First story, all feedback welcome

Generous geniuses of Lit,

I recently took the plunge (with a healthy amount of encouragement and collaboration from a willing if silent partner) and posted my first story. I would welcome any and all feedback, including praise, criticism, suggestions, or discouragement from every putting the proverbial pen to paper again. The story link is below.

http://www.literotica.com/s/sean-and-lauras-naughty-sunday

I'd never discourage anyone from writing except under dire circumstances. And I won't start here. Keep in mind this is all opinion.

I will say that I think this is a reasonable first effort, anyone's story needs help. You have some technical errors such as switching tenses, incorrect dialogue punctuation, things like that. Probably easily enough corrected with a second set of eyes and a little more attention from yourself.

I found the story was heavy on "telling" the reader about Sean, about Laura, and what is going on. We're told what they are thinking as opposed to being shown via dialogue or reaction to a situation. When you tell the reader things, the reader has to take your word for it and yes you're the author, but what if you're wrong, or what if you can't back up what you're saying?

Neither is wrong, but every story needs a balance of the two. I think in general, "showing" is the better way to go because it makes the story more active and interesting, but some things are better "told."

For example, you tell us Laura is a nurse, and why, but why not show us? Give us a situation with Laura in the hospital attending to a patient so we can see that she is a caring person. Show her flirting with her coworkers, perhaps, so that we can see she's got a fun, sexy side.

There's a lot of telling us as well about what Laura's wearing and all of that, and I found it rather dull. It's fine if Laura's wearing scrubs, and that she's wearing sexy underwear underneath. But *show* us some of the feelings, don't just tell us. Instead of telling us about the exchange of sexy pictures, show us. Give us a scene where Laura's working a shift and actually slipping off to send the pics to Sean, maybe with her and a friend.

"Get another picture from Sean?" asked Tara.

Laura grinned. "Maybe."

Her friend laughed. "That's a yes. Maybe you should show me so I have something to compare my next boyfriend to."

"I don't want to set the next poor guy up for failure!" Laura laughed herself. "Listen, I'll be right back, okay?"

"Okay. Janitor's closet around the corner is free," Tara said as she pointedly looked at some patient files.

"I'm just going for a coffee."

"Right."

Laura grinned to herself as she headed to the closet. She needed a little privacy to send her own pictures back to Sean.

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Something like that -- sometimes it's easier to show what I mean than explain it.

The sex scenes were fine, both characters were into it and having fun and I think that counts for a lot with many readers. I don't think they were terribly original, but that's hard to do anyway, so that's not a criticism, just an observation. And so long as they're done well, that's what counts.

To start, you got a nice score. It's not a category I usually read, so I can't say too much about how the content of the story matches what people who read that category expect.

To me, the story starts with:

She had to work that Saturday night and worse still, she was asked to do overtime as the floor was understaffed. As usual, she agreed cheerfully to the work and went about her rounds with professional dedication. Sean had texted photos of himself that night wearing just boxers as he lay on the couch. The sequence of pics went from him reclining in boxers, to a close up of a sexy bulge, to the appearance of his swollen knob to full exposure of his throbbing member. She had texted, 'mmmmmmmmm', 'sexy!', 'delicious', and 'give me every inch!' to the succession of photos.

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That's paragraph 11. Prior to that, it's all character description. That's a long time to go without any plot movement. On the other hand, I think this was a very interesting scene that deserved far more than just one paragraph.