How to find someone that fits my needs without being trapped?

Hello,

I am a 44 year old male and have been with two women in my life. The second one I married and even though she cheated on me and we stopped having a sexual relationship 10 years ago I never left her, or cheated on her with anyone.

She became sick in 2010 and bed bound in 2011 and I took care of her 24/7 (while working when she was healthy enough for me to be gone more then 15 minutes).

It was never worth it to me to leave her and hurt her (Even before she became sick) just so I could be happy.

She passed away a few months ago, and now I am re-evaluating my life. Last thing you would think I would want is to get in another relationship, but I didn't really have one (I did everything, and just took care of her, so it was not really a marriage, but just me taking care of her).

I really always wanted to have a real relationship and kids etc, but by the time I was 40 I figured it was too late and would never happen.

Now I have that option, but I'm scared to get trapped in another relationship as well. Also I have been self pleasuring for years and I realize I would like a more dominant woman, and one that would actually pursue me, more then being pursued by me (which is how I got involved with my wife).

So now I'm just all kinds of confused and frustrated as I don't know what to do. I am not interested in guys, which might actually have some people who would pursue me and more likely be more dominant, but at the same time I'm not comfortable hitting on women etc.

I feel like if I am going to meet anyone it has to be soon as I am getting very old. I don't think kids are really an option anymore unless she already has them (Which would be great).

So any advice on how I even start trying to find someone would be appreciated. I don't have any hope it's going to happen naturally.

Thanks

I don't have much concrete advice, but I just wanted to say: 40-something may be a bit late to get kids, but it's definitely not too late to find love, not by a longshot! Don't worry about that!

hylas_ said:

I don't have much concrete advice, but I just wanted to say: 40-something may be a bit late to get kids, but it's definitely not too late to find love, not by a longshot! Don't worry about that!

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Thanks, I have seen that (have a friend over 60 who found love recently!! So that is encouraging.

Hard part for me is just that I fit more in a woman's role as far as courtship, and alot of other things as well. I always did all the cooking/cleaning etc, and am always concerned about my partner more then myself.

But traditional dating (at least from what I have seen/heard), involves the man pursuing the woman, not the other way around.

I don't find guys attractive, but someone finding me attractive is actually more important to me then that, even so, I'm not really interested in a relationship with a guy. What I really want is a girl that thinks like a guy, but still finds guys attractive lol.

44 is not old and you can't rush love just because you're in a hurry to find someone. Plus, there's nothing wrong with men who cook, clean, and are the caretakers. Don't undervalue yourself. There are plenty of women who would appreciate those qualities in a man. As for finding one...maybe join a recreational group in your area where you could meet new people, or fill out a profile on some of the dating sites indicating women who are interested should respond (if you want to be the one pursued). My town has a singles group (not a dating club) where you can sign up for various activities or short trips just to hang out and meet other single people to do stuff with. If you're looking for real love and worried about getting hurt, I would advise you to get out and meet some women friends and see where it leads, let things develop naturally...

I read this comment on another thread recently, it is very true and worth repeating here: You need to realize that you are some woman's fantasy dream come true. The trick is connecting with her. I encourage you to not be shy about your submissive personality, but make it clear right from the get-go.

How to do it? The advice given by Iamsubmissive above is great. You just have to do it...make yourself For fun and zero cost you could run an ad on Craigslist for Men Seeking Woman and in it be clear about your own desires and see what comes back. She's out there, I would bet on. I sincerely wish you the very best, you deserve love and happiness...and I hope you find it very soon!

First thing.
You are not to old to have kids!

You may not have them in the relationship you want but the important thing is to have them... I wish I did.

I'm Sixty and basically starting over.

Trust me it is easier at forty four! Any woman even ten years younger than me is almost sure to have problems with several things, there is still a very good chance for you to find a great woman that is not fucked up in some way...

I would suggest some counseling an/or some serious research on grief and starting over after losing a loved one.

I will tell you the same thing an old man told me thirty something years ago.

"Son remember that few people get the chance to really start over."

DO IT!

a - 44 isn't too old to have kids - even for a woman, and our time is limited. I'm 48 and I think I'm just past that point (and don't want more kids anyway). You, however, have a good 50 years of fertility left.

b - There are women out there who do the pursuing; I am one. I have a very hard time being patient, and my confidence is in that weird place where I am sure I am not feminine or attractive enough to be pursued (although I have, so I recognize this as illogical), but confident enough to be willing to wade through nos to get to yes. (Just got shot down yesterday, as a matter of fact...) So maybe look around on Lit for a bit; I imagine there's a disproportionate number of sexual and aggressive women here

c - I don't know you, obviously, and I know things went south slowly and over a long time, but try, try, try to be patient and let yourself adjust. Your life is different than you thought it would be at this point, and the possibilities are wide open. Take a year to catch your breath before looking for a relationship.

d - Your concern over feeling trapped appears to me to be an indication that a year might be far too little. You don't need to have a relationship to have sex. You're in Olympia (it appears) - go to Evergreen or somewhere to find a professor willing to just fuck. You need a friend with benefits! Take your time.

Iamsubmissive said:

44 is not old and you can't rush love just because you're in a hurry to find someone. Plus, there's nothing wrong with men who cook, clean, and are the caretakers. Don't undervalue yourself. There are plenty of women who would appreciate those qualities in a man. As for finding one...maybe join a recreational group in your area where you could meet new people, or fill out a profile on some of the dating sites indicating women who are interested should respond (if you want to be the one pursued). My town has a singles group (not a dating club) where you can sign up for various activities or short trips just to hang out and meet other single people to do stuff with. If you're looking for real love and worried about getting hurt, I would advise you to get out and meet some women friends and see where it leads, let things develop naturally...

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Thanks, I am going to try. I do feel like I can't wait too much, as so much time has passed and I feel like it's too late already (I realize it really isn't, but that is not how it feels!!).

I have been using meetup.com to socialize (going to a movie tomorrow night for instance with a group), and that may be one way to meet someone.

My main problem is that I realize I'm submissive and can't really pursue anyone, but the one time I was pursued, I didn't end up getting a relationship out of it, but instead became a caretaker. So I'm pretty scared of that happening again, but at the same time I really want a real relationship.

It's all very confusing and scary, but I am trying and looking at least. Thank you for the reply/advice

yukonnights said:

I read this comment on another thread recently, it is very true and worth repeating here: You need to realize that you are some woman's fantasy dream come true. The trick is connecting with her. I encourage you to not be shy about your submissive personality, but make it clear right from the get-go.

How to do it? The advice given by Iamsubmissive above is great. You just have to do it...make yourself For fun and zero cost you could run an ad on Craigslist for Men Seeking Woman and in it be clear about your own desires and see what comes back. She's out there, I would bet on. I sincerely wish you the very best, you deserve love and happiness...and I hope you find it very soon!

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I do know for sure that I would be perfect for someone, it's just finding them, and even letting them know that. That is the part that seems impossible. I am not a small guy, but I am very polite and non-threatening, still I am 6 foot, 260 and I don't think many women are going to think I would be submissive or need them to make any moves etc. I don't have any skills at flirting, and have not really dated, and before I met my wife, I was waiting for the one...someone that would want me, and that I could make happy etc.

Now I have seen how that can end, and I know I need to find someone that really cares about me, and will fulfill me needs as well as having needs I can satisfy.

It's easy to say though, but I can easily fall into the habit of just taking care of everyone else and not caring for myself at all. I have a new roomate and I'm struggling to keep some bounderies even there.

Thank you so much for your advice and well wishes, this is a very friendly/nice site

FGB said:

First thing.
You are not to old to have kids!

You may not have them in the relationship you want but the important thing is to have them... I wish I did.

I'm Sixty and basically starting over.

Trust me it is easier at forty four! Any woman even ten years younger than me is almost sure to have problems with several things, there is still a very good chance for you to find a great woman that is not fucked up in some way...

I would suggest some counseling an/or some serious research on grief and starting over after losing a loved one.

I will tell you the same thing an old man told me thirty something years ago.

"Son remember that few people get the chance to really start over."

DO IT!

Click to expand...

Thanks

My whole life for the past 18 years has centered around taking care of my wife, and I did see a grief counsilor for 3 weeks after she passed. I had to come to grips that I actually had to have my own goals now, but also that all that effort, time, suffering etc did not end up letting her actually recover (We had been working towards that goal since 2011). It was very hard to take/handle.

I have moved forward, have a new job, a roomate, and am trying to date.That is why I am here though, I realize I am pretty much unable to hurt anyone and break up with them (especially if they are dependant on me like my wife was right from the start). I couldn't leave her, even after she cheated on me multiple times, because it would have ruined her life and nothing was worth doing that to another person to me.

The smart thing would be to never put myself in that position again, but I really WANT to have someone to care for, but that also cares for me. I want a partner to experience life with, someone to cuddle with, enjoy shows and doing things with etc. I want to have a real relationship.

But I'm scared I'll end up back in one where I lose myself and just live for another person. It's easy to see that now of course, but it was not easy to see while I was actually doing it.

Even forwarned I'm afraid it could happen again. Also, it was a fluke that I even met my wife, and that she came on to me in a way I actually realized (I was so clueless about flirting), and didn't mind being the aggressive one at all.

Ack, sorry for going on so long. I do appreciate your advice/thoughts.I don't feel comfortable having kids though if they won't graduate from HS till I'm over 60. My brother died 2 years ago from heart failure, my mother by mid 50's from the same thing and her mother as well, and I have very high blood pressure (it's controlled now with pills at least).

I don't think it's fair to have kids if I probably won't be there at least till they are adults.

RedSilk69 said:

a - 44 isn't too old to have kids - even for a woman, and our time is limited. I'm 48 and I think I'm just past that point (and don't want more kids anyway). You, however, have a good 50 years of fertility left.

b - There are women out there who do the pursuing; I am one. I have a very hard time being patient, and my confidence is in that weird place where I am sure I am not feminine or attractive enough to be pursued (although I have, so I recognize this as illogical), but confident enough to be willing to wade through nos to get to yes. (Just got shot down yesterday, as a matter of fact...) So maybe look around on Lit for a bit; I imagine there's a disproportionate number of sexual and aggressive women here

c - I don't know you, obviously, and I know things went south slowly and over a long time, but try, try, try to be patient and let yourself adjust. Your life is different than you thought it would be at this point, and the possibilities are wide open. Take a year to catch your breath before looking for a relationship.

d - Your concern over feeling trapped appears to me to be an indication that a year might be far too little. You don't need to have a relationship to have sex. You're in Olympia (it appears) - go to Evergreen or somewhere to find a professor willing to just fuck. You need a friend with benefits! Take your time.

Click to expand...

What you say is very logical, and taking time makes a ton of sense, but I feel like I have missed out on so much, and it kills me. I do find women attractive and am a sexual person who would have loved to have a life long sexual partner, but I have not been with anyone in so long. Sex though isn't the biggest thing (although that is something I really would like to explore with someone who finds me attractive and wants to as well), but intimacy, body contact, snuggling, just having someone to hold and love, I want that so badly. I always did, but I kinda feel like that guy that fell asleep at the fountain for 20 years or something (Forget the fable). I went to sleep at 26 and woke up 18 years later.

So much time is lost, but I don't think you can rush any relationship, let alone one like what I need to find. I will try to just take it slow, get to know people/make friends and then hopefully find the right person over time. It's the smart thing to do, but it feels like I have waited forever already.

Thank you for your advice Wish you lived near me so you could pursue me hehe.

Subwolf44 said:

What you say is very logical, and taking time makes a ton of sense, but I feel like I have missed out on so much, and it kills me. I do find women attractive and am a sexual person who would have loved to have a life long sexual partner, but I have not been with anyone in so long. Sex though isn't the biggest thing (although that is something I really would like to explore with someone who finds me attractive and wants to as well), but intimacy, body contact, snuggling, just having someone to hold and love, I want that so badly. I always did, but I kinda feel like that guy that fell asleep at the fountain for 20 years or something (Forget the fable). I went to sleep at 26 and woke up 18 years later.

So much time is lost, but I don't think you can rush any relationship, let alone one like what I need to find. I will try to just take it slow, get to know people/make friends and then hopefully find the right person over time. It's the smart thing to do, but it feels like I have waited forever already.

Thank you for your advice Wish you lived near me so you could pursue me hehe.

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Ah, it'd never work out - I don't want any more kids, so it'd just be casual sex, and who wants that? (Strains to see through sea of raised hands)

What you say here really feels familiar: "taking time makes a ton of sense, but I feel like I have missed out on so much, and it kills me."

I think we are in very similar positions, although I am a bit further down the road from you - and it's not at all an uncommon position. My nearly-twenty year marriage ended two years ago. Basically, I married him because he was OK but the wrong person, resented him for it, and thought that was natural. Oops Just in this past year my parents' marriage has blown apart, making clear to me my own baggage that I brought to my marriage - I had grown up with silent anger defining their marriage, and thought it was a sign all was well. My own action was nearly inevitable, given my lack of awareness.

When I finally started dating about six months post-divorce, I was voracious. I could only focus on the lack of sex of the past 20 years. That finally calmed down; now, I feel sure that love will re-enter my life, and am trying to not feel too impatient, like time is ticking away. *Trying.*

It's hard; I find myself focusing on the fact that at 48 I likely have less years in front of me than behind me, and I get very impatient. Then I get worried that I'll bring in all my personal crap. Then I get reassured that, although I might, at least I'll see it, and stop it.

tl;dr version: Welcome to a midlife crisis. You'll get through this. It may help to try therapy/more therapy, and figure yourself out; a therapist can help you speed up your process and growth. In the meantime, thank god you have a right hand

hylas_ said:

I don't have much concrete advice, but I just wanted to say: 40-something may be a bit late to get kids, but it's definitely not too late to find love, not by a longshot! Don't worry about that!

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My dad got his latest kid at 49 (he has another family now). And he's going okay.
For a man, it's really a matter of being able to support your family financially and emotionally, which a lot of people can do well into their 70-ties and 80-ties. For a woman all sorts of health problems and possible complications should be considered before getting pregnant, but for a guy it's just a matter of being able to have sex and have a potent sperm.

I say go for a relationship, it's really a rare case - the one that you had - and it's unlikely that your next wife will be the same.

As for getting a dominant - the advice is always the same. Forums, clubs, fetish munches - even dating sites work.

I don't know how it is in your parts, but where I live I saw plenty of profiles on the dating sites where young girls are looking for a man who is much older than them (like, 10-15 years older). For some reason, some women like older guys. And that means that getting someone of your age is even simpler, So there's definitely no problem there.

Subwolf44 said:

I don't feel comfortable having kids though if they won't graduate from HS till I'm over 60. My brother died 2 years ago from heart failure, my mother by mid 50's from the same thing and her mother as well, and I have very high blood pressure (it's controlled now with pills at least).

I don't think it's fair to have kids if I probably won't be there at least till they are adults.

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I missed this, but I want to address it: you *never* know how long you'll live. I know of many people who, by their family history, should be long dead. You could live into your 90s or longer. If you want kids, you should have kids!

And there are so many ways to have kids - biological, yes, but many partnerless people choose to adopt. Some fall in love with a person who already has kids. Some volunteer with a kid-centric organization.

If you have the love to offer, and the willingness to dedicate the time and resources and all that comes with having kids, don't write kids out of your life. If that's really what you want, they're worth it.

I was actually aware that biologically speaking, men can have children much longer... but because of my personal bias against relationships with large age differences I kind of assumed that his next relationship will be with a woman his own age. Which is of course stupid. Sorry, my bad!

(And yes, women in their 40es are still fertile, but there is more risk involved, health wise.)

You want children but don't want to feel trapped in a relationship?

Thanks again.

Thanks again everyone for the replies/advice. This is such a nice forum.

I have abandonment issues that makes me overly concerned about being there for any children I might have. Before I got married I saved up money so I could support a family as that was my goal. I always believed in just finding one person and living my life together with them, and doing whatever I could to make them happy. I was delisional and believed by loving someone I could make anything work and create a good life for us, and our children.

Things did not work out that way, or even close.

I know it's possible for me to have kids, but I would far rather meet someone who already has them, at this point and just be a positive addition to their lives. Again, finding someone that would fit in with what I am looking for AND has kids would be even more complicated though!!

I went into my marriage thinking I could just do everything I could to make someone happy and that person would reciprocate and use what I did to better themselves and enjoy life. Instead I ended up with someone who became totally dependant on me, and whose life would be ruined if I ever left. That was something I would never do to another person.

So yeah, I'm scared of being trapped in something like that again. At the same time I really do want to have a real relationship with someone, a partner, not someone I am just a caregiver to. I am a sexual being who is playful and cares about my partners pleasure at least as much as my own, but other then for the first few years of my marriage that has not been used or part of my life.

I may live more then 10 years, and I'm certainly not planning for that, but I also would not feel comfortable at this point in my life bringing children into the world unless it was with someone I knew would be able to support them and give them a good life even without me. The medical bills etc have killed my savings, and I am not sure what happens to my wife's student loans (I believe death is one way to have them forgiven but I'm not sure what happens if there is a spouse. I have not looked into it yet). I don't have much to offer children right now. That may change in a few years, but of course by then I'll be even older!!

So yeah, it's all a bit overwhelming. I have the freedom to actually find someone, but honestly have never been able to pursue someone (other then my first time where I was so curious I just forced myself to go up to someone in a resteraunt...and she actually said yes). That was the only person I slept with before meeting my wife though.

Now I'm 44 and almost everyone I would possibly be interacting with has had a whole life of relationships etc. I wish I liked men as I think there are men that would probably hit on me and be willing to lead the way in a relationship (And be in control of their lives and not need me to take care of them and do everything etc).

I am sure there are women out there like that as well, but honestly have no clue how to meet them, or let them know i'm interested etc. I have no experience at all with the dating scene.

Anyway, don't mean to go on about it, I do appreciate all your support/advice. I think I just need to be more open and communicate how I feel and take chances with people I meet. I am socializing alot more, so that will certainly help.

I need to be more careful/cautious this time and at least I realize I have some limitations (I can't get out of a relationship once it's started easily). I need to try some form of casual relationship somehow...but it's just not natural to me. I make friends with everyone I meet/work with etc, and I care about them right away. Makes it hard to have any kind of casual relationship at all.

Primalex said:

You want children but don't want to feel trapped in a relationship?

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I WANT children, I just don't think it would be responsible for me to have them, and I do not want them with someone who I do not think would be good for them etc. My wife was totally fine with having children, but I would not consider it because it would not have been safe for them.

She was diabetic right from the start and had outbursts often until she started taking paxil after a bit over a year (Which helped but didn't solve the problem all the way). There was no way I was going to bring children into that.

Some of this has already been said.. But here's my thoughts:

It sounds to me like you don't really truly know what you want. There's no surprise there, with what you've been through.
But you need to find out what it is you want, at least en general terms, before you can find it.
Do you want a casual sex partner? A friend with benefits? A relationship? And remember that not all relationships are like what you've had.
You also seem to be in a rush (this has been mentioned before). Again, understandable. But you need to be careful.
I don't know the degree of your grief over your wife, but grief is a strange creature. It can affect you for years, and make you do incredibly stupid things. 3 weeks of grief counseling is just not enough.
Try to listen to your feelings every step of the way. Stop up and really think! "is this something I want?"

As for the whole meeting someone thing: I'd suggest seeing if there are any workshops or clubs in your area, that has to do with a hobby of yours. That way you can meet people in a relaxed atmosphere that isn't all about dating and sex, which would maybe take some of the pressure of.

I would assume that even submissive people can approach someone for a date? You cant just sit there and wait for her to read your mind.
There's nothing wrong with going up to someone and saying "Hi. You seem really nice. Would you like to go out for coffee?". That's by no stretch an aggressive approach
Or am I completely off base here?

Part of getting to know someone new is an exchange of information about past experiences. I don't mean tell her every tiny detail, but in broad strokes tell her why your last relationship wasn't satisfying for you. If she seems to understand that, it's good, and you can continue to explore, no?

My last thoughts, and I apologize in advance for being a tad harsh, but:
You need to grow a spine.

I can't get out of a relationship once it's started easily

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I am pretty much unable to hurt anyone and break up with them

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It's tough for most people to have to tell someone that you don't want to be with them anymore. It's not just you. Suck it up and do it!
You can't spend every relationship waiting for them to die before starting a new one.
Most people are fairly perceptive - we know when someone isn't happy with us. You don't think that hurts your partner? That something is bothering you but you're not talking about it?
And think of the time both of you are wasting, when the relationship suffers like that! It hurts more, and is more difficult to get over, the longer you draw it out before getting it done.

If you're not willing to give a relationship a chance, for fear of being trapped in it - you're never going to get what you need

I was wondering the same thing. I think it's being trapped with something about yourself.

To the OP;

Your first post was basically two months ago. That is not enough time for your emotions and perspective to stop reeling from your wife's passing.

I'm about to give you a piece of advise you wont want to hear. Our elders were much wiser than you know, when they expected a years worth of mourning for a widowed person. That's not for show, or adherence to some strange religious practice. It's totally for you.

It's because thousands of years of examples have proven them right.

All the traumatic events that proceed an individual's passing, get swallowed up by the survivor and shelved because there is not the time to sort them out. You will deal with them, want to or not, after your loved one has passed.

The trend today; after any traumatic event, is to suck it up, put on a bright face and three weeks later be 'out there' to show that you have the capability of fast recovery. However.

There is a little knot of foul blackness inside you that will only grow, if you don't let time diminish it's effects on your heart and soul. Give yourself permission to just 'be." Introspection is good, wallowing in self pity is not.

If you aren't clear to yourself; who you are, what you want, how you need to gather up your life experiences and made a solid base to stand on, how can you confidently ask another person into your life, and not fuck them up with indecision and insecurity.

Take a look at your self. If you were someone else, would you want you for an acquaintance, friend, lover, spouse? If not, then do something about it. If yes, your home free.

I am almost two years into this journey myself. It's not easy, but worthwhile, if you want to come out of the tunnel into the sunshine.

Impatience will only set you further behind. Be wise with the talents you have been given.