Romance story - feedback anybody?

Not a category I usually write, but here it is. I've tried making it different from the standard fare in the category and I hope it stands out. Let me know what you think, good, bad and ugly.

https://www.literotica.com/s/broken-promises-3

PS - It's 10 pages long, so take your time :)

Wow, just wow! 5* :)

I thought I'd just read a couple of pages but I couldn't stop.

Like another reader though I thought the last line kind of obscured the final direction of the story. I had to go back and read it a couple of times along with the supporting paragraphs. I think I got it straight....but?
 
Well done!

You've got a typo right at the start, "instalment" should have 2 Ls.

"You couldn't get away with this in an online erotic story"
I'm not fundamentally opposed to that kind of wink and nod, but it's hard to pull off in the best of times and it doesn't feel right at all with the tone of the story.

Everything else was great. Read it to the end.
 
Well then, I've learned something new!
:)

The thing about Australia, is we are more aligned to English English, but align to American English when it suits us, so it's a natural thing to see both spellings of many words, regularly.

For example, we have a Labor Party, which is left leaning and generally aligned to the interests of labourers. We realise and recognise things, but don't realize or recognize them (but we still go to zoos). There's a town in South Australia named Victor Harbor, but one goes for a ferry ride on Sydney Harbour. And it's QANTAS, not Quantas, because it's an acronym, not a word.

Also, we have drop bears ;).
 
Wow, just wow! 5* :)

I thought I'd just read a couple of pages but I couldn't stop.

Like another reader though I thought the last line kind of obscured the final direction of the story. I had to go back and read it a couple of times along with the supporting paragraphs. I think I got it straight....but?

Thanks for that. The intent of the ending was to show that Roy had begrudgingly acquiesced to his new reality for the sake of his children. When Donna came to him with her plea, he realized that he didn't have it in him to put his principles before the luxurious life Tatiana could give his kids.

Did that not come through? Should I put in an edit to make it clearer?

Well done!

You've got a typo right at the start, "instalment" should have 2 Ls.

"You couldn't get away with this in an online erotic story"
I'm not fundamentally opposed to that kind of wink and nod, but it's hard to pull off in the best of times and it doesn't feel right at all with the tone of the story.

Everything else was great. Read it to the end.

Thanks. I usually put in a fourth-wall break or a little meta joke in my stories. Just for kicks. I meant this to be a fun little exchange between Roy and his wife.

So what did the both of you make of the main protagonists? Did they come off as interesting?

My usual writing style does not lend itself easily to Romance, so this was a challenge for me... and probably why this story is not quite what Romance readers expect.
 
Thanks for that. The intent of the ending was to show that Roy had begrudgingly acquiesced to his new reality for the sake of his children.

Yeah that's how I took it. But at first reading it made me wonder if he was going to continue or take a sharp left turn. After a reading it a second time I went with your version, but for me (and maybe just me) I was initially unsure.

She had money and power

He had morals.

Would he go back to his small life without her or would he allow her to take over. Reading the end for a second time indicated his thinking was more based on what she was able to give the children. Therefore the small man would give in and sacrifice his moral beliefs for $$$.

No I wouldn't bother with an edit.
 
Yeah that's how I took it. But at first reading it made me wonder if he was going to continue or take a sharp left turn. After a reading it a second time I went with your version, but for me (and maybe just me) I was initially unsure.

She had money and power

He had morals.

Would he go back to his small life without her or would he allow her to take over. Reading the end for a second time indicated his thinking was more based on what she was able to give the children. Therefore the small man would give in and sacrifice his moral beliefs for $$$.

No I wouldn't bother with an edit.
Not just you, I had the same ambiguous read, but thought it was intentional.

Here's a cut down version to show what struck me as most relevant:
"I know how you don't want Aunt Tatiana to hang out with us all the time. I want you to know it's okay with me. I know you think she's a bad person and I don't know why. I believe you, Dad. If you don't want us to hang out with her, we won't. I love you, Daddy. I love you much more than her big houses and pianos. I'll never see her again.

In that moment, with his arms wrapped around his daughter, Roy learned an important truth.

He could never have what Tatiana had. Not the money, the penthouse, the flashy cars. All he had were two beautiful kids and anything he could do to see them smile was enough. It was small, but it was his dream.

For at the end of the day, Roy Saviano was a small man, and small men should never have big dreams.

So we've got his daughter saying she'll respect his wishes and give up all the fancy stuff, then Roy thinking that he doesn't have the cars and houses, but he has his nice, normal family. It's small, but that's his dream and he shouldn't have those big dreams.
 
Not just you, I had the same ambiguous read, but thought it was intentional.

Here's a cut down version to show what struck me as most relevant:


So we've got his daughter saying she'll respect his wishes and give up all the fancy stuff, then Roy thinking that he doesn't have the cars and houses, but he has his nice, normal family. It's small, but that's his dream and he shouldn't have those big dreams.

Here's the line where I meant to tip the scales of what he meant.

It was no longer about him or a promise he made Sofia. It was about them. It was all about them. It was about them living a life he could never give them.

There is a bit of an element of keeping it ambiguous, but if I have to lean to one side, I would think this line he has acquiesced with the fact that he broke his promise to his wife so his kids can live the life he can't give them.

Should I forsake the ambiguity and make this statement clearer?
 
Here's the line where I meant to tip the scales of what he meant.

It was no longer about him or a promise he made Sofia. It was about them. It was all about them. It was about them living a life he could never give them

There is a bit of an element of keeping it ambiguous, but if I have to lean to one side, I would think this line he has acquiesced with the fact that he broke his promise to his wife so his kids can live the life he can't give them.

Should I forsake the ambiguity and make this statement clearer?

The story had to be close to 38,000 words and thirty or so words don't always stand out. Readers will walk right by that.

You could put in an edit, but overall I don't think it necessary. If they read the whole ten pages they're pretty motivated and will figure it out. Maybe something in the comments though.
 
Here's the line where I meant to tip the scales of what he meant.



There is a bit of an element of keeping it ambiguous, but if I have to lean to one side, I would think this line he has acquiesced with the fact that he broke his promise to his wife so his kids can live the life he can't give them.

Should I forsake the ambiguity and make this statement clearer?

It's up to you. I assumed you intended it to be ambiguous so I didn't initially comment on it. If you intend it to be clear he's going to keep up with Tatiana, you might want to do an edit.
 
Here's the line where I meant to tip the scales of what he meant.



There is a bit of an element of keeping it ambiguous, but if I have to lean to one side, I would think this line he has acquiesced with the fact that he broke his promise to his wife so his kids can live the life he can't give them.

Should I forsake the ambiguity and make this statement clearer?

As I wrote in the comment I left on your story; I think the ambiguity was perfectly done. What better way to end a story than to leave it up to me the reader to interpret it my way? For what it's worth, I imagined the ending as you did...he accepted his lot for the benefit of the kids...plus, it wasn't all bad for him either. IMO, it seemed that this could also be an overarching theme that could be applied to many who find themselves on the dark side of life...they compromise principles for reality, etc.
 
It's up to you. I assumed you intended it to be ambiguous so I didn't initially comment on it. If you intend it to be clear he's going to keep up with Tatiana, you might want to do an edit.

But that likely will disappoint some who wanted him to stand resolute in his principles...and read that into "their" ending. However, you're 100% correct that it's always up to the author.
 
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