Chapter five for 'Aaron & Slade' posted!

TrippyLuv

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This chapter deals with the boys' decision to come out to their parents. As a straight person, I never had to come out to my family. So, I would like thoughts on how I handled the situation, and what I could've done differently from someone who had to live through it themselves. Everyone else is welcomed to comment as well. Please be constructive! Some things stood out to me after I’d already submitted the story that I wish I could change or omit altogether. Maybe it’ll stick out to you too.

I always try to respond to comments left. If I have not responded to yours, it’s because I’m working insane hours.

If reading about a gay relationship is not your cup of tea, please I ask that you not read my story!

Thanks! :)

https://www.literotica.com/s/aaron-and-slade-ch-05
 
There is a lot of redundancy here. i will give you an example. this makes your writing very difficult to read. I like the story, I like the characters, but, your story badly needs trimming.

"(The abject) Fear grows (steadily with)in me as we near (the closer we get (back) to) South Hill, (making) my heart pounding faster (with) each passing mile(.), but Holding Slade's hand (the whole drive is the only thing) keeps(ing) me sane. He's the reason (why) I haven't driven (us in) the opposite direction, (and) (hightailed it across the state line) never to look back. (But) I know we have to face the consequences of (us) lying about this weekend.

My only hope is (for) God will (to) answer one of my million silent prayers.

I have thought through (about) every (worst-case)(there can only be one "worst") scenario, (with) each one leading (back) to (my) dad's complete disappointment. (in me.) I can handle (my) dad's (being mad) anger but not his disappointment. (is a whole other ballgame.") avoid cliches like this
 
Thanks!

There is a lot of redundancy here. i will give you an example. this makes your writing very difficult to read. I like the story, I like the characters, but, your story badly needs trimming.

"(The abject) Fear grows (steadily with)in me as we near (the closer we get (back) to) South Hill, (making) my heart pounding faster (with) each passing mile(.), but Holding Slade's hand (the whole drive is the only thing) keeps(ing) me sane. He's the reason (why) I haven't driven (us in) the opposite direction, (and) (hightailed it across the state line) never to look back. (But) I know we have to face the consequences of (us) lying about this weekend.

My only hope is (for) God will (to) answer one of my million silent prayers.

I have thought through (about) every (worst-case)(there can only be one "worst") scenario, (with) each one leading (back) to (my) dad's complete disappointment. (in me.) I can handle (my) dad's (being mad) anger but not his disappointment. (is a whole other ballgame.") avoid cliches like this

This was one of the areas I'd noticed after I'd sent the story for posting. There were a few other's when I mentioned Slade's brothers and sister more than necessary. Other than those instances, how did you feel about the actual scene with the boys and their parents?
 
I love the very first scene in the car when he kisses Slade's thumb. So intimate, very very well done. The scene with the parents is well done. I might have to read it two or three times to decide if dad's timing seems real, I have a bit of doubt about the swiftness of his acceptance, but on the other hand he has no choice. So it needs some thought.

HOWEVER, I think it could and should read much better with a tight edit for verbosity. You don't use a lot of flowery prose but you have a lot of dead wood hanging around that slogs the reader down. That softens the emotional impact to the reader. lots of "and's (run-ons and other deadwood)

Another example: Looking up (and) seeing my dad's face is enough to make me want to turn (and) run away. His mouth opens (and) closes as he stares down at me. He turns walking back into the house with Mr. Jones following close behind him. I think if you say simply "dad's face" instead of "my dads face," it sounds more intimate.

[Seeing (or The look on) dad's face looking down at me, mouth opening and closing, makes me want to run away. He turns back to the house, Mr. Jones following close.]

I turn my gaze to my mother who's smiling. (and) Encouraged, I choose to focus on her but (I) can see Miss April covering her mouth. (out the corner of my eye.) Reaching the bottom (of the) step(s), I let Slade lead me. (up the porch, and) Each of us stops in front of his mother.

All told your story captured me. i haven't read the other chapters, but I may do so now. I love the characters. I wish I had a physical description for Slade (what a great gay name, too, good choice.)

Tighten it up, you are doing great.
 
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Helpful!

I love the very first scene in the car when he kisses Slade's thumb. So intimate, very very well done. The scene with the parent's is well done. I might have to read it two or three times to decide if dad's timing seems real, I have a bit of doubt about the swiftness of his acceptance, but on the other hand he has no choice. So it needs some thought.

HOWEVER, I think it could and should read much better with a tight edit for verbosity. You don't use a lot of flowery prose but yo have a lot of dead wood hanging around that slogs the reader down. That softens the emotional impact to the reader. lots of "and's (run-ons and other deadwood)

Another example: Looking up (and) seeing my dad's face is enough to make me want to turn (and) run away. His mouth opens (and) closes as he stares down at me. He turns walking back into the house with Mr. Jones following close behind him. I think if you say simply "dad's face" instead of "my dads face," it sounds more intimate.

Seeing (my) (or the look on) dad's face looking down at me, mouth opening and closing, makes me want to run away. He turn back to the house, Mr. Jones following close.

I turn my gaze to my mother who's smiling (and) it's encouraging, I choose to focus on her but I can see Miss April covering her mouth out the corner of my eye. Reaching the bottom of the steps, I let Slade lead me up the porch, and we each stop in front of our mothers.

All told your story captured me. i haven't read the other chapters, but I may do so now. I love the characters. I wish I had a physical description for Slade (what a great gay name , too, good choice.)

Tighten it up, you are doing great.


This was unbelievably helpful to me. After reading your thoughts, I get where you're coming from. I'll be more mindful of this when I reedit the other chapters.

Let me add. Aaron's dad isn't totally accepting of his homosexuality. He’s uncomfortable about it. However, he loves Aaron enough he's willing to try to accept this part of his son he never knew existed. For this reason alone is why I chose to go with the scene I wrote between them. In future chapters, you'll see how his dad deals with seeing him and Slade together.

Thank you for your help, robertreams!
 
(Disclaimer: I haven't read the previous chapters, so apologies if I'm missing anything that's clarified there.)

I had difficulty with this section (numbers added):

(1) "I have no idea what to say when I see my parents."

(2) "Play it by ear. Only thing they know is we were at the cabin but nothing else. Let them do all the talking. This will give us the advantage. Hopefully, we can get out of it with as little damage as possible."

(3) Slade snorts loudly before saying, "Aaron, come on. Do you think that's honestly going to work? Your mom knows about us and has probably connected the dots by now. What if she's already told your dad what's going on?"

Reading through this, it looks as if #1 is spoken by Aaron, #2 by Slade replying to Aaron... and then #3 is definitely Slade, but arguing with #2? Is there a line of dialogue missing between #1 and #2? Or if Slade's arguing with himself, that needs to be clearer.

(Or reading on... are they talking about BOTH sets of parents? Maybe this is clearer to somebody who's read the whole thing. Just something to consider.)

One minor nitpicky thing with the pre-coming-out discussions between Slade and Aaron. It felt like the whole discussion was very non-specific. Lots of emotion attached but nothing about tangible consequences. In Slade's position I'd be preoccupied with questions like "What if my parents kick me out of home? What if my dad gets violent to me or my partner?"

Later on you do show those consequences, it's just odd to me that Slade and Aaron aren't discussing them more beforehand - to me this would have made the discussion a little stronger.
 
Thanks!

(Disclaimer: I haven't read the previous chapters, so apologies if I'm missing anything that's clarified there.)

I had difficulty with this section (numbers added):



Reading through this, it looks as if #1 is spoken by Aaron, #2 by Slade replying to Aaron... and then #3 is definitely Slade, but arguing with #2? Is there a line of dialogue missing between #1 and #2? Or if Slade's arguing with himself, that needs to be clearer.

(Or reading on... are they talking about BOTH sets of parents? Maybe this is clearer to somebody who's read the whole thing. Just something to consider.)

One minor nitpicky thing with the pre-coming-out discussions between Slade and Aaron. It felt like the whole discussion was very non-specific. Lots of emotion attached but nothing about tangible consequences. In Slade's position I'd be preoccupied with questions like "What if my parents kick me out of home? What if my dad gets violent to me or my partner?"

Later on you do show those consequences, it's just odd to me that Slade and Aaron aren't discussing them more beforehand - to me this would have made the discussion a little stronger.

Sorry for not responding to you earlier but it's been tough to get in here for the past two weeks. I'm here now and ready to address your concerns.

Looking back, I understand your confusion. I also took into consideration you hadn't read previous chapters to know the first question asked (which is not part of your critique: Are you okay, Jones?) was made by Aaron. Aaron calls Slade by his last name 'Jones'. However, I've gone back to clear this section up for future publications.

You're not being nitpicky at all. What I chose to do was unconventional in the way of the consequences. My thinking was to have them not think of all the ramifications because they were still on the high of having made love for the first time the night before. Slade wasn't thinking clearly. All he knew was he had to tell his parent's. After all is said and done, I wanted Slade to think about those questions in the next chapter when it comes to his family. I'm in the process of reediting this chapter now.

Thank you, Bramblethorn, for taking the time to reply. It’s greatly appreciated!
 
I have thought through (about) every (worst-case)(there can only be one "worst") scenario

I want to say, I didn't read your story - I do want to say a person thinking 'every worst case' is okay. Readers will understand how a character can think that every thing that can go wrong is the worst thing that can happen, because they want everything to go right.

If this was a training manual you wouldn't use 'every worst' but since this is fiction and you want readers to be able to connect to your character, 'every worst' is okay, in my opinion. Like I said, I didn't read it, but sometimes not being technically correct in your wording will make your characters seem more human than not. People in general do not speak like a text book.

As a long time reader of books - not an editor - that is only my opinion. I have no technical editing skills.
 
I want to say, I didn't read your story - I do want to say a person thinking 'every worst case' is okay. Readers will understand how a character can think that every thing that can go wrong is the worst thing that can happen, because they want everything to go right.

If this was a training manual you wouldn't use 'every worst' but since this is fiction and you want readers to be able to connect to your character, 'every worst' is okay, in my opinion. Like I said, I didn't read it, but sometimes not being technically correct in your wording will make your characters seem more human than not. People in general do not speak like a text book.

As a long time reader of books - not an editor - that is only my opinion. I have no technical editing skills.
The point I think you've missed is not about any one particular word but the cumulative effect of all those words to say one simple thing. He could have said he thought through the "worst case scenario", even "every worst case scenario" But: "I have thought through about every worst-case scenario with each one leading back to my dad's complete disappointment in me." It is just too much.

And the writer seems to agree.
 
I don't think I see the big problem with this. There can be a variety of responses to take, paths to go down by different actions, and each of those separate paths can have its own worst-case result/scenario separate from the worst-case results of pursuing some other path and different set of responses. *shrug*
 
The point I think you've missed is not about any one particular word but the cumulative effect of all those words to say one simple thing. He could have said he thought through the "worst case scenario", even "every worst case scenario" But: "I have thought through about every worst-case scenario with each one leading back to my dad's complete disappointment in me." It is just too much.

And the writer seems to agree.

Reading it aloud only the word about makes this read awkwardly, other wise it seems fine. A case could be made the word complete is unnecessary, disappointment would be enough...but

The longer I write and read first person stories the more leeway I am giving them in the reading end of things.

When we are reading first person we are reading a characters thoughts and why would every single character think the same way and think in "proper" English?

Don't get me wrong, if things make no sense whatsoever and it sounds illiterate that's one thing, but as for phrasing...if all characters thought/spoke the same way things would be pretty boring.

Also the MC is younger....meaning they don't think as "properly" as an older character.

I chalk it up to being realistic in a sense
 
The point I think you've missed is not about any one particular word but the cumulative effect of all those words to say one simple thing. He could have said he thought through the "worst case scenario", even "every worst case scenario" But: "I have thought through about every worst-case scenario with each one leading back to my dad's complete disappointment in me." It is just too much.

And the writer seems to agree.

I didn't say it couldn't be written better, I said the character thinking every negative is the worst case is okay.

If the writer agrees, he agrees, I'm not going to tell him he's wrong.
 
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