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Old 10-11-2017, 09:34 PM   #1
goud21
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Sexual relationship with no attachment/emotion?

Forgive me if this is in the wrong place and feel free to move if need be. TL;DR at the bottom

Just some background for you. I'm 36, been married for 7 years, have a couple kids, but am in an almost completely sexless marriage. Like...I'm lucky if we have sex 3 times a year and even then it's basically missionary position until I get off...almost like to her it's just something she feels she needs to do. No matter how romantic I try to be, no matter how much I try to do to help her be in the mood more often...she just tells me she's tired from being home with two young kids all day and she's not in the mood most of the time.

There's a bar I go to for happy hour after work from time to time. There's an extremely attractive bartender there who was just friendly at first but has been extremely flirty the last 6 months or so whenever I'm in (things like coming around the bar to give me a hug when I get there, giving me her phone number, texting me at random times "just to say hi", etc, etc).

A little more about her. She's 33, been dating the same guy for 5 years, and it sounds like it's a very rocky relationship that has had more downs than ups in the last year. She's at a point where she either wants him to propose or for him to admit that it's not going to happen and figure out what she wants from life (and whether it's with him or not).

We've hung out together with some of my friends and some of her friends before (lunches during the work day, happy hour at bars besides hers, etc, etc). Never anything one on one...until today. Today we had lunch together and it ended up being just the two of us. There was supposed to be a third person joining us, but she cancelled last minute. In no way was this a "date." But...she was very flirty. Sat next to me in the booth instead of across from me. Was touching my arm, my hand, my leg. To be fair, I wasn't shy about returning the attention.

We laughed, we joked...she asked why her boyfriend couldn't be more like me. I walked her back to her car and we ended up making out in her car for like 20 minutes, before we had another serious conversation about the fact that I'm not looking for a relationship, I'm not looking to change my life situation, I'm not going to leave my wife for anyone. She said she totally understands that...then started kissing me again and rubbing my crotch through my pants, finding that I was thoroughly turned on in the moment. Unfortunately (or fortunately?), I had an important work meeting and I had to go before it went any further.

So here's my question, is it possible for two people to casually hook-up without getting emotionally attached beyond being friends? I know I could absolutely hook up with her....but I fear that she's going to get too attached (if all goes well...for all I know, we end up not being sexually compatible and we hook up once and go on with our lives). I'd really just be in it for the sex and the friendship...some no strings attached fun with a friend I trust.

Oh...and I realize there are people who strongly believe in monogamy and are going to have an issue with us both having significant others, so I'm not really looking for discussion on "cheating" and the moral issues some may have with us hooking up.

TL;DR Can two people in separate relationships hook-up with each other on the side for some fun/flirty times without there being emotional attachment in the long run?
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Old 10-11-2017, 09:56 PM   #2
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Quote:
Originally Posted by goud21 View Post
Forgive me if this is in the wrong place and feel free to move if need be. TL;DR at the bottom

Just some background for you. I'm 36, been married for 7 years, have a couple kids, but am in an almost completely sexless marriage. Like...I'm lucky if we have sex 3 times a year and even then it's basically missionary position until I get off...almost like to her it's just something she feels she needs to do. No matter how romantic I try to be, no matter how much I try to do to help her be in the mood more often...she just tells me she's tired from being home with two young kids all day and she's not in the mood most of the time.

There's a bar I go to for happy hour after work from time to time. There's an extremely attractive bartender there who was just friendly at first but has been extremely flirty the last 6 months or so whenever I'm in (things like coming around the bar to give me a hug when I get there, giving me her phone number, texting me at random times "just to say hi", etc, etc).

A little more about her. She's 33, been dating the same guy for 5 years, and it sounds like it's a very rocky relationship that has had more downs than ups in the last year. She's at a point where she either wants him to propose or for him to admit that it's not going to happen and figure out what she wants from life (and whether it's with him or not).

We've hung out together with some of my friends and some of her friends before (lunches during the work day, happy hour at bars besides hers, etc, etc). Never anything one on one...until today. Today we had lunch together and it ended up being just the two of us. There was supposed to be a third person joining us, but she cancelled last minute. In no way was this a "date." But...she was very flirty. Sat next to me in the booth instead of across from me. Was touching my arm, my hand, my leg. To be fair, I wasn't shy about returning the attention.

We laughed, we joked...she asked why her boyfriend couldn't be more like me. I walked her back to her car and we ended up making out in her car for like 20 minutes, before we had another serious conversation about the fact that I'm not looking for a relationship, I'm not looking to change my life situation, I'm not going to leave my wife for anyone. She said she totally understands that...then started kissing me again and rubbing my crotch through my pants, finding that I was thoroughly turned on in the moment. Unfortunately (or fortunately?), I had an important work meeting and I had to go before it went any further.

So here's my question, is it possible for two people to casually hook-up without getting emotionally attached beyond being friends? I know I could absolutely hook up with her....but I fear that she's going to get too attached (if all goes well...for all I know, we end up not being sexually compatible and we hook up once and go on with our lives). I'd really just be in it for the sex and the friendship...some no strings attached fun with a friend I trust.

Oh...and I realize there are people who strongly believe in monogamy and are going to have an issue with us both having significant others, so I'm not really looking for discussion on "cheating" and the moral issues some may have with us hooking up.

TL;DR Can two people in separate relationships hook-up with each other on the side for some fun/flirty times without there being emotional attachment in the long run?
yes, but make sure the parther in the relationship agrees.
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Old 10-11-2017, 10:02 PM   #3
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Perhaps - if it is a once in a while thing. Being with someone not yours starts forming an emotional bond. Things like selective comparisons start to make the other person seem really attractive.
But I guess this is not new information - otherwise you would not have asked the question.
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Old 10-11-2017, 10:13 PM   #4
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It is certainly possible for two people to have sex without an notional attachment- been there many times, lol. But there needs to be a mutual understanding on the subject. Please make sure she knows you are married, and let her know what your constraints are. But let her know you want her, even if it is primarily sexual. And be nice to her- show her she's appreciated, and you may have a long term lover. I would just hope you can let your wife know too- I'm not getting it here, so I'm getting it elsewhere.

You're both adults and can make your own decisions. Oh yes, and protect your children.

Last edited by srgreene : 10-11-2017 at 10:15 PM.
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Old 10-11-2017, 11:19 PM   #5
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The short and the long answer is yes, you both can.
If the situation starts to change, please let the other one know.
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Old 10-11-2017, 11:45 PM   #6
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No Attachment No Emotion??

The answer is yes.

However you can not control how she will react if say your wife all of a sudden becomes more affectionate or horny. She may turn on you once she has leverage over you so your always going to be in a tight spot, even if you trust her neither of you can predict the future and things could change.

With that in mind to have a NO attachment kind of relationship with another person also in a relationship the both of you have to start out with the RULE that you fuck when you need it but not all the time. This is much more of a blowing off steam situation or having a good work out, having sex outside of your individual relationships is at the end of the day a cry for help and if you don't fix the core issue it will only end badly.

My personal experience with this topic happened when my girl wanted me to propose and started dating another guy on the side to make me. I wasn't ready and she just pissed me off when she tried to play games with me so I broke it off and left her. After that my work friend ended up offering to fuck me so I would feel better and it would be no strings, she was dame sexy and I gave in after a while. We slept together and for some time it was just how we planned, but when I started looking at other girls and her boyfriend started to fix his ways it got more stressful. We kept seeing each other because it was comfortable and we happened to be good in bed together, then she wanted to have sex times I wasn't available or with another women and it became more complicated. Finally we had a serious talk and had to break it off so we could keep the friendship and go back to the way things were, but it was close to blowing up in our face.

I hope this helps, just remember that if you go for a taste you can't go back to normal and the future is a bitch.
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Old 10-12-2017, 02:30 AM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by goud21 View Post
... am in an almost completely sexless marriage...
...she just tells me she's tired from being home with two young kids all day and she's not in the mood most of the time...
...There's a bar I go to for happy hour after work...
You said it, I just extracted it.
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Old 10-12-2017, 02:53 AM   #8
chame1eon
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Quote:
Originally Posted by goud21 View Post
.
TL;DR Can two people in separate relationships hook-up with each other on the side for some fun/flirty times without there being emotional attachment in the long run?
Yes. Definitely, but I think it depends on the people.
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I'm a 36 year old bisexual women who works in IT. I've been with my bf for more than a decade and we have 2 young kids, but he knows I come here. I didn't come here to chat originally, but I'm warming to the idea. OK I'm warm to the idea now lol.

I'm not opposed to the idea of voice or video chat, but its never a good time and roleplay style chat reminds me of DnD, but without the cool magic swords.

I'm not interested in chatting with people a lot older than me, though I don't mind a friendly conversation. If you want to chat I would at least like to know what you look like. I'll probably add a picture later, but for now you can see my thread in the amateur board.

Also I've been peeking in here when I'm at places like work or just busy so if I'm online, but don't answer your pm right away please don't take it personally.
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Old 10-12-2017, 03:00 AM   #9
KimGordon67
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Sorry hon, but in my reading of your OP, the 'no emotional attachment' boat sailed a while back.

The only way I've managed to this is hook up with guys I don't really like a great deal, but who are good in bed. Given the way you talk about this woman, you clearly do like her, quite a lot. I rate your chances of having sexy times, with all the attendant stuff that involves, and not falling in love to be extremely low. Sorry. But of course, that's just me ... maybe you'll be able to do it.
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Old 10-12-2017, 05:21 AM   #10
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That seems like it would be a difficult task to do, sex is not just sex, it involves so much more. That's what I've learned. I would try to make it work with your wife first?
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Old 10-12-2017, 02:37 PM   #11
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That seems like it would be a difficult task to do, sex is not just sex, it involves so much more. That's what I've learned. I would try to make it work with your wife first?
I agree with what LanguageOfLove and KimGordon67 say.

The main question I think your predicament poses is why you and your wife appear to have lost interest in each other sexually. It sounds as if you wouldn't be looking for sex elsewhere if your physical relationship with your wife was more successful. I'm wondering whether it has always been this way or whether something has changed over the years.
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Old 10-13-2017, 09:39 AM   #12
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Sounds like the bartender is very much into you, and you seem to be very interested in her. From your post , the writing is on the wall ( no pun intended ) if you get involved with her and you make a connection, you'll be leaving your wife. Even if you lied to yourself saying that you're not leaving her for anybody, you will, because if she offers you something you're not getting at home, and it goes beyond sex too, you'll want that full time.
Me,, i'd go for the bartender or at least give a go. Lifes too short.
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Old 10-13-2017, 03:20 PM   #13
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. Even if you lied to yourself saying that you're not leaving her for anybody, you will, because if she offers you something you're not getting at home, and it goes beyond sex too, you'll want that full time.
To build on this, you leave your family for this other woman. Things work out. What"s to stop your situation from repeating itself? Let's say she wants kids. She's going to go through the changes pregnancy wrecks a woman with. She is going to be tired. Maybe suffer depression. Are you going to be a forty-something, hanging in a new bar, when you meet another woman who's into you?

Marriage is hard. Yeah, it takes effort. Yeah, it can suck. Trust me, I know that a sexless marriage is not a fun thing. For a number of reasons I have been right there for years. It sucks. sometimes, it feels like the most unfair situation in the world. Often times, it is.

But before you burn the marriage down, see if there are options that will work for you and your wife. Don't expect there will be. Don't expect her to be happy about it. Don't expect her to get as concerned with your sex life as you are. But start with Frank and honest conversation.

Been there. Anything less, you're fooling yourself.

If you talk to her and she can't be bothered. Then you have to make some hard choices.
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Old 10-14-2017, 09:29 AM   #14
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Yes.

BUT.

That is not what you two have!

At the least you two already like each other care what the other likes...I have to run...family get together for breakfast!

Later!

I'm BAAAACK! and full and sleepy..Mexican breakfast food will do that!

So what I am saying is that SOME level of emotional attachment has to be applied.

The question is are the two of you able to control it? It helps if you don't necessary like the kind of person the other is or they are not among the favorite type...
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