Looking for information from poly families

Some background...I write stuff. I'm being published next year with an alternative lifestyle book that is a series (two books finished and waiting for the publisher to do their part).

The third book will probably have characters who are a poly group/family. At this point I'm literally just beginning to work on the plot and basic character traits but everything is still just vague ideas. I would appreciate if if any who are in poly relationships could talk about:

Terminology? Any special words that poly families use?

How the relationship started. Were you looking or did you just fall into it?

Who leads? Why?

How do you express your love and affection for each other? (I know, it sounds weird to the point that it seems like I think being poly isn't 'normal'. Not the case, I'm looking for specific things you might do - that vanilla or other kinky pair partners might not do. Do you hide flowers for one of your partners to find? Or secretly put slips of paper with wishes on them into books for the next reader to find? Wait, that sounds fun, into the book that goes! Maybe. )

Any extended family issues?

Social issues in public places like restaurants and clubs? What about Church if you attend one?

Shopping, general and grocery types, anything special or different than when you were not in a poly family?

Personalities - shy, bold, strong, childish, playful...?

Sleeping habits and arrangements?

Better to live in an apt/condo or house?

Big city or small town?

Any vignettes you would like to share about funny or sad things in your life because of your poly family?


I'm not going to use anything posted here. I'm just looking for information on how poly families live, love and play together. I'm really looking to get information from the emotional side rather than the physical though physical love between guys is important if your poly group is MFM. Tell me how you love each other and how that fits into your daily life.

If you HAD a poly relationship and it's over; if it's not too hurtful, can you tell me what happened and why?





DISCLAIMER!

Don't be gross. Please. I'm not looking for a relationship with anyone here. I have my own and I'm stable in it. What I''m looking for is background material for the book, not wank fodder. Anything helps, even a 'Fuck off, pervert!' if that's what makes your day special.

There also won't be much to show for this thread. Like I mentioned already, it's background material and I still have to think about how, or if, it fits into the plot.

It's triple the work of a normal relationship and you can't grow additional cocks, so overall the cost-benefit ratio is terrible. But when you love two humans, it's as crappy to dump one.

disclaimer: depends what you count as "family". I've been poly for most of my adult life, but I've never had multiple partners living under the same roof; it's usually been as couple + kid living together, with lovers living elsewhere.

But you said "any who are in poly relationships", so...

(disclaimer #2: different people do poly very differently, I'm just talking about my experience here.)

HisArpy said:

Terminology? Any special words that poly families use?

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There are some poly-specific terms around: NRE, compersion, etc. I don't find much need for them myself, so I can't tell you anything you couldn't easily find by googling.

How the relationship started. Were you looking or did you just fall into it?

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n.b. "in a relationship" can be a fuzzier status for poly folk than it would normally be for monogamous ones.

Monogamy has to treat "relationship" as a black-and-white status; it doesn't make sense to say "you can only have one relationship at a time" unless everything can be clearly identified as relationship/not-relationship.

In a poly situation, that doesn't necessarily apply. I've had friendships that drifted into "friends with benefits" and into love, and back again, without having a sharp moment of "now we're dating"/"now we're not".

On the other hand, if you're dealing with somebody who doesn't already know the score, there comes a point where you have to have some sort of "BTW I'm poly so it's okay for us to [whatever]" conversation. And depending on agreements with your existing partner/s, there may be conversations to have there.

Some of mine have gradually drifted into "relationship", as above. Some have been a bit more formal: one started out with me saying "hey, am I right in thinking you're attracted to my partner? Because it's okay if you are."

How do you express your love and affection for each other? (I know, it sounds weird to the point that it seems like I think being poly isn't 'normal'. Not the case, I'm looking for specific things you might do - that vanilla or other kinky pair partners might not do. Do you hide flowers for one of your partners to find? Or secretly put slips of paper with wishes on them into books for the next reader to find? Wait, that sounds fun, into the book that goes! Maybe. )

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The usual sort of ways, mostly. Most of the poly relationships I've been in have had a long-distance element, which obviously changes the options there; texting, sending little surprises etc. becomes important.

One that is unique to poly is having one partner support another relationship. Me talking to my partner a few months ago:

"Hey, so, you probably noticed but I rather like X and I think she's flirting with me..."
"Of course I noticed. Shall we invite her around for dinner?"

Any extended family issues?

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I never told my mother about being poly. It would have upset her greatly, and given that she was dying at the time I didn't feel like adding yet another serve of drama to an already overfull plate. I did tell my father a few years later and he was like "oh, okay". The rest of my family are aware that I'm non-monogamous, although I don't usually give them the details.

I have had partners who weren't out to their family and so weren't willing to acknowledge the relationship in public. That got hard to deal with; when things are good it can feel exciting to have that sort of secret, but when things aren't so good it really exacerbates insecurities. And if the relationship ends, it can get in the way of grieving when friends/family aren't allowed to know that the relationship even existed.

Social issues in public places like restaurants and clubs? What about Church if you attend one?

Shopping, general and grocery types, anything special or different than when you were not in a poly family?

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Not much. My friends hug a lot, so in public it's generally not obvious who's lovers vs. just friends. I'm not religious, though most of my partners have been.

Personalities - shy, bold, strong, childish, playful...?

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All sorts.

Sleeping habits and arrangements?

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Do you mean sleep or "sleep"?

IME three/four in a bed is a special occasion kind of thing, and it's hard to get much sleep when it's that crowded. As far as sex goes, even when my partner and my girlfriend and I were all sleeping with one another, threesomes were the exception rather than the rule; it's hard to focus on two people at once in bed, so it's just easier to make time for each couple individually.

If you HAD a poly relationship and it's over; if it's not too hurtful, can you tell me what happened and why?

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One of the biggest pressures is time. All relationships take maintenance and poly especially so. When people have other calls on their time (work, illness, other partners, ...) that can cut into that, unless they make the effort to set aside some quality time.

I've run into the "my partner said they were poly but now they've decided they're not" thing a couple of times. (Never expressed quite that bluntly; it's usually more like "sure I'm fine with you seeing other people, except not on this particular occasion... or that one... or that one...)

One dynamic that I've seen kill several poly relationships: A's dating B, B's also dating C. A is easy-going, C is less so, and B doesn't like conflict. The result is that B keeps making choices to appease C at A's expense, because A is less likely to complain about it, which ends up crowding out the relationship with A.

For "typical" people poly is a set-up for failure. There are rare people (I think I might be one?) who are multi-loving. Most people aren't, and won't find this possibility acceptable from the start.

It's VERY hard to make one relationship work for a typical pair. Add another person and the math goes wacky quickly. Who is insecure? Who is scared? Who is dependent on one vs. another?

Any form of weakness gets picked to bits rapidly. Only the strong survive.

Maybe

Thank you everyone. Bramble, your information and experience helps. I had some misunderstandings I will work to correct. I still need to do more research, the amount of information (much of it repetitive) out there is pretty well hashed up so reading through it takes a ton of time and often for little gain.

However, eventually I think I will have enough of a handle on this to create the characters and make them seem real.

If anyone else wants to chime in, I will appreciate it. More information is always better.

HisArpy said:

I would appreciate if if any who are in poly relationships could talk about:

Terminology? Any special words that poly families use?

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Ummm... I referred to The Men™ as The Men™ when speaking of them both, their names + trade when speaking of them individually in public*, and one was "Dear" and the other was "Sweetheart" when speaking to them in private.

*They had the same first names [J] which was fantastically convenient for me, but easily confused people - "Wait, who are you talking about? I mean, which one?"

How the relationship started. Were you looking or did you just fall into it?

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I met one of The Men™ through a personals ad online; I met the other of The Men™ maybe a year later through Fet. It just kind of happened. The initial relationship was with someone who was very honest about his disinterest in monogamy; the secondary relationship was happy to know there was someone else to pick up the slack. (Actually, both were happy there was someone else to pick up the slack. lol)

Who leads? Why?

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Leads how? I maintained two individual relationships, with two individual men who each knew about the other. I rarely (if ever) had final say in either relationship, because I don't run the show.

How do you express your love and affection for each other? (I know, it sounds weird to the point that it seems like I think being poly isn't 'normal'. Not the case, I'm looking for specific things you might do - that vanilla or other kinky pair partners might not do. Do you hide flowers for one of your partners to find? Or secretly put slips of paper with wishes on them into books for the next reader to find? Wait, that sounds fun, into the book that goes! Maybe. )

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The same way anyone does in a relationship involving super-compatible people? For me it was things like sharing a favorite book, or making dinner. Giving them space or companionship depending on their needs.

Any extended family issues?

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How so? Everyone involved was very private about relationships, so there wasn't any family involved to worry about causing issues.

Social issues in public places like restaurants and clubs? What about Church if you attend one?

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If we were in public, we introduced each other as friends... because we were [are].

Shopping, general and grocery types, anything special or different than when you were not in a poly family?

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If I made dinner for one of them, I'd make what I thought they'd like and kept things around that I knew they enjoyed - the same way I do now that I'm in a monogamous relationship.

Personalities - shy, bold, strong, childish, playful...?

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Compatible with me. I don't care if there's one man in my life or a dozen, if they're friends, lovers or both. Attributes like "shy, bold, strong, childish, playful..." doesn't make sense [to me], because I like the men I like. I don't know that there's a specific personality trait associated with poly. One of The Men™ was[is] charming as hell. Incredibly charismatic in a very quiet sort of way. The other one of The Men™ was unassuming and reserved. Both were[are] brilliant, talented, well educated, etc., but that's more because of what I'm attracted to, than their willingness to be in an open relationship.

Sleeping habits and arrangements?

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Occasionally spent the night with one of The Men™; never with the other of The Men™

Better to live in an apt/condo or house?

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Better to live where everyone has as much space as they want/need. In my instance, in our own homes. I did joke for a long time about moving a tiny house into his backyard someday. lol

Big city or small town?

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Big city + suburbs.

Any vignettes you would like to share about funny or sad things in your life because of your poly family?

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They both had my best interests at heart, as I did theirs.

I'm not going to use anything posted here. I'm just looking for information on how poly families live, love and play together. I'm really looking to get information from the emotional side rather than the physical though physical love between guys is important if your poly group is MFM. Tell me how you love each other and how that fits into your daily life.

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One relationship ended before the other. The way one ended things sucked, and I ended up crawling in bed with the relationship that continued, and cried, vented, blubbered and snuggled until I felt a bit better. Seeing me that upset did not make him happy. It was one of the very few times he felt compelled to "pull rank".

If you HAD a poly relationship and it's over; if it's not too hurtful, can you tell me what happened and why?

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The multiple relationship thing with The Men™ lasted for several years; I continued being involved with one of them for a couple years after the arrangement with the other ended. I didn't date anyone else for quite a while, but when I did start dating I was very up front that I wasn't looking for monogamy. I'd explain that I had an intimate friendship with someone, he was important to me, and we didn't end up in bed very often anymore but it could/would happen and if new dude couldn't deal with it... thank you but we're not compatible, buh bye.

I dated one guy for a few months who swore he could deal with it because "monogamy is nothing more than a social construct", but dear.god. It bugged the shit out of him that I refused to "choose", even though I never slept with J the entire time we dated. I eventually got tired of the stress (plus a few other incompatibilities) and we parted friends.

Then a little over a year ago, I met the man I'm currently involved with. I can't explain why, but any desire for anyone else completely disappeared the second I saw him. I feel monogamous towards him, even though he doesn't expect or require it. J and I are still dear friends; he's met (and given his blessings to) my new partner. He gets the biggest shit-eating grin on his face when I talk about lover, because it makes him happy to see me this happy - and he's argued for years [and years] that I was only poly because it's what I needed at the time. He always theorized that the only thing I needed to be contentedly monogamous, was the right man.

Still friends with J (out of town The Men™).
Still friends with J (in town The Men™).
Still casual friends with dude I dated while J and I were still lovers.
Freakishly happy in a monogamous relationship now (and openly talk with my current lover about how weird that is).

The first time I was in one it was at the initiation of a woman I was totally smitten with. I didn't consider myself poly. I was insanely jealous. I went through a complete emotional wringer over her refusal to stop being her and do what I wanted her to do, dammit.

Eventually I realized I was being a freaking child about it and chilled out and listened to what she was saying. To this day I can't tell you exactly what the process was that opened my eyes up or changed me to the degree that it has, but I realized that everything about what she was saying resonated with me and made sense.

I got the fuck over myself and was able to enjoy and eroticize her happiness for real. I got the fuck over myself and was able to open my eyes and enjoy my OWN latitude in the arrangement.

And I swore I'd never go back. I think I could only do this because I'm hardwired and I didn't realize it. I haven't gone back. Every first or second date involves THAT talk. Sometimes people pretend to be on board and they aren't and then they want to blame everything - my bisexuality, my assholeness, my partners - but their own unwillingness to believe what I told them on day one. That'll happen.

It takes a certain kind of person, and I'm not entirely sure what it is. My mileage has been good because I'm attracted to a lot of "boy brain" in people, whether they're men or women - people who emotionally process for themselves and expect you to be able to do the same, I guess. I know that's kind of how I deal in emotion, and what I expect from others and myself with it.

I'm weighing in to point out that a LOT of roads lead to Rome and they don't all involve a lot of weekly check-ins and pre-arranged schedules and shared bathrooms and such. Nothing wrong with that scene, but it's not all there is.

CutieMouse said:

I dated one guy for a few months who swore he could deal with it because "monogamy is nothing more than a social construct", but dear.god.

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Oh god yes. People who've accepted poly on a rational level and don't have enough self-knowledge to figure out that the irrational bits of their psyche aren't so cool with it.

*sigh* I'm still a little bitter about the girl who was all "I'm a Level Nine Poly" for just as long as it took to establish a relationship with my then-lover, and then flipped over to "mine mine mine not yours".

Bramblethorn said:

Oh god yes. People who've accepted poly on a rational level and don't have enough self-knowledge to figure out that the irrational bits of their psyche aren't so cool with it.

*sigh* I'm still a little bitter about the girl who was all "I'm a Level Nine Poly" for just as long as it took to establish a relationship with my then-lover, and then flipped over to "mine mine mine not yours".

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Yep. I cannot count the number of conversations that wandered down the path of some variation of "No, no, I'm totally cool with it.... I just don't understand why you aren't willing to choose MEEEEEEEE."

It's fascinating to me that I've been with someone for a little over a year who genuinely does.not.care. if I'm seeing anyone else. Likes J. Agrees he's good for me. Appreciates all the stuff that relationship did for me [that he now benefits from]... and I just don't want anyone else. It's weird. lol

Ok, another question or three;

When you're having 'that talk' with someone, can anyone describe the emotional phases either person goes through during the conversation? How long before the new member got on board with it once you mentioned it? Right away or did you have to discuss it more? Any subtle lead ins to broach the issue that you use? Also, how forward are you in pursing or creating the relationship with the person you're interested in?

Can you remember what it felt like for your FIRST relationship? How did YOU feel about it when someone asked you to join?

Too many questions I know, but I'm getting where I think I can create the personalities and dynamic consistent with the emerging plot line. Oh, and thank you DS, CM, and Netzach, I appreciate your willingness to contribute good information by opening up your private lives a bit for me.

I'm also wondering if I'd get more info on the GLBT forum with this question. Thoughts on that?

HisArpy said:

Ok, another question or three;

When you're having 'that talk' with someone, can anyone describe the emotional phases either person goes through during the conversation?

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When I was dating? I made a point of stating in my OKCupid ad that I wasn't tied to the idea of monogamy, and was happy to discuss my views if there were any questions.

How long before the new member got on board with it once you mentioned it? Right away or did you have to discuss it more?

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"Get on board"?

"Soooo... for ethical purposes I feel like I need to let you know that until we explicitly discuss monogamy... I'm not monogamous. I will date, befriend, and sleep with/fuck whomever I please. You're welcome to do the same. I understand that can be an issue for some men, so I like to have the conversation early..."

If they were okay with that, awesomesauce. If not, I thanked them for coffee and we didn't continue. Sometimes that conversation happened by email before even meeting someone; sometimes on the first or second date. I usually tried to have that chat before ending up in bed, but occasionally it happened the morning after.

Any subtle lead ins to broach the issue that you use?

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IMO subtlety re: poly doesn't work. Kind of like how "I've hinted around about what I want in bed, but he's not _____ enough! Why doesn't he understaaaaaaand?"

Also, how forward are you in pursing or creating the relationship with the person you're interested in?

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Forward enough to retain rights to be non-monogamous, until I decide otherwise... and not needy enough to give that up just because some dudebro feels threatened by another man's cock in the picture.

In my non-monogamous relationship, I saw other people if I wanted; I spent time only involved with J if I wanted. In other words, I created the relationship I wanted/needed. Thinking about it, I'm still creating the relationships I want/need.

Can you remember what it felt like for your FIRST relationship? How did YOU feel about it when someone asked you to join?

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My intro to poly was not ethical, nor was it healthy, functional, etc. My ex-husband had a horrible habit of falling in love with other women and diverting all of his energy into those new "friendships". He was hooked on NRE, and constantly looking for another fix. He'd insist it wasn't cheating, because [technically] he wasn't having sex - even though he was falling in love, spending all his free time with another woman, etc.

So when all this came up in therapy, I started researching and suggested opening the marriage. That way he could keep getting his NRE fix, but I'd be free to get my needs met elsewhere [that he was no longer interested in]. I ended up with 2 lovers (friends); he struggled to transition the "platonic" girlfriends to actual intimate relationships... he closed the marriage again 6 weeks later.

How did I feel? It was a relief to feel wanted, accepted, supported and loved, instead of second fiddle to the newest flavor of the month. It was enlightening and empowering to realize exactly how little my ex was contributing to our relationship vs his outside relationships.

My first post-divorce open/poly relationship just kinda developed. He was up front from the beginning that he wouldn't be monogamous - if I needed monogamy, I should date someone else. We were able to talk through a lot of things, and always come to an understanding, which still influences how I manage relationships, today.

I'm also wondering if I'd get more info on the GLBT forum with this question. Thoughts on that?

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My initial reaction to that was to wonder why GLBT forums would be more likely to experience poly, but that might be my ignorance talking...

Answering out of order because it flows better:

HisArpy said:

Any subtle lead ins to broach the issue that you use? Also, how forward are you in pursing or creating the relationship with the person you're interested in?

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In the past: not very. There was one person, she and I flirted for about five years and I had a massive angsty crush on her but I didn't have the confidence to ask outright and risk rejection. We worked it out eventually... I don't even remember how, except that my partner and her partner were both very patient and supportive.

Since then I've learned to be much more direct and use my words. A lot of that is about acquiring the confidence to deal with fear of rejection (plus figuring out that moping about somebody for years is not very efficient, and also not fair on my partner - she doesn't mind me being happy with other people, but I'm poor company when I'm moping).

So these days I will probably say something along the lines of "hey, can I interest you in a date? Just to be clear, [my partner] is aware that I'm asking, she's fine with that, and you're welcome to check that with her." Or "is this just idle flirting, or are you flirting with intent here?"

One thing that does influence me here - almost all the people involved have been long-distance, either interstate or overseas. That means I don't get to visit often, and I can't say "well if things don't work out this weekend I can try again next weekend". That's put a bit more pressure on me to say what I'm looking for up-front, rather than visit for a week and spend all that time slowly and cautiously establishing that, yes, Other Person would like to go to bed with me... just as it's time for me to go.

(Also, where relevant, things like STI testing need to be organised in advance, and possibly safe-sex rules.)

When you're having 'that talk' with someone, can anyone describe the emotional phases either person goes through during the conversation?

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With pre-existing partner: we never really had a "hey should we be poly?" talk. We'd never been shy about acknowledging that we were attracted to other people and things just gradually drifted into agreement that it'd be OK to act on that, though we do talk about specific possibilities. Those conversations tend to be a mix of "are you okay with it if I sleep with X?" and "do you think X is interested in me?"

With new person: it varies so much. With X, "that talk" was five years of slow flirtation and hinting by two shy people who were terrified of scaring the other person away by saying something. (At least, that was my side of it, I think X's side was similar.)

With others, it's been more "OK I'm asking, I hope she says yes but I'm okay if she says no". Followed five minutes later by "has she answered yet?" *checks email* *checks email again* "what about now?"

n.b. when the relationship does go somewhere, it's not usually just one "the talk"; it's more of an ongoing process than a single milestone moment. Relationship dynamics have a way of shifting, so it may be appropriate to re-discuss ground rules as they change. For example, when my long-distance lover found a new near-distance partner, we had a serious talk about what that might mean for us.

How long before the new member got on board with it once you mentioned it? Right away or did you have to discuss it more?

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In my experience, by the time I get around to asking, the other person already knows whether they're interested, although it can take some time to work out the details.

Can you remember what it felt like for your FIRST relationship? How did YOU feel about it when someone asked you to join?

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Several "first"s.

#1: my first ever serious relationship. Couple of months of Young Love, then she broke up with me for somebody else. I wasn't coping well and asked her to consider polyamory, basically because it was the only option that didn't involve me being single. None of us had any experience with it but I'd read about it on the Internet. She said no, which in hindsight is a good thing, because I don't think any of us had the emotional maturity for it.

#2: second serious relationship. At some point she asked me whether I'd be okay if she fooled around with a couple of her friends. I thought about it, it really didn't bother me, and I said okay. I can't remember if she actually did.

#3: my current partner. We got together, gradually established by consensus that we were OK with poly (as discussed above). Not particularly dramatic, just sort of "hey are you good with this? cool, me too".

I don't think I've ever been asked to join a pre-existing relationship; usually it's me that's done the asking.

In summary - I've had a lot of emotional drama about some specific relationships, for one reason and another, but none with the general idea of poly.