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Why?

MeekMe

MeekMe

Literotica Guru
Joined
Sep 14, 2013
Posts
5,105
I like to ask. (=^x^=)

I've seen listed in rules for other relationships Follow without question. Or some wording similar to this.

Do you ask questions when given an order or asked to do something (however it works for you)? Do you need an answer or is "because I said so" ok?

On the other side, do you mind questions?

Feel free to add other thoughts on the subject.
 
I never mind questions. For the love of God, please ask me questions to clarify, rather than just doing it wrong and making me have to go back and fix it. :rolleyes:

Also, I'm one of those people who can work better if I understand why I'm doing something. That makes it possible to follow the spirit of the rules, rather than just the letter (like, at work or something, I mean; I don't do the submissive thing). I've always been this way, and that's why the "Because I said so" crap does not and will never fly with me. So I assume that some other people are that way, too, and I'll happily explain if I'm asked.

(Even if the answer is "I have no idea.")

Also, I feel like if a person can't stand to be questioned, they don't belong in any type of leadership position, anyway.
 
BiBunny said:
I never mind questions. For the love of God, please ask me questions to clarify, rather than just doing it wrong and making me have to go back and fix it. :rolleyes:

Also, I'm one of those people who can work better if I understand why I'm doing something. That makes it possible to follow the spirit of the rules, rather than just the letter (like, at work or something, I mean; I don't do the submissive thing). I've always been this way, and that's why the "Because I said so" crap does not and will never fly with me. So I assume that some other people are that way, too, and I'll happily explain if I'm asked.

(Even if the answer is "I have no idea.")

Also, I feel like if a person can't stand to be questioned, they don't belong in any type of leadership position, anyway.
Click to expand...

Exactly this.
I need to understand the rationale.
Yes, I can follow a rule simply because...but I won't do it forever if I don't understand why or if your rationale makes no damn sense. I also don't expect anyone else to when I'm in charge.
 
BiBunny said:
I never mind questions. For the love of God, please ask me questions to clarify, rather than just doing it wrong and making me have to go back and fix it. :rolleyes:

Also, I'm one of those people who can work better if I understand why I'm doing something. That makes it possible to follow the spirit of the rules, rather than just the letter (like, at work or something, I mean; I don't do the submissive thing). I've always been this way, and that's why the "Because I said so" crap does not and will never fly with me. So I assume that some other people are that way, too, and I'll happily explain if I'm asked.

(Even if the answer is "I have no idea.")
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Oh, I'll admit that there's a certain "Because I said so" element in there as a domme, but I'd also prefer my sub asking me a question instead of guessing. So if you're subbing to me, feel free to ask me why (though in my case, the answer might be "Because I think that's hot").

Also, I feel like if a person can't stand to be questioned, they don't belong in any type of leadership position, anyway.
Click to expand...

This! Always this, whether you're talking about BDSM or life in general.
 
This is why the color system exists, and Please for the love of what ever is holy to you use it. These go beyond a safe word, IMNSHO, Red out of context, is an all stop, everything ends, and you go from D/s to a pair of humans in a relationship of some sort. Then you talk about what is wrong. Be it I have yeast infection please do not insert that table leg into me, to I am sorry that quesadilla I had for lunch has be feeling not sexy tonight, to you fucktard that could kill me. Or I am not okay with making you fuck five homeless men in crack town tonight.

Yellow, means we need to talk, somthing is bothering me, we can finish you tieing me to the balcony rail, fucking my brains out, and letting everyone on the street can look up and see, but after we can discuss the vertigo, and not do this again.

Safe words are great, but do not have a lot of context, and they should always be treated as a Red. However if you are just doing one time scenes they can be hard to rember, or if your in public, may not be out of context enough to force the issue. My two cents, I am probably going to be told I am wrong, and stupid, or my experience is invalid again, but if I can promote even a little safety, I will do it.
 
I think asking "why" is more than just in the context of a scene where safety and safe words might come into play.
And I have not seen anyone suggest that it's okay to tell their partner that they are stupid or wrong. Asking "why" and requesting a conversation about a rule or a behavior that is requested is not the same thing at all as suggesting that the idea is wrong or stupid.

Some rules of etiquette and behavior between partners are things that Doms I've known have wanted. These have sometimes seemed arbitrary to me... Or I needed additional clarification to determine if the rule applies All the time or just during scenes. These things may have little to do with safety or limits.
 
MeekMe said:
I like to ask. (=^x^=)

I've seen listed in rules for other relationships Follow without question. Or some wording similar to this.

Do you ask questions when given an order or asked to do something (however it works for you)? Do you need an answer or is "because I said so" ok?

On the other side, do you mind questions?
Click to expand...
I don't mind questions. The way that I respond to a question, though, is driven by the context. I might simply answer it. I might pause to consider it thoughtfully as a worthy challenge and a learning opportunity. I might ignore it and carry on. I might say "because I say so" with a mischievous grin on my face. Much depends on my interpretation of the situation, much of which is based on unspoken signals.

More broadly, I couldn't put in place follow without question as a general rule. Where's the fun in that? The only downside of questions that I can see is that they might interrupt the flow of a scene, but that's unlikely to happen repeatedly with an established partner unless they're having difficulties (in which case stopping may be the best option) or being deliberately bratty (in which case "because I say so" and perhaps gagging might be in order).

Just my €0.50. ;)
.
 
I invented DOM and questions never come up, they never have. I'm so sensitive questions aren't needed. DOM is knowing whats up and acting correctly. Those who garden or raise animals know what I mean.
 
NOIRTRASH said:
I invented DOM and questions never come up, they never have. I'm so sensitive questions aren't needed. DOM is knowing whats up and acting correctly. Those who garden or raise animals know what I mean.
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Bahahahaha! James, right? Thanks for the laugh first thing in the morning.
 
Because I said so is assumed.

It had better be either a logistical question about *how* to do it, or a good question.

Absurdity of request is one of my kinks, so we're not going to be at this very long if my saying so isn't enough.
 
I don't ask why, because it doesn't matter why. I will say we only do power exchange during intimate times, which I think makes a difference. We've been together 16 years, so I trust him pretty well. Plus he likes to do things to fuck with me. Sometimes the only reason is "to see what you'll do". Any reason he has is a good one, and he likes my honest unfettered responses to whatever's happening.

I might ask him why outside of play times, because I like to know what makes him tick.

If his authority extended to vanilla matters such as bills, household management, or whatever I'd need to know why sometimes. If a hitch comes along I'd want to know why so I could appropriately adapt.
 
Mindfondler said:
I don't mind questions. The way that I respond to a question, though, is driven by the context. I might simply answer it. I might pause to consider it thoughtfully as a worthy challenge and a learning opportunity. I might ignore it and carry on. I might say "because I say so" with a mischievous grin on my face. Much depends on my interpretation of the situation, much of which is based on unspoken signals.

More broadly, I couldn't put in place follow without question as a general rule. Where's the fun in that? The only downside of questions that I can see is that they might interrupt the flow of a scene, but that's unlikely to happen repeatedly with an established partner unless they're having difficulties (in which case stopping may be the best option) or being deliberately bratty (in which case "because I say so" and perhaps gagging might be in order).

Just my €0.50. ;)
.
Click to expand...

This is how my Dom treats it. Sometimes he answers/clarifies in a situation where that is really what's needed, other times he ignores, or playfully punishes me..it all depends on the situation and if it's a serious question or just being cheeky/bratty.
 
MeekMe said:
I like to ask. (=^x^=)

I've seen listed in rules for other relationships Follow without question. Or some wording similar to this.

Do you ask questions when given an order or asked to do something (however it works for you)? Do you need an answer or is "because I said so" ok?

On the other side, do you mind questions?

Feel free to add other thoughts on the subject.
Click to expand...

This all depends so much on context, and probably mood as well. In a relationship I may do as I'm told because I want to and because I trust the person, but in everyday life with the rest of the world I have to understand completely. I have to know motive and intent of what I am doing, especially as I am rarely asked to do anything simple. I have to be able to understand fully the end game so I can make decisions as needed, and I also have to know for myself. I need a hook to hang bits of information on, so to speak. A way to classify and remember things. I can't just remember a random thing with no accompanying information, my brain doesn't work that way. I'm also unnaturally curious, and I mean to the point where people often think I don't trust them. I ask enough questions to drive a person bonkers if left to my own devices :D

As far as being asked, again, in a relationship I may or may not respond. I had one partner who would simply invent questions as a tactic to try and delay the inevitable. That's not going to happen, and I would end up simply covering their mouth and carryng on. True inquiries in search of understanding are always welcome, as they often end up with myself gaining knowledge or insight as well. Talking is generally a good thing :)
 
I ask a lot of questions, and my PYL always answers them. Sometimes, though, his answer is, "because I told you to, babygirl."
 
If I'm interested in you, I probably want to look inside yor head. "Why?" is a way to get there.
On the other hand, I can totally understand that not everyone is crazy about that and definitely not all the time, so I can live with being told to back off, up to a certain point.
From the other side I might very well tell you to back off actually, if I don't feel ready to let you in.
There is always a tradeoff though, between privacy and intimacy.

I'd also say that with some things, why is not relevant and with other things it is essential to fully understand the how.
 
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MeekMe said:
I like to ask. (=^x^=)

I've seen listed in rules for other relationships Follow without question. Or some wording similar to this.

Do you ask questions when given an order or asked to do something (however it works for you)? Do you need an answer or is "because I said so" ok?

On the other side, do you mind questions?

Feel free to add other thoughts on the subject.
Click to expand...

I will ask for purposes of clarification on occasion, but if I'm asked(and for asked read told) to do something, ultimately I do it, or really, what's the point?
 
MeekMe said:
I like to ask. (=^x^=)

I've seen listed in rules for other relationships Follow without question. Or some wording similar to this.

Do you ask questions when given an order or asked to do something (however it works for you)? Do you need an answer or is "because I said so" ok?

On the other side, do you mind questions?

Feel free to add other thoughts on the subject.
Click to expand...

i never ask why i have to do something,,, no, never, ever, ever... cuz it stings my bottom!!! She knows what is best for me and would never do anything that would harm or hurt me...

Buuuuut... sometimes i get bratty and don't want to do something like eat all my dinner because i want ice cream, or wear sandals outside or maybe get squirmy and won't sit still when She tries to brush the tangles out of my hair.. Or when She is doing something for work at home and i want attention... then i get a 'Because I said so!' followed by an spanking over Her knee.... :cattail: of course that stings my bottom too:cattail:
 
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sorry... this was a duplicate post for some reason.... i don't know how to delete it... :eek:
 

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Most of the time I do as told. Master isn't the....capricious type to just make me do something for no particular reason. If I'm unclear what it is he's asking for, I ask for clarification. (Master sometimes speaks with his own 'in his head' shorthand that I can't always immediately decipher. :D)

If I am mystified by a request I still complete it, but may ask what the heck that was for later on.
 
I think we need to separate the written fantasy from the reality with living breathing thinking humans. You and your Dom need to find the space and communications that work for your reality in your relationship and play. We're all different in what we want in our play. The traffic light system is perfect. And lots of other good advice above pick what works for you. Be safe have fun be with o e you trust and trusts you.
 
Depends on the order. Some orders will obviously require more definition than others.

I.E
"Go and do the washing up" is very simple to follow. It doesn't require any more detail than that.

"Go and make me a coffee", however, requires more specifics; what sort of coffee (americano, cappuccino, latte?), what type (instant, bean, ground, cafetiere?) and so forth.
 
When I give an order I try to make sure what I want is understood. As well as the reason for my directive. This seems to remove the "why". But if she is not sure, yes please ask me. It helps keep the punishment to a minimum.
 
The question," why " is very contextual ( as others have stated ). Before the relationship even progresses to physical intimacy, I spend time speaking to my subs. Fantasies, likes/dislikes, past experiences ( good or bad ), and curiosities, are all important to a good Dom. I want a crystal clear picture of what my pets need, and from there I proceed accordingly.

I don't mind being asked to elaborate on an order at all, and if anything, it affords another way to build trust with my partner ( inquisitiveness and defiance are very different things ). However, depending on my little cutie's predelictions, my answer will vary wildly. Depending on the situation, my answer will range from describing the next phase, reassurance, a teasing " because I said so ", or the always classic," you forget your place ".
 
Well, I am not sure it is so simple as using a color system.

My sub has strongly suggested that the more "cerebral" it gets, the more of a turnoff it is for her. Take a look at the lez-dom porn videos, or perhaps "The Piano Instructor" with James Dean and Riley Reid. That's what she wants.
 
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