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So what happened to Fetlife?

CutieMouse said:
... I was wondering how long it would take an enterprising hacker to get through whatever system they're putting in place to make membership "invitation only".
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Three hours to three weeks depending on who coded it usually. Pretty much anything online can be hacked. Just ask Lastpass, Sony, and other brands supposed to be considered safe.

MeekMe said:
Looks like new members can join with a text message verification.

There's been concern over how the site recognizes numbers for different countries, but overall this seems to be the process and it doesn't appear to be horribly inconvenient.
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Overall not that difficult to integrate, it's an existing and rather popular method. Yet throwaway SIMs and numbers just happen to be one of the main sources of [text] spam in the world so I'm not sure whether they just opted for first 'common solution' and actually thought about that. I would bet the IPs of most spammers would be a hint at not opting for SMS verification because throwaway SIMs may be very popular in their originating locations.


All in all the biggest pity is that FL is a source for learning. In a vile, and often harshly competitive internet with scenes such as /b/ it isn't always easy to come up with a safe alternative quickly to continue catering to those who look for info.


The software used for Lit forums is considered "absolutely" secure, but while it has been done is not necessarily the software one would use to build a whole portal with. Otherwise... if you plan on running a high traffic adult website/community you better have a sound security system and team in place.

Because sooner or later the internet will hit you. Sadly enough.
 
CutieMouse said:
It feels like I'm gossiping by thinking-out-loud here, instead of Fet... Like I'm at a party standing in the kitchen talk about someone in the living room...

Anyway!

The sociology-nerd in me is watching the changes at Fet unfold with interest. Interesting points of view on all sides -

A) it's JB's site; he gets to do anything he damn well pleases
B) the sky is falling/this we are witnessing the death throes of Fet
C) must! protect! The Lifestyle!

I kinda agree with A - it's Baku's baby, his money, time & business model. I may question the decision, but I also acknowledge there are factors involved I do not understand because it's not my baby.

I very much see the view of B, mostly because C. And C is where my real concern lies. I understand people found ways to find kink long befor the interwebz was invented. TES and SOJ were around when websites were just a twinkle in some dude's eye. But how people used to find "community" however one defines it), isn't how "community" is found, today. Most of the local groups/organizations depend on Fet to make announcements and/or recruit new members. A lot of people have no idea there are groups & organizations out there, and Fet is their first exposure to the concept of a "kink community".

It becomes a chicken/egg thing; a symbiotic relationship, which I'm sure will eventually be sorted out.

But the thing that is really concerning to me, is the number of posts and writings I'm seeing over there, that talk of this change (even temporarily) being a good move because now we can ensure people are "serious" about BDSM".

How does one define "serious about BDSM", and who gets to decide what qualifies? I don't go to munches. I loathe public dungeons. I (snobbishly, I admit) see a strong % of "lifestylers" as kinky D&D players with whom I have little in common. I own a grand total of TWO toys, and that's only because my lover thought they might be fun. [They are.] I've been tied up exactly 4 times; 3 of them put me off bondage for years. I don't use titles, and approach people as equals in all settings - creating the assumption "domme" the few times I did try to explore in the local scene. I keep my kink private; I don't even have any fetishes listed on my Fet profile because unless you're in my bed its none of your damn business.

From the outside looking in, I could easily be seen as not serious".

Yet my relationships revolve around D/s. I lean towards TPE/CNC (with the right partner). I am who I am (what I am) 24/7 regardless of status - single, partnered, poly, monogamous.

I can't think of a way anyone could create a litmus test for someone like me. And the more I see posts and writings about the changes being a good thing, that the website needs a way to vet people, that we need to ensure the right sort of people are joining... The more I question where people like me, who already feel marganilized by "the scene", will fit in.

Fet can close ranks and wrap the website with a kinky white picket fence, but it won't eliminate the cyber-stalkers, spam-bots, pay-for-play, virus-laden posts. Those people will always find a way. But it will make it harder for people like me to make a positive difference in an online community.
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The very people would are talking about who's serious about kink are the same ones telling people they're doing it wrong. While not everyone needs to have a clue about what it is that we do in the bedroom, living room, special public places :D

We should be welcoming to those that want to learn. That site allowed me to expand my understanding of the relationships. having been to a munch to learn and met someone from the site who was far more in to the lifestyle and considerably more knowledgeable about the different types and the psychology behind them. I've grown to understand not just that neither dom nor sub label fits me. I've grown comfortable with the definition of switch and with both assuming control mentally, physically, and sexually in and out of the bedroom, and being the one giving up control. I've learned a fair amount from the site, but it took wading through a significant amount of bullshit. But they're still entitled to their opinions.

I hope that the site finds a way to be as open as it has been, or another arises to take its place.
 
Hey all, there's a group over in Fetlife called "Listers Unite!!"

I just joined and it's dead. If you're in Fetlife, come over and join the group, let's see if we can revive it.

MindFondler is there with me, and we'd love to see more people there chatting. And feel free to friend me - I'm "KentuckyLady" over there.

See you on the dark side :)
 
AKentuckyLady said:
Hey all, there's a group over in Fetlife called "Listers Unite!!"

I just joined and it's dead. If you're in Fetlife, come over and join the group, let's see if we can revive it.

MindFondler is there with me, and we'd love to see more people there chatting. And feel free to friend me - I'm "KentuckyLady" over there.

See you on the dark side :)
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Awaiting others! We have cookies! :D

I'm somewhat bewildered by the recent changes to Fetlife. I haven't read up on them in detail as they don't affect me directly, but I can understand the concerns about inclusivity. The ethos about BDSM that's ingrained into me is that there's no "right" way and few "wrong" ways for consenting partners to go about things (except, say, in matters of safety). One of the biggest thrills for me is to bring my own personal twist to an activity and see it catch the attention of onlookers, who recognise that it's different but it works. I'd hate to feel that I always need to do things "by the book" for fear of ridicule.

For what it's worth, I have several "Fetlife invitations" that I can send to specified e-mail addresses. I need to be responsible with them, so I won't be offering them to randoms, but if anyone that I've interacted for a while with here would like me to send one, then please get in touch. :)
.
 
Anyone can join FL now they just need to go through the text message verification. The invites are only good for avoiding that but are essentially useless because there are ways around actually providing your own number.
 
Fetlife is huge and I think it has grown faster than they thought it would. I kind of wonder why it's grown so fast, being a member myself. But, I'm kind of a stick in the mud, when it comes to some things. I've also been vocal that I don't really care for their format, but there are advantages to several hundred kinksters from my local city as members.

And, for play parties, you have to be a member of FL to receive the special acknowledgments. That can also tend to limit new members from groups like that, too so an email system was created for our group. So, there has been some disintegration of FL's site, just in ways like that. Not really that damaging, but I'm sure groups will find ways around any new FL rules and eventually find ways of not even needing it. You can sometimes shoot yourself in the foot, when you start things that hinder members from doing what they came to your site for, in the first place.

Those hundreds of kinky members from my local city might find it difficult to meet and greet and that can be disturbing, when you enjoy meeting and greeting...in the kinky way.

Not to change the subject or alienate the Canadian members of this forum...isn't Fetlife a Canadian creation? Eh?
 
I haven't been on FL in a long time.What I tried didn't work. I would have to make a new profile. Or attempt to recover my p.w.

I didn't get to the meeting part but chatted with a few Doms,learned more, receved advice,and made a few friends. It wasn't bad. But I didn't click right with the few potentials I did talk to.
 
Thanks for the update... I recently encouraged a partner to join and had no idea this was happening.
 
Was just talking to my Daddy about FL yesterday.

First, I am grateful for the site, it's where I met my D!!! He's local and we have been able to actually meet face to face to see if there was real chemistry or just OL...it's very real, and it's very, very good!!

Second and but...FL seems to have a large hard on for going after new meat and picking them until they reach the bone. I had someone attempt it with me when I made my very first post. But I had been reading for a while and knew this seemed to be a pretty routine and regular habit. And honestly thought I covered all my bases. I read the group rules, I stayed within them, or so I thought...
I also chose my words carefully, trying to give them little fodder to feed one. I failed there too! LOL!
Now going after me in this way is not a trigger for me to become an apologetic twit and try and get in the good graces of the bullies on the playground. I have spent too much time in discussion groups and have seen this behavior before, but NEVER to the degree that it exists on FL!!!!
So when the bully arrived and started picking my post apart, I responded with antagonism. The bully must not have cared for it, because the next thing I knew, a mod showed up, chastised me for the way I spoke to the other member and told me my post was very close to breaking the rules of posting a question that was a sticky (no, it wasn't and reading comprehension was obviously not her strong suit) and she locked my post.
Now, fortunately for me, I have a VERY patient DD. And I have spent a lot of time reading and learning about the fetish life since I made my initial dive in! But had I not, and had I not known that this behavior was very typical on FL, at the very least, it would be annoying, at the worst, able to turn someone new away completely who was trying to learn...and left to experiment without education.
So I've decided to steer pretty clear of FL for now. I like it here at Lit. This group seems to be straight shooters, pretty crass, but some mostly all good hearted and kind people who genuinely want to help when newcomers come stumbling in in a fully on frenzy!
 
I'm not on fetlife and after reading that post, I have no desire to be. I have seen way too much of that kind of toxic forum troll behavior on other forums that I have posted on (sports, music, etc related) and I don't like it- especially when the administrators seem to condone or even tacitly encourage it! I'm glad to have found this site. I try to be civil, respectful and open, and hopefully learn from (and share what I have experienced) with others on here.

It is a shame about fetlife though because even though I do not have a profile there, I would think it would be a great place to connect with like minded people. Especially since I know very few in the area I live.
 
PaxNurgle said:
I'm not on fetlife and after reading that post, I have no desire to be. I have seen way too much of that kind of toxic forum troll behavior on other forums that I have posted on (sports, music, etc related) and I don't like it- especially when the administrators seem to condone or even tacitly encourage it! I'm glad to have found this site. I try to be civil, respectful and open, and hopefully learn from (and share what I have experienced) with others on here.

It is a shame about fetlife though because even though I do not have a profile there, I would think it would be a great place to connect with like minded people. Especially since I know very few in the area I live.
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I haven't encountered anything like what she described. It wasn't (likely) from an admin but more likely she joined a group that had an ignorant moderator or two (or who was friends with the bully she mentioned).

In any case - Fet isn't (mostly) an online forum. Its main intent is to help people find groups or get togethers near where they live or near places of interest. If you go from Lit to Fet and expect a similar experience, you'll find Fet to be a pretty shitty site. However, if you realize what it is, and you start going to events, then you realize that it's pretty good for what it is. It could improve, of course. I don't love everything about it. But I have met quite a few really cool people through the site - people I'd have had very tiny chance of meeting otherwise.
 
RawHumor said:
I haven't encountered anything like what she described. It wasn't (likely) from an admin but more likely she joined a group that had an ignorant moderator or two (or who was friends with the bully she mentioned).

In any case - Fet isn't (mostly) an online forum. Its main intent is to help people find groups or get togethers near where they live or near places of interest. If you go from Lit to Fet and expect a similar experience, you'll find Fet to be a pretty shitty site. However, if you realize what it is, and you start going to events, then you realize that it's pretty good for what it is. It could improve, of course. I don't love everything about it. But I have met quite a few really cool people through the site - people I'd have had very tiny chance of meeting otherwise.
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Totally agree with this. It's more like a fetish facebook. It's fun to join some of the groups, you can get to know people (sort of) that way. There are a million different groups. I'm in a group called Slow Cooker Sluts :rolleyes: Another one about makeup and beauty products. Go figure.

But mostly, it's a great way to meet people in your area, if you're ready to make the leap to real life. When I first decided to start meeting local kinksters, I contacted some moderators of the groups I wanted to go to and said hey, I'm new, will you help me out?? It was a good way to go to a munch, start to meet people and get my kink on.
 
Yes, it was a group moderator.

And yes, finding out there are local people and even meeting my Day would have never, ever happened without fetlife...so I am grateful!!

And yes, it is in the groups I have seen this behavior I described.
 
bemydaddyplease said:
Yes, it was a group moderator.

And yes, finding out there are local people and even meeting my Day would have never, ever happened without fetlife...so I am grateful!!

And yes, it is in the groups I have seen this behavior I described.
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I read that. The moderators I talked with were for munches I went to real time. I haven't been active on Fet for a while though, so things might have changed.

Glad you found your daddy.
 
I think FL is great for the discussion groups, it's the only thing I use the site for. I've not had any problems with them and I don't use the site to meet people. Group moderators aren't employed by the site and the model is to create your own content so there are thousands of special interest groups created by the users of the site. This also means they create and enforce their own group rules (within site TOU). The part I like most is that people are not automatically required to handhold when participating, unless they belong to one of the groups with specific rules towards being gentle no matter what. Often it seems that what people perceive as others being "mean" is really just them being blunt.
 
Mine was not a perception of mean, nor is it bluntness I am referring to more nitpicky of every word or phrase used. And it was not noticed just in one group, but five or six that I clicked around in. I know there is a plethora to choose from, but when you move from one to the next and notice the same pattern, you begin to believe that the pattern forms a design for the site.

I'll use what I wrote as an example. The topic was directed to subs on small and unique ideas they have used to please their D. Within it, I said "I know 'everyone is different', but we are many a lot alike in this life...just looking for those special things you have cleverly come up with for your Dom/me to let them know they are the center of your world and their needs come first?"

The hen came in to pick apart this phrase: " to let them know they are the center of your world and their needs come first?"
She wanted to point out that life still had to go on and she had to hold down a job, pay bills, etc and so forth.
Now, I did not really feel, that within my OP, I needed to mention all the caveats of life that obviously would make it impossible to always put our Dom/me as the very center or our world and that their needs would come before anything and everything else. That was clearly my mistake. And when I mentioned that to the hen, the mod told me I was being mean (I wasn't...I was antagonizing) and locked the post.

And the hen's great advice to ways to make your dom/me feel extra special? This, "Sending an occasional message to let them know they are in my thoughts works for me." It made me feel a little sorry for her Dom....but I didn't go that far in my antagonizing...
 
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bemydaddyplease said:
Mine was not a perception of mean, nor is it bluntness I am referring to more nitpicky of every word or phrase used. And it was not noticed just in one group, but five or six that I clicked around in. I know there is a plethora to choose from, but when you move from one to the next and notice the same pattern, you begin to believe that the pattern forms a design for the site.

I'll use what I wrote as an example. The topic was directed to subs on small and unique ideas they have used to please their D. Within it, I said "I know 'everyone is different', but we are many a lot alike in this life...just looking for those special things you have cleverly come up with for your Dom/me to let them know they are the center of your world and their needs come first?"

The hen came in to pick apart this phrase: " to let them know they are the center of your world and their needs come first?"
She wanted to point out that life still had to go on and she had to hold down a job, pay bills, etc and so forth.
Now, I did not really feel, that within my OP, I needed to mention all the caveats of life that obviously would make it impossible to always put our Dom/me as the very center or our world and that their needs would come before anything and everything else. That was clearly my mistake. And when I mentioned that to the hen, the mod told me I was being mean (I wasn't...I was antagonizing) and locked the post.

And the hen's great advice to ways to make your dom/me feel extra special? This, "Sending an occasional message to let them know they are in my thoughts works for me." It made me feel a little sorry for her Dom....but I didn't go that far in my antagonizing...
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Meh, I know exactly what post and group you're talking about. That's one of those questions that people ask all the time.

"It made me feel a little sorry for her Dom."

:rolleyes: ^^^There ya go. Someone gave you a valid answer to what works for them (because everyone's different) and you basically just said, "that's not good enough." Sending an occasional message is something I do because life is busy and I can't always go out of my way to do something extra special for them. I also like an occasional message because it's nice to be thought of.
 
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