments, so perhaps the nature of the players is to bounce around ? I personally prefer a comfortable and stable regular partner to explore with.. there's always new things to try!
 
I've seen D/S relationships that have lasted 15+ years.
It happens but it all depends on the two people.
Got to find someone you can live with as well as Submit to or Dominate.
It's not always about bedroom stuff some people can have fantastic sex and just not go together.
 
sissy has been in this relationship 20+, a full 18 in chastity by Her and the love and sharing is still strong.
 
Happily Ever After is a myth.

There is no such thing as forever, KashAlmighty5. Anyone who tells you there is, is selling something. We are born. We live. We die. The only question is how much of our time and energy we are going to spend (or waste) with someone in between.

Does that sound harsh? Well, perhaps it is a little bit. But, I think it's a relevant point to add to your question.

Whether we are talking about BDSM or not is irrelevant. A relationship is a relationship is a relationship. The rest is just bells and whistles. That doesn't mean the dynamic isn't important to some. Far from it. My point is that the underlying question you pose isn't about the dynamic, but about the relationship.

When two people first meet and "fall in love," there is a strong endorphin rush brought about by the infatuation. As with every drug in the known pharmacopeia, this high too will ebb and flow. It may not even be a fade of the love that causes it, but a titration effect that causes us to get used to the feelings engendered.

Sadly, the world is full of addicts that chase this drug, this endorphin rush, with all the verve and vigor of a strung out heroin addict. They want that good feeling. They want to feel good about themselves. When the butterflies in their guts settle, when they no longer feel a shortness of breath and light-headed, when they don't any longer feel a sense of giddiness at seeing the person, or even just a message from the person, they assume that this is a sign they have fallen back out of love. And they go looking for their next fix. The next person that can make them feel good about themselves.

I was fortunate enough to find and attract the attention of a truly wonderful woman. Throughout our relationship, I was her Top, her Sir, her Daddy, her Master, her Owner, her husband, her lover, her best friend, her roommate, her safe zone... And often the thing that hurt her the most, the worst enemy of her happiness, the source of intense emotional and mental drama and pain.

That is what life is. That is what love is. That is what any dynamic is. That is what it means to stretch a relationship beyond the first short time when it's all endorphins and hormones and try to actually build something real and lasting.

One year, five months, and five days ago... almost twenty-five years to the day after we met... I held the empty shell of the woman who had been my bottom, my submissive, my slave, my pet, my lover, my wife, my best friend,... and yes, the source of some of my worst pain, my worst hurts, my biggest self-doubts.

Happily ever after is a myth. No one lives forever. Nothing lasts forever.

But, yes. A long term relationship is infinitely possible. A long term BDSM oriented dynamic is a possibility. So long as both partners are willing to approach the roller coaster ride with their eyes wide open, fully prepared to scream in delight through every twist and turn, through every climb and dip. So long as they are willing to commit to making it real and refusing to jump off the ride at some point just because it takes some work to make it work. So long as they both continue to accept that even the worst day with that person in their life is infinitely preferable to the best day without them.

On the other hand, I have also been witness to several relationships that have continued long after the point that sanity's expiration date was long past. But, that's a whole nother barrel of monkeys and not relevant to the question at hand. So, I'll shut the Puck up and cede the floor to someone else, no doubt wiser, to come along and straighten out whatever I've Pucked up.

Any road, peace in your head and heart on your journey, wherever it might lead, and however many dips, bumps, and curves might be along it.
 
PuckIt said:
There is no such thing as forever, KashAlmighty5. Anyone who tells you there is, is selling something. We are born. We live. We die. The only question is how much of our time and energy we are going to spend (or waste) with someone in between.

Does that sound harsh? Well, perhaps it is a little bit. But, I think it's a relevant point to add to your question.

Whether we are talking about BDSM or not is irrelevant. A relationship is a relationship is a relationship. The rest is just bells and whistles. That doesn't mean the dynamic isn't important to some. Far from it. My point is that the underlying question you pose isn't about the dynamic, but about the relationship.

When two people first meet and "fall in love," there is a strong endorphin rush brought about by the infatuation. As with every drug in the known pharmacopeia, this high too will ebb and flow. It may not even be a fade of the love that causes it, but a titration effect that causes us to get used to the feelings engendered.

Sadly, the world is full of addicts that chase this drug, this endorphin rush, with all the verve and vigor of a strung out heroin addict. They want that good feeling. They want to feel good about themselves. When the butterflies in their guts settle, when they no longer feel a shortness of breath and light-headed, when they don't any longer feel a sense of giddiness at seeing the person, or even just a message from the person, they assume that this is a sign they have fallen back out of love. And they go looking for their next fix. The next person that can make them feel good about themselves.

I was fortunate enough to find and attract the attention of a truly wonderful woman. Throughout our relationship, I was her Top, her Sir, her Daddy, her Master, her Owner, her husband, her lover, her best friend, her roommate, her safe zone... And often the thing that hurt her the most, the worst enemy of her happiness, the source of intense emotional and mental drama and pain.

That is what life is. That is what love is. That is what any dynamic is. That is what it means to stretch a relationship beyond the first short time when it's all endorphins and hormones and try to actually build something real and lasting.

One year, five months, and five days ago... almost twenty-five years to the day after we met... I held the empty shell of the woman who had been my bottom, my submissive, my slave, my pet, my lover, my wife, my best friend,... and yes, the source of some of my worst pain, my worst hurts, my biggest self-doubts.

Happily ever after is a myth. No one lives forever. Nothing lasts forever.

But, yes. A long term relationship is infinitely possible. A long term BDSM oriented dynamic is a possibility. So long as both partners are willing to approach the roller coaster ride with their eyes wide open, fully prepared to scream in delight through every twist and turn, through every climb and dip. So long as they are willing to commit to making it real and refusing to jump off the ride at some point just because it takes some work to make it work. So long as they both continue to accept that even the worst day with that person in their life is infinitely preferable to the best day without them.

On the other hand, I have also been witness to several relationships that have continued long after the point that sanity's expiration date was long past. But, that's a whole nother barrel of monkeys and not relevant to the question at hand. So, I'll shut the Puck up and cede the floor to someone else, no doubt wiser, to come along and straighten out whatever I've Pucked up.

Any road, peace in your head and heart on your journey, wherever it might lead, and however many dips, bumps, and curves might be along it.
Click to expand...

Wish I could express myself this well, I know the pain and the confusion of losing someone but I never could articulate myself like this, maybe if I could I would be able to move past it,
Thanks for putting this out there it helps.
 
Wish my wife would have been honest with me then I wouldn't be cheating
 
Last edited by a moderator:
It is no more and no less possible than any other long term relationship. There are no universal answers, especially given that there are no two pairs that mean exactly the same thing by "D/s relationship"
 
Pickit: your eloquent words made my lips smile for the love you shared while simultaneously tears flowed into my eyes with sadness for the loss and pain you endured.

BDSM relationships are personal relationships and they possess what the individuals in those relationships bring to the relationship and the effort those individuals in the relationship exert in order to further those relationships. The same as any other relationship people may be in.

Notice I said BDSM once and relationship seven times. ;-)

I know a couple who have had a DS relationship for over 50 years, my children call them grandma and grandpa.

Love and Kisses

Lisa Ann
 
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KashAlmighty5 said:
Is there such thing as a loving long consistent S/D relationship? I hear about the lifestyle but I want to know can a couple have a S/D relationship and live happily ever after?? Just want to hear your thoughts
Click to expand...

It is possible. We have been together 15 years now. It began as a wild weekend in Vegas, sealing the deal on divorces. (so to speak. ) We played in various combinations with others for a while. Some of those people gave up entirely. Some are now divorced. We have been through a lot. It was a matter of courage, devotion, and sheer will. It can and does happen. It is rare. But, yes, happily ever after exists. You might have to alter, change, or evolve to get there, however.
 
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AnnieLit said:
It is no more and no less possible than any other long term relationship. There are no universal answers, especially given that there are no two pairs that mean exactly the same thing by "D/s relationship"
Click to expand...
This seems pretty much spot on to me.

I guess if you want the D/S dynamic to inform every aspect of your relationship, is that more difficult to maintain than confining kink to your sex life?
 
Mei5ter said:
This seems pretty much spot on to me.

I guess if you want the D/S dynamic to inform every aspect of your relationship, is that more difficult to maintain than confining kink to your sex life?
Click to expand...

If this question was directed at me, then I have no idea - we don't do it outside of bedroom.
 
Hello Annie,

Not aimed solely at you but thank you for answering :)

Same here (well,and a few other places outside the bedroom too...).

The interface between kink and daily life fascinates me. I guess even folding laundry can be incorporated into D/S if you’re that way inclined...
 
Mei5ter said:
Hello Annie,

Not aimed solely at you but thank you for answering :)

Same here (well,and a few other places outside the bedroom too...).

The interface between kink and daily life fascinates me. I guess even folding laundry can be incorporated into D/S if you’re that way inclined...
Click to expand...

Oh, yes, I actually enjoy being allowed to wear just the undies chosen for me for the day and being all "domestic" as part of my chores before a session. Dinner, dishes, laundry, floor cleaning, making desserts.... I'm every wife's wet dream... :D
 
I do believe this is possible, but rare. It requires total honestly and commitment between the persons involved.My own marriage lasted right at 34 years and my husband was more like my owner/Master the entire time. It was a slightly complicated relationship. I was not a "slave" but made almost no decisions and the ones I did make he had final say. I was also a shared wife. Mostly with friends of his, sometimes a prospective client and early on with strangers at times.

I worked as a photographers model doing work for men's magazines, calendars and such. I was also an escort for a few years in Los Angeles and met my husband to be through a mutual friend who was also a client. My husband picked me to marry, I feel because of who and what I was as well as we had similar likes and interests. I am naturally submissive and always have been, plus I was already involved in the LA BDSM scene. Even though he was not in the same BDSM scene, he was a rather Dominant man and used to always being in charge, not just in private life, but also professional life.

I am well aware ours was not even close to being a average relationship, but it works until he passed away. He was 14 years older than me. My point is that I feel in some cases, BDSM relationships, like swingers, cuckold, hotwife, etc or any other culture can work for the long term if the couples are and remain committed and honest with partners as well as their selves.
 
I think it depends. I hope to have a relationship where I can talk openly and honestly about my interests/desires with a sexual relationship that might shift between 'ordinary' and D/S.

However, a friend of mine, married a man she greatly loved who was not a Dominant. He eventually agreed she could meet men outside the relationship to give her what she wanted. But, unsurprisingly, after about 10 years together they decided to go their separate ways.
 
JMO TRUST is the most important factor in any relationship, and IMHO you cant have trust without HONESTY.

The rest can flow from there.

Love and Kisses

Lisa Ann
 
CuteSlaveLisa said:
JMO TRUST is the most important factor in any relationship, and IMHO you cant have trust without HONESTY.

The rest can flow from there.

Love and Kisses

Lisa Ann
Click to expand...

I think in some senses, the trust element in a D/s relationship is amplified - trusting your sexuality to another is a huge step, carrying someone else's sexuality is a massive and precious gift

In some ways, so is any kinky relationship a bigger trust - telling someone that you like x, where x is outside the vanilla norm, makes one vulnerable, so is only something that most people feel free to do if they fully trust the person
 
Having been in several D/S relationships most lasting months, at most. I agree with another poster it seems the nature of the lifestyle sadly. Especially since I'm 30 and wanting to settle down now.

I just recently entered in a D/S with a brand new subbie and to behonest She's got the whole new eager sub syndrome. So i do my best to prevent her from burning out.

We spend just as much time outside of play as while doing play. At times we forget we are even dom/sub for a bit. But it feels right it makes the play even more fun. I believe.
 
My wife

We've been together almost 20 years and I am her complete sub. She completely controls me in every way. Especially in bed.
 
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