Curious

So. I am curious if any married couples that were in plain vanilla and even more specifically one of the partners having a low libido or lack of interest. That trying something improved the low/lack of interest.

NightOfPassion2 said:

So. I am curious if any married couples that were in plain vanilla and even more specifically one of the partners having a low libido or lack of interest. That trying something improved the low/lack of interest.

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(@_@):slowly raises hand:

I am married and for the most part my sex life with my husband has been great. Our libidos fluctuate, which has been fairly normal. I was the one to introduce BDSM, as I've always had an interest. Doing this has helped me a great deal because it's something I really needed.

You should consider other reasons for low libido. Depression, medication, lack of exercise are all reasons someone might have a low libido. Spicing things up could be helpful but may not fix the underlying cause. Maybe talk with your doctor about it to rule out any medical problems, first.

It's not normal for a guy to have low libido so there is some kind of underlying cause and you aren't going to get anywhere until you figure out what that is. Unfortunately, it could be anything. You need to investigate further. Hopefully he can give you some clues.

subwannabe said:

It's not normal for a guy to have low libido

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Is it normal for a girl?

S and I met as a vanilla couple. I told him that I was interested in BDSM a couple years in. I got married young (22), so a lot of shit has happened re: self discovery since then as to be expected of someone in their 20's, but the underlying stuff has been more or less the same my whole life.

I'm ace, I do not enjoy having a libido. I had one when we met, but a combination of medications that I'm on now has all but killed it. If I were single, I'd be rainbows and unicorns happy. The tough part is being hitched with someone with quite a roaring libido. He's happy using porn some of the time, and I do enjoy giving head and handjobs, so there's that and he is pretty reasonably satisfied he assures me.

BUT. I can do more sex-type stuff when it's completely within the context of kink. Giving a handjob because that's just what good partners do is really not any fun compared to giving a handjob because making the pet do sexy things is rewarding for him. In other words, I don't respond to erotic touch on its own terms. It's neither pleasant nor unpleasant, but the headspace, the theater, the paraphernalia is pretty much necessary for me to be engaged and happy at all. That said, I really do prefer the non-erotic BDSM stuff. Pain, humiliation, domestics, petplay.

ymmv.

My libido fluctuates far more than my husband's and we seem to react differently - if I'm stressed, I just want sleep when we go to bed, whereas he seems to need sex more as a release.

It's been my experience that "trying new BDSM-y things" is far from a cure-all for low libido/lack of sex in a relationship. People have different sex drives because we all have different body chemistry. Sure, sometimes there are underlying factors like a lack of exercise, general poor health, stress, medications, etc that cause it. But not always, and probably not even often.

Interest in sex naturally declines after some time has passed in a relationship with the same partner. "Spicing things up" in this case can help, but only if it's an activity that turns both partners on. Otherwise you're just liable to create a situation where one partner feels obligated to do things for the other, leading to more stress and more avoidance of sex in general.

There are lots of stories out there, I'm sure, about vanilla couples being adventurous one night and then going to the dark side for good. The important thing to remember is that whatever the activity you're thinking of exploring, it has to be appealing to both partners for it to work.