Another first story thread...

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Apr 29, 2015
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Hello, this is (obviously) my first post, and just wondering if anyone cares to weigh in on whether the start of this story would make you want to read more. Target audience is a guy who's into being controlled by a woman (or anyone who enjoys reading about that).

Thanks in advance -- I'm sure I have much to learn!


You knock on her door. She opens it right away and pulls you inside, closes the door, and pushes your back against it. She puts her hands on each side of your head and looks you straight in the eyes. "Did you wear the panties and plug like I told you to?"

"Yes."

"Good, then stop talking."

She reaches behind you and pulls a ball gag off a hook on the door. "Now open your mouth and turn around." She gags you, then reaches up and grabs a blindfold and covers your eyes. "Put your arms behind your back." She grabs them and bends your arms at the elbows so your forearms are touching each either running across your back. "Stay."

In a second, you hear the unrolling of bondage tape. The sound makes your cock twitch. She starts wrapping your arms together, covering everything below your elbows and binding you tightly. "There, that will make a nice handle," she whispers. Then, she smirks and says, "If you could talk, you might call it an 'oh shit handle' pretty soon. You're in for a ride, honey," and smacks you on the ass.

She pushes you over a few steps and bends you over the dining room table. She pulls your pants down to your ankles and pulls the pink lace boy short panties she told to you wear down to mid thigh. You hear the sound of the tape again and soon feel it circling your upper thighs, squeezing them together. She also wraps it just above your knees. She taps the plug in your ass and says, "Good boy." It's been less than a minute since you knocked on the door and already you've been gagged, blindfolded, stripped and restrained...
 
This isn't my kind of story, but --

I think your biggest problem is that this is written in second person, which a lot of readers don't seem to care for. I will say that it's a true second-person (not an I/you construction), and good for you if you can carry it through all the way.

Grammar and other mechanics also seem pretty good, which is no mean feat.

Good luck with finishing it.
 
Yep, using second person loses a sizable number of readers when the readers get to paragraph five to discover that the "you" reader has to be male. In the next paragraph you lose 80 percent of the rest when they realize that they aren't just being permitted to appreciate that a male character in the story is wearing lace panties but that this character has to be them.
 
Not my cup of tea either, but I don't care for second person.
 
I would stop reading at the first sentence. It might be a well written, interesting story, but I would never get far enough to know with that POV. I might be willing to read about a guy who wears boy short panties when he's told to (doubtful), but I'm never going to imagine myself being that guy.

I scanned it for purposes of this thread. You write well enough that you could choose a POV to frame your story that would interest more readers. Second person takes me right out of the story and I'm done.

rj
 
As has been suggested, second-person is not very popular with most readers. Some authors think writing in that style pulls the reader in; on the contrary, as far as I'm concerned, it makes me feel more like an intrusive voyeur who hasn't really been asked to join the party.

The passage could be just as effectively (if not more so) written in third person limited form. That way, the voyeuristic aspect remains, but it's less intrusive on the part of the reader. I wouldn't feel like I'm reading a story intended for a specific person. I could allow myself to envision the scene as it unfolds, rather like a movie.

As far as the narrative . . . it's rather terse. Very mechanical. There's not much provided to tell the reader how either character feels, or what they are thinking, but that's mainly due to the built-in limitation provided by writing in the second person. You are making the assumption that a person who gets aroused by this sort of scene is reading it, and will therefore interject themselves into the story. A better challenge, from a writing standpoint, is to make a reader who does not normally get aroused by such a scenario understand why the scene would be erotic.

Part of a writer's "job" is to sell the scene. Give us a reason why we should care about the characters, or the story. And on that note, this is just a snippet, not really a story, so it lacks a sense of conflict, a sense of build-up, or any sort of resolution. The assumption seems to be that Person A came to the hotel to be dominated by Person B, and that the essentials of the domination should already be understood by the reader. Unfortunately, in many cases, they aren't.
 
For me, the second person POV makes it feel like half a role play, but the real problem with 2nd POV is that ir gives the writer no chance to make real people out of his/her characters. It feels as if you are talking directly to the reader, therefore you cannot say, "he was in great mental confusion because of his conflicting desires." You can't even say he had a nice fat smooth pink cock. Or her vagina opened like a blood rose. You limit yourself extremely by your choice of lenses. The writer can not even say, "He was 6' 1".
 
Think the others above have already mentioned the pitfalls of using a 2nd person's POV so I'll just skip over it. Aside from that, I'll echo slyc_willie's point on your writing style being a tad mechanical. Perhaps you can try adding in more descriptives, because in an erotica, description is the key to eliciting emotions in your readers. For example, instead of just moving on to the next set of actions after "She gags you, then reaches up and grabs a blindfold and covers your eyes.", you can explore 1) the sensations felt by the narrator (in this case, "you") (you can split said feelings into one's five senses to add a new dimension to the reading experience, especially since "you've" now been robbed of "your" sight), and 2) the thoughts running through "your" mind (e.g. are "you" scared, aroused, tentative..?, what are your thoughts towards said mistress, history of relationship etc). Remember that imagery alone isn't sufficient to heighten the reader to the point of pleasure/arousal, give them a hand (ha ha) in the process by adding more descriptions along the way to better build the world and atmosphere, but still leaving enough space to let the readers' own imaginations run wild.

Good luck!
 
It's very dry. A how to on restraining someone, but there wasn't anything erotic or even emotional about it.

I did laugh when he said "yes" and she said "good stop talking". I guess a 1 word response could be considered chatty for a sub.

There wasn't any conflict nor any hint of any to come, so no, this short passage didn't make me want to read more. Set up some type of conflict to come, something to look forward to.
 
Pilot, isn't this 3rd pov? "She pushes you." "She reaches for a roll of tape." "She taps the plug in your ass, and says, "Good Boy."

Actually, it seems to shift back and forth from 3rd to 2nd and back.

"You knock on her door." is definitely 2nd.

There must be a name for the style in which the OBJECT is always "you"
 
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Pilot, isn't this 3rd pov? "She pushes you." "She reaches for a roll of tape." "She taps the plug in your ass, and says, "Good Boy."

Actually, it seems to shift back and forth from 3rd to 2nd and back.

"You knock on her door." is definitely 2nd.

There must be a name for the style in which the OBJECT is always "you"

No, it's second. To determine for sure, you look for the perspective. These two sentences are from the sensations of the "you": "In a second, you hear the unrolling of bondage tape. The sound makes your cock twitch." I see nothing else contradicting the perspective being that of the "you."
 
Ditto on the "you" not being a great approach.

having said that...

Kudos for writing a story with the woman in control and the man enjoying it.

You're a rare breed here in misogyny central.

Good to know there's a few guys here man enough to enjoy a woman taking the reins.
 
I have a You/I story; it's the lowest ranked thing I have. (I did it as an experiment, and I'm currently expanding it because I want to see if a story in this style can break 4.5.) I discovered what I expected to discover - for the one person in a thousand for whom the You is a close match, the story got rave reviews. I doubt many other people finished it (despite it being quite short).

Of course, you may want that effect - maybe you're looking for people who match the You.

My conclusion was that You/I is more fun to write than read, and only a very few people will enjoy it. You/She just confuses me - who am "I" and why am I here? Why am I looking at some guy with a plug up his ass? The story wouldn't pull me in. Admittedly it wouldn't in any style; I'm just not into the premise.

In addition, it's too mechanical. Replace the characters with two robots and it reads the same. (Mentally add "Beep" after each character statement, and it reads the same only now it's funny because robots doing bondage is instantly hilarious.) Without an "I" there's no simple way to describe anyone's emotional state. No emotional state, no arousal. There *is* a kind of writing where you deliberately exclude all emotional landscape, and then provide descriptions so intense that the reader is forced to "paint in" their own emotions, thus binding them to the action. But that's not happening here.

What it does successfully convey is that you - the author - have a kind of goddess worship thing going on. That again may be your intent, but in general in the stories I like best, the author fades into nonexistence and only the characters seem real. You've done more or less the opposite.
 
Thanks

Sorry for the late response, but thank you all very much for the feedback. It's great to hear opinions and this gives me plenty to work with to improve the story!
 
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