Lien_Geller's Story Review Thread.

Glad to see that you are still writing...I enjoyed the Missing Dragon saga and curious to know the next development of part 4. When I began reading the very first part, I was hooked with the story line and kept myself reading until completely done reading. The characters are very intriguing to say the least, and I find the stories very enjoyable to read.
Will Gregory have access to potions that give him the advantage over Orcs during training or battle?
Do you have any plans on other multi-part stories similar to the Missing Dragon?

Enough of the questions your stories are very good, and am looking forward to other stories written by you.
 
I am enjoying this thread, I hope more writers post for feedback.
 
huggiebear213 - Hi there! Wait, what are you doing!? This is my review thread! It's not for talking about my writing. It's for dealing with the many, many people who need help and advice in writing their stories and have come to me for my sage-like wisdom!

*Lien stops rambling for a moment and a ball of dusty tumbleweed slowly bounces past.*

Ahem, ok then, maybe not so many people are interested in the whole wisdom thing. So why not?

Part 4 of The Missing Dragon is still in progress. I haven't abandoned it and I'm still enjoying writing the story, I've just started writing a few other things as well. I've probably written the equivalent of a book already this year, but the writing has been done across different stories and places. I need to knuckle down and focus more!

To answer your questions, Gregory will find the wisdom of Valise very important in dealing with his problems on Arolius. Her potions will help, but they're not all she'll be offering.

I also have about 3 or 4 competition stories in the works, but I'm having trouble getting around to finishing them in time. My slowness is my curse! There's also another story I'm cooking up at the minute that combines a lot of the ideas I've put into some of my other works so far and hopefully delivers them with a little more finesse. Although I'm not too sure when that'll be out. I'm about 150 Word pages into that at the mo' though. So if it ever does get released it'll be a huge read!

Anyway, thanks for the question and I hope to have more stuff out before the Earth gets swallowed into the sun.
 
Going Feet First - Ch.01 by DarkPulse

Been a while since I've done this, so let's lock 'n load. Here's the link.

I'm going to give feedback as I read the story, so anything that strikes me as important will get discussed before I read the rest of the story.

The first thing I notice is that your opening paragraph was boring. I had a problem with this when I started out writing. I sometimes still do! It's classic advice, to open your story with a hook.

"Atop a round table in the middle of a kitchen, a small radio sitting beside a cup of warm coffee softly played an age old piece of classical music."

That's your first line. I'm practically snoring here. A lot of writers start out their stories by trying to set the scene like this. It can sometimes work, with the classic "it was a dark and stormy night" being an example. My advice would be that all good openings to stories pose at least one question that demands an answer. One of my favourite ever opening lines is from The Dresden Files, and it goes something like:

"The building was on fire, and it wasn't my fault."

Immediately we've got action, humour and we're given an immediate urge to read on to find out what the hell's happening. Why is the building on fire? Who is this person that would assume we would think it's their fault? What is the building? Does someone need help? All questions that immediately push you forward into the story.

One of my favourites of my own is:

"Gregory Hopkins had a missing dragon to deal with."

Anyways, the point is that the opening of your story is probably one of the most important parts. After reading your opening section, I'd actually reverse it. Start with the letter, as it introduces us to the protagonist straight away, and makes him the hook. (What was the operation? Who's writing this letter?) Then have his mother put it down with shaking hands next to the folded flag. Maybe she listens to the music whilst she reads the letter again and then starts crying, remembering the men who had come to tell her that her son was gone. Then finish the scene with the mood of the music playing on the table.

That said, the introduction with Galen on the plane was very well executed. You use just enough of the iconography of the Vietnam war without being overbearing and successfully introduce Galen with a real flair for descriptive writing. I had a few technical issues with a few overuses of commas and some clunky sentences. You might want to look into ideas of how to make your writing flow better. It might just be a case of needing a few revision passes but you always want to make your words as accessible as possible. I shouldn't realise I'm reading each word or each sentence, I should be gliding through them and seeing the story itself. Don't panic though, this is a relatively minor issue with you. It was more of a few little speed bumps than any real road hazards. Just something for you to check up on if you want to improve. In fact it's something most writers have problems with, myself included!

Rolling on with the story then, I really like how it's Michael and not Galen who gets the girl in the first place. Galen is seemingly set up to be the protagonist, so it's nice and unexpected. I do have a slight problem with the pace of the relationship between Michael and Mila. The love connection is introduced very quickly. It's not that I don't buy them as a couple in that situation, it's just very fast. Maybe Michael's past experiences within Vietnam combined with the crash made him realise that life is far too short and he's trying to live more in the moment. It'd be a good reason for the character to take that jump. I just feel I need a bit more of a reason to buy into that kind of depth in their relationship from what I've read so far. Don't get me wrong, they're off to a good start. It's just too soon.

Chuffing along, I'm enjoying the brief call back to the real world with the government agents and the vanishing plane. I hope it's a sign that you're not completely ignoring Earth (if you are then it's a pretty redundant scene) and that more earthlings might be on their way.

The meeting with the troll and the elf was great! The troll was quite funny, although you did fall back a bit on some clichés. He made me smile, but wasn't as overtly funny as to be comic relief and not as threatening or scary to be a real adversary. Still, the lighter tone of the scene was a nice change of pace from what has been an intense tale so far. It was also nice to see Galen taken to the elves! The only problem is that you almost immediately make Tanza the more interesting character. Celia almost immediately falls into the background, and since I'm sure that she's the one that's going to be accompanying Galen in the future I suppose that's a bad bit of misdirection. Again, this is a relatively small issue but it's another reason for you to consider pacing a little more in your revisions.

"His member stood high and ready as she lined the tip up with the dripping folds of her snatch."

First time this has stood out to me in the story so far, but careful with word usage being appropriate to tone. That's from Tanza and Galen's first love scene together and I took it as a sort of introduction into sex for him, and an almost reverential experience. Then you just throw the word snatch in there like it ain't no thang. There's nothing wrong with that word, it's just a bit dirtier and maybe lighter than the scene you've decided to put it in. It happens again when you refer to Galen's shlong as his soldier. Again, it'd be fun to do that if the scene were more playful in nature. Keep things consistent in their tone, otherwise it causes immersion problems. (On the other hand it can be fun to shift tones during sex. Something that starts out as fun and playful can turn deep and loving and something that begins as an all out hate-fuck can lead to tender make-up sex. Just don't make the shift jarring.)

Overall this was very good. I'll keep reading and posting up other reviews for the other chapters as I read them. My criticisms here are all relatively small, but I think they're important for improvement. I think that you run into a few pacing issues, and some slight issues with odd looking sentences. A little "less is more" in the technical department might be a good thing to remember. Going forward, I liked both the characters of Michael and Galen and thought that the shift from the jungles of Vietnam into a fantasy world was very well handled. Mila and Tanza were definitely great matches for the soldiers, although I do think that an additional scene or two of getting to know Celia might have been worth it to invest us a little more in that relationship and round her off more as her own character. Tanza seems to have more personality. Still, I'm confident you'll fix that in Ch. 02!
 
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Going Feet First Ch. 02, 03, 04.

So I finished reading chapters 2, 3 and 4 of Going Feet First.

Overall, I enjoyed it. The clunkiness with your sentence structures at the beginning of the story smoothed out nicely. Unfortunately, I did see one growing problem with the storytelling, and that is Celia.

Now this is a story issue, and as such it's open to a lot more interpretation than technical issues. I'm not stomping on Celia's head and shouting "WRONG!" or anything, but she's started to be a bit of a problem. I'll give a bit of a comparison using one of my own stories (The Missing Dragon) and hope you get what I mean.

The problem I have with her started right from the beginning, I mentioned it in my other post that she often gets sidetracked in favour of other more interesting characters. First it's Tanza that basically shoves aside my interest of Celia, then after that you almost immediately send Galen out on an adventure with Petra. It reads like having two false starts to their relationship.

The comparison here with my own work is that I get some criticism for Janette because of similar issues. The difference being that in my story, Janette is (I think) A: Given more personality than Celia, (she shares more scenes with important plot points) and B: Janette isn't the focus of my story.

That last one is really causing some serious dips in my interest of the whole narrative. You get away with it for a while, but when the entire plot of the story seems to become "We need to rescue Celia!", I just don't care enough about her to invest myself in that arc. You haven't defined that relationship enough, and these two characters haven't shown that they love each other to a sufficient degree. Perhaps if Celia had gotten hurt trying to stop the big bad from ambushing Galen, that might have pushed things forward enough in order for me to buy the connection.

To remedy this, I'd show Celia being more of a person in her own right. You wrote three strong female leads in Petra, Mila and Tanza. It's just out and out weird that the seemingly most important character to the plot has barely managed to make any impact on the story other than getting swiped by the bad guys. She's on her own now, so show me why she's worth rescuing!

The second problem I came up on is nowhere near as big as the one I have with Celia, and it concerns a few pacing issues. It's a pet peeve of mine in stories where I'm fully invested and following along with an adventure and the author chooses to start the next chapter in a completely different and irrelevant place on a very different subject. In books I often just skip over those chapters and concentrate on the part of the story I'm enjoying. You run into this issue from time to time as you flit between the ever growing cast of characters.

In one instance, there's almost a chase to find Celia and it's interspersed with chapters from miles away about completely irrelevant things to that chase. The shift in pacing from fast to slow was jarring. I know a lot of published authors do this a lot, but dammit it pisses me off! ^_^

By chapter 4 it does seem like your characters are writing themselves away from you a bit. I might be completely wrong about that, but there are now people all over the place and I'm not sensing any overarching goal (other than find Celia). Keep things a bit tighter, and cut what you don't need. Some of this (concerning Michael and Mila and their tribe) could have been written as a short story separate from the action. I could be wrong about this and you could be a brilliant planner who has everything laid out, but this is just how I'm feeling as a reader by the end of chapter 4 without being able to continue. Also, I should say that the characters you've written are very strong and largely very interesting. You're just struggling with plot issues in some places. Again though, this isn't a huge flaw but rather something I found mildly annoying amidst generally great writing.

Oh, and a final point would be to mention the sex. It's one of the weaker parts of the later chapters. Don't get me wrong, if the age in your profile is correct then by the time your in your 30's and 40's you could be giving Jim Butcher and Pat Rothfuss a run for their money in terms of building fantasy worlds and interesting characters. The problem is that as an erotic story, the sex is a bit flat. It's not horrendous or anything, but you spend pages and pages talking about other (often very interesting) things and then when it's time to get to business it's ten paragraphs and we're done. If you're going to wait that long to give the reader a sex scene, then make sure it's an explosive and indulgent sex scene. There's something to be said about waiting for the right moment, but keep the writing sexually charged with suitable teasing and stolen glances. Describe the attraction.

Honestly if I read your sex scenes in most other stories here I'd probably say they were fine, but looking at other areas of your writing you seemingly put so much more work into them! Don't let the nookie be an afterthought. If I was more readily reminded of what Celia does to Galen and that great attraction shortly after they met (before the village but after the troll) then I might be more invested in getting her back.

Anyways, those were my overall thoughts and criticisms. I still gave the stories 5 stars because they were really good. The problem with really good writers though is that they get judged on a higher level. So don't be put off by anything I've said here. It can all be remedied, and it might not be relevant in some cases. Either way, I hope you found it helpful!
 
Jake's Fortune Ch. 01 + 02

And this is for vWrath on his story: Jakes Fortune. I checked out the first two chapters and here's what I thought.

Firstly, in your second paragraph I see you starting a sentence with the word "and". That's generally considered to be bad form in writing.

"Let's say that masturbation was his forte since he was thirteen. Now he was actually having sex! And with the most gorgeous woman he'd ever laid eyes upon, no less."

That's yours.

" Let's say that masturbation was his forte since he was thirteen. Now he was actually having sex, and with the most gorgeous woman he'd ever laid eyes upon, no less!

That's how I'd fix it.

"Let's just say that masturbation was his forte since he was thirteen. Now he was actually having sex with the most gorgeous woman he'd ever laid eyes upon!"

That's how I'd write it.

The latter one flows much better. It's ok to have commas in your stories, but you seem to use them a lot almost as if you're adding afterthoughts. Some of your commas could also be turned into full-stops.


"In partial gravity though, you had better learn how to leap, it's an amazing sensation to leap through the artificial atmosphere."

That could just as easily be:

"In partial gravity you had to learn how to leap. It's an amazing sensation to leap through the artificial atmosphere."

I'm seeing a lot of unnecessary commas and some turns of phrase that are more suited to conversation than they are to writing. It's almost like a stream of consciousness at times. Hey, if that's how you find it best to get your ideas on the page then that's fine. It just really needs tightening up on your revision passes.

You also very rarely shift in tense from past to present.

""Fine! I'll go see what we're dealing with, okay?" He knew his uncle would say yes.

"Yeah yeah, son. Do what you must."

Like he cares."


That should be: "Like he cared."

Right, let's press on then. I notice that you're really, REALLY fond of exposition. In chapter 2 when the voice in his head starts explaining what it is, the story you're telling just basically grinds to a halt. I checked out the other thread you created on the forum for this tale and I agree with a lot of what has been said there.

To answer the question of the importance of scientific accuracy in sci-fi stories? It doesn't matter one little bit unless you say it does. If you're going to reference string theory, then you'd better know what it is you're talking about. On the other hand, it's sci-fi, so the people of the future could be operating on different concepts totally alien to us. What matters in all this, as some people on your thread pointed out, is consistency. It's important that you don't say that object A has these three properties only to add two more properties later on when the plot requires it. That's annoying. Other than stuff like that, the imagination is your only limit. It's one of the big reasons why people love reading sci-fi/fantasy.

Your problem is that you sometimes miss the point of writing a story for other people. That it's supposed to be entertaining, or at the very least, compelling. This is a quote of yours from the other thread:

"Yes, it's supposed to be stiff and not very engaging, space travel is monotonous and boring. I'm trying to emphasise the point through the narrative. I'll try to bring up that fact as well."

That just sends off so many alarm bells for me that it gave me a headache. It's ok to make your character bored, it is very NOT ok to try and make your reader bored with your writing on purpose. I don't care if it's supposed to convey the feelings of the character, you just don't do that. Writers tear out massive chunks of their works, write whole new character arcs, and scrap works that they love in their attempts to avoid boring their readers. Never set out to do that. It's just not cricket.

I think that you have a bit of a Tolkien problem. There's elves, monsters and wizards out there. The world is rich and interesting. Let's go on an adventure! Let's also not spend 15 pages talking about irrelevant lineages, songs we don't have the music to, and introducing 26 characters and their full back stories only to use them for 3 scenes.

If something's irrelevant to the story you're telling then get rid of it. The two most important priorities of any writer on the creative side of things are to find an interesting character and give that character something interesting to do. If the scene you're writing doesn't feed one of those two goals then you're doing it wrong. (Or at least that's what I think. Even it is a bit of a gross over-simplification.) Now, having said that sometimes shit needs explaining. It's fine to tell your readers about cool concepts in your world, but deliver that exposition in more manageable chunks. Either that, or write something else interesting that's going on whilst the person is explaining important stuff. For example, need to tell the reader about the specs of a spaceship? Then have the spaceship threaten to explode if they don't get to a certain part of it at a certain time. Now the chase is on, corridors are blocked and only the guy who knows about the space ship can help! Action is thus interspersed with the exposition as the guy who knows the ship tells everyone what they need to know whilst they all try not to blow up.

See, the basic idea you've got of a dude finding a conscious energy in space that bonds with him is pretty fucking cool. It's just that there's a lot of other stuff muddled in there that takes away from that coolness and that focus that needs to be there. Sure, introduce other characters but make sure they have something to do. I'm not talking about manning a star-console. I'm talking about something to do for the story. If they don't, then get rid of them! Otherwise they're just leeching focus away even more. Spend time building them as their own individuals with their own goals.

Anyhow, I'm now officially rambling. Still, I hope I was coherent enough for you to understand my points and thanks for the feedback request. I hope this helps!
 
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Lien, I love your in-depth critiques. When you get a chance, would you take a look at my recent story, "The Pool"? I'm pleased with it and meant it to be a standalone piece instead of a series, but I've had several comments that people want to see more from the brother's perspective and it has me thinking...

http://www.literotica.com/s/the-pool-24
 
Thanks Lien, that was wonderful. I won't try to explain myself here, as to not hijack your thread.

I really do appreciate your input though.
 
Heya stlgoddessfreya, check my first post on this thread for my rules about what I'll review. Not to be an ass or anything, but I don't review incest stories. They're not my thing. Not judging or anything though! If you write another story in my interests and re-ask me I'd be happy to check it out for you. ^_^

vWrath, thanks! And I don't mind people explaining or defending their stories on here. Just as long as folks don't wildly veer off topic. Talking about the stories I'm trying to review? Sweet. Talking about last night's football game? Nope. Anyhoo, good look in continuing your story!
 
Whoops!

So very sorry! I read the first post a while ago, I think before I even wrote that story, and filed it away too far back in the mental files to retrieve when needed. Thanks, anyway!
 
Hi Lien,

When you get the time I'd appreciate a review of my series "Personal Training".

There is no BDSM, Gay Male, Incest/Taboo, NonConsent/Reluctance, Transexuals/Crossdressers in any of it. Just four people trying to sort out their lives.

There are three chapters up so far, with another in the queue for tomorrow. I like to write complex characters, neither totally awful or totally good, and they have to face the consequences of their actions. I've received one negative comment on one of the characters, so far (not so bad) but I wonder if the characters are engaging enough or if they are off-putting. Unfortunately, there are a two flubs in the writing in Chapter 3, that aren't corrected yet. So I know they are there, you don't need to comment on them. The scores hover in the high 3's, and I know not to get too hung up on scores, but I did think the stories would generate more interest. So thanks, when and if you get the time to look at it.

Miss Prim
 
Personal Training Ch. 01

Linkzilla

Hi there MissPrim! Thanks for the request, though be prepared that (as usual) I've got some complainin' to do. I checked out the first chapter for you and these were my thoughts:

Something that immediately leaps out at me is that this story practically yells "author fantasy persona", or to put it a slightly different way, "author's personal fantasy."

Now, there's nothing wrong with writing out your fantasies and if you're new to the writing game then it's a good place to start out. The thing is that when you're putting them out there for other people to consume you have to frame those fantasies to be digested by a wider audience. Some things for you to think about would be:


A: Putting more thoughts into your protagonist. I know she's a slightly overweight woman who's just been in a car accident, but other than that I really don't know what to make of her. I don't think you really described her, and she doesn't have much in the way of her own personality. Where is she from? Whose fault was the car accident? How has it affected her life? Why is she fixating on this guy?

B: Find a suitable writing tone. Your voice comes out to the reader almost as if you're just sloshing down whatever's going through your head. If you're going for a colloquial first person narrator who addresses the reader directly then that's fine. I did that with The Warlock. It's just that you need to establish that with better consistency since you can come off as very amateurish if you don't. Putting things like "Whoa!" and "Oh my!" in the narrative just doesn't feel right if the reader doesn't have a better direct connection to the narrator. In The Warlock, my protagonist starts off by talking to the reader directly which establishes his occasional colloquial deviations later on in the story. I hope you're getting my meaning here!

C: Never assume the reader will care about something without giving them a reason to. Thinking that people like the same things that you do is central mistake that leads to all kinds of fuck-ups in storytelling. Even major author's do this. Remember that you have to explain why I should be interested in your characters and your plot. More than explain, you have to make me feel it! What's more, you have to do it in an interesting way without infodumping. I think that this first chapter would really have benefited from a brief conversation between the woman and the man she's infatuated with. Showing them interacting would have been much more interesting than just having her watch him. More action, less observation! My basic point is that you need to lay more groundwork if you want that attraction to pay off.

I'd make sure you keep those points in mind, and hope they help!

Also, I noticed that this story is very female-centric. As a card carrying owner of a functioning and deadly penis that only likes the ladies, I found this story a bit detaching. Now, this is not something that's wrong with your story at all. Girl power and all that! It's just that if you want your story to hit with a wider audience then you need to make the lady more of a compelling character. Just food for thought!

So to sum up then...

Personal fantasies are great, but if you want people to take a vested interest in your stories then make us care about the character before introducing their fantasies.

Visual descriptive writing is a staple of erotica, much more than in most other writing forms. We like all the juicy details, but don't let fashion substitute for function. I don't care what a person looks like if I don't know who they are beneath the good looks. You don't have to go very far to establish this. A simple act of starting up a conversation, a casual playful wink, a slight accident falling over the gym equipment. These all show character traits. Also, think about action. Character should push plot forwards and vice-versa. If one isn't doing its job then the story lags.

Also, I think the low rating might be in part due to how short the story is. I aim for most of my stories to be at least 2 pages long. When I'm reading on the site if I see that a story is only a page long then I'm not going to invest myself in it. I'm a fast reader, so it'd barely be worth the time and probably wouldn't get me excited. There are exceptions, of course. Just something for you to consider.

Overall, this story strikes me as a valiant first attempt by someone trying their hand at the writing game for the first time. Some parts are very wobbly, but there's clearly a passion in there. Like I said, it's fine to share your fantasies but you need to build up your characters better. Also, this story might work a lot more for a lady than it did for me.

Finally, don't be discouraged by anything I've said here. Even if you're having second thoughts of feeling disappointed by scores then keep pushing on. If you're seeing more mistakes, that means you've learned more than you did yesterday. Also, I'm not the grand sage of all wisdom. What might work for me might not work for you. So don't give up and keep plugging on! Hope this helped.

Lien
 
Lien,

Thank you for the review of the first chapter. Yes, the first chapter was Annie's POV, so yes female-centric. The story then alternates back and forth between her and Abel's, developing the story.

Happy Reading (and writing),

Miss Prim
 
Sorry!

Hey, LaRascasse and robertreams. I'm sorry I didn't get to posting up a review today! I'll get on it tomorrow. LaRascasse, you're first.
 
How to Catch a Falling Star

So this is my review of Larascasse's How to Catch a Falling Star. For the link see his post above.

You start out really well! I'm always rambling on about positive introductions on this thread and how important the first line and the first paragraphs can be. Your first sentence shoves the reader directly into the scene (opening with dialogue often has that effect) and immediately throws the hook. I said in a previous post that a good opening line poses a compelling question, and yours does! What's the place? Just how good is the view? Who's admiring it? This isn't rocket science, people!

I also don't know if it's due to the influence of NaokoSmith but your writing style has just vaulted forward in quality by about 250%. I can tell that from just looking at the first paragraph! Well done!

My only complaint in that opening section before the shift in scene is with the use of the word vicissitudes. (11th paragraph, 2nd sentence.) It's a word that just sticks out in the text, it's not a word that I imagine a lot of people might be familiar with, and it's unnecessary. You get away with it because it's understandable in the context, but I also think it works just as well by saying: "The world had worn her down, and now she'd traded in the ideals for a sharp suit."

As you can probably tell, this is minor nitpicky stuff here. Nothing major.

Next thing I noticed is that when Nora and Heather get back to her room and she asks how wet she is, it's a bit of a miss for me. In that context, it'd take a pretty dirty mind to go there immediately. It's fine if your characters do have dirty minds, but you could have adapted it to be a little more in the teasing side.

"How wet are you?"

"My, aren't we being forward?" Wink, wink.

Obviously that's just me giving a silly example, but I hope you see what I mean. It's a bit too innocent of a question to just naturally leap to the innuendo without anyone actively diverting things that way.

I do notice that you're dialogue is a bit expositiony and not all that dialoguey. I'm hearing Harrison Ford in my head shouting: "You can write this shit, George, but you can't say it!"

"I passed out of Yale, summa cum laude, in 2007, ready to make a difference. Sadly, the world changed that year. The recession ate away my family's wealth, leaving them at the mercy of the economy. Suddenly, I was made acutely aware of every next bill. Environmental lawyers don't earn a fraction of their corporate counterparts. I could just about make ends meet for us.

"Then one day, I took my mother to the ER after she had repeatedly complained of abdominal pain. She thought it was the turkey from the previous night."


That's an example of yours, and here's what I'd do with it:

"I made it out of Yale back in 2007. Summa Cum Laude, thank you very much. I was locked, loaded and ready to take on the world. I guess the world took notice and decided to stomp me back into my place. First the recession hit, and boy did it take my family for a ride down wash out lane. Bills started to pile up, and suddenly the causes I'd started out to fight didn't seem as important as other things. Things like food, water and not getting kicked out of our house. So I figured what the hell, I'd play the game by the rules before I started out to change the rules. Earn some money, make ends meet."

"Then one day my mom starts complaining about a stomach bug. She says it was just some bad turkey leftovers. Except it doesn't go away and we wind up in the ER."

I hope you see what I mean. Spoken language is difficult to nail in writing because we often say things without a single shit thrown in the direction of grammatical correctness. A lot of what's easy to hear isn't easy to read. It's about balancing natural ways of speaking with the rules of writing (i.e. clarity.) I'm no expert on this, and you often do fine with it. It's just that when you start explaining things through dialogue then make sure your characters retain personality in their words, rather than start speaking like exposition robots. ^_^

Another facet to this problem is that you also fold in a LOT of political viewpoints into their initial conversation. Speaking as someone who actually supports a lot of the things they're saying, it comes off as quite preachy. It's like you're re-branding old slogans as dialogue at some points. I'm hearing the words as exposition too, and not getting any sort of feeling behind them that can anchor the causes to a character. There's a lot of characters in fiction that I disagree with, but I can also respect or even root for because of how their opinions are written. It's not just their goals, it's their personalities, their passions. In essence, it's not that they're fighting for a cause, it's why and how they're fighting for it. You don't really get that into the dialogue, so it just sounds textbooky and a little preachy. Although this is also a little side effect of the last problem coming back to haunt you.

Rolling on, I really liked the confrontation with Townsend. It does a lot of favours for Heather as a character in showing rather than telling that she's viciously capable at her job. You've done more to show me what she's like here than on the entirety of the last page. It's an escalation of the story conflict that brings her to life.

Aaaand then you take all that great momentum and go back to heather moping and pontificating on environmental issues. By now as a reader I am getting frustrated. It also doesn't help that this is getting really depressing. When you introduced Vasi's story I'm just not really wanting to continue reading this any more. My life isn't a happy enough experience that I would go around reading this stuff for entertainment. :p Part of the problem here I think is that the characters just aren't likeable or compelling enough for me to want to see what happens to them beyond their obvious anguish. Seeing Heather in action did a bit to help out in this respect, but there's just so much horrible shit being piled on to these poor women that I'm just starting to feel sad. And not interested sad. Just sad sad.

Then we get right along to the love scene and it's not bad! I do wish there'd been a little more sexual teasing before they just hopped in there rather than a buttload of preachy arguments. Still, it's pretty steamy! Although having said that, I did laugh at this line:

"You once described the sunset over the Andes glaciers as the most beautiful sight in the world. I think you are even more breathtaking."

...being followed with this line:

"I see you shaved,"

It's like:

"Thou art more moving and delightful than a summers morn'!"

"Huh, nice bush."

Ok, so it's not that bad. ^_~ Just work a bit more on your dialogue.

Again, the scene with Norah and Heather is contrasted with yet another seriously depressing counterpoint. It also goes against her character a little. I'm to believe that this woman, who can tear apart Big Oil like they were nothing really needs to fellate her boss for favours? What's he got over her? Why can't she just phone her hacker friend again and get something on him? It's just needless and it's a plot thread that doesn't get resolved either.

This story as a whole was not my idea of a good time. The hopeless environmental message it carries just felt incredibly forced and shoved down my throat. It's also just phenomenally sad. I don't mind stories that have elements of sadness to them. Protagonists should certainly fail as well as win. Not every story needs a happy ending. It's just that you pile it on so thick without giving me a reason to stick around and endure it. I had trouble relating to Norah since she so often felt like a mouthpiece for a political stance rather than her own character. Then Heather's scene where she beats out big oil was great but it also kind of undercuts a lot of the other elements of the story in just how easily she does it. The hacker sort of seems a bit like a deus ex machina. Problem? Let us wave the magic hacking wand and fix it with oodles of leverage! He's not further established either and neither is his relationship with Heather, which might add an interesting sub-plot. Oddly enough, if Heather was blowing him then the whole thing would make more sense. She can't win the usual way so she has to go to the one guy who she knows can get the job done and pay his terrible price in order to help the woman she loves.

I'll leave you with a final thought. In great stories, great characters often get put through enormous trials. They fail, they fall, then when they finally rise again it becomes more meaningful because we've seen how hard it's been. The opposite is true, characters who succeed and triumph only to meet a tragic end are given much more meaning because we can see how much we've lost in losing them. Having a story where characters fail tragically, talk about all their failures, and then die with a final word of how we've all failed? There's no sense of balance there. That was the message that this story left me with, and I hope you understand that's why it wasn't my cup of tea.

Sorry to be so negative on you! The overall technical quality of your writing really has improved. Sentences flow much easier and there are no really jarring moments. I'd advise you into looking at how to make your dialogue feel more natural. I'd also recommend interspersing exposition between more active scenes, rather than just having two characters chat for ages about their pasts.

Anyhow, I hope this was a bit helpful at least! Apologies if I ripped into it a bit too much. Like I said, I didn't really appreciate the direction of the story. That's more of a creative difference than anything that's really wrong with it. I just hope I've explained myself enough and maybe given you some food for thought. Happy writing!
 
Thanks for the incredibly detailed and helpful feedback.

I have more stories on Heather in case you're interested, building more layers on her personality but none of them are entirely happy, if you get my drift. Would you like another one?
 
Forewarning: I'm about 60% drunk right now. Bask in my professionalism, bitches!

Hiya LaRascasse! I'm glad you found my ideas helpful. *Wobbles.* ^_^

I've got another review in waiting at the moment from robertreams. So I'll have to check his story out before anything else. Honestly, if I could say, *wobbles some more, points at your nose with unnecessary seriousness,* one thing to you, *hiccup.* I'd say that you focus too much on things that don't really matter.

That story up there, *points upwards,* is more a condemnation of how we treat the environment and an effort to make us cry than it is an attempt to show us a layered character. The other story I reviewed ages ago, *points backwards*, is an attempt to create an interesting twist on a sci-fi ending.

So if I could ask you to do one thing, I'd ask you to make the world stop spinning. But if I could ask you to do two things, then I'd say fuck all that bollocks and before you start writing, do this.

Find an interesting character.

Find something interesting for them to do.

I know that sounds fucking ridiculous, but bear with me here. Focus on what you want your character to sound like, to love, to hate. Make them conflicted in ways that don't just account for what they do, but for who they are. A doctor who disguises his sorrow at losing patients with inappropriate humour or an outgoing guy who's terrified of actually talking to the one girl that matters. Don't start with grand themes or clever tricks. Start with a person you could imagine yourself sitting at a table with. If you're having trouble with this, then write a few stories with them thrown into a situation completely different from what you had in mind for them. How would Heather handle being thrown into the past and meeting a caveman named Blorp? What would happen if she was suddenly forced to solve a murder mystery? Weak characters often cease to exist outside their own stories, strong ones can travel anywhere they like.

Then, once you have a person in your head with their own way of doing things, their own spark of personality and their own way of speaking, you break open the good whiskey! No, wait, don't do that. *Wobbles some more.* Oh yeah! What you do next is put them in a compelling situation. These situations don't have to be complex. Look at my collection of misadventures into literature:

Nerd teams up with Aphrodite to save the world.

Broken-hearted old man stumbles into the realm of the winter queen.

Scared sorceress finds a pint-sized pal with ludicrous power.

Teenager get's his arse hoofed into fantasy world by a magic ring.

Freakishly intelligent borderline sociopath discovers the powers of the underworld.

Holy fuck! My girlfriend's a werewolf!

Sure, in these stories I sometimes deal with bigger ideas. The Defiled Temple is about how appearances can be deceiving, Unleashed is my personal counter-argument to the idea that werewolves have to be noble to be sexy. It's just that I didn't start out these stories wanting to put those points across. I started wanting to make the characters relatable, compelling, interesting and freakin' sexy. I wanted them to do things that made the reader want to know more about them.

I don't get the feeling that this is what you want. I certainly don't think that this is your first priority. I think you want to experiment. I think you want your writing to be more than just an entertaining read. I think you want to say something.

I don't hold that against you, but it just seems to me like you're jumping the gun. Before you say something, make sure you've got characters who I want to listen to that can say it for you. Make sure you've got plotlines that are cohesive to the characters in question, rather than just gimmicks to get a rise or to create more tragic melodrama. Love the characters first, and don't use them as vehicles for your own opinions. Then take them to interesting places.

Anyways, that's me done with my drunk ramble. I'm sure many-a-litster will enjoy a chortle at my expense here and I may delete this post in the morning. I'm also pretty sure you could go through my work and say: "Waaait a minute, you're ignoring your own advice here, here and here!"

Still, I say it anyways in the hope I've made at least a sliver of sense. I also say it knowing I might be talking a complete load of old bollocks and that you might be better off doing things your way. Either way, I hope I've been entertaining.

*Falls over and goes to sleep.*
 
In Desperate Need Of Your Sage-like Wisdom!

Hi Lien,
I've written a story titled 'The Little Lights Ch. 01' which is in the First Time category. There are none of the taboo elements that you had refused to look into, as mentioned earlier in the beginning of this thread.
It's about 4 Lit pages long.
I hope that you'll take out some time to critique my story. Please speak your mind without any hesitation and point out each and every anomalies to me as you see fit to be criticised. The link is given below:
www.literotica.com/s/the-little- lights-ch-01
 
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To post here, then to make my life easier just give me a link to your story on Lit (DON'T copy and paste the entire bloody thing into the thread itself). Also, if you could include a brief description of the type of story and, if you like, any points you want me to focus on, then that would be good.

So, let's see how this goes.

What the hell, it's been up for a while now but if you've got time I'd be interested in feedback on my Stringed Instrument. The whole thing is a 14-chapter novel-length piece but the first chapter was originally intended as a one-shot, so if you're short on time or enthusiasm you could just take that one.

F/F romance; there is a small amount of BDSM here and there but it's not a major theme. Happy to get feedback on whatever aspects you choose.
 
Here I go on A Lust For Life by robertreams.

The first thing I notice is that there's a lot of reminiscing at the beginning. It almost reads like a history book. Granted, not a particularly boring history book, but making a scene active rather than passive is necessary to create the idea of forward momentum in the reader's mind. It's also practically telegraphed as to what's happening to Kathleen from the beginning. Now, I'm not saying that every story should have a twist just for the sake of it, but there's nothing fun about watching what I'm expecting play out exactly as I expect it. Horror is about thrills and dread. The slow decline of Kathleen just doesn't bring me to the edge of my seat. It's like I've never been able to see any way out for her, so there's no tension in the story.

Shifting focus a little, it's also not a very sexy story. In Kathleen's character you basically summoned up the image of a skeletal, weak and deathly pale woman. That is definitely not my idea of sexy, or even kinky. I think it might have been what put off a lot of people. A lot of what makes erotic horror so terrifying is the fact that it draws on our desires and shifts them into something very scary. Without that initial spark of desire there's not much to do the shifting.

Those were my two main problems with the storytelling. The lack of bringing the sexy and the overall predictability of the plot. Although I also understand that Dion might be more the focus on this story than Kathleen, but I can't really appreciate goat-boy. One of the curses of being a straight guy. I just don't know what makes the dudes hawt. ^_~

Other than those problems, however, I did think that your writing style was great. It had a slightly classical and formal tone which really suited the theme of the greek myths you were playing around with. I did notice one or two errors, most notably some missing speech marks, so you might want to find an editor if you can. Still, it really wasn't anything major.

Huh, now I'm all outta stuff to say. That's a first for me. I guess I'd mark this story as pretty passable, but unfortunately nothing really tweaked my interest. That being said, I read horror a LOT, so anyone submitting that kind of thing to me is going to have to meet some pretty darn high standards in order to impress. I'm just jaded that way, I suppose. I still found some stuff interesting, and liked the way you dealt with the mythology. I just think it needs something else to spice it up a bit in the way of more conflict. It's just she's lying in bed and has a lot of sick-person sex before popping her clogs. She doesn't even really realise what's happening to her. Certainly not in time to do anything about it.

Anyhoozle, I hope that helped a bit. Sorry if I was too negative but I hope the feedback helps out. Also take solace in the fact that this review is short because although I couldn't find that much to praise, I couldn't find anything that really got my goat either.

Badum-tish!
 
OK, I'm ready for another dose of tough love. I'm going to give you a choice of two of my personal favorites: Deep Undercover Chapter 1 or Desperate Measures: The Fluffer. Deep Undercover is a Noncon/Reluctance story, but the emphasis here is on reluctance, rather than nonconsent. The stuff that you might find offensive is in the later chapters, which I'm not asking you to read. Desperate Measures: The Fluffer, on the other hand, is in Loving Wives. Nothing there that violates the rules in your initial post.
 
The Little Lights

Here be my thoughts on The Little Lights by TheSoulfulBard.

Right out of the gate before we get to the actual story I just want to note something about your title. It's mind bogglingly vague. Sometimes that can be a good thing. If an established author comes out with a book that seems to be a bit of a mystery and no one knows what it's about then that encourages more people to buy it out of curiosity. If, on the other hand, an author who isn't so well known publishes a story like that on a website full of other stories from unknown authors it just fades into the ether.

The Little Lights The Beginning.

That's all I get? No real clue as to what I might be getting myself into? I know it's in the first time category, but that doesn't narrow down the focus much. When searching for stories, people ask two questions. 1: Is it any good? (This can usually be discerned by the score.) 2: Is it to my tastes? That last question is where you need to give at least a hint as to what your story entails. We can do that with the title an the brief description. I'm not saying give away the whole thing, but just give us a clue. It's the first chapter in a new story. I already knew it was the beginning. A little more help, please!

Ok, enough of that. Let's get started.

No, wait, I need to talk about that author's note. I'm usually fine with author's notes if the author feels the need to explain a little bit more about the story, for example if it's been difficult to categorize. Yours is a bit off-putting. This is no huge thing, but author's notes aren't exactly the place for personal explanations. This is your first story on Lit, and you start off by telling me that it was crap but now you've got a good plot, some good character development and equally good sex. Then you tell us it's part of a longer story. This comes dangerously close to bragging, and unnecessarily raises expectations.

The general crowd on Lit are a forgiving bunch. We know that a lot of the writers are amateurs starting out on the wonky road to hopeful publication, or hobbyists who just want to share. We'll generally read any story with an eye to overlooking minor mistakes that come from not having an editor, or just being new at the craft. If you tell us to expect good plot, character development and sex then you remove that safety net and raise expectations. So if you say that, and I find some faults with your work, you come off as arrogant. Plus, it's me. I'm a cold-hearted critical bastard. That almost reads like a challenge to me. ^_~

Again, it's also clear to me that this isn't remotely the purpose of what you were trying to say at all. It's also a relatively minor point in the grand scheme of things. I just hope I've explained why it could also result in the equivalent of shooting yourself in the foot right out of the gate.

So let's get started. No, hold your horses again, you've plopped in a poem there. As poems go, it's a perfectly nice one. It's just that it still doesn't give me any sort of clue as to what kind of story I'm about to get into. Is this a story about space travel? Two stars falling in love? A night time picnic? The choices are endless, and so the poetry lacks any sort of point. I concede that sometimes not having a point is the point, but I don't think it works here. The quote works better in this respect as it sets the mood for the beginning of the story. I still think that both are unnecessary.

Ok, now let's get started. First thing I notice is that there's a technical error in your first paragraph.

"Sweats are running down in rivulets on my face as I try to shake off the vestiges of the nightmare."

That should be:

"Sweat is running down my face in rivulets as I try to shake off the vestiges of the nightmare."

Or even better:

"Rivulets of sweat are running down my face as I try to shake off the vestiges of the nightmare."

I've said this before but check, double check and triple check your opening paragraphs to make sure there's no mistakes like this. It's a small thing, but people are more forgiving of technical errors if you've managed to hook them into your story before they see them.

That being said, as far as openings go, yours isn't a bad one. It's a bit morbid, but you get a decent hook with the nightmare and then lead into a very sad set-up. The dog (cat?) is an interesting addition, and it gives the main character something to connect to. I like that something's happening as you're telling us how sad your protagonist is, as it creates the idea of forward movement in the story.

My only problem here is that last sentence. The scene establishes his loneliness very well, but you don't give a reason for it until the end with that somewhat random factoid of it being his parents anniversary. It would have been better if there was something to anchor it to the scene. Like if he saw a picture of him with his happy family, then tells us that it would have been his parents anniversary. As it stands now it just feels a bit random to me. Not a major issue though.

Then we get another quote. Again, I like that it's relevant but if every scene is going to start with a quote then it's going to get pretty old pretty quick. It also breaks up story momentum and pacing. It breaks immersion and you don't get a lot in return.

Moving along, you do the classic "character looks into a mirror" in order to describe him. This has been practically done to death, and it annoys some people, but not me. Looking into a mirror is part of the morning routine, and why not take a moment to tell us then what our main man looks like? I do have a problem with comparing characters to real people though, which you do. It just feels like a cheat. Let your characters stand on the strength of your own descriptions of them, not on a Google image search. ^_^

I like your dialogue in the first scene with his aunt and...cousin? It feels like people talking, which isn't as easy to do as it looks. Only glitch there is that you basically say it's his aunts house but then a He opens the door. You don't take a moment to establish that another character we weren't expecting has been added to the scene, so for a moment there I thought that his aunt had a sex change.

Oh, and I also like the change of pace to something lighter. The story was getting pretty morbid, and this keeps the reader engaged.

After reading up until this point, I feel I have to say that your sentence structures are a bit clunky. There's nothing outright wrong with them. It's just that it's clear they could do with a few more revision passes to make them flow better. If you're revising the hell out of your work, and still struggling with this, then try reading it aloud to yourself. I've done this with myself so many times and the errors you see are unbelievable. What works perfectly in my head ties my tongue into knots. What looks easily readable sounds very wrong. It's also easier to fix the mistakes as people have a natural way of speaking as clearly as possible. So you'll often find yourself saying something better than you've written if you don't over think it and go with the flow. It's kind of like a sentence-flow auto-correct.

Next point is that you introduce the people at his school through his memories of them. You could just as easily introduce them into the narrative by letting them introduce themselves. Don't tell me that Nina has a potty mouth, show her swearing a lot in dialogue. It's ok to describe visuals, but try as much as possible to show personality directly. It gives the writing more impact.

Later on, I noticed this:


"I know just the thing to cheer her up.

"I know something that will cheer you up.""


That first sentence is redundant. Lose it. Sometimes you can play writing tricks like that for comedic value, but this isn't one of those situations.

I'll zoom along now and say that I do continue to enjoy your dialogue, for the most part. You also handle a wide array of characters well. Some writers run into the problems of their cast of thousands fading into pretty much the same person over and over again. Yours have a sufficient degree of their own personality, and when they leave I remember them when they return because of that. Well done!

The sex scene was sufficiently steamy, although it's still plagued by some clunky sentences. Also, you compare a girl's vagina to a vice. I don't know about you but that's not a place I want my John Thomas (esq.) to get anywhere near.

You do plotting and drama fairly well too, although sometimes it doesn't feel all that natural. Daniel seems to be a different person at the start of the story than when he's in school. I know some people do that but you don't write that shift much. It becomes less about a personal struggle with loneliness and more about high school drama. The shift in tone was a bit noticeable, but not completely off-putting.

Also, I noted that you write in the present tense. It's an interesting choice and I think you make it work, but these days it's a bit odd to read a story like that. The only books I've read where it really suits the narrative are old timey noirish P.I. books. Still, I admire the way you handled it here and it never becomes a problem, but it does seem like an odd choice for the story being told.

Overall, this story is a bit out of my usual tastes. I'm not saying that as criticism, but just so you know that I'm judging you here on something I wouldn't normally appreciate. That's something to be aware of. The writing also doesn't flow that well, which made it a bit of a struggle to read at times. Get rid of the quotes, or at least just settle on 1 per chapter. Your dialogue is good, and the characters are fairly well executed. I didn't feel a whole lot to cheer about in terms of character development though. I felt the characters changed, but I don't think you laid enough groundwork for me to say that they really developed. That being said, I do think that they had a certain level of depth, which is commendable in its own right.

Anyway, that's me done for today. Hope it was useful for you! I'll post up Bramblethorn's review next. Probably tomorrow.
 
Marilyn Chambers Comes to Roanoke

Alrighty then, so I'm not sure who asked first for the next story review so I flipped a coin and it came up in favour of swingerjoe's Marilyn Chambers Comes to Roanoke. Apologies to Bramblethorn, but I'll likely get around to yours tomorrow.

Before I start out, I'm aware that the Loving Wives section of the site is one of the more controversial ones. I'm also not remotely familiar with it. Just thought I'd put that out there as a warning.

Ok, let's do this! *Hulks up.*

I like your opening conversation between Frank and Harry. Dialogue is a great way to give us background, as it also moves the story forward. It also introduces us to the characters in a more personal way as we can obviously hear their opinions in their own voices. I like that you've started off like this because a lot of new writers sometimes start off with giving a tonne of background exposition to set their story up. This works much better.

Also, when you said that this was your first attempt at writing I admit I inwardly winced. Nothing against the newbies amongst us, but the sheer volume of mistakes a new writer has to make usually means that the work is going to be a struggle to get through. So with that being said, this is freakin' great! There were one or two turns of phrase that sounded a bit out of place to the tone of the scene, but nothing too outstanding and overall it's pretty much smooth sailing.

Only thing I'd note is that Harry kind of comes across as a bit of an asshole. I don't know if you mean for him to, but if you didn't then you run into the show don't tell problem. If you want the reader to empathise with a character then you're going to have to make them feel that betrayal rather than simply tell them about it.

The direction you take the story is really interesting! I'm writing here as I read and Marylin's mysterious appearance is quite intriguing. Sexy too! I like how you build her up in his imagination first before introducing her, and the question of what in the hell's going on is pushing me forward in the tale. It's exciting and suspenseful.

Hah, ok, this is odd. You have this great, weird, sexy situation with Harry and then you stop and veer off the train to sexyville for a stop in snoretown. I'm not quite sure what possessed you to stop your story's momentum by having your character go off to listen to a lecture give us the facts on the benefits of sexual polygamy, but it really doesn't work for me. I'm not here to be lectured at, I'm here to be entertained!

The scene afterwards was much better as the lecturer addresses the character directly and speaks of how what he believes affects Harry's life. That's very good because it shows conflict and allows for development. Just don't slam on the breaks like that again!

Pushing on towards the end then, I have absolutely no clue what happened. Was it all in his head? Was there some weird pornomancy at play? Maybe it was aliens?

Either way I don't think it matters. Harry's journey is where the core of the story is and the means by which he gets there is both wonderfully odd and yet strangely meaningful. I had problems with some parts, and Harry does occasionally come off as an ass. This might be intentional, but I wasn't wholly sure about what I was supposed to think of him. I think that speaks to him being a layered character, but it was a bit confusing at times. Still, it works overall, and you really develop his turn-around on his way of thinking. I'd still lose the full-on lecture though. It's too on the nose.

For a first try though, this is pretty damn great. Don't let the relatively low score put you off! Also, for someone who says they're not all that creative, I've gotta say that this was mind-bendingly imaginative. A lot of weird and wonderful shit goes down on those four pages, and it's anchored well by Harry's personal journey. It worked for me, and I helped your score by knocking 5 stars on it.

Oh, one relatively minor thing is that overall you do dialogue really well but you can occasionally sound a little bit too "poetic" for want of a better word.

"I was betrayed by love, and I can't abide by it."

That's an example of what I mean. It's not jarring or anything, but I think it suits a person sitting on stage staring contemplatively at a skull than it does two dudes having a beer and watching TV.

Other than that though, very well done!
 
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