surviving vanilla

All_4_Love said:

Also, if she does ever come to feel vulnerable enough to tell you the things that she has done, please, for her sake, don't make her worst fears come true and change how you feel about her.

She didn't ask to be this way, I can assure you. At the end of the day, it is just kinky sex. So what? It doesn't change the woman that she is, the woman you fell in love with.

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Thank you for the advice. This is one that I have tossed around in my head a lot. You are right, regardless of what she has done she is still the same woman I fell in love with. As a matter of fact in some ways she is the woman that she is because of the things she has done and been through. Part of the reason we fit so well together is because of our past, whether it was good or bad, it made us the people we are today.

I hope someday she feels comfortable enough to talk to me about her past, it does help me understand her better.

earth7913 said:

Thank you for the advice. This is one that I have tossed around in my head a lot. You are right, regardless of what she has done she is still the same woman I fell in love with. As a matter of fact in some ways she is the woman that she is because of the things she has done and been through. Part of the reason we fit so well together is because of our past, whether it was good or bad, it made us the people we are today.

I hope someday she feels comfortable enough to talk to me about her past, it does help me understand her better.

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I think she is truly blessed to have you in her life. You sound like a remarkable person, a loving and caring soul.

I wish good things for you both. It sounds like you could have the makings of a loving, caring, lasting, beautiful relationship.

I wish the same things for myself, as I think I may have found the same.

All_4_Love said:

I think she is truly blessed to have you in her life. You sound like a remarkable person, a loving and caring soul.

I wish good things for you both. It sounds like you could have the makings of a loving, caring, lasting, beautiful relationship.

I wish the same things for myself, as I think I may have found the same.

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That is so very kind of you, thank you.

I hope you have found the person that fits with you too, it is a wonderful feeling to have that person there beside you.

struggling

I am currently in what I would call a vanilla marriage and struggling terribly. I think it would be more bearable if it wasnt such a rigid and controlling man who imo is incapable of loving someone other than himself. About a year ago I met a man on here and our relationship evolved over time to what I would consider that of a loving dom/daddy to his baby girl. This relationship while difficult because we are both otherwise attached, was one of the most amazing experiences I have ever had when it comes to realizing and understanding the part of me that is hidden deep inside. I would give almost anything to have that experience in real life. Those of you who have found it and get to live it are truly blessed. I can only hope one day it will be a reality for me.

Lists/questionnaires

earth7913 said:

I am not sure if she ever has had someone tie her up and beat her, there is part of me that believes that she has. I don't think she wants that again but I don't really know. She has changed so much from when we first met. She is reluctant to tell me the things she has done because she worries about how I will feel about her after, although I wonder if the things I have imagined are worse then the things she has been through.

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Have you guys ever tried doing some of the kink lists/questionnaires? Many are fairly comprehensive and you can do them on your own time and just allow the other to peruse your answer for purposes of figuring where eachother are at. Sometimes, discussing our preferences that may be considered unusual or deviant by others is more easily done in a manner that doesn't require direct conversation or eye contact. Once you guys have shared, you can kind of figure out where you seem closest and where one party might be comfortable with going in order to more closely align with another. Like in all relationship matters, being a good listener and not trying to judge the other party are paramount. It seems that you two are reasonably good with that - this suggestion is to allow some informational transactions without having to explain yourselves right away. Oftentimes, it is easier to discuss matters either after learning more about the partner in this way or after trying some of the things you might be curious about. There is a hell of a lot of difficult-to-quantify information that is better learned experientially - having a list of interests to go from can help you start working in areas you find more interesting/comfortable until you get to where you really feel that you understand eachother's needs more precisely.

Not everyone likes to do these things, but I've found them very helpful in terms of "breaking the ice" on what each party in a relationship likes/wants/needs (and cannot get into, for that matter). These preferences obviously can evolve and change with experience, but getting a current baseline can be very helpful in my experience.

gluttonne said:

Have you guys ever tried doing some of the kink lists/questionnaires? Many are fairly comprehensive and you can do them on your own time and just allow the other to peruse your answer for purposes of figuring where eachother are at. Sometimes, discussing our preferences that may be considered unusual or deviant by others is more easily done in a manner that doesn't require direct conversation or eye contact. Once you guys have shared, you can kind of figure out where you seem closest and where one party might be comfortable with going in order to more closely align with another. Like in all relationship matters, being a good listener and not trying to judge the other party are paramount. It seems that you two are reasonably good with that - this suggestion is to allow some informational transactions without having to explain yourselves right away. Oftentimes, it is easier to discuss matters either after learning more about the partner in this way or after trying some of the things you might be curious about. There is a hell of a lot of difficult-to-quantify information that is better learned experientially - having a list of interests to go from can help you start working in areas you find more interesting/comfortable until you get to where you really feel that you understand eachother's needs more precisely.

Not everyone likes to do these things, but I've found them very helpful in terms of "breaking the ice" on what each party in a relationship likes/wants/needs (and cannot get into, for that matter). These preferences obviously can evolve and change with experience, but getting a current baseline can be very helpful in my experience.

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That's not a bad idea and I will certainly keep it in mind. When we first met she already knew what she wanted and what she didn't want but with our relationship developing I think many of those have changed. She has told me that what she wants sexually has changed, exactly what those changes are is what I am not very clear on. Your suggestion could help with that.

We are taking our time, letting each other explore and feel safe. We come from such different backgrounds it is taking some time for us to be comfortable with each others experiences. I am looking forward to exploring more with her but the fear that I am just too vanilla will constantly nag at me.

Thank you for your thoughts and suggestions!!

earth7913 said:

That's not a bad idea and I will certainly keep it in mind. When we first met she already knew what she wanted and what she didn't want but with our relationship developing I think many of those have changed. She has told me that what she wants sexually has changed, exactly what those changes are is what I am not very clear on. Your suggestion could help with that.

We are taking our time, letting each other explore and feel safe. We come from such different backgrounds it is taking some time for us to be comfortable with each others experiences. I am looking forward to exploring more with her but the fear that I am just too vanilla will constantly nag at me.

Thank you for your thoughts and suggestions!!

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I am on the female side of a similar marriage. I had a much more adventurous sex life than he ever had (including a BDSM relationship) and I can't say that I've told him every little thing I ever did but he has had the highlight reel.

I am incredibly happy and satisfied, though because he respects that I have kinks and is open to explore them. I'd love to have more, but it's all a balance because he is truly my best friend and partner. I have accepted that he may never take on a true Dom role and I'm ok with that and would never expect it bc that's not the man I fell in love with. I accept and love him just the way he is... he just needs to concede to some rough, kinky sex once in a while. He is naturally curious and receptive and actually surprised me one day with a set of very nice leather wrist cuffs and I can't say enough how it was one of the sweetest things he's done for me.

I like the above suggestion of the questionnaire, though and may try it for my own situation. It sounds like a very non-threatening way to introduce new ideas and spark conversation. Maybe you'll even discover your not as "vanilla" as you think!

Best of luck and feel free to PM me to discuss more.

lydia_kitty said:

I am on the female side of a similar marriage. I had a much more adventurous sex life than he ever had (including a BDSM relationship) and I can't say that I've told him every little thing I ever did but he has had the highlight reel.

I am incredibly happy and satisfied, though because he respects that I have kinks and is open to explore them. I'd love to have more, but it's all a balance because he is truly my best friend and partner. I have accepted that he may never take on a true Dom role and I'm ok with that and would never expect it bc that's not the man I fell in love with. I accept and love him just the way he is... he just needs to concede to some rough, kinky sex once in a while. He is naturally curious and receptive and actually surprised me one day with a set of very nice leather wrist cuffs and I can't say enough how it was one of the sweetest things he's done for me.

I like the above suggestion of the questionnaire, though and may try it for my own situation. It sounds like a very non-threatening way to introduce new ideas and spark conversation. Maybe you'll even discover your not as "vanilla" as you think!

Best of luck and feel free to PM me to discuss more.

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It is nice to hear that this kind of relationship has worked for someone else. I might not be as vanilla as I think but it is something that I am just starting to explore. Plus it seems like the term 'vanilla' is different for everyone so I am not sure where I fall in that either.

She has told me that I have a dominant personality but I am not a Dom, I haven't figure out if that is a good thing or a bad thing yet!!

Your post is encouraging to me though, thank you. I have sent you a PM too. Look forward to hearing from you.

This thread has been rather enlightening for me. Coming from a Dom perspective, the idea of "surviving vanilla" is comprehensible but still somewhat foreign to me. I haven't ever taken a kink-less relationship so far as to be stuck; all of my relationships end up with kinks one way or another and I've never really felt the need to hide what I am.

I started reading this thread because the sub I just started training is coming from a similar background; she got out of a relationship that fell apart mostly because he wouldn't accept her kink. Although I knew her last relationship was unsatisfying, from what I'm reading here, it's a lot more than just that. I have to admit, I've taken the fact that I don't have this problem for granted and seeing how hard it is for many of you makes me appreciate my sub even more, which I have to say I didn't know was possible.

Also, earth7913, this may sound somewhat strange coming from me considering your situation, but based on what I'm reading and if you're being sincere, I think you're on the right path. My sub came from a relationship where her boyfriend couldn't/wouldn't accept her. He would tolerate her kinks but ultimately would never accept them. Remember that "tolerate" is synonymous with "suffer", the connotation of which is to endure something you actually would otherwise choose to reject or refuse. While I may make my sub endure a great deal, and suffer quite a bit, I do so because I wholly accept who she is. That is why she completely and willingly submits herself to me. From where I stand, that is the single most important aspect of any relationship, vanilla or not, but more so in a D/s relationship.

If you accept her wholly, all of her, and not just the part you know, or the part you want to know, then you have nothing to fear. Good luck.

Socratic_Wisdom said:

Also, earth7913, this may sound somewhat strange coming from me considering your situation, but based on what I'm reading and if you're being sincere, I think you're on the right path. My sub came from a relationship where her boyfriend couldn't/wouldn't accept her. He would tolerate her kinks but ultimately would never accept them. Remember that "tolerate" is synonymous with "suffer", the connotation of which is to endure something you actually would otherwise choose to reject or refuse. While I may make my sub endure a great deal, and suffer quite a bit, I do so because I wholly accept who she is. That is why she completely and willingly submits herself to me. From where I stand, that is the single most important aspect of any relationship, vanilla or not, but more so in a D/s relationship.

If you accept her wholly, all of her, and not just the part you know, or the part you want to know, then you have nothing to fear. Good luck.

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I can assure you that I am very sincere about making this relationship work. I think age and maturity have a lot to do with being able to accept the her and her kink. If I would have been tasked to do this in my twenty's I believe that it would have a very different outcome but I am in my forties and I view the world much differently now. After surviving a 20+ year marriage where it was a struggle to even make vanilla work in the bedroom I would never have imagined myself here contemplating the thoughts that I am having now. I have accepted her kink, it was kind of dropped on me one night over a year ago, that ended up being a very long night for me but even then I was willing to accept who she was, kink and all.

We are making it work now and it is going very well for us but my biggest fear is the future. Right now we are exploring and trying to find my limits, where I am comfortable, and what I enjoy. What if in the end I am not kinky enough for her and over time she decides that she needs more, something above and beyond what I can give her. I have enjoyed playing together but I am not sure I will ever be comfortable enough if she wanted to go play out on her own, maybe have a Dom and do some more training on her own, I don't know if I can do that. So where would that leave us? Someone would not be able to be themselves, she would hold herself back and 'suffer' or I would let her go do her thing and 'suffer'. I know nobody has an answer for me, we will have to see how our relationship develops and see where we end up. Maybe we wont be that far apart, I guess that is my hope.

This thread has been very good for me too. I has been great hearing from so many different people with such different perspectives. Thank you all for your input.

dark_tipped_rose said:

I am curious if anyone knew they were kinky and then went into a vanilla relationship, and it broke you but you survived it

how long did it take youto recover?

i know it sounds crazy but surviving vanilla is a bit traumatizing

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Don't bother with any of it. People are boring and relationships are not worth the effort.