Fantasy Fiction Feedback Upon Request

Coconut_Joe

Experienced
Joined
Jun 18, 2015
Posts
46
Hello,

I am posting this for any authors that may want concise feedback upon any Fantasy Fiction stories they may be considering or have already posted.

I have long been a very avid reader of speculative fiction, and should be able to give solid concise feedback upon any stories I read.

Feel free to request private feedback otherwise any authors that happen to ask will receive a public review(via this thread).

I may not be the greatest writer alive but when it comes to knowing good fiction, I wager I am pretty good.


Coconut_Joe
 
Hello,

I am posting this for any authors that may want concise feedback upon any Fantasy Fiction stories they may be considering or have already posted.

I have long been a very avid reader of speculative fiction, and should be able to give solid concise feedback upon any stories I read.

Depends what you count as fantasy. I've got a couple in Erotic Horror that might squeeze into fantasy, but not the sword-and-sorcery kind; if that's to your taste, I'd be happy to get feedback.
 
Last edited:
I've started on my first fantasy story. I would consider it cerebral, character-driven fantasy. It's more about the social implications of magic than magic itself. Though I read a lot of fantasy books, I don't read fantasy on LitE so I have no idea how it fits with the expectations of the fantasy readers here. So I would be interested in sharing what I have written so far (6k words) to find out if it sucks or not.

Send me a PM if you are interested.
 
I've started on my first fantasy story. I would consider it cerebral, character-driven fantasy. It's more about the social implications of magic than magic itself. Though I read a lot of fantasy books, I don't read fantasy on LitE so I have no idea how it fits with the expectations of the fantasy readers here. So I would be interested in sharing what I have written so far (6k words) to find out if it sucks or not.

Send me a PM if you are interested.

Hey man feel free to send it to me when you are past the 10 to 15k mark, 6k words in a novel is little more then the introduction.
 
Depends what you count as fantasy. I've got a couple in Erotic Horror that might squeeze into fantasy, but not the sword-and-sorcery kind; if that's to your taste, I'd be happy to get feedback.

I am willing to give it a shot, but no guarantees.
 
Well, see what you think of Wasp of St. Judith's. If you don't like it, at least it's fairly short :)

A bit urban fantasy, a bit horror, not explicit (tbh "erotic" is stretching it except for people with specific fetishes).


Alright, I think I've got it nailed down.

***

Summary

Now, for anyone who hasn't read this, The Wasp of St. Judith's is very much a slow paced story of a man writing down what he recalls of a super natural being before he forgets.

Also worth noting this is not an erotic story, this is short form horror, and pretty good short form horror at that.

***

Feedback

I enjoyed the prose, the slow methodical pace suited this story well, but some transitions are awkward and really destroyed my immersion. The first one is when you jump from the recollections to the present day of the main character (no name given).

It literally took me three read throughs to figure out what was happening there is no warning, no explanation. Nothing. For that little scene to work in my opinion It needed to be the introduction, not in the mid way point.

The second transition that jarred me was how you introduced Henry. I quote

"About Mr. Winstone:"

I hate that in writing so much. It smacks of laziness and a rush job, worst of all it is used so often. I am suppose to be reading a story not a bloody wiki page.

Right here is where I would have stopped reading had i come across this casually. The reasons are, even though I had enjoyed the prose and the characters voice up to this point, I was not invested in his story at all. I don't even know his name.

Now The first paragraph about Henry is something I can't help but hate.

Henry Winstone—professional name "E-String"—hadn't made it into the 27 Club, but he'd given it a good try. He'd had two big hits and a solid album in the mid-fifties, and made enough money to get into bad habits. After that he had a few lackluster follow-up singles, and then he drifted out of the music business and into the bottle. He'd vanished from the public eye for three decades before his wife Maisy, too old to keep on looking after him herself, brought him in to St. Judith's. By then he was sixty-two going on ninety, yellow-eyed and frail, and he'd been with us another eight years since then.

Even though it leads into a section of the story I found quite interesting, the explanation of Koraskoff syndrome and how it applied in his life.

The bio is a paragraph I personally skip, so I can enjoy the story a great deal more. Personally if you got rid of that whole paragraph I think your story would be better served for it. And that "About Mr. Winstone:"


***

The next jarring point for me was not actually a transition, it was your main character acting completely out of the character as you had described him.



"Her intensity had me rapt, and there was something I wanted to say.

"Mel?"

"Hmm?"

"I'd, uh, I really find you attractive. I'd like to go to bed with you." At least the words were out.



Once that happened I was more interested in Henry, than the MC interactions with Mel as they felt hollow and tended to make the story worse for me. :p

***

Overall, I enjoyed the story, It raised a lot of solid questions which you went about tying up in a methodical well practiced manner.

I will say this, the talk of wasp and caterpillars and defining Mels supposed humanity went over my head, not because I was incapable of understanding, but mostly because I just didn't care.

Now I am not sure how many of the things in your story were factual. Personally I hope they are. Like the HeLa cells but in fear that they aren't I am not going to look it up. Because if they aren't my overall enjoyment of the story will have diminished greatly.

There is a lot I like about your story, it just happens to have nothing to do with the story arc itself.

Frankly, I am almost 90% sure she is a muse.

For the sake of arbitrary rantings - 7 out of 10.

I enjoyed it despite that fact I never would have finished it. The problem is I need to be invested in the characters, and it never really happened.
 
Last edited:
Okay before I read anymore into this, is this suppose to be satire or are you being serious?

It's fantasy. You can take your choice.

I was being serious. The inspiration came from a drawing by Luis Royo.
 
It's fantasy. You can take your choice.

I was being serious. The inspiration came from a drawing by Luis Royo.

Okay, what prompted this question was this :

It was locked of course, but for a thief, locks were just an inconvenience. He had it picked and was through it in a few seconds.

There are so many problems with those 2 sentences I had to stop and do a double take, then I stopped reading and asked my question.

Firstly, when someone is being chased it highly increases the probability of mistakes. Secondly, locks are expensive beyond all belief in a society that doesn't have mass production. Thirdly, having a lock on a random door in a random alleyway, is beyond improbable. Fourthly, in a world without assembly lines everything will be different depending upon who made it. Look into early cannons for an excellent example.

Yet by far the most egregious crime here is, he picked a lock in a few seconds? Are you serious!? It takes me longer to unlock a door with the proper key for crine out loud.

Now in all fantasy every Author and Reader goes into the story expecting the impossible or the improbable. Yet, suspension of disbelief only goes so far. WE (the readers) accept Magic, Monsters, Fairy God Parents, but when you take something that is VERY common in our world and well documented, please try to make it at least a little realistic. Or if you can't do any research, give him a magical fucking lockpick, because that was just lazy.

Mind you if your going for a satirical piece different story all together. Playing on such tropes from inexperience or lazy fantasy authors, whichever the case may be, can indeed be quite an enjoyable experience for all parties involved.

Worth Noting - I am afraid I did not finish reading the first chapter nor do I currently plan on finishing it.

Sorry to be so negative, but alas to much fantasy in this fantasy for me. Hope you have a wonderful day.
 
Last edited:
Okay, what prompted this question was this :

It was locked of course, but for a thief, locks were just an inconvenience. He had it picked and was through it in a few seconds.

There are so many problems with those 2 sentences I had to stop and do a double take, then I stopped reading and asked my question.

Firstly, when someone is being chased it highly increases the probability of mistakes. Secondly, locks are expensive beyond all belief in a society that doesn't have mass production. Thirdly, having a lock on a random door in a random alleyway, is beyond improbable. Fourthly, in a world without assembly lines everything will be different depending upon who made it. Look into early cannons for an excellent example.

Yet by far the most egregious crime here is, he picked a lock in a few seconds? Are you serious!? It takes me longer to unlock a door with the proper key for crine out loud.

Now in all fantasy every Author and Reader goes into the story expecting the impossible or the improbable. Yet, suspension of disbelief only goes so far. WE (the readers) accept Magic, Monsters, Fairy God Parents, but when you take something that is VERY common in our world and well documented, please try to make it at least a little realistic. Or if you can't do any research, give him a magical fucking lockpick, because that was just lazy.

Mind you if your going for a satirical piece different story all together. Playing on such tropes from inexperience or lazy fantasy authors, whichever the case may be, can indeed be quite an enjoyable experience for all parties involved.

Worth Noting - I am afraid I did not finish reading the first chapter nor do I currently plan on finishing it.

Sorry to be so negative, but alas to much fantasy in this fantasy for me. Hope you have a wonderful day.

Thanks, I'll take that under advisement.

On second thought, I'm going to add that you're missing a very good and different story because of nitpicking something that is very straight forward. Yes, I know locks very well and i know how to pick a good number of them. Some are hard and some are easier to pick than to open with a key.

You've also assumed the planet does not have mass production. What gave you that idea? As for a random door in a random alley, it wasn't, it was a wall with a door that wasn't there the day before. It blocked his escape route. A preplanned escape route.

Maybe you didn't read as well as you thought.

Anyway, you're missing the best part of the story by stopping at the door. But then again, that's what locked door are for.

Thanks anyway.
 
Last edited:
A literalist reading fantasy? What possibly could go wrong there? :D
 
A literalist reading fantasy? What possibly could go wrong there? :D

Indeed, and I am hardly the first. It is the authors job to maintain there readers suspension of disbelief. With fantasy it is even more important and all the good speculative fiction writers do it.

So when it comes to something like riding a horse, they learn what it actually entails when writing it. Why? Because consistency in what we know will lead to beliveability in what we don't.
 
Thanks, I'll take that under advisement.

On second thought, I'm going to add that you're missing a very good and different story because of nitpicking something that is very straight forward. Yes, I know locks very well and i know how to pick a good number of them. Some are hard and some are easier to pick than to open with a key.

You've also assumed the planet does not have mass production. What gave you that idea? As for a random door in a random alley, it wasn't, it was a wall with a door that wasn't there the day before. It blocked his escape route. A preplanned escape route.

Maybe you didn't read as well as you thought.

Anyway, you're missing the best part of the story by stopping at the door. But then again, that's what locked door are for.

Thanks anyway.

I am glad you are proud of your story and are willing to defend it. You should be it is your baby. But alas it wasn't for me as I saw many of the red flags that I look for when starting a new fantasy book or story.

The lock picking was merely one that could be based upon fact easily proven by 10 minutes of research and common sense.

I hope everyone else who reads it loves it and then reads it again. Alas it wasn't for me.
 
Well, I guess these guys did fall into your hanging your shingle out on being able assess fantasy despite there being no evidence you know how to write it yourself. :rolleyes:
 
Well, I guess these guys did fall into your hanging your shingle out on being able assess fantasy despite there being no evidence you know how to write it yourself. :rolleyes:

That's kind of deceptive in how that reads. A bad writer can know how to write fantasy or what makes fantasy good, but a who is to say Coconut Joe's opinion/rules of fantasy is the same as everyone else?

A big problem is when you're reading a story based upon giving feedback (at least for me) you start looking for things to point out, which takes away from your ability to just enjoy the flow of the story, exaggerations/errors in technical details aside. Those can be forgiven for a good fun read.

Coco Joe (sounds like a drug dealer) ... Coconut Joe already has visions of how a fantasy world should be ... mass production, assembly lines, etc. ... the world hasn't even been defined yet at this point. (He mentions air conditioner later and galaxy travel) Fantasy is much more than waddle & daub houses. And this story was sci fi/fantasy mix.

Also, the 'beyond improbable' comment is unfair, considering this is fantasy, the thief has been here before & now things aren't what they were. Why is this? Obviously something mystical is taking place.

I would suggest if you are offering feedback on stories, then read the entire story.
 
Thanks for the feedback!

Alright, I think I've got it nailed down.

***

Summary

Now, for anyone who hasn't read this, The Wasp of St. Judith's is very much a slow paced story of a man writing down what he recalls of a super natural being before he forgets.

That's interesting - I never specified the narrator's gender one way or another, but you're the second reviewer to take them as male.

The next jarring point for me was not actually a transition, it was your main character being a sociopath and acting completely out of the character as you had described him.



"Her intensity had me rapt, and there was something I wanted to say.

"Mel?"

"Hmm?"

"I'd, uh, I really find you attractive. I'd like to go to bed with you." At least the words were out.


Er, sociopath? Not seeing it - can you elaborate on that?

Now I am not sure how many of the things in your story were factual. Personally I hope they are. Like the HeLa cells but in fear that they aren't I am not going to look it up. Because if they aren't my overall enjoyment of the story will have diminished greatly.

All of the science-y bits are factual, to the best of my knowledge. HeLa is weird.

Frankly, I am almost 90% sure she is a muse.

Her name is a clue :)

I enjoyed it despite that fact I never would have finished it. The problem is I need to be invested in the characters, and it never really happened.

Fair enough. Usually I aim to characterise my narrators a lot more; in this one I deliberately kept them vague because I was trying to invoke some of that loss of identity that happens when you're crushing on somebody hard. But I can understand it being annoying if you're looking to identify with them.
 
Thanks for the feedback!



That's interesting - I never specified the narrator's gender one way or another, but you're the second reviewer to take them as male.



Er, sociopath? Not seeing it - can you elaborate on that?



All of the science-y bits are factual, to the best of my knowledge. HeLa is weird.



Her name is a clue :)



Fair enough. Usually I aim to characterise my narrators a lot more; in this one I deliberately kept them vague because I was trying to invoke some of that loss of identity that happens when you're crushing on somebody hard. But I can understand it being annoying if you're looking to identify with them.

ahh apologies thought i had edited out the sociopath bit. What had happened was simply that you had gone against what you had previously set out as the characters personality, shy ect.

Anyway, I wasn't annoyed so much as unable to relate. As you said you didn't specify a gender name or anything. We had a faceless voice talking. they weren't a person, they were the monotone narrator at the start of the movie.
As a result I couldn't bring myself to care about there personal plights or problems.

But just to reiterate I did enjoy it, I just didn't give a damn about the POV MC.
 
Last edited:
Coco Joe (sounds like a drug dealer) ... Coconut Joe already has visions of how a fantasy world should be ... mass production, assembly lines, etc. ... the world hasn't even been defined yet at this point. (He mentions air conditioner later and galaxy travel) Fantasy is much more than waddle & daub houses. And this story was sci fi/fantasy mix.

Also, the 'beyond improbable' comment is unfair, considering this is fantasy, the thief has been here before & now things aren't what they were. Why is this? Obviously something mystical is taking place.

I would suggest if you are offering feedback on stories, then read the entire story.

Ahh, well then si fi fantasy mix, those to sentences still bother the crap out of me. But that is my opinion I never stated it was anything else. Picking a lock under pressure in a matter of seconds is ridiculous no matter how you look at it, imo.

Anyway in a high medieval setting the probability of any mechanical lock upon a door is quite improbable. since it is also futuristic, that is no longer relevant. Si fi with magic is what you said it was no?
 
Here's one you might like. Not my usual thing but an idea I had to run with.

A Dance with the Devil

I found this story to be very entertaining. The visual descriptions were great without getting confusing, and the humor was perfect. I'd love to read more about these two characters, and I loved the name Angelic.

For me, the mention of Bio enhancement screamed modern world as did banishment of weapons. I had no trouble slipping right into the fantasy, and greatly enjoyed it.

Thanks for a great story :)
 
That's kind of deceptive in how that reads. A bad writer can know how to write fantasy or what makes fantasy good, but a who is to say Coconut Joe's opinion/rules of fantasy is the same as everyone else?
Coconut Joe's takes are the same as everyone else's. That is by definition true. I am going to guess that he reads heavily in the fantasy genre and can offer advice as to what pleases him. The question is how large of the fantasy readership has a viewpoint similar to his. If you compare his comments and ratings to the comments and ratings the story got, you should have a good idea of where he stands relative to the rest of the fantasy readership.

"The Wasp of St. Judith's" scored a 4.47 and Coconut Joe gave it a 7 out of 10.
"A Dance with the Devil" scored a 4.51 and all 10 comments were positive. Coconut Joe found it not worth finishing.

My take on "A Dance with the Devil" is that is extremely well-written but I think mixing sci-fi with fantasy was a bad choice.

First four paragraphs:
Dan ran down the sidewalk effortlessly, dodging people as he went. Being chased was nothing new. It was a hazard of life for a thief. He wasn't much worried about being caught. Once he was clear of all the people on the busy street, he could and would outdistance anything and anyone. Bio assistance was a necessity in his line of work.

He reached the corner and made a left. The street was empty. His speed nearly doubled and he was at the entrance to an alley in seconds. He made another left to double back on the people chasing him and slowed. The alley was a dead end.

Stopping in confusion, he mentally went back over the map in his head. He was where he should be all right but the alley had changed. Two days before it had been open, now there was a brick wall across it. A wooden door in that wall was the only way out. Going back was not an option.

All his carefully laid plans were beyond that wall. He tried the door. It was locked of course, but for a thief, locks were just an inconvenience. He had it picked and was through it in a few seconds. The room he entered was dark, damp, and warm.
Where is this set? First thought is a modern day big city because of so many people walking on a sidewalk. Then there is the reference to "bio assistance" and his doubling his speed. Sounds like the future. How far into the future? What is chasing him? A cop on foot? A drone? A robot?

Then we get to a locked wooden door in a brick wall. If we are far enough into the future for a thief to have bio assistance for doubling his speed, then a door made of wood should seem really out of place. Is it a futuristic lock or an old-fashion lock? If it is a futuristic lock then no thief on the run is going to get through it in seconds. If is is an old-fashion lock, then the novelty of it should have thrown the thief for a loop.

From there, we get a typical fantasy sword fight against a devil, but with constant references to a futuristic setting. "Folklore devils and demons vary greatly from planet to planet and culture to culture." We are far enough in the future that we have interplanetary travel and the women is wearing leather and fighting with a sword? How do his bio assistances effect the fight? Shouldn't she have bio assistance too?

The fight was good. The sex during the fight was odd but worked. I didn't see any point in the futuristic references as they were illogical and hurt the story.
 
Ahh, well then si fi fantasy mix, those to sentences still bother the crap out of me. But that is my opinion I never stated it was anything else. Picking a lock under pressure in a matter of seconds is ridiculous no matter how you look at it, imo.

Maybe fantasy-world locks are less sophisticated and easier to pick than ones we're familiar with?
 
Maybe fantasy-world locks are less sophisticated and easier to pick than ones we're familiar with?

Or maybe fantasy world locks do the same thing they do here in this world. They keep honest people honest.

I think we're nit picking something that doesn't actually detract from the story in any way. It's not like the locked door ruined the story line, and in fact it could be said that the cosmos wanted him in the supernatural realm, which is why he got through.

Just food for thought :D
 
Back
Top