Experimental story

Hi,

I wrote this story recently where I tried to go outside my comfort zone and write about characters I don't normally write about.

Here's the link: http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?url=kiss-with-a-fist

Let me know what you make of the story, characters and (not to forget), the all important sex.

Well... I don't know. Had a gritty, kind of noir feel to it, which is good if that's what you were going for. The characters weren't terribly likable, but then you do that on purpose a lot.

Two things got me:

"elusive areola" Ummm... what? Does it move around? I think I know what you meant but that was a bizarre way of describing it and honestly, it stuck in my head the whole rest of the story.

Second, breaking that wall with the reader. It made no sense and interrupted the flow and jarred me out of the story.

PennLady said:

Well... I don't know. Had a gritty, kind of noir feel to it, which is good if that's what you were going for. The characters weren't terribly likable, but then you do that on purpose a lot.

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I was aiming for a noir-ish feel. The characters weren't meant to be (entirely) likeable, but did they garner some sympathy at least?

LaRascasse said:

I was aiming for a noir-ish feel. The characters weren't meant to be (entirely) likeable, but did they garner some sympathy at least?

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Not from me. I'm sorry they had bad and/or abusive childhoods, but to me that doesn't excuse bad behavior for the rest of your life. I know, it can be difficult, and no doubt it's easier if you have more money and access to services. But aside from that, there was no... remorse or regret or something like that.

I don't think I'm explaining this well, and sorry for that. There just wasn't enough under all of the anger or what have you for me to hold on to and have some empathy for the characters. Maybe... it's that they seemed to be satisfied with their current circumstances...

I don't expect every relationship to be a fairy tale, and I know there are dysfunctional relationships out there, and that's fine. But I didn't particularly see why I should be sympathetic or empathetic to either of them.

I passed on editing this one so I feel a bit guilty giving feedback now, but a few comments:

I agree with PL that having them speak to the reader was jarring. That sort of thing can work well in a light-hearted whimsical sort of piece, but here it worked against the mood.

"His tongue imbibed every nuance of liquid which flowed from her" - "nuance" means "a subtle or slight degree of difference in meaning/feeling/tone", so I don't think it's the right word here.

"Imbibe" is to drink, but I'm not sure if a tongue on its own can really be said to drink; I'd have gone with something like "lapped up".

"Their lips met in a fiery inferno of passion" - all infernos are fiery. Likewise, "crimson blush", it'd be a worry if it wasn't.

Telling Darcy about his upcoming visit to Louie, the planned attack on the Crips, and about Officer Sullivan being on the take: this all seemed a bit too spelled-out for me. "Hi, let me discuss all the vital details of the felonies we're about to commit with somebody who's not part of our gang." Somebody that loose-lipped isn't likely to be trusted by his boss.

See also: "The boss wanted me to ask you where to put the drugs we took from those Crips bastards today" - not the sort of thing you talk about in front of a non-member!

I thought the relationship between Eddie and Darcy was interesting. You don't often get stories about female domestic violence. But I wanted a bit more about how that affected the other aspects of Eddie's life. In particular, how does his gang feel about a guy who lets a woman beat him up in public, without hitting back?

Miranda: interesting twist, but there's no explanation of why Eddie has the relationship with her that he does. This isn't something that you do lightly.

Overall: Eddie was an interesting character but needed a bit more explanation. I found Darcy a bit two-dimensional; she's there entirely as an antagonist and motivation for Eddie, and I didn't get any sense for what she does with her life when she's not punching or screwing him.

in brief:

The 4th wall breaking was bad, the sudden sex afterwards which happens for no reason is worse. I'm not saying you need extended foreplay, but please let the reader understand why everything is happening. Breaking the 4th wall is never an option unless you have a good reason for exposing a character's fictionality.

Your characters are not too unlikeable, they are random jerks. You should have reveled in their negative characters traits. They do have poor attitudes: is this why you think it is noir? because this isn't much like noir at all. Eddie could have done some coke despite protests it would make him soft, i.e. he is selfish [. . . but she blows him anyway, or something.].

If you are worried your character being too unlikeable then use a "save the cat" moment: showing one redeeming quality in a character by having them doing one thing nice. You could also have more interactions with a competing character who is even more villainous.

The editing could be more thorough but it's not too bad: a better copy would elevate your writing. Bramble has mentioned a few weird phrasings and there are many more. There is occasional adverb abuse with the worst offender being "longingly". Gah! I never want to see that word ever again. Show desire in the character, but do not do so by ever using the word "longingly".