Finally, I Bit the Bullet... Feedback Appreciated

Hi All,

After years (and years) I finally posted a story on Lit.

As it's my first go at this, I'd love some constructive feedback/ratings/comments, whatever so that I can improve as the characters' relationship continues...

The story is called Blueprints: https://www.literotica.com/s/blueprints

I really hope it's enjoyable!

M

M,

Welcome to the writer's place - in your story comments you'll get reader feedback, here fellow writers will have a go. So, here goes.

I started your story, stopped half way through. Then came back to it and finished. I thought, hmm, why did I do that, giving this story the benefit of my doubt?

And I think it's because I found the narrator quite engaging, good with observational detail, full of wanting to tell me things. And there's my point; the narrator, your voice, is more present in this piece than the characters. Zara ends up being quite well drawn, but it's a struggle pulling her out of the clutter of detail in the story - much of which seems to be irrelevant to propelling the tale forward, but every now and then I'm told something and I think, oh, maybe this will be important. But it's not. So, the old writer cliche applies here, I think: "show, don't tell." You're telling me lots of stuff, but I'm not feeling it. I want to, but there's so much detail, I'm being shot at with confetti. None of it's sticking.

But then you write this:

Joanna's grip, although firm had a soft touch, almost gentle, which, Zara could appreciate for longer than one should. The Architect could feel that ever familiar heat rising as she went to detach herself from, Joanna's prolonged grip. However, in one graceful movement, the Professor had gripped her hand a fraction tighter as her other hand cupped the slightly shorter woman's pretty face. Delicate fingers pressed lightly against her jaw line, raising her head a fraction just before their lips met and Joanna kissed her.

It was only for two seconds, three tops. Not enough time for, Zara to truly register what had happened until, Joanna had pulled away, simultaneously releasing her face and hand. The younger woman stood, looking slightly shocked, her dark eyes flitting from those of her counter part to the floor and back. She cleared her throat quietly, swallowing the moan that, should the embrace have been extended, would definitely have escaped from her full lips.

Click to expand...

...and I think, there it is, this girl can write, she's going to pull me into this. And the thing is, here, you the narrator have become Zara, and that's why these paragraphs "work" for me. I feel the two or three second wonder (others here will tell you I drag out the 2-3 second wonder into a year and a half, so I'll claim some expertise here!). There are some distancing things which become a little curious - 'the Architect' 'the Professor' - and I think they are exactly that - distancing. And so is your narrative voice - you're distancing yourself from the story, and it shows, it's tentative, it's not sure of itself.

The sense I get here, and it comes back around to my affection for your narrator, is that you, M, want to speak with Zara' s voice, but you're not quite brave enough. Be brave, write another story (or another version of this one, but leave this one here and leave it alone), but next time, maybe write it in first person. This will do two things - first, it will focus your writing of detail to that which is important to 'you the character', thus removing clutter; second, it will get you much closer to the action, and thus more intimate.

There is a wonderful potential for this story to become very intimate, very sensual - what could go wrong, a strong minded young woman being seduced by an experienced older woman who knows exactly what she wants and how to get it? What could go wrong is you keep distancing yourself from the wonder of that young woman. You want to be her, so write yourself into her. You've been brave, posting your first story, so be braver, write yourself into the next chapter.

In other words, keep writing. You have the potential to be very good - technically you've got the chops (a little rough in places, but hey, first story, right?) - just don't run away from yourself.

Good luck, I'll be interested to see how you grow.

EB

EB,

What a helpful, insightful critique. Thank you so much. I guess the extended build up was to really get a feel for, Zara. But I take your point that elements of the story are superficial. I did have that worry when I posted it. Why would anyone care she was away to take on a new project at work? Having said that, I'm not sure I'd enjoy anything too rushed- I love detailed build up. How do you recommend balancing one's preferred style with your 'show and tell' reference.

How do you feel about the prospect of writing chapter two from Joanna's POV? I won't be writing in the first person- not my thing. But, do I switch the perspectives or concentrate on this story being from Zara's point of view. My take on this is to try to write an older more experienced woman. Give the audience some insight into Joanna also. However, I won't know if I can pull this off until o start writing.

Thank you for your time, encouragement and valuable insight. I really really appreciate it.

M

My recommendation would be to stick with Zara's pov, I think - that way Joanna is kept more mysterious and unknown - let the readers discover her as Zara does.

Interesting that you say first-person isn't your thing, yet you get almost the same effect with your narrative voice. You're writing what I would call a "close narrator" - I have no idea if that's a writer's term or not - as distinct from an omniscient narrator or an impartial narrator. For erotica, where intimacy and emotion is, for me at least, the main point of writing, I take the view 'the closer the better'. A fellow writer summed it up by saying, my god EB, you get right onto the pillow, whereas I just want to shut the bedroom door and leave them alone. But at the time I was exclusively writing first-person, and it was my pillow, so the comment made sense.

There are many conversations here about first person vs third - I started writing exclusively first person, for example, but over time have become as comfortable with third - and there are strengths and weaknesses for both. Mixing voices can work too, provided you give readers a very clear indication when you shift voice, by using clear section breaks and an immediate hint that your pov has changed.

In terms of long build-up it's important to avoid what many writers call "info dump", where a natural flow gets interrupted by backing the truck up and saying, oh, by the way this is important back story. When often it's not really important at all - your story did that quite a bit until you got into your flow and your characters become more established. But for every one who says, don't bother me with back story, you're going to find some one else who wants chapter and verse, including shoe size.

Keep writing though - it's fascinating once you've got a body of work up to go back a year later and read it over and see the changes in your style - and also to see the early versions of your recurrent themes.

Hey EB,

Thanks for more advice.

I tried to write a bit from, Joanna's POV to see how it felt. I wrote three lines in an hour. Not exactly a roaring success... So, Z it is!

Writing the second Chapter is very difficult. I'm feeling the pressure of expectation now, although I'm sure that's self inflicted. Nonetheless I've enjoyed what I've written thus far and look forward to continuing with it.

Thanks again for your help. It's very much appreciated!