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Humor Thread

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On a senior citizen bus tour, the driver was surprised. While the passengers were unloading, to do some sightseeing, one elderly lady stopped and whispered in his ear, "Driver, I believe that I was sexually harassed!"

The driver didn't think much of this complaint, but promised he would check into it soon.

Later, that very same day, as the passengers were unloading again, a second little old lady bent down and whispered in his ear, "Sir, I believe I was sexually harassed!"

This time, he knew it had to be taken care of soon. A few passengers had remained on the bus, and he decided to go back and question them, to see if they had any knowledge of what was going on.

He found one little old man crawling along the bus floor underneath the seats and stooped down to question him. "Excuse me, sir, could I help you?"

The elderly man looked up and said, "Well, son, you sure can. I've lost my toupee and I'm trying to find it. I thought I'd located it twice, but they were parted in the middle, and mine's parted on the side!"
 
Ernie asks Joe, "If I slept with your wife and had a child would that make us related?"

Joe says to Ernie, "No but it would make us even."
:confused::confused::confused:
 
Answering Machine Recording:

"You have reached the breast self-examination hot line. Please press 1 to continue.......

Now press the other one."
 
The elevator in our building malfunctioned one day, leaving several of us stranded. Seeing a sign that listed two emergency phone numbers, I dialed the first and explained our situation.

After what seemed to be a very long silence, the voice on the other end said, “I don’t know what you expect me to do for you; I’m a psychologist.”

“A psychologist?” I replied. “Your phone is listed here as an emergency number. Can’t you help us?”

“Well,” he finally responded in a measured tone. “How do you feel about being stuck in an elevator?”
:confused:
 
My brother delivered prescriptions to people too ill to go out. Since the neighborhoods he visited were often unsafe, he decided to get some protection.

"Why do you need a pistol?" asked the clerk at the gun shop.

My brother had to explain, "I deliver drugs at night and carry a lot of money."
 
Joe lies dying and his wife is by his bedside.

"Honey," he says, "Before I die I have a confession to make."

"You just lie still, dear, I'll be all right."

"No, no, I have to die with a clear concience. I've slept with both your sisters, their best friends, their best friends, my secretary, the waitress at the coffee shop, the woman who delivers the mail and your mother."

"I know all about that dear," she replies, patting his hand, "Now lie still and let the poison work."
 
"has bells in it and smells like pepper."

LMAO! I had read that before but it has me laughing. :D:D:D


Speaking of bears.
alaskan_brown_bear_2.jpg


Why they carry guns in Alaska
 
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A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!'

'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'

'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied.. 'He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

'Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.

'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'

Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?'

'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you always wear a condom when you run?'

'Nope..just when it's raining.'
:eek::eek:
 
Sad news...

Dear friends,
It is with the saddest heart that I pass on the following. Please join
me in remembering a great icon.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and
complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly-greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities
turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry
Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and
Cap'n Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours as long- time
friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man
who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show
business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not
considered a very "smart" cookie, wasting much of his dough on
half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he -- even
still, as a crusty old man -- was considered a roll model for millions.
Toward the end, it was thought he would rise again, but alas, he was no
tart.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough; two children, John Dough
and Jane Dough; plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by
his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about twenty minutes.
 
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem.?
While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband,
"You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the
Holy Land, for $150."? The man thought about it and told him he would just
have her shipped home.??

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife
home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend?
only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and
three days later he rose from the dead.? I just can't take that chance!!
 
My friend was flabbergasted. She’d read that in a recent survey, our home state of California was ranked 47 in a list of the nation’s smartest states.

"Can you believe that?" she fumed. "We’re 47 out of 52!"
:eek::eek::eek:
 
A man and his secretary are having a torrid affair. They go to her apartment and have sex all afternoon. Exhausted, they fall asleep and wake up at 7:00 in the evening. The girl's frantic that the man's wife is wondering where he is and will cause trouble.

The man tells her not to worry, but asks her to go downstairs and rub his shoes in the grass until they're stained and dirty. She does this and he goes home.

When he walks in the house his wife demands to know where he's been all this time.

"I'm having an affair with my secretary and we just awakened from an afternoon of lovemaking."

She looks at his shoes and says "You lying bastard. You've been playing golf."
 
'Of course I won't laugh,'' said the nurse. ''I'm a professional. In over
twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.''

''Okay then,'' said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing
... the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it
couldn't have been bigger than an AAA battery.

Unable to control herself,
... ... the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing.
Ten minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her
composure.

''I am so sorry,'' she said. ''I don't know what came over me. On my honor
as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me,
what seems to be the problem?''

…''It's swollen,'' Fred replied.
She ran out of the room.
 
DG Hear said:
'Of course I won't laugh,'' said the nurse. ''I'm a professional. In over
twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.''

''Okay then,'' said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing
... the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it
couldn't have been bigger than an AAA battery.

Unable to control herself,
... ... the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing.
Ten minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her
composure.

''I am so sorry,'' she said. ''I don't know what came over me. On my honor
as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me,
what seems to be the problem?''

…''It's swollen,'' Fred replied.
She ran out of the room.
Click to expand...

I LOVE it! :D
 
A 72-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back normal so the doctor says, "Harry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"

Harry replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof!, the light goes on. When I'm done, poof!, the light goes off."

"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Harry's wife. "Mrs White," he says, "Harry is doing fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?"

"OH GOOD GRIEF!" Mrs White exclaims, "He's pissing in the fridge again!"
 
Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street.

They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said,
"Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad ."

Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said,
"Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation as well."

Then they see a Catholic priest enter the brothel, and the first one said, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be dying."
 
Handley_Page said:
Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street.

They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said,
"Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad ."

Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said,
"Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation as well."

Then they see a Catholic priest enter the brothel, and the first one said, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be dying."
Click to expand...

This one made me smile:kiss:
 
I was looking at the pies offered by a nearby café. They had cherry, apple, berry, peach, and Herman’s.

"What type of pie is Herman’s?" I asked the waiter.

"Apple," he said.

"Then why is it called Herman’s pie?"

"Because Herman called in to reserve it."
 
Question

If a women is uncomfortable watching you masturbate, do you think:

(A) You need more time together
(B) She's a prude
(C) She should of sat elsewhere on the bus
 
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