Humiliation & Degradation - Need Input

So, my partner and I interchange Dom/Sub roles, but the majority of the time I'm the Domme. I've always leaned more towards Sensual Domme, but he "really" gets off on humiliation and being degraded. I've refrained from a verbal onslaught partly because I'm worried he might not actually like it once I get going, and partly because I worry that once I finally allow myself to say the kind of things be wants to hear that I won't want to go back to being affectionate in my control over him.

The reason for my post is to ask for feedback on what you've used in the past. What works well? What pushed the limits too far?

I want to make him feel like a cheap whore and let him know that he's mine to do with as I please, but in the same breath I want him to remember after our fun is over that I love him and have the utmost respect for him.

Thanks in advance for your responses

*edited to add what we've agreed is off limits:
-excessive pain (welts, blood)
-bodily waste
-discussion about other lovers

Aside from that he's pretty open to whatever my depraved mind can think up.

I wish I had some feedback for you! I am only now-- after years of being squickd by it-- starting to explore verbal humiliation.

The advice I've gotten though, is to define, as far as possible, your (or his) boundaries. For instance, don't insult my intelligence... and I don't think I want to be called a whore. Mostly because it's so far from the truth-- I don't do this for money... But it's still pretty new to me,too. So I expect my reactions to change.

I think there is a slim window between "meh!" because something does not apply or it's obviously true and you have already accepted it and "I don't think I can be around you if you can say something like that to me".
One person's "meh" can easily be someone else's "adios".
Some people just want the erotic feeling of slight embarrassment and others want something devastating but cathartic.

I think it's a very individual thing. In my experience, the things that can create that sinking feeling in the stomach, the hot and cold rush, without simultaniously setting off fight and flight impulses, are things that come from someone who knows you really well.

This is something I have struggled with in the past for the same reasons. I no longer have a partner who I would do this with - if I did it still wouldn't be easy.

A lot of it is my own hang ups from my personal past. It's something that on the surface was hard for me to really get into. For me, I think I made assumptions and dismissed it.

My suggestion for verbal is to first have a serious discussion about where you cannot go. Figure out what topics are not ok, if you in touchon something harsh for them you may loose all your momentum in your head.

Think about what you can say (before you play!) Consider writing it down, practice it if you feel awkward saying it. The more comfortable you are before you try it the easier you will ferl, the easier it will go. My first attempt had no planning and it felt like a train wreck. Winging it didn't work, but entering it with a plan gave me a chance to enjoy myself in the beginning.

I cannot say it feels completely natural, but I loved it more than I thought I would. Saying those things won't take away your others actions.. those are the ones that show you love and respect him. Just keep the nasty talk where it belongs

Thank you for everyone's feedback. We've discussed what I thought would be danger zones and have confirmed certain areas that will land me in the "goodbye" zone. We decided together that if I felt like I might be crossing a line to ask what color he was seeing "green, yellow, red" so I know if I can move forward or if I need to rein it in a bit. I think we know each other well enough to know that our playtime doesn't reflect on our everyday lives, and that it's just for our own enjoyment.

I definitely understand what previous poster mentioned regarding the variation everyone has on what they will and will not tolerate. Insulting my intelligence would be a grave mistake, but he would thoroughly enjoy it. Definitely a good reason to know your partner well as you venture further into BDSM

frankly the whole humiliation thing turns me on. I’ve been a top & a bottom and I’ve always known that bdsm is a game and it exists within certain parameters and time frames. It’s not real except for the sense that I can play these games with someone I trust. Trust is the key.

If I may give a thought...verbal humiliation does not have to be name calling or insults. I had a submissive that I could verbally humiliate by pointing out that she didn't have to do the things I told her to do. Such as one simple thing that made this prim and proper lady humiliated was to make her go to work in an obvious run in her panty hose. She hated it but she did it because she wanted someone to control her. She could have changed at the office but she didn't. After work I would taunt her by kidding her about the run. Another time I wrote some naughty words on her body. They were under her clothing and no one could ever see unless she disrobed. But she knew it was there and she didn't try and wash it off. She confessed that she felt anyone looking at her could see the words. She felt a sexual humiliation. Again I had to remind her she followed order because she wanted to....that also humiliated her...

just some of what I have used. I don't like to use vulgar works and brow beat to introduce humiliation.

Have a good one

lonelyslave said:

frankly the whole humiliation thing turns me on. I’ve been a top & a bottom and I’ve always known that bdsm is a game and it exists within certain parameters and time frames. It’s not real except for the sense that I can play these games with someone I trust. Trust is the key.

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It's as real as fiat currency-- without society as we know it the stuff is useless, but try deciding to stop playing the "money game" and see how far you get.

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Humiliation is a minefield, OP. Or at least, that's how it's been for me. 99% of the time it's a blast, but sometimes he accidentally hits a nerve and holy shit, that hurt. Sometimes we have tripwires that we don't even know are there and the only way you'll find em is by tripping over them. And in those situations, it's best to be as prepared as possible.

KoPilot said:

It's as real as fiat currency-- without society as we know it the stuff is useless, but try deciding to stop playing the "money game" and see how far you get.

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Humiliation is a minefield, OP. Or at least, that's how it's been for me. 99% of the time it's a blast, but sometimes he accidentally hits a nerve and holy shit, that hurt. Sometimes we have tripwires that we don't even know are there and the only way you'll find em is by tripping over them. And in those situations, it's best to be as prepared as possible.

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Yes, so this.

The important thing, when you're playing with this kind of stuff, I've always maintained - that your emotional EMT shears is actually your sense of what you will do when something bad happens, not just your knowledge of what you have agreed not to say and what you know not to say - inevitably this kind of play is a growth thing for everyone involved, and it's your game plan when something goes wrong that makes safety, not the luck of the draw in avoiding those tripwires. If you play this way, something's going to hurt in a not good way - and that's the price you invite and invoke. You need to know yourself and also take responsibility for taking care of yourself. I don't think it's good to rely completely on your top for recovery from triggering, but I also think the mark of a good top is in how well they hold up and get helpful when something goes boom.

Humiliation that seeks to go past the more lighthearted stuff is definitely edgeplay and RACK type of activity, and I think the most important thing is a bottom who knows themselves really REALLY well. The only thing we can control is our reaction to things which historically make us feel awful. The unpredictability is the allure a lot of the time. When I do this kind of play, it honestly feels more like service. I'm facilitating a dialogue for someone between conflicted parts of their own selves - there's a much more collaborative aspect to this kind of thing than D/s and it's useless to let your will drive the agenda more than the bottom's erotic anxieties.

WantABWriter said:

If I may give a thought...verbal humiliation does not have to be name calling or insults. I had a submissive that I could verbally humiliate by pointing out that she didn't have to do the things I told her to do. Such as one simple thing that made this prim and proper lady humiliated was to make her go to work in an obvious run in her panty hose. She hated it but she did it because she wanted someone to control her. She could have changed at the office but she didn't. After work I would taunt her by kidding her about the run. Another time I wrote some naughty words on her body. They were under her clothing and no one could ever see unless she disrobed. But she knew it was there and she didn't try and wash it off. She confessed that she felt anyone looking at her could see the words. She felt a sexual humiliation. Again I had to remind her she followed order because she wanted to....that also humiliated her...

just some of what I have used. I don't like to use vulgar works and brow beat to introduce humiliation.

Have a good one

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I have never been interested in even trying humiliation (receiving it that is) but this, I can see working and being effective for me. Thanks for the ideas. I am going to add this to my "ideas for Someday Sir" folder. lol

WantABwriter - definitely like the idea of thinking beyond the expected verbal insults for humiliation. I think name calling alone would be rather unexciting for both of us.

KoPilot - the minefield analogy is precisely what concerns me. Emotionally speaking, he is quite delicate when I touch on certain subjects. I like to "think" he knows how I really feel, and that it was all a game, but I know there would be required after care where I reassure him.

NetZach - the last part of your post struck a chord with me. Nail on the head. I have to remind myself that this is for him, and to remove my anxieties from the equation and really focus on what he wants/needs to hear.

Again, thanks to everyone who responded!

Fine line in humiliation. Personally, it's not my thing because I far prefer affection.

I think there's a way to toe the line and be affectionately humiliating, though. You can degrade him physically or verbally while letting him know what he does pleases you greatly in tonality, body language, and affirmation. Ask rhetorical questions ('you love this, don't you, sweet boy.' etc.) to confirm with him that it's not uncomfortable.

And just do an incredible job providing aftercare. You'll be fine.

eburk22 said:

WantABwriter - definitely like the idea of thinking beyond the expected verbal insults for humiliation. I think name calling alone would be rather unexciting for both of us.

KoPilot - the minefield analogy is precisely what concerns me. Emotionally speaking, he is quite delicate when I touch on certain subjects. I like to "think" he knows how I really feel, and that it was all a game, but I know there would be required after care where I reassure him.

NetZach - the last part of your post struck a chord with me. Nail on the head. I have to remind myself that this is for him, and to remove my anxieties from the equation and really focus on what he wants/needs to hear.

Again, thanks to everyone who responded!

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S has a very personalized and unconventional way of doing humiliation play with me, and most of the time I honestly can't tell if he's being serious or jerking my chain.

When he does hit a nerve though, all we can do is talk, talk, and talk some more. Trial and error have really been the only way we've discovered what doesn't work, and in those situations I've found that it's really important to make him understand that this is what I signed up for: yes I knew it was just a matter of time before I got hurt, no even though we fucked up here that doesn't mean I don't still want it, and no you're not a mean jerk and you still have my full consent.

Interesting that HE tends to need more aftercare than I do when humiliation goes wrong.

Two things I've come to enjoy: when my dom calls me a name like slut & slaps me lightly across the face, and when he spits on me. It surprised me that I liked the spitting thing, but I do.

If we are talking about verbal humiliation, I would say that delivery matters more than the actual words. Tone, emphasis, pacing, and volume are powerful tools. I love using my voice as a sexual tool. WantAB is very right in saying that name calling isn't the only way, maybe just the most obvious.

It might also help you to engage in role-play; by playing explicit characters, you can somewhat buffer yourself from tripping one of those mines. That way what you say during the session is not really coming from you personally, and because you are playing characters it's easier for him to see that. Also, what characters you establish you are playing can help him cope with something that may have gone to far by disassociating it from himself and instead attributing it to the character he is playing.

Also, aftercare is extremely useful and important here. Establishing boundaries for these humiliation sessions early on can act to quarantine the minefield, so to speak. If you do tread a little too close to a mine, and you are worried about how it will effect you in the long run, really talking it out during aftercare is important.

To me, when I was in such a relationship with a dominant woman (I am the submissive guy), I liked her to love me, but still punish me for my own good. So she would taunt me by saying I am not a real man because I am letting her punish me, and she was punishing me so I can improve. She would also humiliate me by asking me to count the spanking, or ask to be slapped, or apologize each time she hit me. Kissing her foot also got me going. Moreover, she made a ritual of me getting naked before a punishment and marching to our room.

After I was punished I was always hugged and kissed and allowed to cry while being embraced by her. Hope this helps.

make him your sissy bitch. dress him up. peg his ass. spank his panty clad ass

schoolszone said:

make him your sissy bitch. dress him up. peg his ass. spank his panty clad ass

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take your fap somewhere else.

Can he find a few videos for you which will guide you in the right direction? Personally, I like humiliation but am not really into verbal insults, but that's just me.

He has shown me several videos, and as much as I enjoy pushing our limits, I just cannot be one of those girls that truly have no consideration for her partner. I'm sure off camera a lot of consideration for the sub takes place, but on camera they just destroy the poor guy. I can do that to an extent, but I will never be like Maitresse Madeline lol

Humiliation by leash

The most humiliating thing that I have to submit to is being led around the house naked on a leash. The leash is not attached to a collar, but clipped onto my bush.

mistress patty is a cute little blond about 40-she likes spanking me till I beg her to stop. in terms of humiliation & degradation we’ve done some stuff-I told her about my past-my god we went to a porn shop in macon, this cute little black girl behind the counter-we went into the lingerie aisle and she picked out some panties and some hose, my god! I was embarrassed. we then got a small butt plug and when we went to the counter she told the girl it was for me!

perhaps the most humiliating aspect, overall, is that one has done these things and another person knows. everyone has different limits and everyone is turned on by different things.

perhaps just the memory that I had sex with a beautiful woman while dressed in lacey bikini panties and black thigh highs is humiliating enough. she snapped the band of the panties as we fucked