How do you help someone get over being abused

kikmosa,

would it help any if I told you that I have been where you are and i survived...

I know exactly how you feel and I felt that way for a while. until someone said something to me that made a difference...you do have value and worth...because you will be able to do the same thing that i do...speak to this with the voice of experience...

we are the survivors...the ones that no one can say I know exactly how you feel to...unless they have been there too.

never think that you have no value or worth...you can mend..I won't lie and say that it will be easy to do...because it isn't...

you have something invaluable to offer to others and that is the fact that you made it out in one piece just like I did.

let me be the first to say that you have every right to be angry...I started kickboxing in order to work it off...and you know what in the process I have lost over a 100 lbs and have my eye on this black swim suit for next summer...find something to do, walk, swim, ride a bike, any thing for exercise because it increases the endorphins. You will not always be alone and there is someone for you....

do not let the guilt win....if you need me just yell, email is in the profile and I am sending you the yahoo im handle so check your pms....

Ah Yes, I Know it Well . . .

kikmosa said:

That's it. that's exactly how I feel. I can't trust myself so how can I trust anyone else. Even though my abuse started right away and no one there cared, I still feel that I should have know it before he got that close to me. I was just so lonely at the time that the little attention he gave me felt so good. Looking back I can see what I should have then. The possiveness, the times he got angry, the drinking. I guess the drinking didn't bother me so much then though. My father was an alcoholic so I was pretty used to it by then. But I should have seen and I should have run then. But I let his flattery blind me to the truth.
And I feel more then broken. I feel like discarded trash. Why would anyone else ever want me. I'm used up and destroyed. Beyond worthless. If I ever had a value it's long since gone. Now just being near me take value from the other. I hate me. And I's so ANGRY

Click to expand...

Ahhh . . . the alcoholic parent . . . I know it well!! . . . if you grow up in an environment where drinking and the associated chaos is the norm, then that is what you expect of life . . . those are the social mores that you practice . . . you associate with people who have similar crazy behaviour expectations . . . your life becomes set in the value system and behaviour patterns surrounding you . . . it can become self destructive . . .

THEN you get out . . . and see that there are alternatives . . . better alternatives . . . that couples can live together without beating each other up . . . that there are alternatives to continuous degrading practices and harsh comments . . . that most people wear a smile because it feels good . . . that happy people plan to continue being happy in their future . . . that creating my own future can be a very important part of living, and great fun into the bargain . . .

As you mix with these happy people it can feel strange . . . they smile and laugh and really enjoy themselves . . . so different to the home environment . . . can I let go of my past . . . probably not, but you can learn from it . . . in my case, learn that I wanted something better than I had when I grew up. . . I wanted some of the magic, some of the happiness and laughter, the companionship of sharing and taking part in group activites . . . some of the love . . . with time, as my perspective changed, I became like these healthy people, happy, smiling, laughing, pleased to interact with others . . . life became fun!! . . . and just gets better!!!

While I agree with you Don that in some cases of abuse alcohol may play a part, it is not present in all...as to being the child of an alcoholic parent..that is one issue that I, personally, can't address.

I am not sure that being the child of an alcoholic parent plays into the being abused. It may make for someone, who once into an abusive relationship, that will put up with it for a longer period of time or excuse the behavior...

Having said that, to me recognizing an abuser is not possible. They start out like every other person and the abuse is a very slow process. Kikmosa gave a key when she said that he left her because she just didn't scream anymore...it starts small and grows until the abused person feels trapped and worthless...

Every person on this planet has worth...they may not realize it at the present, but it is there. Abused people often feel that others can just look at them and see them as being of no value. Which is not true by the way.

What I would suggest is that they start to form a very small circle of very close friends that they can trust to keep a secret. Usually 2 or 3 is enough and use that support to build from. If they are unsure of their own judgement, then ask for someone else's opinion. At least until they grow to trust themselves again. Abused people also need to be aware that for a long time they are going to look at everyone and see nothing but the abuse potential that the other person has.

Native Alien said:

While I agree with you Don that in some cases of abuse alcohol may play a part, it is not present in all...as to being the child of an alcoholic parent..that is one issue that I, personally, can't address.

I am not sure that being the child of an alcoholic parent plays into the being abused. It may make for someone, who once into an abusive relationship, that will put up with it for a longer period of time or excuse the behavior...

Click to expand...

My father was an alcoholic but he never struck my mother or we kids. He just got silly then got pie-faced. But we did make excuses for him all the time. Hid his condition as much as we could. Mom loved him and we did what we could to help her.

Kikmosa,

Like i said that is about the only way that i can connect the two...is with the excusing the behavior...it, and this is just my personal opinion, would perhaps allow the excuses for the abusive behavior to come a little easier and the hiding of the abuse easier to do.

other than that i really don't see the connection as far as the adult children of alcoholics would be...

Setting Boundaries . . .

Native Alien said:

Kikmosa,

Like i said that is about the only way that i can connect the two...is with the excusing the behavior...it, and this is just my personal opinion, would perhaps allow the excuses for the abusive behavior to come a little easier and the hiding of the abuse easier to do.

other than that i really don't see the connection as far as the adult children of alcoholics would be...

Click to expand...

Hi Alien and Kiki,

I'd agree with the excusing behaviour idea . . . it is a refusal for the person to take responsibility for themselves, perhaps an attempt to return to the "safety" of toddlerhood when in the learning phase, "errors" were excused or even a source of family enjoyment . . . a secure safe time of life, quite naturally.

But when that behaviour is carried forwqrd into adulthood it is inapprorpriate and can cause problems . . . I remember the event where this was brought home to me . . . at the Adelaide Jazz Convention I got totally piefaced at the free bar . . . crossed the Torrens over the middle of three bridges . . . (funny, there was only one when I came in?) . . . and after hanging off the fence of the beautiful Adelaide Oval for a while, was herded back to the digs by some Kiwis. I woke up the next morning and thought I was dead . . . the Kiwis had gone home . . . next year I caught up and thanked them . . . the lady just said, "I couldn't understand how a person could let themselves get so out of control."

The point of this ramble is that we have to define our boundaries with others in terms of the behaviours we will accept from them if they want to be friends, or more, with us.

The circle of friends idea is very sound . . . and I have been fortunate to be included in a group of like-minded positive, forward thinking people who unstintingly share their wisdom and experience.

Don,

How would the abused person know if the abuser is an alcoholic or not? Unless the abuser says so or tells then chances are very good that the abused person doesn't know until it is way to late.

That is a part of the problem, unlike acoholics, abusers change their spots quite easily...they conform to no set pattern by themselves. granted that once you have seen the behavior it becomes more easily recognized for what it is.

Defend the Behaviour Boundaries

Native Alien said:

Don,

How would the abused person know if the abuser is an alcoholic or not? Unless the abuser says so or tells then chances are very good that the abused person doesn't know until it is way to late.

That is a part of the problem, unlike acoholics, abusers change their spots quite easily...they conform to no set pattern by themselves. granted that once you have seen the behavior it becomes more easily recognized for what it is.

Click to expand...

Hi Alien, I accept that . . . and that is the reason that a person has to be prepared to defend THEIR boundaries of what is acceptable behaviour . . . without accepting excuses . . . and if the behaviour persists, then it may be time to leave . . . and start a relationship with somebody new who shares similar acceptable behaviour expectations.

and that is the reason that a person has to be prepared to defend THEIR boundaries of what is acceptable behaviour . . . without accepting excuses . . . and if the behaviour persists, then it may be time to leave . . .

Click to expand...

and that is where the problem lies...usually by the time that it is recognized the abused person's self esteem and self worth are so destroyed that they don't believe that they are capable of leaving...that they can not make it on their own...please remember everyone that i am speaking in general terms here and that there are exceptions to every thing.

the behavior starts slowly and is insidious. it is a very slow process that is progressive. not the actual abuse but the tearing down of another human being...and it is ongoing...if not stopped by someone who cares enough to get involved...

BIG HUGS TO ALL



I'm sorry I'm not here as often as I like but my limits are low at the moment and I still haven't got close to catching up on posts in threads that are important to me.THIS thread being the most important of all.

Hugs to Gil_T,

you be here when you can and when you can't we understand...it really is that simple...

How to help

I have only dabbled in the thread and haven't read all the posts. I have, however, wanted to throw in my two cents since you began the thread, Gil.

First, this thread is important as it is productive versus unproductive. We cannot help abuse victims by giving them somewhere to talk without keeping a an eye on the future. It is easy for a victim to remain stalled in their recovery without having someone assisting them to see that they can have a better life, they are worthy and that the mistakes they have made weren't their own.

Unfortunately, many victims haven't only been physically abused, the mental abuse is far more reaching.
~Isolating the victim from family, friends and community
~Constantly degrading and demeaning behavior toward the victim.
~Convincing him or her that they are worthless and NOBODY else would want them.
~Convincing them that they are physically unattractive and/or stupid.
~Financial control that keeps them home, in the relationship.

It may take months or years, but these sorts of things leave lasting scars and these are the scars that anyone new in their life must apply salve too, use patience, understanding and assist with the healing.

Lit has many people posting who have suffered domestic violence, rape or a variety of other forms of abuse. Why?
Because as they seek to heal, an anonymous ground is a good starting point with someone who's self esteem needs work. Then, as they post here, make genuine friends, find their self confidence, their self worth grows. Eventually, many venture out into the real world to make friends, get a job, heal family fissures etc. I doubt Laurel and Manu knew how important lit could become to some outside of the social banter.

When we talk about people who have left the abusive relationship, they need lots of support, reinforcement and to find their strength from within. We can help by reminding them how special they are and how deserving they are.

Whe we talk with people who are in and out of an abusive relationship....yes, with all that mental abuse going on, leaving and returning is common, we can only apply patience, more support and understanding and strong messages concerning how important they are and their safety is. Helping them to find community supports, shelters, financial assistance adn housing is instrumental.

It is better.
It has to be better.
We all deserve happiness, truly and unequivocably.

Hmmm done with my meandering thoughts for this morning. Be well all.

Re: How to help

MissTaken said:

I have only dabbled in the thread and haven't read all the posts. I have, however, wanted to throw in my two cents since you began the thread, Gil.

First, this thread is important as it is productive versus unproductive. We cannot help abuse victims by giving them somewhere to talk without keeping a an eye on the future. It is easy for a victim to remain stalled in their recovery without having someone assisting them to see that they can have a better life, they are worthy and that the mistakes they have made weren't their own.

Unfortunately, many victims haven't only been physically abused, the mental abuse is far more reaching.
~Isolating the victim from family, friends and community
~Constantly degrading and demeaning behavior toward the victim.
~Convincing him or her that they are worthless and NOBODY else would want them.
~Convincing them that they are physically unattractive and/or stupid.
~Financial control that keeps them home, in the relationship.

It may take months or years, but these sorts of things leave lasting scars and these are the scars that anyone new in their life must apply salve too, use patience, understanding and assist with the healing.

Lit has many people posting who have suffered domestic violence, rape or a variety of other forms of abuse. Why?
Because as they seek to heal, an anonymous ground is a good starting point with someone who's self esteem needs work. Then, as they post here, make genuine friends, find their self confidence, their self worth grows. Eventually, many venture out into the real world to make friends, get a job, heal family fissures etc. I doubt Laurel and Manu knew how important lit could become to some outside of the social banter.

When we talk about people who have left the abusive relationship, they need lots of support, reinforcement and to find their strength from within. We can help by reminding them how special they are and how deserving they are.

Whe we talk with people who are in and out of an abusive relationship....yes, with all that mental abuse going on, leaving and returning is common, we can only apply patience, more support and understanding and strong messages concerning how important they are and their safety is. Helping them to find community supports, shelters, financial assistance adn housing is instrumental.

It is better.
It has to be better.
We all deserve happiness, truly and unequivocably.

Hmmm done with my meandering thoughts for this morning. Be well all.

Click to expand...

Good points Miss T.

Miss Taken,

Thank you so much for putting many of my thoughts into words that make excellent sense.

To many times the fact that alot of physical abuse is only possible because of the mental and emotional abuse that has been on going is forgotten...

I, for one, applaude you...

Miss Taken thanksfor your posting and it depresses me to see so many people who have suffered at thehandsofsomeone who was meant to betheir lover,friend & partner.

Emotional abuse

Unfortunately, many victims haven't only been physically abused, the mental abuse is far more reaching.
~Isolating the victim from family, friends and community
~Constantly degrading and demeaning behavior toward the victim.
~Convincing him or her that they are worthless and NOBODY else would want them.
~Convincing them that they are physically unattractive and/or stupid.
~Financial control that keeps them home, in the relationship.

Click to expand...

I wasn't isolated as such, but lived in a rural area where everyone knows everyone else's business, or thinks they do. Did I want people to know what I was going through? Hell no. So I kept it all in

He did the last three things on that list though....only now I am out of it do I see how thoroughly he brainwashed me. For years I thought I was unattractive, fat and no one else would want me. I had no job and no where else to go, and two kids to think of. He had me right where he wanted me......

It may take months or years, but these sorts of things leave lasting scars and these are the scars that anyone new in their life must apply salve too, use patience, understanding and assist with the healing.

Click to expand...

I have found a wonderful man......he truly loves me sooo much and I love him too.....it's the kind of love that I've only ever dreamed about. He's kind and patient and makes me feel wonderful and we're both so lucky, cos he's been through bad stuff too. We are healing each other

This place has been great.....to talk to other people who've been through similar experiences has been a big help to me......thanks everyone

Re: How to help

MissTaken said:

Whe we talk with people who are in and out of an abusive relationship....yes, with all that mental abuse going on, leaving and returning is common, we can only apply patience, more support and understanding and strong messages concerning how important they are and their safety is. Helping them to find community supports, shelters, financial assistance adn housing is instrumental.

Click to expand...

A slightly different take on this. Yes, in and out, repeatedly, is fairly common. I did it. Shortly after I got out, I partnered professionally for a short time with another male who was in a physically and psychologically abusive relationship. He, too, did the "in & out routine." After two years of listening to the story and giving the same advice on how to get out, he came into my office one day to tell me about the latest round of behavior from the crazy wife. I'd had enough. I looked at him and said "Jack, this on and off stuff is a game you and she seem to play for the amusement of your friends. I am no longer amused. You know what you need to do. And when you are ready to do it, I'll help you any way I can. But until then, I don't want to hear about it."

One of my best friends had made a similar speech to me. Worked both with me and my former partner.

The methods you have described are similar for male and female abusers. The tactics differ, slightly. In my case, and my former partner's, the female abuser decided that reality was no longer acceptable. Both women therefore, having announced that neither I nor my partner made enough money to have any worth, adjusted reality. They spent money that was not there or available and degraded or attacked us when we were unable to make enough money available to support their spending habits. My ex, for example, bought a single dress for $1,100 in the middle of a month where my income was so low that I had only been able to a half house payment.

"Poor thing" sympathy for someone being abused who keeps going back for more of the same does nothing but help the abusee endure the agony. I find myself unable to give sympathy that seems to support keeping an abusee dependent and ensnared. So I won't do it. Any offer of help I have made to an abusee has been conditioned on his getting out, getting his own life, and staying out. To me getting out and staying out means getting out, start using the attorneys to communicate with the ex, filing the necessary legal papers, finding friends to spend yor spare time with, maybe finding a new sex partner. So many abusees keep going back that only affirmative action to end it is convincing evidence of staying out. My former partner "reconciled" with his ex so many times that I finally decided that I'd not be convinced he was out until I saw a judge's signature on a divorce decree.

To also add on to amfig's excellent post there is one other situation that can arise that makes someone a little less eager to offer support. That is the one where you hear only one side of the story and then find out that there really is no abuse. It does happen and yes, it happened to me with someone that I thought was being abused and honestly tried to help.

I finally ask the supposed abuser just what was going on. He was as lost as to why she would lie about something like this as i was. Then we found out why. She was trying to get him to get a divorce. Seems an old flame had recently became single and she wanted him.

Out of the frying pan, and into the fire, as i say.

A big thabkyou to those posting and helping others here.

I'm just sorry my own problems prevent me being here to offer my support.

See you soon

(Bump)

BUMP

Please Understand

We do not ask for pity
Nor sympathy do we want
What we crave is simply
Understanding of what
We have been through

Do not ask us why we stayed
For some there was no choice
For others a hope that one
Day things would change
Still other, dispair and bitterness

Some feel that there
Is nothing else for them
That this is the best
The world has to offer
And hope does not exist

Some have known nothing
Else in their lives but
Pain and humiliation
And believe that is all
There is to be found

And some hold out
Believing the lies
Fed to them daily
That all is done out of love
And for their own good

No matter the reason
Belief, hope, dispair or love
All have one thing in common
We need your help with this
And not your scorn or pity

Kikmosa,

Thank you so much that is beautiful....i am so glad that you posted it here.....it says much of what the rest of us have been trying to say...i at times, have problems getting things to come out the way that i mean for them to be understood....

beautiful Poem

That's a beautiful poem Kiki . . . it is a beautiful world and we can make it as beautiful as we want . . .

Don, I do have a question for you...why is it that you seem to so eloquently say what i am thinking? I do agree with you to a certain extent about our world being what we make it....nothing more, nothing less....

again, i say, thank you Kikmosa for sharing....