Putting people at ease

Bramblethorn

Sleep-deprived
Joined
Feb 16, 2012
Posts
16,660
Splitting this off into a separate thread:

I'm not saying that I think men should refrain from initiating contact with someone in whom they have an interest. I would just like for more men to do so with more sensitivity to the problems many women frequently encounter from disrespectful jerks. That may sound highly idealistic to some people. That's fine. I'll own it.

...

I think many women are unsure of how to disengage in a manner that's effective most of the time. I know I don't.

I don't want to give the impression that I walk about cringing from every man who is unknown to me. That's ridiculous. I have many wonderful encounters that leave me smiling, some to the extent that I facebook it. There are times I can read the context pretty well. But there are times when it fails me. And when an aggressive jerk steps beyond my comfort zone, I'm unsure of how to disengage without setting him off even further.

I've been meaning to start a thread about this, but from the other side of the equation. If you want to approach somebody else, whether it's a sexual proposition or just making friends, how do you avoid putting them in the position that bailadora described? It comes up a lot in "guy approaches woman" scenarios but can apply elsewhere too.

Some of the things I try to do:

#1: Be aware of power imbalances. Forget about what a nice person you are, just for a moment; how easy would it be for you to harm them, if you turned out to be a jerk? Physical power is an obvious example, but there are plenty of other types of power. If they're service staff and you're a customer in a place where "the customer is always right", you may have the power to get them fired. You might be an established and popular employee at a company where they're new and trying to fit in - even if you're officially at the same level with no managerial relationship to one another, you still have the ability to make it easier or harder for them to fit in. Or you might just be a confident and charismatic person dealing with a less-confident person who finds it hard to say "no" to somebody they admire.

Once you're aware of those power imbalances, look for ways to neutralise or minimise them in your interactions. If you're a big strong guy and you want to chat up a woman, do it in an open space with other people around.

If she's waiting tables where you eat, shift the conversation outside that setting as much as possible - e.g. rather than saying "hey, wanna date?" and putting her in a position where she has to answer then and there, and risk offending her, maybe give her your number and let her call you out of work time, if she's interested.

BTW, knowledge is power. Give them your phone number, tell them where you live, and let them decide whether they feel comfortable sharing back. Having friends around is also power.

#2: Don't require them to guess how to disengage. Like bailadora noted, the person who you've just approached doesn't always know whether it's safe for them to disengage. People have been killed for refusing a date.

Instead, frame the situation so that they don't need to make that judgement call. Be the one who disengages and let them choose to re-engage if they're interested. Rather than asking "Hey, wanna come back to my room?", you can tell them "Here's my room number, look me up later tonight if you're interested". Depending on the situation and the person they might still find that offer unwelcome, they might even be offended, but it's less likely to make them feel threatened.

#3: No pressure tactics. Avoid putting them in a situation where they have to make a decision right away - give them time to think about it, check up on you if they like, let a friend know where they're going, whatever.

#4: If they give you an answer, don't try to debate it.

If they keep knocking back specific invitations without giving an overall answer - "can't do tonight, I'm studying - can't do tomorrow, I'm working - etc etc" it gets tougher. They might be telling the truth, they might be trying to refuse without offending via an explicit refusal. If you're not sure, put the ball in their court: "here's my number, if there's a night that does work for you, let me know".

Those are some of mine - anybody else have thoughts on this?
 
Disagree...way too calibrated.

If the world took your advice there would be no next generation. Young men are already afraid to approach at all.

NOTHING you wrote "puts people at ease" unless people find androids running sub-routines and calculations heart-warming.

How about this: be genuine, be personable. If you cannot be personable, kill yourself.

A+ for your feminist studies paper, F for it applicability to life.

Be warm, be engaging, be kind to people. Engage everyone, not just the hotties you are trying to get to know.
 
Thanks Bram - I've got a couple that I've mentioned before.
If it's a working situation such as a restaurant, or a check out where they've been treated as a 'thing' all day by other busy customers, then acknowledging them as a human being will always grab her/his attention - it's happened to me is why I mention it. So actually asking them how their day is going or noting how busy it is, is quite a shock ( in a good way! ). But don't be hitting on them - just be pleasant - she will remember you the next time as that nice guy.

Asking their advice or for their help is a great idea too: make them feel empowered by being human yourself. It could be in a work situation or a store but it gives you a chance to talk about something entirely neutral.

In a power situation, such as Bram mentions about work, again ask their opinion - value them. It's a good way to show them their presence is useful and you'll discover far more about the personality behind the cute ass.

In general I'd say 'don't rush it' to guys. A very few cheeky types have the gift to start flirting straight away and get away with it, but it is a gift I think - not everyone can do and it doesn't matter if you don't. The worst possible thing you can do is face-plant with a badly delivered, corny pick-up line because they will remember you as a jerk and avoid you next time.

This feels nice - to be writing something positive for a change :)
 
Thanks Bram - I've got a couple that I've mentioned before.
If it's a working situation such as a restaurant, or a check out where they've been treated as a 'thing' all day by other busy customers, then acknowledging them as a human being will always grab her/his attention - it's happened to me is why I mention it. So actually asking them how their day is going or noting how busy it is, is quite a shock ( in a good way! ). But don't be hitting on them - just be pleasant - she will remember you the next time as that nice guy.

Asking their advice or for their help is a great idea too: make them feel empowered by being human yourself. It could be in a work situation or a store but it gives you a chance to talk about something entirely neutral.

In a power situation, such as Bram mentions about work, again ask their opinion - value them. It's a good way to show them their presence is useful and you'll discover far more about the personality behind the cute ass.

In general I'd say 'don't rush it' to guys. A very few cheeky types have the gift to start flirting straight away and get away with it, but it is a gift I think - not everyone can do and it doesn't matter if you don't. The worst possible thing you can do is face-plant with a badly delivered, corny pick-up line because they will remember you as a jerk and avoid you next time.

This feels nice - to be writing something positive for a change :)

Horrible advice also.

So, only gifted salesmen should apply for and obtain sales positions?

Those "cheeky types" are successful. The timid are not. Timid types freak women out because they worry about hurting their feelings. The cheeky ones they are able to engage with minimal emotional investment.

The closest Ducky got to Andie was standing next to her for the movie poster.
 
Last edited:
People who obsess about social interactions make my eyes cross and my brain bleed. Its the female default setting, too. I steer clear of gals and feminist males. It makes life calm and serene.
 
Those "cheeky types" are successful. The timid are not. Timid types freak women out because they worry about hurting their feelings. The cheeky ones they are able to engage with minimal emotional investment.
In that example I gave, you're right and those situations stick in people's minds because it's so embarrassing if you fail. Hollywood has a lot to answer for in delivering witty one-line pick-ups that work. Not everyone has script writers! That's why it's better not to chance that full-on tactic.
The closest Ducky got to Andie was standing next to her for the movie poster.
Talking of movies, I saw this classic recently - I can't find a clip but from Sliding Doors
" Patron in Restaurant where Helen is a waitress: Hey, gorgeous. What do you do when you're not serving up mad cow burgers in here, eh?

Helen: Well, now, then, let me see. I get up at about 7:30AM making and delivering sandwiches in the West End during the day before I come here about 6 o'clock and finish at midnight. After that, if I've got any energy left, I give my boyfriend a blow job.

[pause]

Helen: Would you like some mayonnaise with that? "


As a side note. If you don't like feminists, don't date them - that would kinda make sense :)
 
Diferent conversational styles work better for certain people. The thread title made me think it was going to be a little Dale Carnegie, "How to Win Friends and Influence People."

No just more of the same, rationalizations and excuses why you shouldn't open your mouth and tell people more or less what you are thinking. Men and women like to be noticed, like to be flirted with. If you are falling on face, you are doing it wrong, so do it some more until you figure out what workds for you.

-Self-Deprecating humor maybe?

-Are you a raconteur? Story telling takes a lot of pressure off of a social interaction. They may well think you are a goof ball, but they don't feel as stressed to carry their end.

-Are people in your personal life always turning to you as the listening ear? Try that. Do not go overboard with twenty questions. Less is more, a leading question then back off.

-Back yourself up to a wall or a corner leaving them the most mobility. Let them decide if they want to come closer.

Be clean, smell good, whatever your style is, look groomed for that style, not crazy.

I have a pair of very nice cowboy boots but they were pinching my feet on a long ambling artsy area walk. The next night in the same area I substituted a pair of comfortable white leather sneakers. Huge mistake. I got the "why are you talking to me you crazy old man" vibe until I switched back. Never saw a single woman glance at my shoes, but somehow they know.

Smile, be disarming, be engaging.
 
I always imagined that going up to someone, anyone and having a conversation was a natural organic process. Case of simply being nice and polite. But these days and seeing how women perceive things I stand by my original statement. Don't bother. If it's gotten to the stage where a guy needs the equivalent of war and peace in notes simply to go up to a girl and say hi then things have gone wrong. So rather create any waves I would suggest guys the world over shrug, get on with their day and let women get on with theirs. No awkwardness, no trouble and no risk of sharing a cell with a man named bubba for sexual harassment.
 
40 years ago I read something that's painfully true and enduring, the author, a therapist trainer said, PEOPLE ARE SCIZOPHRENIC (delusional) OR MANIC-DEPRESSIVE (impulsive), THOSE ARE THE CHOICES. CHOOSE WISELY.
 
I think in reality, most people harbor many insecurities. They are afraid of rejection as much or more than they are afraid of being attacked by a creap or crazy. They are hesitant to approach and to be approached for fear that the other may go over some imaginary line. I've been in store lines or other out and about situations and have made innocent comments to women, not even intending any sort of sexual approach, and sometimes have gotten a smile and some simple conversation and sometimes been looked at like I might be a serial killer.

I suppose part of the dynamic is the environment in which it occurs. People go to bars and clubs and expect to approach and be approached. It's within the rules of engagement. In other situations like sitting in a doctor's waiting room or waiting online at a fast food place, people may not be expecting to be approached and it takes them off guard, or they may just not be in a frame of mind to be approached.

Sometimes, things just leave an opening. I was recently standing in line at the dry cleaners and in walked a very attractive young woman wearing a tee shirt that said "What the hell is PMI?" So I just smiled and said, "Ok, so I'll ask.....what the hell is PMI?" At least she laughed and it was an ice breaker for a 5 minute conversation....no ulterior motives since her immediate response was that it was an orgaization her HUSBAND belonged to. I've learned in the past that if the first few words out of a woman's mouth included some reference to her "husband", (unless it was an indication about him being an asshole) then that was usually a clue to keep some distance. I think that's the married woman's peaceful mace...."My husband says..." "I'll have to mention that to my husband when he gets home from his karate lesson...." "Oh, my husband couldn't be here because he's a homicide cop ahd has to work today..."
 
Diferent conversational styles work better for certain people. The thread title made me think it was going to be a little Dale Carnegie, "How to Win Friends and Influence People."

No just more of the same, rationalizations and excuses why you shouldn't open your mouth and tell people more or less what you are thinking.

I didn't say anything here about "don't open your mouth", or about not telling people what you want. There's a lot to be said for frankness.

All I'm saying is, it's possible to be frank and considerate of the other person's feelings, both at the same time.
 
Thank you Bram for moving the thread along. The other was getting very cumbersome.

What I have gathered from both of these threads is, there really is no, universally, right way to approach a woman. There are too many factors involved.

Thank you Bram and Sticky for the ideas. They at least lay out a basic framework to start with.

We all like to be complimented. What I have learned here is to be more aware of the appropriateness of the situation. Also, to not be surprised if I receive a negative reaction.

I have a daily reminder set on my phone. "It's my choice to react in a positive way." I think it fits perfectly to just about any situation. How you, as an individual, react is a choice.
 
The closest Ducky got to Andie was standing next to her for the movie poster.

Must have been because she was too much of an idiot to recognize a good thing when she saw it, right? It couldn't have possibly been because he wasn't what she was looking for in partner, could it? Oh no. That would be just too reasonable, wouldn't it? Give me a break. :rolleyes:

You're conveniently forgetting that at the prom, there was a very cute girl who showed interest in Ducky, much to his delight.

And for the record, I very much disagree that the suggestions above would lead to the extinction of the human race. I was in a committed relationship when I met my husband, and we were strictly friends for the duration of that time. When it ended, he let me know of his interest in me in a frank, yet polite, respectful way. He also didn't crowd me, or pressure me to respond. He left the ball in my court, to respond as I saw fit. Long story short, we got married, we're still together 25 years later, and we have three kids to boot.

All I'm saying is, it's possible to be frank and considerate of the other person's feelings, both at the same time.

This.

I would also add that it's good to be aware of personal boundaries, and where you've placed yourself in relation to the other person. Try to be mindful and respectful of personal space, until you've been given an indication that it's okay to go beyond that boundary.

A few weeks ago, I was coming out of the store, loaded down with packages. I was approached by two young men who offered to help me carry my stuff to my car. Even though it was broad daylight and there were plenty of people around, my alarm bells started ringing almost immediately because they moved to take things from me instead of waiting to hear my response. Once they picked up on my apprehension (I'm pretty transparent), they started asking me questions, trying to put me at ease. They asked if I had kids (pretty obvious, since a lot of the stuff I had was kid related), and then started telling me stories about their own mom. That did a lot to help settle my nerves.

This is one of those incidents that left me smiling for the rest of the day. But the beginning of that encounter would have been much less nerve wracking had they been more mindful of my space to begin with.
 
Disagree...way too calibrated.

If the world took your advice there would be no next generation. Young men are already afraid to approach at all.

NOTHING you wrote "puts people at ease" unless people find androids running sub-routines and calculations heart-warming.

How about this: be genuine, be personable. If you cannot be personable, kill yourself.

A+ for your feminist studies paper, F for it applicability to life.

Be warm, be engaging, be kind to people. Engage everyone, not just the hotties you are trying to get to know.

Horrible advice also.

So, only gifted salesmen should apply for and obtain sales positions?

Those "cheeky types" are successful. The timid are not. Timid types freak women out because they worry about hurting their feelings. The cheeky ones they are able to engage with minimal emotional investment.

The closest Ducky got to Andie was standing next to her for the movie poster.

I often agree with you, however, in this case, I am going to have to call bullshit on this one, I am afraid.

First off, it plays into the whole intro/extrovert stereotype that is so bloody prevalent in American society and time and studies has shown that this is patently untrue. The quiet/shy tend to be just as, if not more successful, in many areas in life - including gaining sexual partners - than the loud/out-going ones.

And please please PLEASE, for the love of everything holy, do NOT confuse shy/quiet with being a Beta male. Many introverts are Alphas (regardless of gender), many extroverts are Alphas as well. Their demeanour has nothing to do with personality theories and/or social ethology.

Second, to claim that the loud, cheeky ones flirt/approach with minimal vested emotional interest is patently false. They may actually vested a huge emotional interest, but may show it differently.

Third, like Baila, I do take somewhat offence at the implication that what Bram suggested would spell out the doom of humanity. Additionally, while Bram wrote about traditional approach (ie. man approaches woman), the advice is sound for all approaches whether it is the woman approaching the man, a man approaching another male, female approaching female and all in between. He emphasised respect. Hell, this could be a good guide for sales people at the mall!

As it has been mentioned before, it is very very VERY possible to be forward and at the same time, to be exceptionally polite and respectful.

The one thing I'd suggest is before one approaches anybody, take a moment to read their body language. Oftentimes, it is plain to see if they are interested in engaging with someone, or they prefer to be left alone.

Just my thoughts - take it or leave it :)
 
I borrowed her words with "cheeky."

No studies show that shy men have as many sexual partners as bold men. That said of course quantity is not quality.

I don't think I said introvert...admittedly it sounds like that. One can do a lot of non-verbal bold communication while maintaining a quiet gravitas. Not something I am going to pull off at my age and 5'8" standing aloof, and cool against the bar.

You believe in some version of transmitted energy, yes? Like, I don't care if it is metaphysical, or just the "energy" conveyed by your personality. Even a red shirt suggests I am a little more worth a look than a black one. I wear black a lot- all the better to stalk with.

The sheer number of potential mates you interact with increases the odds that you will find someone suitable. A bold man making a lot of approaches is much more likely to find himself happily settled down. Those settling only for those willing to tip their hand are not going to fare as well.

Disney movies are not "studies."

None of the go, slow make absolutely sure she is into you advice would you give to a friend or family member that is already painfully shy. If you KNOW he is very much a great guy, just awkward, you would encourage him to find that great girl. If falling on his face a time or two, or experiencing an awkward moment was the downside, I have a hard time any of you could picture "shy guy" that you know ever saying something that is so offensive it ought not be uttered.

PS, I am sure you realize you would be fired as a sales trainer for those people in the mall with this sort of advice. Sales is all about approaches. Smile, find a way to engage.
 
Last edited:
I borrowed her words with "cheeky."

No studies show that shy men have as many sexual partners as bold men. That said of course quantity is not quality.

I don't think I said introvert...admittedly it sounds like that. One can do a lot of non-verbal bold communication while maintaining a quiet gravitas. Not something I am going to pull off at my age and 5'8" standing aloof, and cool against the bar.

You believe in some version of transmitted energy, yes? Like, I don't care if it is metaphysical, or just the "energy" conveyed by your personality. Even a red shirt suggests I am a little more worth a look than a black one. I wear black a lot- all the better to stalk with.

The sheer number of potential mates you interact with increases the odds that you will find someone suitable. A bold man making a lot of approaches is much more likely to find himself happily settled down. Those settling only for those willing to tip their hand are not going to fare as well.

Disney movies are not "studies."

None of the go, slow make absolutely sure she is into you advice would you give to a friend or family member that is already painfully shy. If you KNOW he is very much a great guy, just awkward, you would encourage him to find that great girl. If falling on his face a time or two, or experiencing an awkward moment was the downside, I have a hard time any of you could picture "shy guy" that you know ever saying something that is so offensive it ought not be uttered.

PS, I am sure you realize you would be fired as a sales trainer for those people in the mall with this sort of advice. Sales is all about approaches. Smile, find a way to engage.

I am sure that this is directed at me, and I need to clarify because if it is, you have misread my post and seem to fixate on one, small - and quite inconsequential, to be honest - detail. I really truly hope that you do not see this as an attack, and in fact, after this, I'll leave the thread.

I have never said that introverts gain more sexual partners than extrovert. What I said, and I repeat: The quiet/shy tend to be just as, if not more successful, in many areas in life - including gaining sexual partners - than the loud/out-going ones.
Never have I said that this equates to gaining more sexual partners. I merely stated that they are just as successful in gaining partners. However you define more successful in gaining partners is up to you. It is a bit open to interpretation, I agree. Maybe I should have been specific. Maybe not. However, I assumed that it would drive the case in point that one does not need to be pushy or 'cheeky' to be incredibly successful in all aspects of life. As you said, find a way to engage. However, it seems - and I could be wrong - that whenever one points out a milder way to engage, it is dismissed; that the best way to engage is to be in your face. Again, I could be extremely wrong, but that is the sense I am getting. If I am wrong, then I do sincerely apologise:rose:.

As a woman, I can tell you that from my personal experience, Bram's suggestions are spot on. As someone who worked within a sales team as an accountant, I can tell that by the books alone, those who were more successful where the ones who were not pushy, who actually followed most of Bram's advice. Maybe it is a clash of culture, I do not know.

Yes, you did not use the words introvert/extrovert. The implications of the shy/quiet and cheeky descriptors lead me to that conclusion. That is on me. And for what it is worth, I do agree with that different conversational styles works best for different people, and I will reiterate that you are absolutely spot on with finding an angle to engage with. But, one must learn to read social cues and body language when enough is enough and respect that, which was the point of the first post. :)

I haven't read anywhere where it said "going slow, making absolutely sure s/he is into you" - not I, nor anyone that I have read right now made that claim. What was said, though, is learn when to back off.

And by the way, just because a person is shy does not make them polite. There are many 'painfully shy' guys that are rude, and one of them I would have cheerfully decked. There are also extremely polite out-going types as well. I've dated both.

The entire point of this thread is how to approach people in a frank, direct and yet respectful manner. This is one of the sidelines it took, where it was important to clarify that one can be polite and 'timid' and still attract people and that the loud mouths are not necessarily more successful than their quieter counterparts. That is all.


Regarding the quip about Disney movies not being studies: I have no bloody clue where that came from - it was pretty low. Query, I know you to be intelligent. You know that I post relatively frequently. You also know that I put in a lot of thought in every single word that I use - it's rare that I make an ambiguous post in the How-To, especially in thread likes these. It happens (QED), but it is rare. You also know that I spend time researching whenever I post, a habit I seem to bring over from my off-line life. So you know that I am intelligent, and that I am very careful in the studies that I use (it's part of my training - I can't seem to get rid of it). Please do not assume that I would ever use Disney, non-peer reviewed or unsubstantiated literature without careful investigation as 'studies'. Just... no. It borders on the insulting if it wasn't so funny. Please do not demean my intelligence by assuming or stating as such. I am sure that it was not intentional :rose::)

I hope that this clarified my post. I did not mean to attack, and I trust that you will not take it as such. I certainly do not want to start anything. I just absolutely needed to make sure that there was no misunderstanding. As I do not want to derail such a wonderful thread that Bram started, I will be stepping out. :rose:

Bram, sorry about the hijacking :) :rose: Carry on! :D
 
Last edited:
Good job Query!!!:mad: NOT!!! We get some intellectual responses from very intelligent females and you chase them off!!! First Pm Ann and now you!!
 
The sheer number of potential mates you interact with increases the odds that you will find someone suitable. A bold man making a lot of approaches is much more likely to find himself happily settled down. Those settling only for those willing to tip their hand are not going to fare as well.

and likely to be divorced sooner? The bold man may or may not get laid more but his ability to find himself happily settled down is no better than someone who treads carefully.

Maybe your bold man is so impulsive that he is the one to screw up the "happily settled down".
 
and in fact, after this, I'll leave the thread.

I wish you wouldn't. :rose:

Your profession affords you a unique perspective on human behavior that many of us lack. I, for one, find it fascinating when you go into professor mode, and I learn quite a bit from you. Please reconsider your decision.
 
I wish you wouldn't. :rose:

Your profession affords you a unique perspective on human behavior that many of us lack. I, for one, find it fascinating when you go into professor mode, and I learn quite a bit from you. Please reconsider your decision.

Yes please!! This!!! Fire_breeze please!
 
L M A O

I think in reality, most people harbor many insecurities. They are afraid of rejection as much or more than they are afraid of being attacked by a creap or crazy. They are hesitant to approach and to be approached for fear that the other may go over some imaginary line. I've been in store lines or other out and about situations and have made innocent comments to women, not even intending any sort of sexual approach, and sometimes have gotten a smile and some simple conversation and sometimes been looked at like I might be a serial killer.

I suppose part of the dynamic is the environment in which it occurs. People go to bars and clubs and expect to approach and be approached. It's within the rules of engagement. In other situations like sitting in a doctor's waiting room or waiting online at a fast food place, people may not be expecting to be approached and it takes them off guard, or they may just not be in a frame of mind to be approached.

Sometimes, things just leave an opening. I was recently standing in line at the dry cleaners and in walked a very attractive young woman wearing a tee shirt that said "What the hell is PMI?" So I just smiled and said, "Ok, so I'll ask.....what the hell is PMI?" At least she laughed and it was an ice breaker for a 5 minute conversation....no ulterior motives since her immediate response was that it was an orgaization her HUSBAND belonged to. I've learned in the past that if the first few words out of a woman's mouth included some reference to her "husband", (unless it was an indication about him being an asshole) then that was usually a clue to keep some distance. I think that's the married woman's peaceful mace...."My husband says..." "I'll have to mention that to my husband when he gets home from his karate lesson...." "Oh, my husband couldn't be here because he's a homicide cop ahd has to work today..."

I love this!
Women with good looks are jaded because of the pickup artist community.
Those guys attend classes, get videos online, practice with a woman coach on delivery, technique, language patterns and even have a "wing man" so they work as a team to get the TARGET away from her friends and build Social Status in the TARGET'S mind.
If a guy approaches wide eyed, nervous, says it's your turn to be polite now...uses dramatic pauses mid sentence...stands to your side...touches your arm, shoulder...wants to 'try something' and then nips your wrist with his teeth or puts his hand on the back of your head, grabs your hair and pulls your head backwards...he's a player and ONLY after a pussy fuck...if he's really good he'll say that you are a sexual being who has been wondering about expanding her sexual experiences...this is a prelude to get you to let him asshole fuck you.
They use 'The Cube" to psychologically analyze you.
You can find out the meaning of this at puaforums.com
When you catch on that he has several other TARGETS he peckers routinely, he will try to emotionally enslave you into an open relationship...and then dump you when you realize you've been had!
And guys wonder why women are rude bitches!
:eek:
 
I know discussions wander and the OP doesn't own a thread just because they started it.

But I do find it interesting that a discussion that started out as "how can I be considerate of others when approaching them?" very quickly started to turn into "which approach is most likely to work out for me?"
 
I think in reality, most people harbor many insecurities. They are afraid of rejection as much or more than they are afraid of being attacked by a creap or crazy. They are hesitant to approach and to be approached for fear that the other may go over some imaginary line. I've been in store lines or other out and about situations and have made innocent comments to women, not even intending any sort of sexual approach, and sometimes have gotten a smile and some simple conversation and sometimes been looked at like I might be a serial killer.

I suppose part of the dynamic is the environment in which it occurs. People go to bars and clubs and expect to approach and be approached. It's within the rules of engagement. In other situations like sitting in a doctor's waiting room or waiting online at a fast food place, people may not be expecting to be approached and it takes them off guard, or they may just not be in a frame of mind to be approached.

Sometimes, things just leave an opening. I was recently standing in line at the dry cleaners and in walked a very attractive young woman wearing a tee shirt that said "What the hell is PMI?" So I just smiled and said, "Ok, so I'll ask.....what the hell is PMI?" At least she laughed and it was an ice breaker for a 5 minute conversation....no ulterior motives since her immediate response was that it was an orgaization her HUSBAND belonged to. I've learned in the past that if the first few words out of a woman's mouth included some reference to her "husband", (unless it was an indication about him being an asshole) then that was usually a clue to keep some distance. I think that's the married woman's peaceful mace...."My husband says..." "I'll have to mention that to my husband when he gets home from his karate lesson...." "Oh, my husband couldn't be here because he's a homicide cop ahd has to work today..."

^^^
This is brilliance. I really think this is great. The comment about being at a bar versus being at a doctor's office is great. The environment really does matter. One can expect to be approached at a bar. One can expect some privacy at a doctor's office.

Also, the information a woman adds into her conversation is rather telling. If she mentions her husband right away, that's probably a sign that you're not going to be welcomed to make a pass.


We all like to be complimented.

I don't quite think this is the case. I think a surprising number of people genuinely don't like compliments or know how to react to them.
 
Back
Top