Looking for feedback on A Long Time Coming Ch.1 and Ch. 2 - would also love an editor

robertreams said:

The Sunday morning light woke Jamie up as she got out of bed. Trying to make sure she wasn't imagining things she looked behind her to see Marcus sleeping soundly. His rock hard body was like a marble statue, she pulled the covers down to check if his cock was as big as it felt.

Yep, it was. Startled she pulled the cover back up and began to think about the odd situation she had put herself in. She loved John, how could she be so weak? What was wrong with her?

Sunday morning sunlight struck Jamie, waking her. To ensure she hadn't been dreaming, she glanced behind her. Marcus marble -sculpted body lie behind her. She drew back the covers, "Yes, his cock was as huge as she remembered."

She rose to shower, sorting through the problems in her head. Steaming hot water soothed her, cleansed her. she dried hurriedly, but, stepping out. she saw Marcus lying on the bed, grinning.

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litmlove said:

* - Starting a story with "Hours later... ". No wait, you intended to start the start after "Part Two"? Is this a TV script you are writing? The text after "Part Two" is a fine opening, the text before hand isn't (maybe as an italicized subheading or something)

* - you need an editor. You are not bad with the English language, the problem is that there are too many weird idiosyncrasies that I think you should eliminate.

* - I really dislike your narration of her thoughts and memories. Improve or don't do it.

* - She appears to be more like a charicature of a woman rather than a natural woman.

* - sorry I didn't read it all.

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