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bigmikey357

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Hi all,
Recently I finished a trilogy on Lit called Dangerous. I posted in the LW category before I knew it was a battleground in there. Anyway, I got a decent amount of views and a few comments on it. My scores are in the low 3'S. I write on this site to improve on my writing so any feedback would be greatly appreciated. Link to the first one posted below.
https://www.literotica.com/s/dangerous-3
 
You kind of lost me in the first paragraph. Putting a synopsis of the story in the beginning killed the fun of discovery. It would have been better to explore the temptation with her.
 
I won't pretend to know much about the Loving Wives category, but stylistically speaking the stories would be easier to read with some breaking-down and a few more traditional paragraph breaks. The loose rule of one paragraph to a thought (or theme) might be useful.

There's more than a hint of noncon in the second chapter, which suggests it might be more at home in that category.
 
(First off, I must say that) I love my husband. I have never cheated on him; I never thought (in a million years that) I'd be one of 'those' women, the ones who have something good yet manage to fuck it up. And he's never given me a reason to stray. (It's just that) But sometimes temptation hits you in a way (that) you (just) cannot resist; no matter how hard you fight (it). (At least) That's (the way it) what happened to me.

I had been on my job for (ten) 10 years. I won't tell (you) where I work or (even) what I look like because (this could fall in the wrong hands and) the last thing I want is to be recognized. If my husband were to (ever) find out what a shameful slut I've been, (it)my life would be ruined (absolutely). However, I can say (there are) a couple of things. (I that. One,) I was a supervisor at an age where most people were (still) struggling out the mail room. Also, despite( some of the) compliments I've received from my male co-workers, I considered myself (to be kind of) average in the looks department. I mean, I felt good about my appearance (and I), always dressing to accentuate my assets. But I never thought I was up there with supermodels. (or anything). (like that) I was merely an attractive woman (who just happened to be) damn good at her job.
---------

1) get control of your pronouns, they come from nowhere and refer to nothing. That, they this, it, these. This group of pronouns are called definite pronouns and must be used only to refer to a single thing, not an entire idea or several sentences. The general rule is: they refer to the closest noun preceding them. Many of your usages of "that" are totally superfluous and change the meaning not at all by their presence.

Forget you ever heard the word "still" unless you mean "unmoving" or "a device for producing alcohol." Same for "just". Use it when you mean "equal" These are not hard fast rules, but overused trite and immature usages that trash your writing.

Never address your reader directly as "YOU". It is a bit like the wizard peeking out from behind the curtain. Try to be more direct. Take up the slack to make the story flow more easily. My changes above are only suggestions (and only reflect a small portion of the story, but the usages I refer to exist throughout). One example I have noted "If my husband should ever find out. . ." "If he finds out" is the same as "if he ever finds out."

Finally, I like the tone you are trying to create of the reluctant woman, caught up in the passion of the moment, but you have her explaining too much, just as you as an author tend to explain too much. Tell us less, show us more.

More later if you wish. Keep writing, keep asking for input.
 
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Every once in a while I'll read a LW story, mainly to see if anyone has written anything other than a burn-the-bitch or cuckold story.

I read the first two paragraphs and stopped. It didn't engage me.The writing seemed good. There were minor mechanical errors, such as missing and misplaced words, but nothing bad enough that would have kept me from reading. I think what stopped me was the POV. I assume you're a male writer. The POV was the wife's. It didn't work for me. I stopped at this sentence: If my husband were to ever find out what a shameful slut I'd been it would absolutely ruin my life.

The sentence probably isn't unusual for LW and is probably a key theme sentence for a lot of readers to keep reading. But as a female reader, the story is going to have to go beyond the usual I'm-a-shameful-slut theme for me to finish a story.
 
Try this one

Every once in a while I'll read a LW story, mainly to see if anyone has written anything other than a burn-the-bitch or cuckold story.

I read the first two paragraphs and stopped. It didn't engage me.The writing seemed good. There were minor mechanical errors, such as missing and misplaced words, but nothing bad enough that would have kept me from reading. I think what stopped me was the POV. I assume you're a male writer. The POV was the wife's. It didn't work for me. I stopped at this sentence: If my husband were to ever find out what a shameful slut I'd been it would absolutely ruin my life.

The sentence probably isn't unusual for LW and is probably a key theme sentence for a lot of readers to keep reading. But as a female reader, the story is going to have to go beyond the usual I'm-a-shameful-slut theme for me to finish a story.

Try my story Magic Mountain. Still in LW but a different kind of story. No cucks or burns in this one.

https://www.literotica.com/s/magic-mountain
 
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(First off, I must say that) I love my husband. I have never cheated on him; I never thought (in a million years that) I'd be one of 'those' women, the ones who have something good yet manage to fuck it up. And he's never given me a reason to stray. (It's just that) But sometimes temptation hits you in a way (that) you (just) cannot resist; no matter how hard you fight (it). (At least) That's (the way it) what happened to me.

I had been on my job for (ten) 10 years. I won't tell (you) where I work or (even) what I look like because (this could fall in the wrong hands and) the last thing I want is to be recognized. If my husband were to (ever) find out what a shameful slut I've been, (it)my life would be ruined (absolutely). However, I can say (there are) a couple of things. (I that. One,) I was a supervisor at an age where most people were (still) struggling out the mail room. Also, despite( some of the) compliments I've received from my male co-workers, I considered myself (to be kind of) average in the looks department. I mean, I felt good about my appearance (and I), always dressing to accentuate my assets. But I never thought I was up there with supermodels. (or anything). (like that) I was merely an attractive woman (who just happened to be) damn good at her job.
---------

1) get control of your pronouns, they come from nowhere and refer to nothing. That, they this, it, these. This group of pronouns are called definite pronouns and must be used only to refer to a single thing, not an entire idea or several sentences. The general rule is: they refer to the closest noun preceding them. Many of your usages of "that" are totally superfluous and change the meaning not at all by their presence.

Forget you ever heard the word "still" unless you mean "unmoving" or "a device for producing alcohol." Same for "just". Use it when you mean "equal" These are not hard fast rules, but overused trite and immature usages that trash your writing.

Never address your reader directly as "YOU". It is a bit like the wizard peeking out from behind the curtain. Try to be more direct. Take up the slack to make the story flow more easily. My changes above are only suggestions (and only reflect a small portion of the story, but the usages I refer to exist throughout). One example I have noted "If my husband should ever find out. . ." "If he finds out" is the same as "if he ever finds out."

Finally, I like the tone you are trying to create of the reluctant woman, caught up in the passion of the moment, but you have her explaining too much, just as you as an author tend to explain too much. Tell us less, show us more.

More later if you wish. Keep writing, keep asking for input.
I'm asking so I will accept as much or as little criticism as you feel like giving
 
oh and by the way

(First off, I must say that) I love my husband. I have never cheated on him; I never thought (in a million years that) I'd be one of 'those' women, the ones who have something good yet manage to fuck it up. And he's never given me a reason to stray. (It's just that) But sometimes temptation hits you in a way (that) you (just) cannot resist; no matter how hard you fight (it). (At least) That's (the way it) what happened to me.

I had been on my job for (ten) 10 years. I won't tell (you) where I work or (even) what I look like because (this could fall in the wrong hands and) the last thing I want is to be recognized. If my husband were to (ever) find out what a shameful slut I've been, (it)my life would be ruined (absolutely). However, I can say (there are) a couple of things. (I that. One,) I was a supervisor at an age where most people were (still) struggling out the mail room. Also, despite( some of the) compliments I've received from my male co-workers, I considered myself (to be kind of) average in the looks department. I mean, I felt good about my appearance (and I), always dressing to accentuate my assets. But I never thought I was up there with supermodels. (or anything). (like that) I was merely an attractive woman (who just happened to be) damn good at her job.
---------

1) get control of your pronouns, they come from nowhere and refer to nothing. That, they this, it, these. This group of pronouns are called definite pronouns and must be used only to refer to a single thing, not an entire idea or several sentences. The general rule is: they refer to the closest noun preceding them. Many of your usages of "that" are totally superfluous and change the meaning not at all by their presence.

Forget you ever heard the word "still" unless you mean "unmoving" or "a device for producing alcohol." Same for "just". Use it when you mean "equal" These are not hard fast rules, but overused trite and immature usages that trash your writing.

Never address your reader directly as "YOU". It is a bit like the wizard peeking out from behind the curtain. Try to be more direct. Take up the slack to make the story flow more easily. My changes above are only suggestions (and only reflect a small portion of the story, but the usages I refer to exist throughout). One example I have noted "If my husband should ever find out. . ." "If he finds out" is the same as "if he ever finds out."

Finally, I like the tone you are trying to create of the reluctant woman, caught up in the passion of the moment, but you have her explaining too much, just as you as an author tend to explain too much. Tell us less, show us more.

More later if you wish. Keep writing, keep asking for input.


I made many grammatical errors with the story. Some of those errors were intentional. I was aiming for making my character mimic a normal speech pattern. Judging from the comment you wrote, I didn't quite pull it off. Thanks for your input, I do appreciate it
 
Every once in a while I'll read a LW story, mainly to see if anyone has written anything other than a burn-the-bitch or cuckold story.

I read the first two paragraphs and stopped. It didn't engage me.The writing seemed good. There were minor mechanical errors, such as missing and misplaced words, but nothing bad enough that would have kept me from reading. I think what stopped me was the POV. I assume you're a male writer. The POV was the wife's. It didn't work for me. I stopped at this sentence: If my husband were to ever find out what a shameful slut I'd been it would absolutely ruin my life.

The sentence probably isn't unusual for LW and is probably a key theme sentence for a lot of readers to keep reading. But as a female reader, the story is going to have to go beyond the usual I'm-a-shameful-slut theme for me to finish a story.

I read the same two paragraphs and it seemed congruent with what I observed over several decades of involvement with patients and subjects. True, most of these folks were criminals and damaged souls, but they came not like spies, but in battalions. Few suffer itches very long.
 
I would say you shot for a below normal speech pattern. Especially since this woman (the narrator) is either writing or telling the story to the world. You would think that she wold clean up her act to tell the world. At any rate, even trying for reality, most people talking are boring. Those listening turn them off after one or two paragraphs. In a story you have the advantage of describing the day or a character, but in real talk if you divert to those points, someone will say or think, "get to the point!" That is exactly where your writing is: get to the point. This thread is to give you suggestions, hints, overall critiques, not edits. The idea is to take those suggestions and criticisms you think are appropriate and apply them to the rest of your work.
 
I made many grammatical errors with the story. Some of those errors were intentional. I was aiming for making my character mimic a normal speech pattern. Judging from the comment you wrote, I didn't quite pull it off. Thanks for your input, I do appreciate it

As robertreams said, normal speaking patterns don't make for good reading. It's one thing to make dialogue, or narration, sound natural. That's different than mimicking it, and I'm not sure you should mimic it. You need the narration to be smooth and coherent and have some flow -- when people talk for real, they go on tangents, they get distracted, etc. Doing that in a story might be okay in spots for effect, but doesn't work for the whole thing.

I can't say much about the story itself; it's just not my thing in general.
 
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