A publisher is not happy with her writers work, corrections are needed
www.literotica.com/s/corrections
www.literotica.com/s/corrections
First story on literotica
- Thread starter Celia62
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Sammael Bard
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This poem will be better suited in the Poetry Feedback and Discussion Forum. Post a new thread out there.
* I wrote this as I read.
- You need an editor. Hehe
- You really do ^ There are too many simple errors: Where =/= Were
- Atypical words reused in quick succession sound boring and uninspired. Worse, it makes the readers lose faith in your ability to deliver the story. Unfortunately you committed this sin a few times near the beginning of the story. (also when authors begin most sentences with variations of "I did this..." & "I think that...".)
- I don't like your dialogue. It's is hard to describe the problem exactly, so to generalise, I think it is because it sounds unnatural. Probably because you are a man writing to be female. To list a few pointers:
+ your characters don't use contractions in their speech. If anything it should be the opposite.
+ There is a little hiveminding between Lizzie & Emma.
+ Not enough self-deprecation & anxiety from Lizzy
+ I want to see them both bubbling over with emotions.
- Emma is controlling, sure, but do I get a sense she uses indirect methods to be manipulative? Not really.
- I do like the eye contact, it works.
- I don't get a sense that Lizzy is a real character, but merely an object with attributes of "probably a b cup". How do her attributes affect her "character"?
-
WTF! I stopped reading here. Are you trying to make fun of the genre tropes? No, you are making fun of the audience. The irony is the you are pretty much a genre trope story anyway.
PennLady
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I was confused at first as to who the narrator was. Suddenly there was an "I" character and I had no idea who it was. It took me a minute to figure it out, and it's not good when a reader has to stop to sort who is who.
Part of the problem was that paragraph, it's simply too long and jumps around. I also thought we were going to have Lizzie's point of view, because how would the person at the other end of the phone know if Lizzie was cowering? It's not a video call.
You should spell out most numbers -- two p.m., twelve books published, in my fifties, etc.
But you do need an editor, or to do a basic edit yourself if you didn't already. There are many punctuation errors, and some awkward phrasing, and as I said before, many of your paragraphs are too long.
One thing on punctuation. You wrote (for example):
"OK Emma, around 2pm OK?",
It should be: "OK, Emma. Around two p.m., OK?"
No comma, or period as I saw you do later, outside that final quote.
Part of the problem was that paragraph, it's simply too long and jumps around. I also thought we were going to have Lizzie's point of view, because how would the person at the other end of the phone know if Lizzie was cowering? It's not a video call.
You should spell out most numbers -- two p.m., twelve books published, in my fifties, etc.
But you do need an editor, or to do a basic edit yourself if you didn't already. There are many punctuation errors, and some awkward phrasing, and as I said before, many of your paragraphs are too long.
One thing on punctuation. You wrote (for example):
"OK Emma, around 2pm OK?",
It should be: "OK, Emma. Around two p.m., OK?"
No comma, or period as I saw you do later, outside that final quote.
robertreams
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Lots and lots of grammar and usage errors. Get help. Your writing is juvenile. too many "ands" for one thing.
OK Emma, around two, OK?" Lizzy cowered on (the other end of) the phone. She had been writing good short stories for a couple of years, but had tried her hand at erotica. (and) ( (it) looked like) Her erotic stories read as if she had cut and pasted off the net. It (this tiny word refers to 'the net' but I do not think you intended "IT" to) Her work was (all) disjointed, (and) with no compassion for (the) her characters.
Reviewing books for publication has always been difficult. (was always hard),( you have) One has to be cruel to be kind. (and) (people) Writers will (can end up) hate you for your work.(it). I (who is the "I" in the story?) know only too well as I (went through it) experienced hatred. (myself). (You write) One writes piece after piece only to have one's work (them) bastardised by someone who hardly knows them. Then one tries to maintain a professional relationship without hating back.(those people.) I have managed to publish (get 12) twelve books. I (and) (only) went over to (being a) publishing (er) because so many people were writing to me, (and) asking how I (did it) succeded. Also, (it) publishing made sense financially. I am no spring chicken, being (any more) in my 50's. (and) Although I get (a lot) many (of) compliments about my looks, (you) one can't really be the face of modern erotica in (you) her 60's. (why not ???) The TV interviews w(h)ere decreasing. Still, I have a few years left as a co-writer.
You scatter pronouns along the path like Gretle's crumbs, hoping your reader can find his way back to the story line. Remember, "and" should only be used to join two equal words or phrases, not to extend sentences into run-ons.
OK Emma, around two, OK?" Lizzy cowered on (the other end of) the phone. She had been writing good short stories for a couple of years, but had tried her hand at erotica. (and) ( (it) looked like) Her erotic stories read as if she had cut and pasted off the net. It (this tiny word refers to 'the net' but I do not think you intended "IT" to) Her work was (all) disjointed, (and) with no compassion for (the) her characters.
Reviewing books for publication has always been difficult. (was always hard),( you have) One has to be cruel to be kind. (and) (people) Writers will (can end up) hate you for your work.(it). I (who is the "I" in the story?) know only too well as I (went through it) experienced hatred. (myself). (You write) One writes piece after piece only to have one's work (them) bastardised by someone who hardly knows them. Then one tries to maintain a professional relationship without hating back.(those people.) I have managed to publish (get 12) twelve books. I (and) (only) went over to (being a) publishing (er) because so many people were writing to me, (and) asking how I (did it) succeded. Also, (it) publishing made sense financially. I am no spring chicken, being (any more) in my 50's. (and) Although I get (a lot) many (of) compliments about my looks, (you) one can't really be the face of modern erotica in (you) her 60's. (why not ???) The TV interviews w(h)ere decreasing. Still, I have a few years left as a co-writer.
You scatter pronouns along the path like Gretle's crumbs, hoping your reader can find his way back to the story line. Remember, "and" should only be used to join two equal words or phrases, not to extend sentences into run-ons.
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GoldenCojones
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As has already been pointed out, you need to take more care with using the correct word and with your grammar. Since that has been addressed I'll keep my comments to the story. It was a very good idea. The plot of a publisher dominating a fledgling writer in the way Emma does to Lizzy is a good erotic platform. Some of the sex seemed disjointed and the flashbacks were disruptive to the story. It seems to me that when you hit the dirty sex scenes you stop thinking so hard and just write, and that is your best writing.
Keep writing and working to improve your technical skills. Remember there is always room to improve so take the constructive criticism as a positive and use it to get better. Good Luck.
Keep writing and working to improve your technical skills. Remember there is always room to improve so take the constructive criticism as a positive and use it to get better. Good Luck.
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