Hi LWulf,
Thank you for submitting your story for discussion.
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Originally Posted by LWulf
first is whether the story flow or pace seems smooth and not too slow/quick
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Excellent question! I found the early pace jagged, with exposition and action mixed in an awkward manner. Over the last half of the tale, the pace is much better.
Quote:
Originally Posted by LWulf
second if I described the concept of "sub-space" well enough (BDSM reference)
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I can't remember where you described it, and maybe that's a good thing, since I'm unsure why you imagine you need to do so.
Quote:
Originally Posted by LWulf
after that, any constructive feedback
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For me, the heart of the story is when Tanya has something like an out-of-body experience, starting with this line:
Oh! What's this? I don't remember turning on one of these trashy insty-vids.
This, and the subsequent similar paragraphs have an enjoyable intensity. While I didn't share Tanya's arousal, her spanking was a fun moment.
There are some clever moments elsewhere too; like the bit about the approved hover boot donning area. I also liked the flimsy, mostly because I didn't know exactly what it is.
On the other hand, a tendency to over-explain sapped much of the zest from the first half of the story. For instance, does the reader need to know Tanya is economically independent? I liked your opening paragraph, and then you yanked me right out of the moment to tell me about Tanya. Was that really necessary? And does Tanya need to be 'four parts walking heart attack' for this story to work?
In spite of all the explaining, I was well into the story before I had any inkling regarding what Tanya wants. If a reader doesn't understand a character's desires, it's difficult to become involved in that character's story.
I think you have a clever enough idea, but it might have worked better to get to the crux much sooner.
Take Care,
Penny