Sexless marriage ... just can't take it anymore!

reverse

Please do not judge me. I am 35, healthy, attractive and in a sexless marriage. My husband and I have not been intimate in over 3 years.

He has zero desire - you may speculate all you want but no I do not think he is gay, no he will not go to marriage counseling. I have gone on my own but it is hard to fix a marriage from one side. We otherwise get along, and yes there is a child which makes leaving very hard - especially since we otherwise function very well as a family!

That said, should I be complacent with with a life of celibacy? We are friends, get along but it is platonic? Maybe, maybe there is nothing really wrong with that?

I have has affairs - both long term and short and was left feeling empty, more alone than before.

Truly I want to LOVE(!!!) - hard, unabashedly, passionately, devotedly, endlessly. And I want to be so loved in return.

But maybe that isn't what marriage is about? Maybe what I have is as close to good as it gets?

Sorry for my late night and tipsy ramble ... I have had a few glasses of Pinot Grigio and I am waxing philosophic.

:)

well reverse it im a man in same type of situation .. would love to have a pm from you if you like , hope it goes well for you....
 
Empathizing

As a man within a currently sexless marriage my heart (and more) aches for you. Email me at selectswan@hotmail.com if you'd like to share a glass of Pinot and commiserate - virtually at first, maybe in person later if it feels like a good fit.:rose:
 
Please do not judge me. I am 35, healthy, attractive and in a sexless marriage. My husband and I have not been intimate in over 3 years.

He has zero desire - you may speculate all you want but no I do not think he is gay, no he will not go to marriage counseling. I have gone on my own but it is hard to fix a marriage from one side. We otherwise get along, and yes there is a child which makes leaving very hard - especially since we otherwise function very well as a family!

That said, should I be complacent with with a life of celibacy? We are friends, get along but it is platonic? Maybe, maybe there is nothing really wrong with that?

I have has affairs - both long term and short and was left feeling empty, more alone than before.

Truly I want to LOVE(!!!) - hard, unabashedly, passionately, devotedly, endlessly. And I want to be so loved in return.

But maybe that isn't what marriage is about? Maybe what I have is as close to good as it gets?

Sorry for my late night and tipsy ramble ... I have had a few glasses of Pinot Grigio and I am waxing philosophic.

:)


As the rest of the posters on this thread, I'm sorry about it. I'm in a similar situation, on the other side of the road. I like to believe there's a reason for everything, and even when I know this is not as good as it gets, I do appreciate what I do have.

I don't feel there's many things left for me to do, to try. I never had an affair, though... probably because there was never a chance.

Sometimes the frustration is enormous. But that's the way things are, and there are many things I have on my marriage that many people would love to have, so.. I chose to be happy, despite what it's missing in my life, because there are many others that complete me.
 
I feel your Pain it has been three years for me.

I have never had an anxiety attack until after I was married. Every night...shave close, make sure I showered, tried to say the right things...made my move...rejected. Anxiety attacks began. Came out later that she was just not into sex.

Could have fooled me, because when we were dating, she was all over me and never got enough.
 
I don't know whether to feel comforted or saddened to read this thread

Hello, I'm very new to this, so please forgive me if i have broken and rule inadvertantly but I've read most of this thread and completely sympathise , As I'm a man in a sexless marriage , Before marriage she was all over me , because we were attending church at the time we avoided sex (most of the time!)

When we got married finally I thought we could just get on and enjoy this natural pleasure but she had completely switched off, for years I wondered what had happened , sure it was not all one sided, miscommunication , misunderstanding compounded things , we had hoped that with marital therapy it would all work out but over 20 yrs later and 4 beautiful clever children later it hasn't , and we struggle on

I'm into oral giving and getting! but sex happens once a month to once a week and is an emotionally disconnected affair she allows the missionary position every so often i suppose just so I don't get too pent up.

My sex drive is probably twice and upto 3 times a day hers is nothing
Why do i stay? because she is a good and caring mother and the children clearly wants us too
It is painful
May be when the last leaves home it may be time to reconsider
It has also been difficult with my previously held strong views on the sanctity of marriage
I'm not so sure now
I don't attend church
And would regard myself as spiritual rather than churchy which I now regard as mainly for the immature
I can't stand going into a church where they make you feel guilty
I love talking to people about spiritual intimacy and I think sex is just a natural part if this
My other issue is I am in a very high powered job earning pots of money and surrounded by very willing women who I know would love to give me head everyday as much as I would love make them come on the end of my tongue and spend ages thrusting deep in side of them
I can make anyof them laugh but I seem to have lost the ability to make my wife laugh who has now developed serious depression
What do Ido? I have agonised over whether staying in an unhappy marriage is better than leaving and starting a fresh ...
 
Thanks Officegurl!
As a wife in a sexless marriage believe me I have shouldered the "blame" for this problem long enough! Men need to step up too and think about what will keep their wives from jumping into the bed of another. Marriage "could" be fun and "exciting" but it takes two people who are willing to put in the work to keep it. Cheating is not a longer term solution but geshhhh who wants to walk through life without any spark of sexuality?

Well said, but sometimes you just got to take that shit! You can't wait around for him to start things up, now I don't know if that's your particular problem but for those who do have a somewhat "wilted" husband, you just got to show him "the pussy is boss!" (to quote my grams)
 
I know I'm just repeating the same story that many of us have but it always feels good just to talk about it. My wife was never a sexual dynamo even when we first got married. For the past 3 years though our sex life has dwindled to twice last year, both times were far from satisfying. Besides the sex I couldn't ask for a better companion or mother for my children. I've never thought about having an affair but I have considered getting a divorce but I wonder if sex is a worthy reason to break up my kids home.
 
Hello, I'm very new to this, so please forgive me if i have broken and rule inadvertantly but I've read most of this thread and completely sympathise , As I'm a man in a sexless marriage , Before marriage she was all over me , because we were attending church at the time we avoided sex (most of the time!)

When we got married finally I thought we could just get on and enjoy this natural pleasure but she had completely switched off, for years I wondered what had happened , sure it was not all one sided, miscommunication , misunderstanding compounded things , we had hoped that with marital therapy it would all work out but over 20 yrs later and 4 beautiful clever children later it hasn't , and we struggle on

I'm into oral giving and getting! but sex happens once a month to once a week and is an emotionally disconnected affair she allows the missionary position every so often i suppose just so I don't get too pent up.

My sex drive is probably twice and upto 3 times a day hers is nothing
Why do i stay? because she is a good and caring mother and the children clearly wants us too
It is painful
May be when the last leaves home it may be time to reconsider
It has also been difficult with my previously held strong views on the sanctity of marriage
I'm not so sure now
I don't attend church
And would regard myself as spiritual rather than churchy which I now regard as mainly for the immature
I can't stand going into a church where they make you feel guilty
I love talking to people about spiritual intimacy and I think sex is just a natural part if this
My other issue is I am in a very high powered job earning pots of money and surrounded by very willing women who I know would love to give me head everyday as much as I would love make them come on the end of my tongue and spend ages thrusting deep in side of them
I can make anyof them laugh but I seem to have lost the ability to make my wife laugh who has now developed serious depression
What do Ido? I have agonised over whether staying in an unhappy marriage is better than leaving and starting a fresh ...

without being an ass about it and more through strong confident actions than words, make sure your wife understands that you in fact have options. Let her feel that you'd rather have a fun, flirty healthy sex life with her.

For reasons that seem pervers to me but rooted in all kinds of evolutionary biology probably, it is all too common for women to simply not feel attraction to the cock in the nest so to speak...this isnt indicative of her likelihood of straying but you are won, and therefore emasculated...
so don't! be emasculated.

Maintain the moral high ground.

do not cheat, but leave open the possibility. Be a little vague about your wherebouts.

stay out with the boys a bit later than you should some night..might be good to have an actual verifiable alibi...but I wouldn't defend yourself very hard. maybe try this when some girlfriend of hers is in the group so AFTER shes pondered it a bit she finds out (or checks) that you in fact werent up to no good.

women always say that men like women that are hard to get...as you know this is bullshit...we like available women, period. They are projecting when they say this..THEY like hard to get man....a man in their bed is not hard to get. all they have to say is yes please, and the please is optional and they know it. its not stimulating to them.
 
Please do not judge me. I am 35, healthy, attractive and in a sexless marriage. My husband and I have not been intimate in over 3 years.

He has zero desire - you may speculate all you want but no I do not think he is gay, no he will not go to marriage counseling. I have gone on my own but it is hard to fix a marriage from one side. We otherwise get along, and yes there is a child which makes leaving very hard - especially since we otherwise function very well as a family!

That said, should I be complacent with with a life of celibacy? We are friends, get along but it is platonic? Maybe, maybe there is nothing really wrong with that?

I have has affairs - both long term and short and was left feeling empty, more alone than before.

Truly I want to LOVE(!!!) - hard, unabashedly, passionately, devotedly, endlessly. And I want to be so loved in return.

But maybe that isn't what marriage is about? Maybe what I have is as close to good as it gets?

Sorry for my late night and tipsy ramble ... I have had a few glasses of Pinot Grigio and I am waxing philosophic.

:)

While it hasn't been years for my husband and I, I'm in a very similar boat. We function well in all other aspects, but the sex part just doesn't happen for us. In my case, it's a matter of there just not being that chemistry between us, so I don't put in the effort for the sex I know will only end in frustration for me.

I don't think anyone can just live with the celibacy. I, too, have had men on the side, and I get what you say about feeling empty. I look around and wonder what it must be like for my friends who seem to physically in tune with their spouses. But, like you said, with a child or children involved, it gets tough to leave.

I wish I had an answer for you, but I wanted you to know that you are by no means alone with this dilemma!
 
Yup, I get it.

Yup, I get it.

As someone who started a well attended Literotica thread on sexless marriage, I couldn't resist but chime in here as well (you can see my own story as well of course).

My situation is different in that I have actually been through this bullshit before. So I learned. When I met my wife, I was very clear on my needs.....my sex drive has been through the roof my whole life, and I am a kinky man. I don't apologize for who I am, and her and I were like dynamite for a year or two. However, marriage destroyed her libido.

I have tried everything...I am a strong, dominant man, with a sense of fun, kink, humour, and I have an excellent career to top it off. My wifes friend insessantly flirt with me, and don't hesitate to tell her they are "jealous" (oh he cooks, cleans, makes good money, is a great dad, AND loves sex??? Sign me up!). However, she is basically "done". Stick a fork in her.

We have done everything...counselling, drugs, therapy, I mean....we have done it all. I have posted on probably 30 different boards (this is just one), and its like this is a SUCH a common situation, its more like a plague.

For me, the bitter pill was my honesty. I was COMPLETELY up front with my partner about my needs, and she agreed whole-heartedly. She even shared in my kinky ways (which is a bare minimum), but it all stopped. Its like some people just.....run out of "steam"?

I am not looking to gripe. I am looking for a lover. PM anytime...Western Canada. Fit, attractive, funny, easy to understand.

Thanks all.
 
at : query

Re: Query said.... (PS, seems like you and I share a brain)

"""""
Without being an ass about it and more through strong confident actions than words, make sure your wife understands that you in fact have options. Let her feel that you'd rather have a fun, flirty healthy sex life with her.
""""""
My Answer: This is good advice: provided that the gent in question is a relationship newbie. For us "vets", this is relationship 101 stuff. And trust me, brother, I have tried this crap in SPADES. As an open communicator, as well as a good game-player (from my single days), I know this tactic well. Guess what? Sometimes this does.....squat. I have spoken to dozens of men who are well aware of this tactic, and for a lot of them its working, and for others...their women are just totally switched off.

"""""
For reasons that seem pervers to me but rooted in all kinds of evolutionary biology probably, it is all too common for women to simply not feel attraction to the cock in the nest so to speak
"""""""
My Answer: Agreed. And its abusive to my mind, not to mention its essentially like living a lie. Other women, however, find themselves perfectly horny and happy all their lives (I know some of these), with their cock in the nest. Human sexual variation is so massive...it really is a jungle out there.

""""""
...this isnt indicative of her likelihood of straying but you are won, and therefore emasculated...
so don't! be emasculated.

Maintain the moral high ground.

do not cheat, but leave open the possibility. Be a little vague about your wherebouts.
""""""""
My Answer: Again, I understand that you are giving gennnnerally good advice here, but it often just does not work. I am a travelling business guy with a high profile position, but with enough home time to keep it spicy (in theory). My wife knows I am desirable, and couldn't give a rats ass. Yes, she loves me, and views me as a "catch", but no amount of prodding, ignoring, or counselling will change a thing. Will this gentleman have better luck? Hopefully......

"""""""""
women always say that men like women that are hard to get...as you know this is bullshit...we like available women, period. They are projecting when they say this..THEY like hard to get man....a man in their bed is not hard to get. all they have to say is yes please, and the please is optional and they know it. its not stimulating to them.
"""""""""""
My Answer: This is gennnnnerally true, to my experience, but by no means a yard-stick by which to judge the genders. I have met women who have no problem keeping up to me sexually....we were just imcompatible in other ways. Of course, everything you have outlined here basically sums up why Marriage is a losing proposition for men in general, and women have far more to gain than men.

As a result, I have noticed MANY men in my circle stay single...forever. Oh, they are having sex with women half their age and loving it. Most of them seem to feel "sorry" for us married men.

Now we know why right? My advice to WOMEN: When you get a catch, don't treat him like a dirt-bag ,or an expendable ATM. And of course, the reverse is true...obviously.
 
Please do not judge me. I am 35, healthy, attractive and in a sexless marriage. My husband and I have not been intimate in over 3 years.

He has zero desire - you may speculate all you want but no I do not think he is gay, no he will not go to marriage counseling. I have gone on my own but it is hard to fix a marriage from one side. We otherwise get along, and yes there is a child which makes leaving very hard - especially since we otherwise function very well as a family!

That said, should I be complacent with with a life of celibacy? We are friends, get along but it is platonic? Maybe, maybe there is nothing really wrong with that?

I have has affairs - both long term and short and was left feeling empty, more alone than before.

Truly I want to LOVE(!!!) - hard, unabashedly, passionately, devotedly, endlessly. And I want to be so loved in return.

But maybe that isn't what marriage is about? Maybe what I have is as close to good as it gets?

Sorry for my late night and tipsy ramble ... I have had a few glasses of Pinot Grigio and I am waxing philosophic.

:)

Normally I do not reply ro thread but I can tell you as an older straight male (Never married & No kids). I can tell you that this is a common problem. I have at least 5 of my close women friends tell me the very same story. 2 of them told me to start an affair, which I gladly accepted (remember no judgement). It was very exciting but later was told that it helped somehow in the relationship. in one case her husband suffered from premature ejaculation and could not satisfy her so he just gave up, I hold her and showed her how to talk to him and see what his hot spots are and explain to him that he needs to finish the job with her even though he can't seem to last. In both cases however the key is communication. I've known other that have done con selling and in the end it comes down to both parties talking, telling the truth (toughest part) because most men are very guarded. I am told that I am one of the very few men that will talk, explore things and then always tell the truth.

In the other case I exposed her to open herself and explore most older woman have only experienced a fees men in their sexual life. Once I showed her some things that were embedded deep in he mind, she let those desires out, then she was able to talk to her husband. She tried role play, dressing up, heavy petting and foreplay among other things and eventually it revealed a cross dressing fetish that HE had. Once it was exposed, she was able to accept it and even nuture it. Once that happened, their sex life started and exploded. Off the charts. In fact, she had told me that one night she went out with him dressed sexier than her, Guys were hitting on him, which turned them both on so much, they had sex in the bathroom..Yes the ladies room, he was that night allowed to use it. LOL

I feel very badly for you and so many others on this thread. I know right now that does not make you feel any better. But as I tell all my other friends, if you ever need a man's opinion you can always ask me. I may not be in the same situation with regards to family and kids. I am still a male with a high sex drive that just doesn't get why men do this? These women LOVE their men and WANT their men and yet the man does not fulfill his husbandry duties. All I can do is shake my head and hope to help in some other way. Remember please no judgement.

I wish you all the best of luck and hope that these men finally WAKE UP!!!
 
agree

Another guy in the same boat.
I've turned to online sexual roleplay (feel free to PM me, ha ha) as a way of "cheating without really cheating" but really? Its a good safety valve but


I strongly agree with this. Ever notice how many men are on here begging for RP. I bet most are married and exploring some fetish that they would never tell their wives. If their wives could only get sneak into their account and expose their desire. Maybe things could change. But once again the man needs to step up and be honest and get to WHY???
 
on the other hand......

Previous poster said...

""""
I strongly agree with this. Ever notice how many men are on here begging for RP. I bet most are married and exploring some fetish that they would never tell their wives. If their wives could only get sneak into their account and expose their desire. Maybe things could change. But once again the man needs to step up and be honest and get to WHY???
""""""

And for every man who is secretly nurturing his desire, there are a host of men who are completely up front with their Spouses. My spouse is completely aware of 100 percent of my kinks, and furthermore enjoyed them. Until marriage, that is.....at which point she magically became vanilla.

Frankly, if someone is turned off, they may stay that way. So no generalization works.
 
Previous poster said...

And for every man who is secretly nurturing his desire, there are a host of men who are completely up front with their Spouses. My spouse is completely aware of 100 percent of my kinks, and furthermore enjoyed them. Until marriage, that is.....at which point she magically became vanilla.

Frankly, if someone is turned off, they may stay that way. So no generalization works.

I would agree that it is not always the man's fault. You told and shared and now vanilla. I feel for you man, I do. But that is why we have Lit.
 
............

............
 
Last edited by a moderator:
maybe it is me?

As an older man....Everything turns me on. Even mores now. When I am with someone I can't stop wanting to be with her....Maybe I ned the con selling???
 
As an older man....Everything turns me on. Even mores now. When I am with someone I can't stop wanting to be with her....Maybe I ned the con selling???


Note to self....stop posting from your phone.....

As an older man....Everything turns me on. Even more so now. When I am with someone I can't stop wanting to be with her....Maybe I ned the counseling
 
The sex in my marriage has gone from once every few months to none at all. I feel like an affair is inevitable.
 
Re: Original Post

Well, i think, fellow Lit members have covered almost every aspect of your problem!
The reasons could be many for your husbands situation, ranging from medical issues, to relationship issues, to xyz. And i know that you are trying your best to resolve the same by seeking help, towards which your husband is reluctant. And i can only imagine how you would be feeling, in the midst of this all.
But i would only wanna say that, sometimes a person can get caught in a zone where, it is very difficult to break the schackles, his own mental conflicts. But, just draw up a flow chart of your POA and evaluate all your options. try and tell him that its "We" who have this issue and not just him and that "We" will overcome it. Go along your planned flow chart.
If nothing works, then you need to evaluate the option of moving on (and maybe that would ring his alarm bell) I truly hope you guys sail past this phase "Together"

TC!

PS: Im 25 unmarried, my job requires me to be away for 4 months at ago and after reading this thread, im now concerned of the issues that are going to crop up if and when i get married! :p
 
Well, i think, fellow Lit members have covered almost every aspect of your problem!
The reasons could be many for your husbands situation, ranging from medical issues, to relationship issues, to xyz. And i know that you are trying your best to resolve the same by seeking help, towards which your husband is reluctant. And i can only imagine how you would be feeling, in the midst of this all.
But i would only wanna say that, sometimes a person can get caught in a zone where, it is very difficult to break the schackles, his own mental conflicts. But, just draw up a flow chart of your POA and evaluate all your options. try and tell him that its "We" who have this issue and not just him and that "We" will overcome it. Go along your planned flow chart.
If nothing works, then you need to evaluate the option of moving on (and maybe that would ring his alarm bell) I truly hope you guys sail past this phase "Together"

TC!

PS: Im 25 unmarried, my job requires me to be away for 4 months at ago and after reading this thread, im now concerned of the issues that are going to crop up if and when i get married! :p



Very well said. Maybe THAT is why I still crave sex at my age. I never got married! Something genetical happens when you eat your wedding cake? hmmmmmmm. I too hope that all get through this phase.
 
Back
Top