Humor Thread

"MARRIAGE"...as explained by kids

1. HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

-You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.

-- Alan, age 10

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-No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.

-- Kristen, age 10

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2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10

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3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8

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4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8

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5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

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-On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10

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6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

-When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7

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-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7

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-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- - Howard, age 8

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7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. -- Anita, age 9 (bless you child )

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8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8
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And the #1 Favorite is ........

9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.

-- Ricky

The Perfect Husband

Anita was in her late thirties and still not married. She just had a hard time meeting men. And the men she did meet all ended up being jerks. Finally, she decided to place an ad in the personals in the newspaper.

Anita wrote: "Looking for a man who wont beat me, wont leave me, and is excellent in bed."

Several days went by and she hadn't gotten a single call. Then, one day she was doing her laundry when she heard a knock on the door. She walked upstairs to answer it. She opened the door and saw a man in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs.

"Can I help you?" Anita asked.

He said, "I am the man of your dreams!"

Anita was baffled. She said, "Excuse me."

"I read your personal ad in the paper and I am the perfect man for you. I have no arms, so I can’t beat you. I have no legs, so I can never leave you."

"But are you good in bed?" Anita asked.

He replied, "How do you think I knocked on the door?"

This Guy Knows Math

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out is window and gave the woman the finger.
"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, And here's why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.
That's 96 miles each day.
Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.
Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.
There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.
That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.
That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day..
Statistically, females drive half of these.
That's 18,000 women drivers!
In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.
That's 642.
According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding.
That's 449.
According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.
That's 98.
And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.
That's 33.
According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.
That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Give her the finger? I don't think so...

Viagra

Grandpa and Grandma were visiting the kids overnight, when Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet.

He asked the son about using one of the pills.

The son said, "I don't think you should take one; they're very strong and very expensive".

"How much?" asked Grandpa.

"$10.00 a pill," answered the son.

"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and I'll leave the money under your pillow as soon as I break this bill.

The next morning the son found $110.00 under his pillow. The son said, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00."

"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma."

You gotta love Mothers

1.My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2.My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3.My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks
as if a tornado went through it."

12 My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've
told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. You weren't born in a barn"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

Men Never Listen

I remember this joke from many moons ago. It's still a good one.
DG


In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.

A nurse noticed his predicament. Sir, she said "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR.

Who would know if he touched them?

He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.

What a nice felling, he thought. Men restrooms don't have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving
pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

"What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.

"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."

MEN NEVER LISTEN!

Honest Face

A lady was on a plane, arriving from Switzerland. She found herself seated next to a nice priest.
She asked him, "Excuse me Father, could I ask you a favor?"

The priest replied, "Of course my child. What can I do for you?"

I have a small problem and wonder whether you could help. I bought myself a new-sophisticated women's hair remover gadget, for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the customs duty declaration limits. As I do not have enough money to pay duty, I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?”

The priest replied, "Of course I could, my child. But, you must realize that being a priest, I can not lie!”

The lady said, "You have such an honest face Father. I am sure they will not ask you any questions."
So, she gave him the 'Hair remover’ gadget, which the priest put under his cassock. The aircraft arrived at its destination.

The priest presented himself to one of the customs officers.

He asked the priest, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

The priest replied truthfully, "Son . . . from the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare."

Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, "And from the sash
down father, what do you have?"

Again the priest replied truthfully, "Son . . .. I have there a marvelous little instrument destined for use by women, but . . . which has never been used!"

Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, " Go ahead Father. Next person, please!"

A little boy goes up to his father and asks: "Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?"

The father replies: "Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for $500,000."

The boy goes and asks his mother: "Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?" The mother replies: "Hell yes I would!"

The little boy returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"

The father then says: "Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal for $500,000."

The boy asks his sister: "Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?" The sister replies: "Hell yes I would!"

He returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"

The father answers: "Okay son, here's the deal: Hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a couple of whores."

Top 17 Country Songs

>> 17. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine
>>
>> 16. It's Hard To Kiss the Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass Out All Day
>>
>> 15. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
>>
>> 14. If The Phone Don't Ring,You'll Know It's Me
>>
>> 13. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
>>
>> 12. I Liked You Better Before I Got To Know You So Well
>>
>> 11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Getting Better
>>
>> 10. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
>>
>> 9. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight
>>
>> 8. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here
>>
>> 7. If I Had Shot You When I First Want ed To, I'd Be Out Of Prison Now
>>
>> 6. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, and I Sure Do Miss Him
>>
>> 5. She Got The Ring and I Got the Finger
>>
>> 4. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
>>
>> 3. Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Were Pure
>>
>> 2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer
>>
>> And the Number One Country Song ---
>>
>> 1. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman, But I've Sure Woke Up
>> With A Few

A Mexican maid asked her boss for a pay increase.

Her boss was anoyed at this and asked, 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'

Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase... The first is that I iron better than you.'

Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband said so.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'

Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband did.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you..'

Wife (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'

Maria: 'No Señora, the gardener did.'

Wife: 'So how much do you want?'

Advantage of Alzheimer’s disease

At 85 years of age, Morris married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Morris should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door.

Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Morris, her 85-year-old groom ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Morris takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Morris. He is ready for more "action" again. Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling.

When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it Morris is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more "action".

Once again they enjoy each other. But as Morris gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age, who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Morris."

Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says: "You mean I was here already?"

The moral of the story: Don't be afraid of getting old Alzheimer’s has its advantages!

One afternoon John was feeling very horny. When he caressed his wife she whispered, “Careful… the kid.”

“Billy, you’ve been inside all afternoon. You need some fresh air. Go on the balcony and tell us about everything you see on the street.

Billy went on the balcony and reported what he saw while his parents had sex.

Billy said, “There’s an illegally parked car. The police truck is towing it away… There’s a group of motorcycles going by…Jenny’s just gotten back with her parents across the way…by the way the Smiths are screwing also.”

Shocked the parents asked, “How do you know that, Billy.”

“Because their son is on the balcony too,” Billy said.

Importance of Walking

My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60..
Now he's 97 years old
and we don't know where he is.

I like long walks,
especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again!

I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing..

I joined a health club last year,
spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there!!!

***Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I do have flabby thighs,
but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years,......
just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND
Every time I start thinking too much
about how I look,
I just find a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave,
I look just fine.

You could run this over to your friends
But just e-mail it to them!

::: Breaking News :::

In 2009 the government will start

deporting all the mentally ill people.

I started crying when I thought of you.

Run my little crazy friend, run!

I Truly Did Not Know This!!!!

Las Vegas Churches Accept Gambling Chips!!!

This May Come As A Surprise To Those Of You Not Living In Las Vegas , But There Are More Catholic Churches Than Casinos.

Not Surprisingly, Some Worshipers At Sunday Services Will Give Casino Chips Rather Than Cash When The Basket Is Passed.

Since They Get Chips From Many Different
Casinos, The Churches Have Devised A Method To Collect The Offerings.

The Churches Send All Their Collected Chips To A Nearby Franciscan Monastery For Sorting And Then The Chips Are Taken To The Casinos Of Origin And Cashed In.





This Is Done By The Chip Monks.



You Didn't Even See It Coming Did You ?

Outrageous Quotes!

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
* Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)


"You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend."
* Yasir Arrafat (On going to war over religion)


"On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars."
* Bruce Willis (On the difference between men and women)


"And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan."
* George Burns


"What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.' "
* Sandra Bullock


"The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire' and the computer will ask, 'Specify type of goat.'"
* Jason Alexander (George Castanza on Seinfeld)


"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
* Sharon Stone


"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do."
* Henry Kissenger (former US Secretary of State)


"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'"
* Arnold Schwarzenegger


"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
* Courtney Cox (Monica on "Friends")


"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
* Tiger Woods


"I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves."
* Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead)


"Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master."
* Rev. Jesse Jackson


"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
* Jack Nicholson

Praise for Tom

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to
express Praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the
podium.

She said, 'I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a
terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed.
The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they
could help him.

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as
they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

'Tom was unable to hold me or the children,' she went on, 'and every
move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a
delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together
the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it
in place.

Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed
uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

'Now,' she announced in a quavering voice, 'thank the Lord, Tom is
out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum
should recover completely.'

All the men sighed with relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked
if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, 'I'm Tom.'
The entire congregation held its breath.
'I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum.'

What do you call a woman in heaven? An angel.

What do you call a crowd of women in heaven? A host of angels.

What do you say when all women are in heaven?

PEACE ON EARTH.


Calm down ladies, it was a joke.
DG

After Christmas Diet

'Tis the month after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.

The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.

When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).

I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,

The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."

As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt---

I said to myself, as I only can
"You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"

So--away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip

Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
"Till all the additional ounces have vanished.

I won't have a cookie--not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.

I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.

I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore---
But isn't that what January is for?

Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet

Father O'Leary meets Bridget Shaughnessy on a street in Dublin.

"Good mornin' to ye, Bridget. How are ye this marnin?"

"Tolerable, Father."

"What ails ye, my child?"

"Me hoosbind Sean and I canna have children. We've been married two years now."

"Faith, 'tis an awful thing. No wee ones in yer home. I'm off to Rome next week, I'll light a candle fer ye."

"Bless ye, Father."

Several years pass, and they meet on the street again.

"Top of tha' marnin to ye, Bridget. How is yer family these days?"

"Oh Father, since we met last I've had three sets of twins, and four more wee ones besides, ten in all."

"How wonderful fer ye, my child. How is yer hoosband these days?"

"He's off to Rome this marnin' Father."

"Why is he goin' there?"

"He's gone to blow out yer fookin' candle."

Two blondes were driving down the road.

The blonde driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working.

So the blonde looks out the window and says, ''Yes. No. Yes. No.''

A guy runs into a bar and says, "Bartender, quick! Give me 20 shots of your best Scotch!"

So the bartender lines up 20 shots of his best Scotch and watches this guy down one after the other.

"Man," the bartender says, "I've never seen anyone drink shots that fast!"

"You'd drink them that fast too if you have what I have," the guy says.

"Oh my God," says the bartender, "what do you have?"

"50 cents."

An old one but funny!

This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. It won first prize.
As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.

What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. you'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. "Love Dolls" come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for "Lovable Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale.

To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door.
"What the hell is that?" she asked.

My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."

"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.

I kept my mouth shut.

"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.

"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.

But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?"

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, hang on!"

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, " Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.

I can't wait until next Christmas.

Dogs And Wives

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, 'If I died, would you get another dog?'

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And last, but not least:
14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

Would you marry again?

A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the woman asked, "Honey, if I died would you get married again?"
The man said, "No dear."

The woman said, "I'm sure you would."

So the man said, "Okay, I would"

Then the woman asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?"

And the man replied, "Ya, I guess so."

Then the woman asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?"

And the man replied, "No, she's left handed." "OH SHIT!"