My first erotic poem

Hello. I would appreciate feedback. After which, I would like to post it on the site.

Do you know that I want to tell you that I want to be naked with you forever,
naked like the salt on the cliffs and the lighthouses burning above them,
and that I want to dash boats against the rocks with you where the pigeons sing?

Do you know that I want to tell you that I want to touch the peace which falls
and waits for me like accumulated snow on your body, and that I want to kiss your
breasts with the heat of my mouth and the roughness of my face until your eyes
and nipples are like tiger fur?

Do you know that I want to tell you that I want to place my fingers, like dissolving decanters,
into your shining pink softness,and that I want to see you gasp and open your mouth until
all you can do is speak silence and show the stars your teeth?

Do you know that I want to tell you that I want to make love to you among the plantains
and pineapples, and that I want the tropical birds to make tropical sounds when we crush
the wild flowers with our wildness?

I know that I want these things, and I know that I will want them with you,
even without knowing who it is that you are or what it is that you look like,
because I know that how much water your body displaces when it sits in a bath,
or how high your hands can reach when reaching for an apple in a tree,
matter far less to me than whether you want to celebrate with your body and with your hands.

Yes, I know that I will want you every day, even without knowing what you look like today,
because I know that what colour your eyes and skin are from one moment to the next,
or what your proportions are when standing still or sitting in a chair,
matter far less to me than whether you want to wear the seasons like glory on your skin.

Yes, I know that I will want you tomorrow, even without knowing who you have been yesterday,
because what words you know and what books you may or may not have read,
or what school you went to and what jobs you can list on your long-form resume,
matter far less to me than whether you want to make love outside in the rain and
worship the world like creatures.

And do you know that I want to hear the papery sound the waves make when your
hands collect your dress up in white bunches and folds above your thighs and you
show me your desire like a photograph of the ocean, or that I want the earth to
be soft beneath you when your sweet, receiving nakedness asks me to put my body
on your body like fire on a burning ship?

And do you know that I want you to sit here with me while I write about wanting you,
and that I want you to want to put your hand in my lap, very sweetly, and to touch me,
gently, like a pink-tongued doe drinking from a pond, because you are as wild, shy and desperate
for me as I am for you, and that I want you to want to touch me until I cannot take it anymore
and I need to fuck your shuddering, giving body beneath the green swords of the pineapples?

I want you, like madness wants light I want you, and do you know that I will want you to want me the same
when I make love to you with my savage soul and imperil our names?

Thanks for reading.

P.S: I've had the idea of starting a website to embrace, celebrate and learn about my desire and soul.
I just made the website live and the poem (it is the only post) has the formatting I currently like on there.

Before starting anything else get rid of all those 'thats'

needs pruning...

you have some decent lines, but they are buried in too much filler, the white space and what you don't put in is as important as what you do put in.

Welcome Written... to PF&D. I hope you stick round. This is a friendly place where you can learn a lot about writing poetry. I know I have and continue to do so.

I think your poem has potential. There are some decent lines as tod noted.

In general, I thought the lines were too long. Others may disagree with that; however, in reading your poem I was reminded of the "Black Mountain Poets" who argued that line length should match the breath. An occasional long line is ok but more as a variation, rather than a steady flow.

I re-worked your first stanza to give an example:

Do you know that I want to tell you
I want to be naked with you forever,
like the salt on the cliffs and
the lighthouses burning above them,
and that I want
to dash boats against the rocks
with you where pigeons sing?

"and that I want" is very short. In the mind's ear there's a tendency for a short pause before beginning the next line. "...I want," I think, creates a slight affect of anticipation, i.e., what do you want?

Repetition is good when it's done intentionally for added emphasis. "the salt on the cliffs" is a great image for nakedness, given "naked" precedes it. I deleted the second "naked" because it was superfluous IMO.

I agree with UYS there are too many "that's," although I left 2 of the 3 in the first stanza because they give added emphasis to the fact that the entire stanza is a question.

A good exercise is to go through your final draft and delete a word, a phrase, and even entire lines, and judge whether the meaning of the poem changes, the sonics aren't as pleasing to the ear, or the images become less clear. If none of those apply, it's best to delete them. You'll notice I deleted "the" before pidgeons. That may seem trivial, but if there are a dozen examples of the same throughout a poem, the reader can easily get bored. Words, of course, matter, but so does brevity.

AS with all writing it is personal. You have conveyed a good message and you are on a journey, so this is not the final destination. Keep it up and polish away.

Thank you for the responses! I'm stressed with some work at the moment so for now I would just like to acknowledge that I received and appreciate your time and responses. When I am less stressed (in a day or two), I'll respond more personally and substantially.

All the best

I like the way that the eroticism was indirect and metaphorical, and free from cliches. There are many poems posted on Lit that cannot make such claims.