What's Your Relationship?

Ahlam said:

Sometimes Mistress tasks me to write erotic short stories or to draft role playing scenarios within a specified set of parameters. I consider these to be tasks because they almost always come with a deadline. If I make the deadline, I am rewarded. If I don't, then I am punished in the not-fun way. Since I'm just the "sexy muse" or diversion, I don't really have responsibilities. She has a slave who sees to those things that need done.

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Thanks for sharing! It hadn't occurred to me that one with multiple partners may separate different types of tasks between them. >.< I always think of things from my own perspective even if I know there are a million others. I suppose that's what this thread is all about. ^_^

I just got out of an emotionally abusive long-term relationship. She found me when I was in a bad place in my life and did the love-bombing thing all psychopaths do. (I learned a lot of lessons the hard way with that, i.e. wanting to be life partner material right out of the gate is a huge red flag--it's a flag parade of red flags, really--intense praise and affection coupled with sex right out of the gate is a red flag, etc.)

Unfortunately/fortunately--depending on your perspective--I fell for the lie that she loved me and wanted to be with. Hard. And it changed me--for the better. I snapped out of what was at that point near-catatonic depression and resurrected my career, got us a house, etc. Basically, I provided everything that one might expect someone to work for in a healthy relationship that is headed for marriage.

And this is when her true colors started to show and she became emotionally abusive.

What I didn't realize until after things ended was that a person with a Cluster B personality is basically looking for an empathetic and damaged person with qualities they admire, so they can control and abuse the person while enjoying the benefits of those qualities. If you aren't completely broken when they find you, their job, in their eyes, is to break you.

Also, these people see love--and all emotions they don't possess, i.e. all non-reptilian brain emotions--as weakness and the moment you signal you are in love is the moment they can stop bothering with the mask.

So, I made the smooth move of getting involved with a narcissist/sociopath/whatever you want to label this type of person while I simultaneously made a dramatic change for the better and confessed my undying devotion and love. Really, I should have just taped a "KICK ME" sign to my front teeth.

The good news is that I had, unwittingly, dramatically shortened the shelf life of the relationship. I've since read accounts of people being in a relationship for many months before ANY sign of being "off" showed up and the relationship's devalue/rocky stage lasting years or decades. Ours went through the full cycle in exactly one year--to the fucking day.

It also taught me a lot of things about myself. EVERY girlfriend I've had in adult life has been damaged or somehow emotionally unavailable and had some, but not all, of the issues the narc did. And realizing what drew this one to me got me to realize something about myself--I see my younger self in these women and am trying to "save/rescue" them.

To get a little Rilkean, I've been inviting suffering into my life because I have been looking outward rather than inward. I need to save/rescue/fix myself.

I'm sorry you went through such a tough time Setanta84. Though, I'm not sure what that had to do with the different types of relationships in the BDSM community.
f^_^; )

Edit: damned smiley things

MeekMe said:

I'm sorry you went through such a tough time Setanta84. Though, I'm not sure what that had to do with the different types of relationships in the BDSM community. f^_^

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I saw some of the others had touched on recent past relationships, it was turning into this page post, and I saw that some of the others had touched on general relationship issues. (And you have to give me that the relationship described had some fucked up power dynamics.)

Basically, outside of the whole "damaged girl" thing, I like smart, confident, attractive women who are switchy. They all fit into those roles. (The narc was also into group sex and tried pressuring me into crossing some of my hard limits--and would lose all interest if I signaled I would do so willingly.)

MeekMe said:

Thanks for sharing! It hadn't occurred to me that one with multiple partners may separate different types of tasks between them. >.< I always think of things from my own perspective even if I know there are a million others. I suppose that's what this thread is all about. ^_^

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It's such a relief not to have to be somebody's everything! It absolves me from worrying too much about many of the unsexier details of shared daily life, but our relationship doesn't have the depth that a more singular monogamous one might have. It works for us for now, though. Beneath it all is an unspoken understanding that, friendship aside, the sexual dynamic of our relationship is likely temporary. I'm strangely happy about it.

Ahlam said:

It's such a relief not to have to be somebody's everything! It absolves me from worrying too much about many of the unsexier details of shared daily life, but our relationship doesn't have the depth that a more singular monogamous one might have. It works for us for now, though. Beneath it all is an unspoken understanding that, friendship aside, the sexual dynamic of our relationship is likely temporary. I'm strangely happy about it.

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That's great to hear! ^_^ If you're happy and getting what you need, I think it's fantastic.

Thank you for this thread! I've spent years away from Lit because of the "Twue" BS and people who claim to be open-minded but are just as judgemental as the "moral majority" only about different things. They used to give hollow advice about what I should do. How can one possibly know another person's situation or how complicated it is?

I've been stuck in a vanilla marriage for a long time so most of what I have to say applies to my past and my fantasies. In kink, I self-identify as a dominant switch. If I had an ideal relationship, I would prefer to be the one delivering the spankings most of the time. I enjoy caressing, spanking, fingering, licking and generally playing a woman's body like a fiddle. I also enjoy topping from the bottom. One of the expectations I have for my submissive partner is that she will surprise me once in a while and initiate kinky sex where I get to play the submissive role.

In real life, I pride myself on being an attentive lover. I love foreplay and try to bring my partner to orgasm orally or manually at least twice before vaginal penetration. She often stops me though and lets me know that she's ready to move things along.

I have not been a very good thread starter. I run into this problem in real life too. I run out of things to say. I do enjoy silence a lot so that probably has something to do with it.

Anyway, I'm happy this thread has gotten this far and I hope to see some new posts. Otherwise I'll just tell you all about our day to day activities that involve scooping kitty litter and watering potted plants.

I do hope to hear from more people on this.
And it's not only to avoid kitty litter talk or because I was so tired and bored I stalked my own posts.

nooo, not the kitty litter! I give! I give!


I've not had any relationship of any kind for months, i am sorry to say.
not an easy thing for me, but I'm holding out for something really top-grade.

there may be a whisper of a possibility of something here... time will tell.

irl, I've been wanting to attend a local munch, but have yet to work up the nerve.
silly, I know.

keeping busy in the meantime by doing some reading, some post-stalking of people I admire, and a lot of thinking. a question that recently came up in conversation with a friend: what do you look for first, the relationship, or the kink?

Wild_Honey_66 said:

nooo, not the kitty litter! I give! I give!


I've not had any relationship of any kind for months, i am sorry to say.
not an easy thing for me, but I'm holding out for something really top-grade.

there may be a whisper of a possibility of something here... time will tell.

irl, I've been wanting to attend a local munch, but have yet to work up the nerve.
silly, I know.

keeping busy in the meantime by doing some reading, some post-stalking of people I admire, and a lot of thinking. a question that recently came up in conversation with a friend: what do you look for first, the relationship, or the kink?

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For me, it's the relationship. My kink just doesn't seem to work in a casual relationship, so it's vital that I find the right person first.

midwestyankee said:

For me, it's the relationship. My kink just doesn't seem to work in a casual relationship, so it's vital that I find the right person first.

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hi, Yankee!

yes, but-- how?

"i like strawberry margaritas, long walks on the beach, and oh--

if you could hold me by the throat while snarling 'MINE!!' into my face? that'd be great."

Wild_Honey_66 said:

hi, Yankee!

yes, but-- how?

"i like strawberry margaritas, long walks on the beach, and oh--

if you could hold me by the throat while snarling 'MINE!!' into my face? that'd be great."

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Easy. I despise strawberry margaritas.

midwestyankee said:

Easy. I despise strawberry margaritas.

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hehehe

fine. you can mix the drinks.

Wild_Honey_66 said:

hehehe

fine. you can mix the drinks.

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Mix drinks? I take my liquor straight or not at all. [/hijack]

OK, OK I've thought about replying to this thread, and even started a post at least once that I remember. I've enjoyed reading about everyone's perspectives, because I too have been frustrated with the rigid ideas of others. I'll try not to make it a novel.

We are from the outside a vanilla couple with the female half (myself) taking the reins much of the time. My husband is pretty laid back, and I am not. It works for us. Plus, I'm great with all the micromanagement stuff and details. We do everything on consensus. Generally the way it works with the big decisions is after my research and thought and planning I tell him what I think we should do and why and he agrees. OK maybe that's an oversimplification but pretty accurate.

He's very much service oriented in his love. Frequently all I have to do is say, "Oh crap, I forgot to grab X!" and he'll go in the other room and get it. I try really hard not to say things like that on purpose. When we first spent time together he took away my dirty dishes after a meal. I felt so bad...it did not occur to me that someone might want to go out of their way to do something for someone...I certainly wouldn't have. I told him he shouldn't do such things or he'd spoil me. He hasn't stopped in the 12 years we've been together.

All that's only relevant because we're completely different in the bedroom. He's always been the one to take the lead with sex. I think he's just more secure, less afraid of a negative reaction from me than I am from him. I've always expressed a desire to not be in control; even from my earliest fantasies I knew that's what I liked. It has taken many years of practice, and figuring eachother out with this BDSM thing. However, we are now at a point where I feel like he really is the boss when it comes to sex and intimacy, and it feels really secure and comfortable to me. Yet if I ever say "This isn't good." we end it right there and move on. I really respect all the work he puts into that aspect of our relationship. I sometimes feel like I don't do enough, but maybe that's another topic for another thread.

Wild_Honey_66 said:

keeping busy in the meantime by doing some reading, some post-stalking of people I admire, and a lot of thinking. a question that recently came up in conversation with a friend: what do you look for first, the relationship, or the kink?

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For me the relationship is the priority. If I for some reason were looking for a new partner right now, I'd find someone with whom I could be romantically compatible with, because kink is about sex & intimacy for me. Sex is for romantic relationships for me. However, I don't think I could be satisfied with someone who wasn't compatible with my kinks.

I am flat out thrilled to learn so many are out there that are just like my husband and I, meekme and spunthings, reading about your relationships made me think I was writing it myself, they sound so familiar to my own life

Hubs and I had a VERY vanilla marriage for 7 years, recently he fessed up to his dark side, told me he longed to dominate me and tie me to our bedpost. So far I've been enjoying the ride, it's only been about 2 months so we are still very new but learning a lot as we go.

I would describe us as more of a D/s then BDSM I am his submissive in and out of the bedroom, although I care for our two boys and handle the budget, he has control in the bedroom. We are into exploring our limits together but do not participate in any sort of punishment or humiliation. I please him because it pleases me to do so and he rewards oh so well our marriage has never been better!

Kashmeer said:

I am flat out thrilled to learn so many are out there that are just like my husband and I, meekme and spunthings, reading about your relationships made me think I was writing it myself, they sound so familiar to my own life

Hubs and I had a VERY vanilla marriage for 7 years, recently he fessed up to his dark side, told me he longed to dominate me and tie me to our bedpost. So far I've been enjoying the ride, it's only been about 2 months so we are still very new but learning a lot as we go.

I would describe us as more of a D/s then BDSM I am his submissive in and out of the bedroom, although I care for our two boys and handle the budget, he has control in the bedroom. We are into exploring our limits together but do not participate in any sort of punishment or humiliation. I please him because it pleases me to do so and he rewards oh so well our marriage has never been better!

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We don't do punishment either. Humiliation is fun as long as it doesn't make me feel lesser in value, or that he doesn't respect me. It's more like making me feel more humble, or a little embarassed (but not ashamed). I also liked seeing other relationships I could identify with, as well as some that are very different. I like the diversity.

Hubby and I are full switches, it's part of the fun

Sorry for the absence in this thread. I wanted to wait until I could properly reply with a keyboard instead of my phone.

IrisAlthea said:

I do hope to hear from more people on this.
And it's not only to avoid kitty litter talk or because I was so tired and bored I stalked my own posts.

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But I use a blend of pine and wheat litter. It's fascinating.

Wild_Honey_66 said:

nooo, not the kitty litter! I give! I give!


I've not had any relationship of any kind for months, i am sorry to say.
not an easy thing for me, but I'm holding out for something really top-grade.

there may be a whisper of a possibility of something here... time will tell.

irl, I've been wanting to attend a local munch, but have yet to work up the nerve.
silly, I know.

keeping busy in the meantime by doing some reading, some post-stalking of people I admire, and a lot of thinking. a question that recently came up in conversation with a friend: what do you look for first, the relationship, or the kink?

Click to expand...

I'm not on the market and I didn't actively look for kink when I began seeing Mister. I was vaguely aware of my kink, but didn't fully understand until recently. If I were looking, I would definitely look for a relationship. I can live without the kink or self administer, but I could never find someone as awesome as him to have a great relationship with.

nastyaheyyo said:

It’s very hard to live with “ideal man”… Because he thinks that you’re happy and he doesn’t see that you’ve cooled of him… And you understand that these relations are the self-deception! It’s necessary to “run away” from such “love”! After the long loneliness I began to meet with man and later I understood that I attached to him. He loved me very much; I respected and valued him, but didn’t love. Then I met accidentally a perfect man in the site . At first we only communicated and then this “friendship” became “the love”! I was very happy and at the same time I hated myself. In the relations must be not only mode, habit and “good treatment of your partner” but and the passion and your eyes must burn from love!))) Now I live with my loved man and with my ex-boyfriend we’re friends. Make up your mind now! The life is one at you!)))And I can recommend marvellous dating site www.gofuckyourself.com Good luck everybody!)

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I don't think you can "accidentally" meet another man on a site dedicated to dating. It sounds more like you're a dirty cheater and an asshole. I don't think anything should "burn from love" that sounds horrible and maybe you should see a doctor about getting antibiotics for that.

Clearly you're a troll spamming my thread.

MeekMe said:

I don't think you can "accidentally" meet another man on a site dedicated to dating. It sounds more like you're a dirty cheater and an asshole. I don't think anything should "burn from love" that sounds horrible and maybe you should see a doctor about getting antibiotics for that.

Clearly you're a troll spamming my thread.

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Made me think of honeymoon urinary tract infections, that burn from love.
Reported it as spam earlier.