First Story

Posted my first story and would look forward to some feedback.
Its based on my wife and I and a fantasy of a trip alone.
Includes oral and anal.

Thanks

http://www.literotica.com/s/night-in-san-diego

viesbaal said:

Posted my first story and would look forward to some feedback.
Its based on my wife and I and a fantasy of a trip alone.
Includes oral and anal.

Thanks

http://www.literotica.com/s/night-in-san-diego

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Second person point of view is very difficult to handle even for experienced writers. It almost never works. But for some reason it is fairly common for beginners to write from this perspective.

In the first paragraph, you write:

"Your head stays stationary as you glance down swiftly at the growing bulge in my pants."

It's really difficult to get into a story as a mature hetero male reader when the point of view that I'm to imagine is that of a woman. That first paragraph takes me right out of the story right away.

Your bio says you are a "couple". It's almost as if you are describing to one another what you did. Maybe that's why you thought it would be a good idea. It isn't. Write it from the man's point of view or the woman's point of view. Or one of you write it first person (I did this...I did that).

Some don't object to second person, but I can't even finish the first page in this format.

rj

The "my" in this sentence means this isn't second person. The sentence is written from the first-person perspective.

"Your head stays stationary as you glance down swiftly at the growing bulge in my pants."

Second person is misidentified about eighty times more often than it actually applies. It may be difficult and awkward to read, but that's not because it's in second person.

For second person perspective, you have to be in and stay in the mind/perspective of the "you." I checked this story. Pure first person from the perspective of the male protagonist. I, I, me, me throughout on perspective.

Didn't AIR SUPPLY do this back in 1981?

I got confused with the switching back between 1st and 2nd person. I think it would flow much better with more dialogue and from one persons point of view.

First person present tense is tempting because it feels so immediate. I wrote my first story for the site in 1st person present tense. But it has its traps and problems. One thing I noticed is that you have to be really careful with tense. Writing in present tense is unfamiliar to most people. I often slipped into past tense as I wrote, and a few instances might have made it into the draft I submitted. I noticed the opposite problem in your story here:

"I think back to earlier in the afternoon. I was in the room gathering the last few items we needed before hitting the road. You walk up behind me and place your arms around my waist hugging me from behind."

You start this vignette as a flashback in the past tense, "I was in the room...", but then you slip into present tense in the second sentence, "You walk up behind me...". It was a jarring shift, and it confuses the action in the car with the action back home. The same confusion of tenses occurs at the beginning of chapter three.

Also, I hadn't realized that there had been a shift backward in time between the first vignette and the second. The first two situations are too similar, they read like they follow one right after the other. Writing in the present tense is hard enough to follow without unintroduced time shifts. (The third vignette, at least, is signalled as a time shift, "I think back to...")

Watch your perspectives. In first person, you're in the head of the narrator, and it can be jarring when the inner life of another character intrudes, as it did here in the second chapter: "You enjoy the taste and savor the moment." Same for this sentence, "You button the skirt and can feel that your ass is just covered." And again in chapter three, "You feel your heart beat faster in your chest. You feel your lip begin to moisten with anticipation." And again here, "But you're thinking, "Am I in a club? Where did he bring me?"" It happens a lot, and increasingly more often as the story continues. It's the biggest problem with an otherwise well-written story. How does the narrator ("I") know that the other character ("you") is enjoying her experience or what she is feeling or thinking? It's easier to get away with this when you're writing in the third person, though even then you should remain conscious of viewpoint characters.

I noticed also in the second chapter that you occasionally slip in your tense, giving us the past tense ("I placed the vehicle in part and continued to enjoy..."), or not conjugating the present tense properly, ("Your head twist as...").

You're using "as" a lot to show concurrent action, which is another trap of the present tense.

You're pretty good with not over-using participles, but I see at least one sentence lacking a main verb, "Soft moans and deep breathes leaving my mouth." This may be intentional, to convey a sense of immediacy, but if not, keep an eye on it.

Watch for wordiness. "You want to fight but you are suddenly drawn back to your gift." You could easily have replaced "are suddenly drawn back to" with "remember".

sdsioux said:

I got confused with the switching back between 1st and 2nd person. I think it would flow much better with more dialogue and from one persons point of view.

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Not really. It's all in first person. Throwing in the "you" business was an affectation that's off putting, yes. But there's no second person perspective that I saw in this. The perspective is the "me" of the male character.

Thank you all for the feedback. Look forward to reading more and working them into future stories.

Just a bump to see if I can get some more feed back on story.

Thanks

rjordan said:

Second person point of view is very difficult to handle even for experienced writers. It almost never works. But for some reason it is fairly common for beginners to write from this perspective.

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I wonder if it's to do with readers who are used to cyber, or writing a story for one specific person, and then taking it to a wider audience.

Bramblethorn said:

I wonder if it's to do with readers who are used to cyber, or writing a story for one specific person, and then taking it to a wider audience.

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Not that it's really second person perspective they usually have written in. I do think it is an attempt to place a specific person in the place of the reader. The writer probably feels it more intimately in writing it that way. But it's almost always still in first person--the writer as the "I" trying to maintain a close connection with a specifically seen reader, the "you."

I am familiar with biological naming systems, called taxonomy. Are generally two schools of taxonomists, conservatives and liberals. Conservatives try to fit sub-species and varieties into a single species. Liberals tend to classify many varieties as separate species. I see a parallel here. 4th person is 'really' 3rd person, without pronouns. 2nd person is 'really' 1st person, with the 'I' unspoken. Et cetera. Very conservative taxonomy. No, I don't see Anglish as containing 5th, 6th, etc person voices. But I'm a taxonomic liberal; 2nd and 4th person voices are real to me.

Hypoxia said:

I am familiar with biological naming systems, called taxonomy. Are generally two schools of taxonomists, conservatives and liberals. Conservatives try to fit sub-species and varieties into a single species. Liberals tend to classify many varieties as separate species. I see a parallel here. 4th person is 'really' 3rd person, without pronouns. 2nd person is 'really' 1st person, with the 'I' unspoken. Et cetera. Very conservative taxonomy. No, I don't see Anglish as containing 5th, 6th, etc person voices. But I'm a taxonomic liberal; 2nd and 4th person voices are real to me.

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Doesn't match what I see, as I don't fit in either of your categories. Second person is not really first person with an unspoken "I." Second person requires you to be in the mind of the "you" for all perspective and to stay there, never drifting into an "I" perspective at all. And I don't see a fourth person perspective (or fifth or sixth) at all.

I don't think we need more perspectives. I think we need better understandings of the ones we already have had for a long time.

Bramblethorn said:

I wonder if it's to do with readers who are used to cyber, or writing a story for one specific person, and then taking it to a wider audience.

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Doubt it, I used to role play quite a bit here and through yahoo, its always forst person, "You look up at me from your knees, your eyes, wide, lips quivering..." Its all first person.

2nd person doesn't work for me. Also you have almost no description of any characters we don't know if his cock i 1/2 or 12 We don't know if it is pink or white or brown or black we don't know any person' hair color, skin color, etc.

Your characters do not seem like real people they have no personalities .

In describing the acts them selves, what do you have besides in and out lick nibble cum.

To be hot, the characters in your story need to be real. No one even has a name.

Very few typos or clerical errors.. I found one to that should have been a too.

Keep writing but much more flavor is needed in your bland white toast with white milk story.

You are of course right, It isn't 2nd person at all, but it is a direct narrative by one person to another so unless readers can easily place themselves in the "you" of the story, it won't work. That means that it won't work for men., not even bisexual men. With a lot more description and some good characterization, this story would work well in 3rd person omniscient narrative.