Critique/Feedback for Techno Tanya

[LWulf]

This is my third story submitted here. It wrote out in a day, took of a month of rewrites, reviewed once.
It was intended for this to be a auditory story, and was trying to procure a professional Voice Actor (VA) to provide voices, etc, but that part of it fell through.

Story: Techno Tanya
Author: LWulf
Editor: (none officially)
Description: Futuristic troubled girl looks for alternative sex solutions
Setting: ~100 years in the Future
Word Count: 5, 644
Length: 2 Literotica pages
Subject: Futuristic troubled girl looks for alternative sex solutions
Type of Critique Wanted:

• first is whether the story flow or pace seems smooth and not too slow/quick
• second if I described the concept of "sub-space" well enough (BDSM reference)
• after that, any constructive feedback

Story tags:

• futuristic
• mechanical tentacles
• vaginal penetration
• autoerotica (masturbation via mechanical means)
• light comedy
• X/f spanking

[Penelope Street]

Hi LWulf,

Thank you for submitting your story for discussion.

Originally Posted by LWulf

first is whether the story flow or pace seems smooth and not too slow/quick

Excellent question! I found the early pace jagged, with exposition and action mixed in an awkward manner. Over the last half of the tale, the pace is much better.

Originally Posted by LWulf

second if I described the concept of "sub-space" well enough (BDSM reference)

I can't remember where you described it, and maybe that's a good thing, since I'm unsure why you imagine you need to do so.

Originally Posted by LWulf

after that, any constructive feedback

For me, the heart of the story is when Tanya has something like an out-of-body experience, starting with this line:

Oh! What's this? I don't remember turning on one of these trashy insty-vids.

This, and the subsequent similar paragraphs have an enjoyable intensity. While I didn't share Tanya's arousal, her spanking was a fun moment.

There are some clever moments elsewhere too; like the bit about the approved hover boot donning area. I also liked the flimsy, mostly because I didn't know exactly what it is.

On the other hand, a tendency to over-explain sapped much of the zest from the first half of the story. For instance, does the reader need to know Tanya is economically independent? I liked your opening paragraph, and then you yanked me right out of the moment to tell me about Tanya. Was that really necessary? And does Tanya need to be 'four parts walking heart attack' for this story to work?

In spite of all the explaining, I was well into the story before I had any inkling regarding what Tanya wants. If a reader doesn't understand a character's desires, it's difficult to become involved in that character's story.

I think you have a clever enough idea, but it might have worked better to get to the crux much sooner.

Take Care,
Penny

[LWulf]

Thank you for the review.

Originally Posted by Penelope Street

I can't remember where you described it, and maybe that's a good thing, since I'm unsure why you imagine you need to do so.

It started pretty much with Tanya having something like an out-of-body experience.

Originally Posted by Penelope Street

For me, the heart of the story is when Tanya has something like an out-of-body experience, starting with this line:

Oh! What's this? I don't remember turning on one of these trashy insty-vids.

This, and the subsequent similar paragraphs have an enjoyable intensity. While I didn't share Tanya's arousal, her spanking was a fun moment.

There are some clever moments elsewhere too; like the bit about the approved hover boot donning area. I also liked the flimsy, mostly because I didn't know exactly what it is.

A flimsy is similar to a flexi, which is an acetate interactive screen/device. It's pretty much an up and coming technology device that would be super lightweight and small. Technically, the first one was developed back in the 1970's, but it wasn't very commercially viable. It can either be rolled up into a bracelet or theoretically sewn into a garment (like a sleeve cuff). They have flexi's in a bunch of current futuristic TV shows or movies. It's called a "flexi" because the screen can be rolled up without damage.

Originally Posted by Penelope Street

On the other hand, a tendency to over-explain sapped much of the zest from the first half of the story. For instance, does the reader need to know Tanya is economically independent? I liked your opening paragraph, and then you yanked me right out of the moment to tell me about Tanya. Was that really necessary? And does Tanya need to be 'four parts walking heart attack' for this story to work?

Yes, yes, and yes. If I didn't think so, I wouldn't have put it in there. Obviously, you think otherwise.

Originally Posted by Penelope Street

In spite of all the explaining, I was well into the story before I had any inkling regarding what Tanya wants. If a reader doesn't understand a character's desires, it's difficult to become involved in that character's story.

I think you have a clever enough idea, but it might have worked better to get to the crux much sooner.

There's two schools of thought regarding this issue. "Get it in, get it on, get it over with," and "to tell a story." The first method, is simply trying to get a person off as fast as possible with the least amount of information necessary to set the stage and appease the reader's kicks, and the second allows a story to unfold at a slower pace.
Clearly, I ascribe to the latter.

Thank you again for making your views known.

[Axelotto]

Gotta say, I find your responses to thoughtful critique to be off-putting and arrogant. You could disagree with the comments without dissing the commenter.

You make me less willing to put forth comments about the story, because you are so ready to snap at people doing what you asked them to do. Your bio is wrong, you ARE a curmudgeon.