Feedback welcome: Needs

I wrote this a million years ago and have been contemplating getting back into writing like this again. Would love some thoughts.

Needs:

Seduce me
With your eyes
Your lips
Your fingers
As they caress
Your mouth as it lingers over mine
Tongues dancing
Finding, tasting my very essence
A deep, penetrating exploration
Into my soul
To feel you
Your strength
Possessing me
Heart, body, mind, soul
All yours
Laid out
Stretched open
Ready to be taken
Claimed
Take me
Make me yours

http://www.literotica.com/p/needs

I thought it had a little bit of everything. Tenderness, desire, passion, love, gentility, wishful thinking.
Ok, I could go on. It is clear and strait forward expression of feeling, some like it, some don’t. I liked it.

brigihd said:

I wrote this a million years ago and have been contemplating getting back into writing like this again. Would love some thoughts.

Needs:

Seduce me
With your eyes
Your lips
Your fingers
As they caress
Your mouth as it lingers over mine
Tongues dancing
Finding, tasting my very essence
A deep, penetrating exploration
Into my soul
To feel you
Your strength
Possessing me
Heart, body, mind, soul
All yours
Laid out
Stretched open
Ready to be taken
Claimed
Take me
Make me yours

http://www.literotica.com/p/needs

Click to expand...

I hope I don't offend with the following thoughts about your poem. You've asked and I am responding. I don't mean to hurt you or insult you. This is really all about the poem on my screen.

So, now that you're older, is there anything you would change to take this poem beyond being pretty run of the mill? I'm sure with more life experience you are better able to find a new way to place your reader inside the poem. This is a list of tells without any showing. To show your readers what's going on you need to provide imagery that involves their senses and engages their emotions. This merely tells me what your narrator is doing and seeing but not much beyond it.

For instance in the lines: ... Where is your essence hidden? What does it taste like? How does it feel to be penetrated, explored? Why is it deep? In answering these questions you will have a better poem just from those 2 lines than the one here on the page right now.

Of course this is my opinion and I have often been wrong. Sometimes, my ideas have merit and using them to improve your poem will have an added bonus effect of improving all of your writing in the future. Then again, you don't NEED to do anything since this is your poem and you have control over what the finished product is no matter what I think. Thanks for sharing.

brigihd said:

I wrote this a million years ago and have been contemplating getting back into writing like this again. Would love some thoughts.

Needs:

Seduce me
With your eyes
Your lips
Your fingers
As they caress
Your mouth as it lingers over mine
Tongues dancing
Finding, tasting my very essence
A deep, penetrating exploration
Into my soul
To feel you
Your strength
Possessing me
Heart, body, mind, soul
All yours
Laid out
Stretched open
Ready to be taken
Claimed
Take me
Make me yours

http://www.literotica.com/p/needs

Click to expand...

welcome to the forum

now's a great time to look to developing the way you write, brigihd, and this is one of the best places to use to do just that.

ok, my thoughts:

reading through this i can sense the author's passion about the someone this was writen for/because of BUT that makes me feel kind of excluded as a reader since i'm neither of those people.

if you want an outsider to connect with this kind of material, it's good to draw them in by allowing them to 'become' part of the poem - either the voice of the narrator or to let them feel as if they are the person being addressed. often the words you/your can frame things, but there's more to it. when there are distractions like overused phrases, a lack of metaphor or weak imagery, then using 'you/your/i/me/us' simply isn't enough.

as champs has clearly pointed out, it's about taking things to the next level now. by that i mean you have here 'what you want to say but not the how you want to say it'. there's nothing wrong with being straightforward, and your poem reads like a list of needs, but there's always another level to be accessed as you develop. You've some nice sibilance going on here with all the sssssss's, but there are areas of distraction for me. for example:

Needs:

Seduce me
With your eyes
Your lips
Your fingers
As they caress
Your mouth as it lingers over mine
what exactly am i seeing here? i enjoy ambiguity in a poem if it works towards adding dimension but i'm left wondering what i'm seeing which causes a break in the read for me.... are the fingers caressing the 'me' of this poem or the 'lips that linger over mine'? i like the sensuality implicit in the tease of them caressing their own lips, making the N wait, but the line that follows makes me confused - is that what i was looking at or should these 2 lines go together instead?

Your mouth as it lingers over mine
Tongues dancing

with the confusion, i'm getting a weird image of their fingers stroking his own lips with a tongue protuding to 'dance' with the narrator's. it's offputting. if each line was a single 'need', listed as such, there would be less confusion, but since you've chosen to use run-on phrases (that cross from the end of one line to the next) elsewhere it's making me have to stop and think... in a poem like this i don't want to have to do that - i want to feel the needs. careful placement of each line - reading to yourself what comes directly before or after to see how that can colour its meaning/appearance - is really crucial. in a sparsely-worded piece there's no place to hide a cock-up. we've all made them, still do.

Tongues dancing
Finding, tasting my very essence
yeah... understand the intent but the wording makes me cringe. why? seen it used so many times, and the inclusion of 'very' is the biggest cringe-factor. try to explore a better way to say what's really important to you here.

A deep, penetrating exploration
Into my soul
To feel you
Your strength
Possessing me
ok, i've read far worse, but isn't there a better way to show us their strength, change up the cliched 'soul'? like 'tongue on its quest/exploration into my heartland/my deep interiors'? actually, scratch that deep interiors, too bucket-like and we don't want to be giggling about echoes. the point is ''explore'' - explore the wording, how to change things up a bit, side-step the worn phrases, look for the fresh to describe the old old old.

Heart, body, mind, soul
All yours
Laid out
Stretched open
Ready to be taken
ok, further distractions (for me) - laid out/sretched open? has me seeing autopsy rather than open-heart surgery i'm not suggesting this is how anyone other than me might read your poem, brigihd, but giving you feedback about how i saw it might help you see from the perspective of just one more pair of eyes. how important it is for you to eliminate confusion/ambiguity to get across what you really want people to see is entirely your call.


Claimed
Take me
Make me yours

so all in all i failed to connect with this, but that's not to say others won't - i hope you either experiment with this just for practise or bear in mind a few points made for when next writing. of course, you can just shitcan all my advice above all, listen to your gut feeling, do what feels right, and make the poem's own voice more important than your own. wish you good luck.

My opinion, given because you asked for feedback, and in hope that it might be useful:

I'm being told what is happening, but I don't feel anything (there is nothing for me to connect with), nor does it give me insight on how it feels (to the protagonist). It's like I'm reading a letter, and it's not meant for me. There might be emotion in it, in the hand that wrote it, but it is not interesting to me.

There is nothing remarkable about it, poetry-wise. It reads like a short scene, except the writer decided to use a lot of line breaks. The rhythm is awkward, I see no purpose in how the lines are broken. It has a lot of repetitions and needless words. It's not terribly interesting as a scene, it's not a puzzle, it's not something with multiple meanings, there is no metaphor, no play, no references.


Seduce me with your eyes, your lips and your fingers, as they caress. Your mouth, as it lingers over mine. Tongues dancing, finding, tasting my very essence. A deep, penetrating exploration into my soul, to feel you, your strength, possessing me. Heart, body, mind, soul - all yours, laid out, stretched open, ready to be taken, claimed. Take me, make me yours.

Lots and lots of repetitions and unneeded words. What are you trying to accomplish with this poem?

Seduce me.

Ok.

With your eyes.

Seduce you with my eyes? Well, that's a bit of a handicap, but ok.

Your lips.

My lips? *takes hand to lips* Do I have something on them?

Your fingers.

Is there something wrong with my fingers?

No, but seriously, repetitions. Your, your, your. Why are you doing that?

Keep writing. Remember to be aware of each word, and to have a reason why you're doing things in your poem. As an exercise, I'd recommend that you tried to distill your idea for this poem into something shorter. Try removing words, see how many you can remove before it falls apart.

I think it's well written, and i could sense a passion, but i didn't feel it.
The poem neither stirred nor shook me, and as a reader, i need that.
I need a connection. Something to make it still affect me tomorrow.
For me, it was like a thermostat set at 72f. Most find that comfortable, but i need to burn or freeze, just so i can say, fuck!
This is not a criticism, merely it's effect on me, one reader.

brigihd said:

I wrote this a million years ago and have been contemplating getting back into writing like this again. Would love some thoughts.

Needs:

Seduce me
With your eyes
Your lips
Your fingers
As they caress
Your mouth as it lingers over mine
Tongues dancing
Finding, tasting my very essence
A deep, penetrating exploration
Into my soul
To feel you
Your strength
Possessing me
Heart, body, mind, soul
All yours
Laid out
Stretched open
Ready to be taken
Claimed
Take me
Make me yours

http://www.literotica.com/p/needs

Click to expand...

Just passing through, busy afternoon, but saw this and thought I would stop and read and maybe comment...so, here goes:

I think it needs punctuation on a great deal of the endlines. Some of the thoughts flow clearly and/or present themselves for interpretation both as and end of a thought and as an enjambment down and into the following thought.

Others, stall out the reading of the piece and make one think of odd visualizations (My fingers caressing my mouth while we French kiss is a way to seduce you?). I think it definitely has a good core, just needs a bit of clarification and shoring up here and there.

I did like it, though.

brigihd said:

I wrote this a million years ago and have been contemplating getting back into writing like this again. Would love some thoughts.

Needs:

Seduce me.....
http://www.literotica.com/p/needs

Click to expand...

I liked this but...

I counted 15 pronouns, possessive pronouns, and possessive adjectives. Used that much in a short poem, they are "non words." I mean by that they don't say much. That isn't to say they shouldn't be used; they can and should but sparingly. In a poetic sense, they are opportunities missed. For example, the first line, "Seduce me," might have started with a simile or a metaphor such as

"Seduction is
bedroom eyes,
your lips,
and fingers.."

As an aside, I wouldn't have short lines by rote. If the poem sounds better by extending one or more lines, I would. I often thiink of variation on a theme in music as an analogy.

Whenever I see words ending in "ing" in a poem, I suspect the poet is taking shortcuts with verbs, which can play an important part in a poem's narrative, progression, and rhthym.

Your mouth as it lingers over mine
Tongues dancing
Finding, tasting....

However, I thought your use of gerunds was effective and added to the sonics, particularly with how the 2nd and 3rd lines worked well together. That said, (Here comes another "but") "my very essence" didn't say anything. My advice is to use abstractions sparingly as well.

The line, "Heart, mind,...," is a cliché. I suggest you avoid them. You also repeated "soul" within a relatively short period of time. Think about why you may choose to repeat a word. It can be effective for emphasis, but IMO that wasn't necessary because "soul" was subsumed in the cliché, which overshadowed any intended effectiveness in the use of the word.

Some poets don't think much about titles. I do, but that is a matter of style, so this is not a criticism. I just wonder if "Needs" is another opportunity missed because it's another abstraction.

You received a lot of good feedback here, brigihd. Speaking for myself, I think it would be challenging and enjoyable, albeit work, if you took it, edited the poem, and then compared it with the original, and judged for yourself if the edited version is better, whether you choose to post it or not. Ultimately, you should be satisfied with what you write, whether it's the original or not.

brigihd said:

I wrote this a million years ago and have been contemplating getting back into writing like this again. Would love some thoughts.

Needs:

Click to expand...

O
I would love to see your thoughts. Because writing is a huge pain in the ass, isn't it?
Almost as much as reading.
Ignoring the two likes...as nothing much further needs to be done.
At least four people here have thrown some heavy considerations at you, these four are some of the better thinkers here. And thinking is even a bigger pain in the ass than the other two.
Where do you go from here? At least a thank you to all concerned?

greenmountaineer said:

Whenever I see words ending in "ing" in a poem, I suspect the poet is taking shortcuts with verbs, which can play an important part in a poem's narrative, progression, and rhythm.

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Second this comment strongly. Verbals (words formed from a verb that function as a different part of speech) can be very useful in poetry (five of the first six lines of Eliot's The Waste Land include verbals, for example) but they sometimes are a weaker word choice than a more emphatic noun or adjective, or by changing the structure of the line to make the verb active rather than passive:for example, is passive and wordy, whereasis active and punchier (fewer syllables, hence in some way more direct).

However, in the example gm cites

greenmountaineer said:

Your mouth as it lingers over mine
Tongues dancing
Finding, tasting....​

However, I thought your use of gerunds was effective and added to the sonics, particularly with how the 2nd and 3rd lines worked well together.

Click to expand...

I would point out that these are not gerunds. They are, I think, participles, and function as adjectives modifying "[t]ongues."

Here's an interesting and quite clear discussion of verbals distinguishing gerunds, participles, and progressive tense verb phrases.

Also, I think both champ and butters are pretty much spot on in their comments as well. The poem tells me about the narrator's experience rather than allowing me to experience it myself.

Tzara said:

Also, I think both champ and butters are pretty much spot on in their comments as well. The poem tells me about the narrator's experience rather than allowing me to experience it myself.

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I do wonder if brigihd is paying attention.
ps you forgot
Tsotha
never forget Tsotha
all were rather reasonable, and brigihd should be thankful I didn't lay a freudian on this advert:
A deep, penetrating exploration
so to speak

twelveoone said:

I do wonder if brigihd is paying attention.
ps you forgot
Tsotha
never forget Tsotha
all were rather reasonable, and brigihd should be thankful I didn't lay a freudian on this advert:
A deep, penetrating exploration
so to speak

Click to expand...

You're correct; basically all of the comments were thoughtful, which is all any poet can ask for.

I was talking about the ones that basically presaged my own.

twelveoone said:

I do wonder if brigihd is paying attention.
ps you forgot
Tsotha
never forget Tsotha
all were rather reasonable, and brigihd should be thankful I didn't lay a freudian on this advert:
A deep, penetrating exploration
so to speak

Click to expand...

I wrote my comments without reading what butters and champ had said, so as not to be influenced, and after posting mine I saw I was saying pretty much the same thing except for one or two points. I guess it's the rule of three at work.

I didn't post because it's all been said, now all we need is some acknowledgement that it's been read and taken on board