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Old 01-18-2018, 01:29 PM   #51
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Lovely story! I love that she did that for you.. She did it for you!

I love to hear your stories, I feel each time you do, those stories give you strength, building a foundation...
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Old 01-20-2018, 12:03 PM   #52
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I was talking to my (almost 80) father last night and he was telling me about a conversation he had with his old school friend, Bill, who'd lost his wife a decade or more ago. According to Dad, Bill told Dad that he might as well resign himself to the fact that he will see and even hear his wife sometime soon if he hasn't already. Apparently Bill had just (the day before?) heard his wife call his name and turned to find her standing there in her wedding dress before she faded from sight.

Now, Dad found this strange since Bill had moved after his wife passed. She had never even been in the house where he lived now.

As usual with Dad it took about ten minutes for me to be able to circle back around to the topic because he'll have a tendency to ramble and take off on tangent after tangent it's difficult to get a word in edgewise without being rude. (See? I come by this shit honestly!)

To me, I didn't think it was at all strange. I couldn't even hazard a guess just how many times I've seen my wife in the last three and a half months. Usually just out of the corner of my eye and she fades when I turn to look at her.

The thing is, I was diagnosed with Parkinson's almost a decade ago. And some research indicates there will be pretty vivid visual and auditory hallucinations eventually. So, I pretty much just figured it was starting. And, hey. I'd a whole hell of a lot rather see her than some of the things in my past. Reliving any one of the three riots I was involved in putting down for example. Cutting down a suicide that hung himself and starting CPR. Well, you get the point.

Anyway, I was extremely interested in what Dad could remember that Bill had told him because it seemed to indicate what I've been experiencing is normal and not actually tied to my Parkinson's.

I don't know that it's related, but I don't know that it's not. However, I had a pretty vivid dream with my wife last night (after that conversation). And in it, she addressed what I'm about to share next.

*****

I actually managed to masturbate a few times a little while back. Which was a pretty big deal for me as I'd long ago been dual diagnosed as co-dependent with a sexual addiction. When my wife was still physically able, we'd been pretty well matched and had what I eventually figured out most people would think was a crazy amount of sex. After she was not longer comfortably able (spinal damage), I would "let off steam" by masturbating a few times per night. Sometimes in her arms. Sometimes in the bathroom so she didn't feel guilty about no longer being able to "keep up." (Her word choice.)

But, I hit a snag.

The gal I was watching a video of (Jenny Blighe) tilted her head with her fingers over her mouth and I freaked as I realized she was the spitting image of my wife back when we first got together.

Well, maybe not exactly. My wife had just let her boobs sag some after kids rather than get silicone to lift them back up. She had two moles under her chin she was semi-obsessed with in case they should happen to have sprouted a hair (oh, God! The horror!). And her left knee had been blown out by a shotgun blast and was a mass of skin grafts and scar tissue. (Hence the eventual spinal damage since that knee no longer could bend after the repairs.)

But, other than that, it was freaky as hell the similarities between my memories of my wife (as well as the few pictures that exist) from when we were younger and this gal.

I couldn't finish that session and haven't been able to attempt again since. Probably stupid, but it kind of feels... maybe like cheating, I guess. Once I stopped and thought about it. In that... I don't know. Dream? Hallucination? Whatever it was, my wife kept trying to tell me it was all right. That she understood. I don't know. I keep thinking it must have been just some wishful thinking since one of her major phobias for the bulk of our time together was that some gal was going to come along and steal me away.

(There really is just no accounting for taste. But, I've thanked God for decades that love really is blind, and maybe deaf and a tad stupid. Otherwise my bride might have figured out she was slumming it with all this fabulousness compared to her looks, intellect, wits, and grace.)

(As for a real partner, I just don't see it ever happening.)

*****

On the upside, I managed to get my Non-Erotic ("What's the point?") Valentine's Day entry up despite some remaining qualms that it's not really good enough to have been shared.

And I'm on to another story (which I'm shamelessly cribbing from responses in my Spreading the VD Cheer thread) that I'm sort of hoping I will get done before the closing date. (This one with some sex. Eventually.) So, I guess that's something.

And, as always, I do thank those of you who have continued to read over my occasional posts when I need to vent. And especially those who have reached out to me here in open forum or in private messages and emails. If I'm at all sane, I think you are probably more than just a small part of the reason.
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Old 01-21-2018, 01:22 AM   #53
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And, as always, I do thank those of you who have continued to read over my occasional posts when I need to vent. And especially those who have reached out to me here in open forum or in private messages and emails. If I'm at all sane, I think you are probably more than just a small part of the reason.
All of us from time to time have needed help, and I am happy to one of the many that have been there for you.
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Old 01-28-2018, 05:12 AM   #54
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Sometimes a quilt isn't just a quilt.

Hopefully I'll be forgiven for resurrecting this once again. But, something has happened that I need to let off some steam at myself.

A long time ago, when she first followed me where we ended up, we didn't have television or much of anything really except two decks of cards we used to play Canasta. (And, of course, the bed we wore out.)

But, I was working and working on my Master's degree and she was sitting around bored since she didn't know anybody, hadn't found a job yet, and was waiting for the new semester to enroll and start her own classes.

So, she started making a quilt to fill in the time.

We got busy with life. You know how it is. Working and going to school. Then working our careers. And, just daily shit. And that quilt more or less got put on the back burner. She would still pull it out from time to time and work on it for a bit before she put it back up in the top of the closet. Usually in the winter months.

Now, when I was little more than knee-high on a grasshopper, my parents taught me to darn my socks and sew a button. But, piecing together and sewing a quilt by hand is pretty well beyond my ken. As was her ability to put together pieces of some of the ugliest fabric I'd ever seen in my life with a couple of others and make it work out.

Any road, she almost finished the quilt before she died. Almost. Not quite. All she had left was just one edge. Maybe a couple of inches of the connecting edge. IF she had done that, it would have been finished.

I don't know why she didn't. I can remember pressing her to work on it and finish it out last winter when it was so cold up in here we had to pile it on top of all of the comforters, blankets, sheets, and towels to huddle under together to keep warm. (At least until she could work up a good hot flash and then it all got shoved over on top of me.)

But, it sort of fits, I suppose. Because I wasn't done, damn it!

When the kids were helping me clear out her things for them to keep or donate, I considered giving the quilt to them. But, I couldn't. I wasn't ready to give up the memories of watching her work on it.

Now, I wish I had.

It does get cold up in here. And I'm not being metaphoric. The windows are cheap, any insulation is pretty well gone, and all we have is a gas wall furnace. A couple of weeks ago, there was a rime of ice on Daisy and the pussycats water dish when we got up.

I don't mind so much. I've always had more problem with the heat than the cold. Let's just say when John fell off some playground equipment and split his head open in "Heatstroked," that was based on a real incident. (Four stitches and all the way to expose the skull if you want to know.)

But, even I have my limits. As we had done, I piled every scrap of bed covering we had on the bed. Including that quilt. With the unfinished side on my side.

And it has been nice. Almost like having her arms wrapped around me as she snuggled up behind me.

But, when I got up yesterday or the day before, I was stepping around the end of the bed (I still can't sleep on her side and stick to my own) and heard a ripping sound.

I cut on the lights and came back to find I had stuck my heel right through one of the pieces and ripped it loose.

I pulled the bed apart and remade it with the unfinished side on her side to protect it. But, now I'm thinking even harder I should pass it along to her son and his wife. Before I fuck it up even more.

And yet...

And yet, I'm still not quite ready to let go of it. Even though it was never intended for me, but originally for her mother and after her passing the children or grandchildren (I think), still I just can't quite keep from flinching when I think of letting it go.

I don't know. I've thought about trying to learn how to repair it and finish it myself. Maybe hang it on the wall or ceiling to display if I did.

But, it just seems to belong on our bed we shared, wrapped around me.

As she left it.
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Old 02-10-2018, 12:57 AM   #55
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Okay, wow.

Maybe I should have been just a little more careful writing "A Final Valentine." While it was inspired by my own love and grappling with my loss, I abandoned my more fact than fiction attempt and broke off into fiction.

However, I may have put just a little too much realism in. Just a day or two ago, I limped my ass down to the tobacco shop I use. As I was sitting on the curb at Nothing Butt Smokes to light my ritual smoke, someone across at Stripes pumping gas yelled "Hey Aaron!" and waved.

I didn't wave back since that isn't my name. Or think too much about until I was a block back up waiting to cross 50th to hit Family Dollar.

Oh, shit! Maybe I shouldn't have described my dazzling fashion sense, not to mention the neighborhood so accurately!

Any road, it was a little cathartic writing it since I did sink a lot of myself into it. (And, yeah. I wrote it mostly at night with the lights out so the lump on the bed looked like her watching me.)

But, it was also highly fictionalized. Specifically, the entire existence of the younger gal who pulls this morose dick out of his downward spiral.

Or, maybe not. Maybe, just maybe, all of you who have responded here or in private through PMs and Email have done for me what "Little Angela" did for "Aaron" and given me a small hope that tomorrow will be a little brighter.

I don't know. Like Aaron, I never was the brains of this outfit.

And, since the contest is closed except for the voting, I've tried taking a little bit of a break. I needed one since some of that brushed a little too much against real wounds. But, I'm back to writing. Mostly, I think, so I'm not sitting around counting out the days to Valentine's. And I'm sinking my efforts into an April Fools tale (the next contest) and trying my damndest to revert to my usual Puckish self.

Thank you, sincerely, for your continued caring and support.
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Old 02-10-2018, 02:07 PM   #56
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PuckIt View Post
Maybe I should have been just a little more careful writing "A Final Valentine." While it was inspired by my own love and grappling with my loss, I abandoned my more fact than fiction attempt and broke off into fiction.

However, I may have put just a little too much realism in. Just a day or two ago, I limped my ass down to the tobacco shop I use. As I was sitting on the curb at Nothing Butt Smokes to light my ritual smoke, someone across at Stripes pumping gas yelled "Hey Aaron!" and waved.

I didn't wave back since that isn't my name. Or think too much about until I was a block back up waiting to cross 50th to hit Family Dollar.

Oh, shit! Maybe I shouldn't have described my dazzling fashion sense, not to mention the neighborhood so accurately!

Any road, it was a little cathartic writing it since I did sink a lot of myself into it. (And, yeah. I wrote it mostly at night with the lights out so the lump on the bed looked like her watching me.)

But, it was also highly fictionalized. Specifically, the entire existence of the younger gal who pulls this morose dick out of his downward spiral.

Or, maybe not. Maybe, just maybe, all of you who have responded here or in private through PMs and Email have done for me what "Little Angela" did for "Aaron" and given me a small hope that tomorrow will be a little brighter.

I don't know. Like Aaron, I never was the brains of this outfit.

And, since the contest is closed except for the voting, I've tried taking a little bit of a break. I needed one since some of that brushed a little too much against real wounds. But, I'm back to writing. Mostly, I think, so I'm not sitting around counting out the days to Valentine's. And I'm sinking my efforts into an April Fools tale (the next contest) and trying my damndest to revert to my usual Puckish self.

Thank you, sincerely, for your continued caring and support.
Big hugs to a man with a big heart. Youíre in my thoughts. Guess I will have to dust off my reading skills and go vote since youíre in the contest.

I have half a Valentineís story around here somewhere. Maybe you will inspire me to write again. Itís been a long hard road.
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Old 02-12-2018, 08:41 AM   #57
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Not a real big fan of mirrors for a while now.

Don't know why, but I was in the bathroom and happened to look up and catch a glimpse of myself. Not my face. My chest. And my built-in fur coat happened to be split just right for me to see something that I'd all but forgotten about.

I have a scar about the size of the tip of my index finger in the middle of my sternum for about thirty-four years or so now.

Rainy days, rainy days won't you go away.
I dunno why, dunno why I been feeling this way.
Look in the mirror, I don't like what I see.


Yeah. I don't know.

All told, I think I'd rather be skydiving.
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Old 02-14-2018, 02:41 PM   #58
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Valentine's Day

She's been gone four months and 9 days.


I did get a dinky little cheesy plastic rose with an LED in it and rinky-dink one dollar box of chocolate to put on her bedtable/shrine. I've got the light in the rose turned on and pointed at the picture from our wedding announcement while I play the song I sang for her at our wedding.

I probably shouldn't have, but I noticed a thread on a forum I don't usually pay much attention to that asked, "How did you meet your wife?" So, I put in our story.

But, I've already been threatened I'll be kidnapped as soon as that friend of ours gets out of work and dragged, probably kicking and screaming, out of here. At least to go to "a real grocery store to get some real food."
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Old 02-14-2018, 03:24 PM   #59
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I may have said this before, but you have a good friend there, Puck.
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Old 03-13-2018, 01:41 AM   #60
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Still banging along

It's been five months and seven days. The Fifth was rough, but that wasn't really a surprise after the last three Fifths rolled over my heart and head.

I'm mostly alright when I've got a story idea I'm working on and fully invested in. It's only when I hit submit on one and start trying to come up with the next idea I feel is worth seeing through to escape into that I struggle. And since I recently submitted Prank War to the April Fools Day contest (which, yes, was intended to be a prank on readers as well [and ha! I can too write short!]), I found myself at loose ends as the next Contest isn't until Nude Day in July.

So, I went fishing for a diversion... and somehow got pranked (or punked) by our illustrious webmistress into leading a gang of adventurers into the Dragon's Lair on Geek Pride Day. Which might be just a bit more of a distraction than I was hoping for.

Not to mention being the party leader makes me feel like I'd damn sure better be able to throw the 20 sided die for my own usually semi-literate effort. Well played, Mistress Laurel. Well played.

But, yes. Between writing (you really don't want to see my recycle bin with all the stuff that wasn't good enough to share), the four-footed ones being pretty constant nags, and all the friendship and compassion offered here in open forum, through PMs, and in my email, I'm still holding on most days despite continuing to miss her just a little less than I would imagine I would miss a lung or limb.

Oh, and of course you are correct Bramblethorn. Christie has been a very good friend.

I admit I was brought up a little short when she brought a small heart-shaped box of candy for me on Valentine's.

But, she went on a vacation the next week to Florida and I laughed my ass off at one particular picture she showed me when she returned. A selfie on the beach with the ocean and clear skies in the background... and THREE hunks close enough together they looked like they were springing from her head. I tried to get her to let me use it for a book cover with the working title "Florida Dreaming," which made her laugh and blush since she has read some of my semi-literate efforts.

Any road, once again I thank all of you for taking the time and effort to read and offer your hands out to me as I struggle on.

May the sun be out of your eyes and the wind at your back for a brighter tomorrow.
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Old 03-13-2018, 04:01 AM   #61
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There are times when you have to try to embrace the good memories and smile. At other times you have to cry and mourn the loss. But you always have to embrace life itself and keep moving forward one day at a time. (((Hugs)))
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Old 03-24-2018, 11:11 PM   #62
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Well, we almost made it.

Throughout, I'd mentioned my father was almost eighty. He'll turn eighty tomorrow.

And, he's been in the hospital for two days now. The first in the cardiac ER.

They say we are never given more than we can handle. Some days I want to see my evaluation since we seem to have very different ideas of just what that is.

But, management is, as usual, too busy to have a word with the grunt in the trench, so I'm soldiering on as best I know how.

And, truth be told, I've been almost expecting Dad to be number three in the old adage about "coming in threes." So, there is that, I suppose. His health was already poor before we each lost our wives within a month. And "broken heart syndrome" or "Takotsubo cardiomyopathy" is a thing.

Of course, when I went up to see him yesterday, the grumpy old cuss started trying to get rid of me within ten minutes of my arrival. He sort of missed out on the fact that I had lots of practice outstubborning my redheaded delicate flower, so I not only hung out for six hours yesterday but another eight hours today.

Although today I took my little sister. And I notice he didn't try to get rid of her until he noticed I was about half asleep in the corner. And then it was for her to take me home.

Cantankerous old coot. We're almost evenly matched.

While I was there alone, before my sister rolled into town, he admitted that when he was arguing that he didn't want to go to the hospital, the nurse practitioner that sent him had pointed out that if she let him go home, he might have a heart attack and die. And he'd mumbled under his breath, "well, that might be alright."

Truthfully, I couldn't think what to say, because I couldn't really argue with him about it. I admit that quite a few times, especially right at first, I felt that way.

But, first I had the animals to look after.

And then I've made some friends through you guys, kooky as that may sound.

So, I don't experience it so much for me anymore. But, I do know what he's feeling that I can't in good conscience argue with him about it.

I do notice however that he didn't mention it in front of my sister. Then again, I made the mistake of getting a little too close to it back in November(ish) in front of her and she tore long bloody strips out of my hide for it. So, hard to blame him for that really.

I gotta admit, though, there are days I think we need to set this shit to some musical accompaniment.

Any road, thank you for those who have stopped by either in open forum, through PMs, or emails. If there is anything sane rattling around behind my eyes, it's only your support that has kept it from withering away completely through this shit storm.

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Old 03-26-2018, 02:03 AM   #63
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Puck,
Sorry to hear you've got another dose of heartbreak. Nothing worse than to be in the midst of something that one has no power over...it must be okay though, right? I mean, it's the way of life and we have no choice except in how we face it and work through it. I know you know all this, but words of wisdom fail me at the moment...I know from what you wrote that you're gonna do all you can to show him that you're love will endure beyond the grave...in the end, it amazes me that love is the only thing that remains.

I really hear what you're saying about being okay when the time comes. I faced that once, and it's not scary. I worried about the ones I would leave behind...but I was just tired of fighting. Obviously, I made it through...but death is a natural part of life, and I just believe it will be more okay than we fear.

Anyway, that's not a very cheerful pick-me-up...just letting you know someone hears you. May Peace be your portion in these difficult days ~ YN
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Old 04-30-2018, 01:54 AM   #64
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Fuck around, but I'm getting really tired of this shitstorm.

But, we've got Dad in his assisted living placement as of yesterday (Sunday) afternoon.

Any road, thanks once more to those of you who have continued to care enough to reach out to me through here, in PMs, or via email.
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Old 05-05-2018, 06:32 PM   #65
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Fuck around, but I'm getting really tired of this shitstorm.

But, we've got Dad in his assisted living placement as of yesterday (Sunday) afternoon.

Any road, thanks once more to those of you who have continued to care enough to reach out to me through here, in PMs, or via email.
Hey Puckit, just wanted to write in and see how you're doing. I've been away for a while. I hope you are doing well. I've had a few ups and downs myself, mostly with my husband's health and family.

My dad is also in an assisted living facility, and he's not doing too well himself. I have been worrying about him a lot myself.

One day at a time....
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Old 05-05-2018, 07:12 PM   #66
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Glad you've at least got a placement for him. My partner's father is developing dementia but refuses to admit there's a problem, and they're still waiting for his retirement home to build the facility he needs. It's hard for everybody and I hope it's not going to take a serious accident :-(
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