Mike & Savy: The Director's Cut

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JustAnotherMarylander said:

Hello, ....

http://www.literotica.com/s/mike-and-savy-ch-01
http://www.literotica.com/s/mike-and-savy-ch-02
http://www.literotica.com/s/mike-and-savy-ch-03
http://www.literotica.com/s/mike-and-savy-ch-04
http://www.literotica.com/s/mike-and-savy-ch-05
http://www.literotica.com/s/mike-and-savy-ch-06
http://www.literotica.com/s/mike-and-savy-ch-07

I am very interested in feedback from other writers and readers both, as I think that writing is something I would enjoy doing more often in the future. I would like to work towards improving any weaknesses in my writing.

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Since nobody else has I kinda glanced through your story.

On Writing:

* The editing is good.

* Your writing is concise which is at times too concise. Obviously you think stories should be only about advancing scenes and dialogue. I’m ok with this. Many other people are also ok with this, but not everyone is. Please don't be afraid to indulge in flowery prose. Don't mistake flowery prose with excessive wordage. Short sentences are ok. Long sentences are too often unnecessary and confusing. But that is my opinion. Oops! I used too many short sentences. Do you see that too many short sentences is boring? I feel that you are ready for me to expand prose into something more. You are now raring for me to expand my writing with a sentence of length that engages you using arcane concepts and subtle details; That I should write a sentence about a sweeping statement which expands your understanding of the everyday difficulties of building a compelling story. And when that sentence is finished, you will relax and understand. Vary your sentence lengths.

* Your writing has improved throughout the series. Now your writing flows unlike the stuttered sentence of your early chapters, but it could be better. You still chain too many short sentences together.

On Story

* I think you should have had more foreshadowing the conflict. It feels like you used a deus-ex-machina sleight of hand. You may as well had one of your main characters hit by a truck with the subtly that you broke them apart. Not just in the preempting the conflict, but also in the aftermath. Did you not want to have your characters have a proper argument? When you could have basked in real relationship drama you instead fizzled out the story into nothing of consequence.

* Screw the haters. It doesn't matter if people hate a character because of something they did.
- People are weak, but we want to know how they struggle against their flaws.
- People make mistakes, it is how a character reacts to their own mistakes which is the crucial issue. I think you will be surprised with what characters are able to get away with. People read non-consent stories on this website ffs.

* The most compelling arguments to watch are the ones where there is merit in both sides of the conflict: i.e. Good vs Good. But you missed this opportunity to have any meaningful "Their love" vs "societal taboo" debate. Your characters walk away from each other and then reunite, umm, ok (I simplified it, but not by much).

* If you don't include sex of some kind in each story, then don't expect the story to get the red 'H'. It is sad but true.

* Don't worry about the plot. Your writing is more important. A plot is something that exists only to keep the certain characters together so that they can interact.

* I remember a news article not long ago where something like this happened. A woman in South America had a TV show track down her mother. The TV show found her mother and the mother explained her husband was also her brother. The brother & sister had a child together. Also she fleeing an abusive relationship when she met her husband/brother. The marriage was annulled and she said wanted to stay with the husband/brother who had since fled (in shame?). I wish I could find the news article because I thought it would make a fantastic story.

I love you stories sure there is a lot of emotions, mistakes, and misunderstandings on both sides but that's what makes it so realistic for me. When I read incest stories I prefer brother/sister relationships that are about their mutual love for one another and the struggle of being together whether the cause of the struggle is their selves, friend/family, or the outside world it is for this reason that I think incest stories are the ultimate romance. The story has been very emotional this last few chapters and I can't imagine that their struggle is over yet even after they rebuild and rekindle their relationship they have mom and the outside world to worry about I can only imagine that both Mia and Jeff are gonna be their rocks as the story continues.

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Replying to a PM JustAnotherMarylander sent me for a comment in another thread

JustAnotherMarylander said:

I didn't want to clog up TheSoulfulBard's thread with discussion of my story, but I appreciate your comments. You mentioned having read the first chapter, but have you read the others?

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No. If I have time, I will do so.

JustAnotherMarylander said:

The first two chapters were my least planned, as I kind of started writing on a whim. I'm not sure what I should have done with them. I feel like maybe I should have rolled them in with the third and fourth chapters, respectively, but I also could have done a better job of trying to present the buildup to Mike and Savy's relationship.

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Your first chapter should be your best one as readers won't read any other chapters if they don't like it.

JustAnotherMarylander said:

All in all, I think the idea that Savy is beautiful, intelligent, and talented to Mike's averageness isn't really accurate. First, she does describe him as handsome and loves his eyes. He's not a stud or anything, but he's a decent enough guy who ends up working at NASA. That's not nothing.

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You spend quite a bit of time discussing his love life and it is consistent with someone who isn't that appealing to women.

In a brother-sister story, you have to address why they don't find someone else to date. You make it sound like Mike isn't dating anyone else because he is a nerd/geek who isn't appealing to women. Savy isn't dating anyone because? What is hinted at to me is that she is wildly in love with Mike, he's the only one for her and she couldn't consider any other guy.

JustAnotherMarylander said:

Also, more than any of those external traits, it's what he means to her that draws her to him. He is stability and support for her, which she lacked for far too many of her formative years, from the adoption through the divorce and then likely from their mom having to work long hours to provide for them.

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One thing you didn't address in Chapter 1 is why did Mike's parents adopt Savy when their marriage was close to ending. When I first read about the adoption, I guessed that Savy was Mike's dad's illegitimate child and her existence was the cause of a lot of stress in the marriage. Then after the divorce, Savy went with Mike's mom, which wouldn't be consistent with her being Mike's dad's illegitimate child.

JustAnotherMarylander said:

On another thread, a reader commented that there seemed to be too many mundane details. I’ve read a lot of stories where a male protagonist tries to describe himself and it comes across as conceited at best, arrogant at worst. I wanted to provide enough details about, for example, Mike’s physical description, but within a context that conveyed the information without it being odd or forced. Also, both Mike and Savy growing up small and being bullied for it a bit was an instance where they would have a shared experience that helped draw them closer together.

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Trials in life shape different people in different ways, so showing the trials doesn't tell you much about the person's personalities. For example, Mike could have responded to being bullied by becoming a bully. I think it would have been better to show what Mike's personality was like at the time of the story and then use stories from his growing up to provide more background/context.

JustAnotherMarylander said:

A secondary goal was to start to present some of the elements of Mike’s personality. He was very passive in his relationships, especially in college, and that passivity would come back to bite him a bit with Savy. It’s a part of who he is, though.

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I didn't get that he was passive.

Something that I didn't mention before is that I found it very odd that Mike didn't recognize Savy when he came home. He came home multiple times a year. She really changed that much since Christmas? Not believable.

Nor was it believable that his family didn't show up for his graduation. His greatest accomplishment in his life so far and they skipped it without a comment as to why.

JustAnotherMarylander said:

Thank you again, as I very much appreciate your feedback.

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Glad to help. In writing this, I realized some things I need to change in a brother-sister story I am writing.

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Technically excellent writing, so I'm sorry to say I didn't see a story in it. I struggled through CH 01 and, other than a boy growing up without a father, I didn't see the point of the paragraphs. Because of that I read no more.

I know that isn't fair, but readers who grab a book to read for enjoyment rather than to stretch their editing skills, will put it down faster than I did.

Grab 'em in the first 200 words or they get away.

Sorry to be so negative on this one because I like your style and it is a joy to read a well edited piece.

Good luck with your project.

If you don't write anything else on literotica it would be a travesty. You've got a gift.Don't stop using it , the story is beautiful. For once , the " good guys " win ! ! Either a new storyline , or continue the present . (although , personally , I feel Mike & Savy has run it's course . Please don't stop-------

First things first. I loved the series. Probably the best story I've read on this site in the past year. These incest stories are like bacon to me. I can't get to much of it.

Really, my only complaint is that the Savy stories seemed redundant after certain chapters. Going over all the same events after Mike's chapter was a bit of a chore after a while. While I'm not an experienced writer, I think the story may have been better served by alternating POVs during the story.

when are you going to do your next story? I agree with askformore regarding storyline repeating and alternating POV'S would be better.Having said that , I found the story beautiful and very well written. Please write another story..........