could you go vanilla?

Sometimes these romantic feelings of falling in love, desire, and/or lust have nothing to do with actual compatibility or relationship sustainability.

Could I fall in love with someone not really a good fit for me? Yes, absolutely. I have. Was it sustainable? No. How could it be?

I don't know, but I don't think so. I've never had a vanilla relationship. I don't think I could hold it together for very long without a strong sense of being controlled. I've managed without 'kinky sex' when ill for a long time, but it was the control that kept me grounded enough to survive.

Loverskitten said:

Ugh, yuck.
Congratulations on being born with a penis

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Best gift my dad ever gave me

Totally vanilla? No. Even for the "one"

Sex is a huge part of a marriage and you don;t have to be 100% compatible and share every kink, but there has to be give and take.

If you went truly vanilla eventually it would get to you. If the other party did not want to try some new things, this will cause resentment, bitterness, unhappiness and perhaps even lead to stepping out and the breaking of trust.

So totally is and should be off the table.

I did however fall for and marry a woman who had no bdsm experience and not open to everything.

I feel I've gone BDSM "light" she has gotten to enjoy being submissive, but I'm a switch and she is not into topping and will not even attempt to inflict any form of pain.

But she introduced me to role playing which is a blast and she "indulges" me enough to make it all work. So compromise is certainly worth it, but a complete "sell out" may cause issues.

Thanks for all the replies.
In my case it wouldn't be completely vanilla (it'd include latex, orgasm control and maybe a little bondage, just no pain, anal, breath control and all those other things I love. And even the light Dominance there might be, would be bedroom-only).
I just wonder how much it's actually possible to give up on sexually and still be overall satisfied - which is of course different from person to person, but it's always great to hear what other people think on the matter.

Vanilla does not mean sexually unadventurous, nor is is synonymous with boring sex. At least not in my mind.

I fell in love when I was 18 with my soul mate for life. Way back then I didn't even know what BDSM was. I was a consensual sex virgin. But I knew I was in love after the first date.

About 2 weeks into the relationship I thought it might be fun if he ate slightly firm Jello out of my pussy. He said he was sure, strawberry or lemon?

An open mind for FUN, whether it be kinky sex or vacations or where to live, or how to raise children or whose house to spend Christmas at is much much more important to me then a power exchange relationship or BDSM.

That connection, that emotion connection where I am his number one priority and he is mine, plus really and truly liking each other, being able to completely trust the other with secrets, and more important vulnerabilities ... that's love.

That kind of love I have learned in my life time is very very rare. I am very lucky, and very grateful that I have my husband as my husband for life.

So yeah, I love my chocolate sprinkles but they are nothing without my vanilla scoop.

what i want to know

What I want to know is how you show that much boob with out any nipple! Smiles. Your profile pick is incredible

malstroem said:

Well, I ask because of a guy who has 'getting Dominated' as more of a fetish than him being submissive. Thus me wondering if being with a guy who's neither sub or maso could work for me.
So the scared-of-kink issue is a non-issue

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DenverFunguy said:

What I want to know is how you show that much boob with out any nipple! Smiles. Your profile pick is incredible

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My tits are so not the point of this thread.

ecstaticsub said:

Vanilla does not mean sexually unadventurous, nor is is synonymous with boring sex. At least not in my mind.

I fell in love when I was 18 with my soul mate for life. Way back then I didn't even know what BDSM was. I was a consensual sex virgin. But I knew I was in love after the first date.

About 2 weeks into the relationship I thought it might be fun if he ate slightly firm Jello out of my pussy. He said he was sure, strawberry or lemon?

An open mind for FUN, whether it be kinky sex or vacations or where to live, or how to raise children or whose house to spend Christmas at is much much more important to me then a power exchange relationship or BDSM.

That connection, that emotion connection where I am his number one priority and he is mine, plus really and truly liking each other, being able to completely trust the other with secrets, and more important vulnerabilities ... that's love.

That kind of love I have learned in my life time is very very rare. I am very lucky, and very grateful that I have my husband as my husband for life.

So yeah, I love my chocolate sprinkles but they are nothing without my vanilla scoop.

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I like this post ^^^^^^^^^^
A relationship in real life probably won't be like the fantasy, no matter how hard you try. Compromise is the name of the game in most relationships and maybe that's really cool because it forces you out of your comfort zone. Even when you think you know what you want.

I go vanilla all the time except in my mind which allows me to climax. I call it maintenance sex and as much as it's not exactly what I want, I wouldn't want to do without it at this time.

A balance of happiness and satisfaction only comes through naked, vulnerable honesty, methinks.

Brave, both parties.

*scratches head*

Now what was that again about subbies being weak?

*snicker-snort*

ecstaticsub said:

Vanilla does not mean sexually unadventurous, nor is is synonymous with boring sex. At least not in my mind.

I fell in love when I was 18 with my soul mate for life. Way back then I didn't even know what BDSM was. I was a consensual sex virgin. But I knew I was in love after the first date.

About 2 weeks into the relationship I thought it might be fun if he ate slightly firm Jello out of my pussy. He said he was sure, strawberry or lemon?

An open mind for FUN, whether it be kinky sex or vacations or where to live, or how to raise children or whose house to spend Christmas at is much much more important to me then a power exchange relationship or BDSM.

That connection, that emotion connection where I am his number one priority and he is mine, plus really and truly liking each other, being able to completely trust the other with secrets, and more important vulnerabilities ... that's love.

That kind of love I have learned in my life time is very very rare. I am very lucky, and very grateful that I have my husband as my husband for life.

So yeah, I love my chocolate sprinkles but they are nothing without my vanilla scoop.

Click to expand...

Totally agree with the mischaracterization of vanilla.

I had a great sexually rewarding vanilla sexual relationship for a long while.
But not having the option and him being unable/willing to open the relationship? It wasn't going to happen and still could not, even though my drives are fairly quiet. I need to know that it's on the table.

I tried vanilla, very deliberately, after an intense BDSM relationship ended. I swore it all off and tried to return to 'normal.'

BAD, terrible, horrible, stupid idea! Married a 'nilla guy, settled in the 'burbs, had 2 kids, all the usual stuff. I even had myself convinced. Things got rocky for a number of normal reasons but we took it in stride, or so I believed. There was an undercurrent of 'I'm not happy' but it was just background noise.

I heard a song on the radio one day (Sarah McLachlan's "Possession") and I went to pieces, right there on the highway. I had to pull over, I was sobbing so hard. Everything, absolutely everything I'd been trying to suppress broke out, and I was a wreck. Not long after, I discovered that my husband had been looking online for "someone else." In peculiar ways, I think we both broke each other's trust. I'd lied to him by lying to myself. He had is own story, not mine to tell.

It took a while to resolve, but we ended the marriage. Meanwhile, my amazing Master found ME online. We've been together 13 years. We have lulls when Real Life interferes, but I think the BDSM is a significant part of what glues us together. We're working out of a pretty rough "lull" right now, but we know what we need and we're trying to adjust to some significant life changes.

I chuckle at times, thinking about stuff like going on the latest outrageous talk show. "I'm unhappy because my husband doesn't beat me enough." or "I feel neglected because he didn't notice when I failed to ask permission for something." The feminists would lock me up or stage an intervention. LOL

ecstaticsub said:

Vanilla does not mean sexually unadventurous, nor is is synonymous with boring sex. At least not in my mind.

I fell in love when I was 18 with my soul mate for life. Way back then I didn't even know what BDSM was. I was a consensual sex virgin. But I knew I was in love after the first date.

About 2 weeks into the relationship I thought it might be fun if he ate slightly firm Jello out of my pussy. He said he was sure, strawberry or lemon?

An open mind for FUN, whether it be kinky sex or vacations or where to live, or how to raise children or whose house to spend Christmas at is much much more important to me then a power exchange relationship or BDSM.

That connection, that emotion connection where I am his number one priority and he is mine, plus really and truly liking each other, being able to completely trust the other with secrets, and more important vulnerabilities ... that's love.

That kind of love I have learned in my life time is very very rare. I am very lucky, and very grateful that I have my husband as my husband for life.

So yeah, I love my chocolate sprinkles but they are nothing without my vanilla scoop.

Click to expand...

Netzach said:

Totally agree with the mischaracterization of vanilla.

I had a great sexually rewarding vanilla sexual relationship for a long while.
But not having the option and him being unable/willing to open the relationship? It wasn't going to happen and still could not, even though my drives are fairly quiet. I need to know that it's on the table.

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I agree with both of you.

Too much of anything gets old, be it vanilla sex, non-vanilla sex, or steak for dinner every night (perish the thought).

I was grumpy when I first posted to this thread, so I thought I'd try again when I was less grumpy.

The truth is, the kind of men and women that I'm really attracted to are nearly always open to some sort of experimentation. I don't find closed-mindedness sexy at all, and I find that if a person is open-minded in other ways, then he/she is probably not going to go "OMG, are you insane?!?!?!?!" when you suggest something out of the ordinary sexually.

Sure, there are things I like to do that I'm not just going to randomly spring on someone. Hell, I wouldn't even do that if I met the person on a BDSM site. But if I said, "Hey, let's have some really rough sex, fight it out, and winner take all," then I can pretty much be assured that if I have gotten to that point, the other person will agree. I wouldn't be attracted to the type of person who'd tell me no to start with.

Hell, even a submissive will agree to that kind of thing if you frame it the right way. *Shrug*

I've gone far past the point of BDSM purism. I don't really give a shit if someone's doing something just to please me or because they truly want to, as long as that person's not uncomfortable with it. I've done plenty of things that didn't float my boat personally, but I was willing to do them because someone else wanted me to, and I figure turnabout is fair play.

This is why I iz ex-submissive. And I iz ok with that.