Humor Thread
- Thread starter DG Hear
- Start date
- Status
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
- 78,200
A guy received the following message from a "sex Toys" company:
"With reference to the large red anal stimulator illustrated on page 16, please choose another type.
That particular item is our Fire Extinguisher"
"With reference to the large red anal stimulator illustrated on page 16, please choose another type.
That particular item is our Fire Extinguisher"
Jenny_Jackson
Psycho Bitch
- Joined
- Jul 8, 2006
- Posts
- 10,872
I heard this from a nurse friend...
How do you tell the difference between and oral and a rectal thermometer?
TASTE!
How do you tell the difference between and oral and a rectal thermometer?
TASTE!
Boxlicker101
Licker of Boxes
- Joined
- Apr 5, 2003
- Posts
- 33,665
Two rednecks were looking at a
Sears catalog and admiring the models.
One says to the other,
'Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?'
The second one replies,
'Yes, they are very beautiful.
And look at the price!'
The first one says, with wide eyes,
'Wow, they aren't very expensive.
At this price, I'm buying one.'
The second one smiles and pats him on the back.
'Good ideal. Order one and if she's as beautiful
as she is in the catalog, I will get one too.'
Three weeks later,
the youngest redneck asks his friend,
'Did you ever receive the girl you ordered
from the Sears catalog?'
The second redneck replies.........
'No, but it shouldn't be long now.
I got her clothes yesterday!'
Sears catalog and admiring the models.
One says to the other,
'Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?'
The second one replies,
'Yes, they are very beautiful.
And look at the price!'
The first one says, with wide eyes,
'Wow, they aren't very expensive.
At this price, I'm buying one.'
The second one smiles and pats him on the back.
'Good ideal. Order one and if she's as beautiful
as she is in the catalog, I will get one too.'
Three weeks later,
the youngest redneck asks his friend,
'Did you ever receive the girl you ordered
from the Sears catalog?'
The second redneck replies.........
'No, but it shouldn't be long now.
I got her clothes yesterday!'
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
Random Thoughts
1) I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2) Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3) I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4) There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5) How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6) Was learning cursive really necessary?
7) Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #4. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8) I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
9) Bad decisions make good stories.
10) You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
11) Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my movie collection...again.
12) I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
13) "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this -- ever.
14) I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? D..... It!) when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
15) I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
16) I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
17) My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?
18) I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
19) I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.
1) I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2) Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3) I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4) There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5) How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6) Was learning cursive really necessary?
7) Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #4. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8) I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
9) Bad decisions make good stories.
10) You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
11) Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my movie collection...again.
12) I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
13) "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this -- ever.
14) I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? D..... It!) when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
15) I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
16) I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
17) My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?
18) I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
19) I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
Living Will
Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, "'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.
They’re such asses ...
Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, "'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.
They’re such asses ...
Crudebug
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- May 31, 2008
- Posts
- 2,878
An arab was filling out a form at a US checkpoint.
An officer was helping him out "Write your name please. What is your name?"
"Abdul Aziz"
"Next: Sex"
"Six times a week!!"
"No, no, I mean male or female!"
"Doesn't matter, sometimes even a camel will do!"
Crudebug
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- May 31, 2008
- Posts
- 2,878
WHAT MAKES A HAPPY MAN?
Daughter on the cover of Cosmo.
Son on the cover of Sports Illustrated.
Mistress on the cover of Playboy
and ..
Wife on the cover of "Missing Persons"
WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And
Her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
Crudebug
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- May 31, 2008
- Posts
- 2,878
Virginity Intact
An 85 year old spinster who was close to death, ordered her tombstone to read: BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN.
For lack of space, the engraver thought for a while and then shortened it to: "RETURNED UNOPENED"
An 85 year old spinster who was close to death, ordered her tombstone to read: BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN.
For lack of space, the engraver thought for a while and then shortened it to: "RETURNED UNOPENED"
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
OK I found some rude Jokes. If they make you mad, don't read them.
DG
Rude Jokes
Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
Q. What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn't?
A. A navel.
Q. What is the difference between a woman and a washing machine?
A. You can dunp your load in a washing machine and it won't call you a week later.
Q. Why did god create Adam before he created eve?
A. Because he didn't want anyone telling him how to make Adam.
Q. What is a lesbian's favorite thing to eat?
A. A Klondike Bar
Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A. "How do you breath through something so small?"
Q. Why don't women wear watches?
A. There's a clock on the stove!
Q. What doesn't belong in this list : Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
A. Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.
Q. Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?
A. They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman.
Q. What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook.
Q. What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
Q. What's the difference between a wife and a wheelie bin?
A. You only have to take out a wheelie bin once a week.
Q. What did the two lesbian frogs say to each other?
A. WE DO TASTE LIKE CHICKEN!
Q. What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A. Why are you shaking she's going to eat me.
Q. What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys?
A. We'd eat pussy every Thanksgiving.
Q. What's the difference between love and herpes?
A. Love doesn't last forever.
Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?
A. Call her and tell her.
Q. A man noticed that his credit card had been stolen but didn't report it.
A. The thief was spending less then his wife.
Q. Why do women have small feet?
A. So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
Q. Why do men die before their wives?
A. They want to.
DG
Rude Jokes
Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
Q. What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn't?
A. A navel.
Q. What is the difference between a woman and a washing machine?
A. You can dunp your load in a washing machine and it won't call you a week later.
Q. Why did god create Adam before he created eve?
A. Because he didn't want anyone telling him how to make Adam.
Q. What is a lesbian's favorite thing to eat?
A. A Klondike Bar
Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A. "How do you breath through something so small?"
Q. Why don't women wear watches?
A. There's a clock on the stove!
Q. What doesn't belong in this list : Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
A. Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.
Q. Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?
A. They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman.
Q. What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook.
Q. What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
Q. What's the difference between a wife and a wheelie bin?
A. You only have to take out a wheelie bin once a week.
Q. What did the two lesbian frogs say to each other?
A. WE DO TASTE LIKE CHICKEN!
Q. What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A. Why are you shaking she's going to eat me.
Q. What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys?
A. We'd eat pussy every Thanksgiving.
Q. What's the difference between love and herpes?
A. Love doesn't last forever.
Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?
A. Call her and tell her.
Q. A man noticed that his credit card had been stolen but didn't report it.
A. The thief was spending less then his wife.
Q. Why do women have small feet?
A. So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
Q. Why do men die before their wives?
A. They want to.
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
Rude Jokes 2
Q. How do men sort out their laundry?
A. Filthy, and filthy but wearable.
Q. What's the difference between a man and ET?
A. ET phoned home.
Q. Why haven't they sent a woman to the moon yet?
A. It doesn't need cleaning.
Q. Why is a pap smear called a pap smear?
A. Because women wouldn't do them if they were called cunt scrapes.
Q. What's the difference between your paycheck and your cock?
A. You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!
Q. What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
A. Brothel sprouts.
Q. What's the difference between a 40 year-old man, and a 40 year-old woman?
A. A 40 year-old woman dreams of having children, a 40 year-old man dreams of dating them.
Q. What's white, smells, and can be found in panties?
A. Clitty litter
Q. I married Miss Right.
A. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."
Q. Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
A. When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.
Q. How do you know when your cat's done cleaning himself?
A. He's smoking a cigarette.
Q. Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
A. He worked it out with a pencil.
Q. Who's the world's greatest athlete?
A. The guy who finishes first and third in a masturbation contest.
Q. Why do men pay more for car insurance?
A. Women don't get blow jobs while they're driving
Q. Why do schools in West Virginia only have Drivers Ed two days a week?
A. Because they need their cars for Sex Ed the other three days a week!
Q. Three words to ruin a man's ego...
A. "Is it in?"
Q. What is the cheapest meat?
A. Deer balls, there under a buck.
Q. How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count?
A. If the girl has to chew, before she swallows.
Q. What's in the toilet of the star ship enterprise?
A. The captains log.
Q. What do you call a woman with her tongue sticking out?
A. A lesbian with a hard-on.
Q. What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A. A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.
Q. Did you hear they came out with a new lesbian shoe?
A. They're called Dikes. They have an extra long tongue and only take one finger to get off!
Q. What's the difference between tampons and cowboy hats?
A. Cowboy hats are for ass holes.
Q. How do men sort out their laundry?
A. Filthy, and filthy but wearable.
Q. What's the difference between a man and ET?
A. ET phoned home.
Q. Why haven't they sent a woman to the moon yet?
A. It doesn't need cleaning.
Q. Why is a pap smear called a pap smear?
A. Because women wouldn't do them if they were called cunt scrapes.
Q. What's the difference between your paycheck and your cock?
A. You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!
Q. What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
A. Brothel sprouts.
Q. What's the difference between a 40 year-old man, and a 40 year-old woman?
A. A 40 year-old woman dreams of having children, a 40 year-old man dreams of dating them.
Q. What's white, smells, and can be found in panties?
A. Clitty litter
Q. I married Miss Right.
A. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."
Q. Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
A. When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.
Q. How do you know when your cat's done cleaning himself?
A. He's smoking a cigarette.
Q. Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
A. He worked it out with a pencil.
Q. Who's the world's greatest athlete?
A. The guy who finishes first and third in a masturbation contest.
Q. Why do men pay more for car insurance?
A. Women don't get blow jobs while they're driving
Q. Why do schools in West Virginia only have Drivers Ed two days a week?
A. Because they need their cars for Sex Ed the other three days a week!
Q. Three words to ruin a man's ego...
A. "Is it in?"
Q. What is the cheapest meat?
A. Deer balls, there under a buck.
Q. How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count?
A. If the girl has to chew, before she swallows.
Q. What's in the toilet of the star ship enterprise?
A. The captains log.
Q. What do you call a woman with her tongue sticking out?
A. A lesbian with a hard-on.
Q. What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A. A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.
Q. Did you hear they came out with a new lesbian shoe?
A. They're called Dikes. They have an extra long tongue and only take one finger to get off!
Q. What's the difference between tampons and cowboy hats?
A. Cowboy hats are for ass holes.
An Actual Craig's List Personals Ad
To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
Date: 2009-05-27, 1 :43 a.m. E.S.T.
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The even ing was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!
I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].
After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet.. [That made his day!]
I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.
The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc..).
perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.Have a good day!
Thoughtfully yours,
Alex
P.S. Remember this motto ... An armed society makes for a more civil society!
To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
Date: 2009-05-27, 1 :43 a.m. E.S.T.
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The even ing was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!
I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].
After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet.. [That made his day!]
I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.
The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc..).
perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.Have a good day!
Thoughtfully yours,
Alex
P.S. Remember this motto ... An armed society makes for a more civil society!
- Status
